Evening Star
by CassandraLowery
Summary: Evening Star explores the possible events between the end of Twilight and the beginning of New Moon from Edward's point-of-view, foreshadowing and providing insight into the events of New Moon. Characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer. Mostly canon.
1. Chapter 1: The Prom

**Evening Star: Edward's Story**

**Fan Fiction by Cassandra Lowery **

**Chapter One: The Prom**

I held Bella on my lap, her head laid trustingly against my shoulder. The music from the prom sounded behind us, reminding me of why we were here, why I had insisted on taking Bella to this dance, knowing how much she would resist. Alice had been right: she never would have come if she had known about the prom beforehand. I gathered her to me more tightly as twilight morphed into night, a clear night—an unusual sight in Forks, with its constant cloud cover. As we sat under the madrone trees, not needing to speak, the stars slowly appeared, one by one, spreading across the sky in the beautiful patterns of their ancient myths. We watched, spellbound, by the majestic light show of a perfect, starry night, the evening stars seeming to wink at us personally. I could have stayed there, Bella curled in my lap, for eternity.

But soon I could hear couples slipping from the gym, looking for the privacy that we had sought, thus disturbing ours. A familiar giggle almost made me turn my head to glance over my shoulder, but I resisted the impulse to see what Jessica and Mike were up to as she led him toward another grouping of madrone trees.

Bella also noticed that we were no longer alone. Reluctantly she shifted in my arms, pulling her heavy plaster cast awkwardly over my leg and setting both feet on the grass. I heard her sigh softly, as if she, too, were loathe to let this moment go. But both Mike's and Jessica's thoughts and intentions were quite clear...and more than a little distracting. Rather than let her see what Mike and Jessica were doing in their semi-private area from which emanated the distinct sounds of lips moving together frantically and the crush of Jessica's silky dress against Mike's tux, I rose to my feet and, wrapping my arm firmly around Bella's waist to help her to her feet, started to lead her back to the gym. But as we stood, Bella's poor sense of balance, more of a problem than usual because of the cast on her leg as well as our long time sitting still, caused her to stumble forward. I immediately caught her, both my arms around her waist as she collided with my chest. She quickly took advantage of the situation, wrapped her arms around my neck, raising her face to mine in the starlight. Every thought of Mike and Jessica behind us disappeared as she smiled at me slyly, her chocolate eyes warm and melting.

"You did that on purpose," I accused softly, holding her even more closely against the pleated front of my tux.

Bella said nothing. She smiled up at me a little flirtatiously, and I found myself staring at her full lips. A hunger grew in me … not mere thirst at her incredible scent which still burned my throat with each breath I took … but the hunger to kiss Bella and never, never stop. As our eyes looked deeply into the others', I heard her breathing accelerate and her heart begin to race. I had to be so careful with her...so careful. Her human system reacted so strongly to my presence that I couldn't help feeling a slight chill run down my spine...a chill of fear. She was so delicate, so easily broken. I could kill her if I lost control for a split-second.

I could never lose control with her.

And it was so difficult as Bella constantly undermined that self-control. Here she was, smiling up at me, her eyes deep pools, inviting the kiss that I wanted to give her so badly. And how I wanted to kiss her, to crush her against me and kiss her as passionately as I could.

If I did, she would die. It was truly that simple.

All these thoughts flew through my mind in the split-second before Bella had twined her arms fully around my neck. She leaned into me, reading my hesitation, knowing well the reason for it. I could feel the indecision on my own face. And then I felt it fade as I bent my head and carefully, gently, touched my lips to hers. Her mouth was so soft, so warm, her breath so sweet. Her warmth permeated her delicate dress and my thin tuxedo shirt until I felt warm all through, as if I were a human man and not icy stone.

And then Bella pulled herself even closer, her heart pounding unevenly in a way that I should be used to by now but which still concerned me. Reluctantly I loosened my embrace and reached behind my neck to pull her arms away, stepping backward and breaking the kiss at the same time.

She wasn't the only one who was breathing more roughly than normal.

Taking a deep breath that burned my throat despite my hunting only last night, I forced myself to laugh gently at her pout, trying not to think of how close she came, each time we kissed, to the possibility of death. My mere existence put her at risk each and every day, much less allowing her to get so close to me, undermining what little self-control I had. I wanted her so badly, but it was not at all possible. I was not a human male, even if Bella made me feel more human than I had ever thought possible...

I reached a finger toward her, smiling down at her as I traced her pouting lips with the barest touch of my index finger. She stopped breathing. Immediately I dropped my hand to my side to find hers; relief flooded through me as she took a deep, steadying breath and gave me a weak smile.

"Shall we return to the dance?" I asked, tucking her hand into the crook of my elbow in the fashion of a century ago.

Bella wrinkled her nose at the thought, then nodded. As we turned to walk back to the gym, I felt Mike's eyes on us and felt his flare of anger. I had not noticed that while my thoughts were consumed with Bella—her lips, her warmth, my waning control—Mike had been watching us over Jessica's shoulder. I had hoped that now that Mike and Jessica were together, he would let go of his obsession with Bella. And he did … most of the time. But upon occasion—and this was one of them—he betrayed his thoughts all too clearly. I had to admit that I couldn't blame him tonight: Bella looked incredibly beautiful. As I helped to support her as she limped along with her cast, I looked down in admiration at Bella's slender figure wrapped in the gorgeous blue dress—French in design—that Alice had provided for her, her un-casted calf shapely with the height of her stiletto heel. As we walked, she seemed to sense my stare and glanced up at me shyly, my favorite blush coloring her delicate cheekbones a deep rose, almost causing the few freckles across her nose to disappear entirely. Her lips parted slightly as she drew in a deep breath, her eyes searching mine.

"What?" she hissed at me.

I couldn't resist making her blush even more deeply … even if I had to reign my control in tighter than ever … not the self-control of physical attraction but the control of the outlandishly provocative scent of her blood.

"You are undoubtedly the most beautiful girl in this room," I told her as I lifted her slightly over the threshold of the gym doorway and we entered the thronging prom crowd. My stare was more than admiring; it was captivated. And she knew it.

She snorted indelicately, and I laughed, swinging her into my arms and lifting her so that her feet were atop mine. Once again, we swirled with the music, and her eyes were alight with enjoyment.

"I _told_ you it was all in the leading," I teased.

Pulling herself closer to me, she laughed softly. "I admit it...you were right." She frowned slightly. "You're always right."

I smiled down at her. "But of course," I whispered. She fisted her small hand and struck at my shoulder in mock anger. "Be careful," I warned her, laughing, "you could break more bones..."

She nodded in agreement. "You're right." She groaned softly. "Again."

I laughed again and whirled her expertly through the crowded dance floor. We didn't speak for a little while. She seemed to be intent on enjoying her prom despite her vociferous objections, and I was thrilled to see her gaining another human experience, another human memory. This prom was a rite of passage for humans, and I wanted her to enjoy her human life. And I was happy to be part of her life, part of every part of her life—despite the unavoidable danger my presence put her in, directly or indirectly.

We twirled past Alice and Jasper who were dancing beautifully together. Bella threw them a smile over my shoulder, but I froze so suddenly that she almost fell. Only my arm flying round her waist to steady her kept her from falling flat.

"What is it?" she asked anxiously, her eyes scanning mine.

"Nothing," I murmured, starting to dance again. But as I turned Bella expertly to the beat of the music, I glared daggers at Jasper, and he knew why. He had caught Bella's scent and had allowed his imagination full rein. It was bad enough, dealing with the often admiring and sometimes impure thoughts the human males directed toward Bella—hardly a boy here had failed to note how unbearably beautiful she was this evening—but thirsting for her blood in the middle of the dance floor? It was too much for anyone to bear without objection.

Besides that, it simply wasn't safe.

Jasper's control was poor. I had worried incessantly about her safety with Jasper while we tracked James weeks ago. I couldn't call her on my cell to check in because James would have heard us, so while the vast majority of my mind was devoted to the capture—the failed capture—of James across the wilds of Canada, part of my mind was imagining horrors untold of Bella's close proximity and sweet scent causing Jasper to lose control, his injuring or killing her. I had tortured myself, imagining her death over and over. Or worse than her death: her transformation into an immortal being, a monster without a soul, without a hope for heaven. My imagination had run wild constantly, and fear had gripped me so thoroughly that I had found concentrating on the pursuit of James difficult. And then to finally arrive in Phoenix and discover her missing... Swallowing hard, I pushed the thoughts from my mind and attempted to smile down at Bella's confused expression.

"Sorry, Edward," Jasper thought towards me. "It just...caught me unawares. I wasn't expecting it." I lifted my eyes from Bella's and gave him a hard glance, then deliberately danced away from Jasper and Alice, putting half the gym floor between us in only a few seconds. Over Bella's shoulder I saw Alice with both hands on Jasper's face, trying to soothe him, and Jasper's unhappy expression gave me a stab of guilt. Just a small stab, though. Bella's safety was of the utmost importance. It was my job to protect her now...from danger, from her own attraction to that danger, from her regrettable bad luck, from Jasper, and...yes, even from myself.

"Edward?" Bella whispered.

With great effort, I managed to smile down at her, watching the crease across her forehead relax, seeing the worried light fade from her eyes which again became warm and inviting. And lovely. I could lose myself in their brown depths...and did, completely and absolutely. We continued to dance, her feet on mine, her arms wrapped around my neck and mine around her waist, and time seemed to melt away as we lost ourselves in each others' gaze...


	2. Chapter 2: Sleeping

**Chapter Two: Sleeping**

Bella sighed in her sleep and drew herself closer to me as we lay on her narrow bed. Her face, washed clean of the layers of makeup that Alice had subjected her to, glowed in the faint moonlight of this starry night. Despite how beautiful Bella had looked tonight, I preferred her face without makeup: she simply didn't need it. Women spent hundreds of dollars to have a clear, translucent complexion like hers. Her hair, though, retained its unusual curliness, courtesy of Alice again, but the heavy scent of the hairspray tickled my nose and kept her hair from falling naturally down her back as it did every night. Her hair didn't smell like hers at all, and I didn't care for it.

As Bella shifted slightly in my arms as she slept, I held her all the more closely. These nights spent with Bella seemed like a colossal waste of time to my brothers who much preferred to have my company tracking animals across the mountains and refereeing their frequent wrestling matches. But I was content here in Bella's small room, holding her … protecting her. The few times I did leave her at night to hunt I worried about her so much that Emmett declared that I was no fun anymore and even Jasper looked peeved. Only after slipping back into her window and gathering her to me did the anxiety quiet, and only then I could breathe easier.

But even laying here, listening to the steady beat of her heart—the most profound sound in my world now—and her slow, quiet breathing, I couldn't completely relax. I could never relax around Bella—she was simply too fragile. Too many dangers lurked about her for me to ever feel completely at ease, even when I was with her. And sometimes especially when I _WAS_ with her. Her scent, though long familiar, still burned deep in my throat, and when the breeze from her open window wafted her scent to me, the venom still filled my mouth, causing my stomach to lurch emptily. I wanted her—in more ways than one. So I could not be absolutely at rest around Bella because I knew. I knew what she would never admit: I was a danger to her.

Living out her human life alongside her seemed like the only right way now. There was no way that I would change her—no way I would damn her soul to an eternity of hell—in order to keep her "safe." She might be "safe" in one way—immortal, nearly indestructible, but with her terrible bad luck, should she die after becoming immortal, there would be no hope. None at all. I knew there was no hope of heaven for me—if was simply the truth, part of the definition of "vampire." But I refused to damn her, too. Her soul was too pure, too precious, too lovely, to risk just so I could be with her always.

And, yes, Bella's immortality would solve another problem, one not so pressing as her safety but one that both of us felt more and more as we spent time together: the fulfillment of our physical attraction. I had to constantly reign in my less pure desires for Bella. Even holding her night after night was hard for me when I wanted so much more. Morally I knew that I wanted to put a ring on her finger and say vows before a minister before we took our physical relationship to that level. And besides, it simply wasn't safe for her to remain human when we fulfill our physical attraction, and I certainly wasn't going to change her simply for that reason, no matter how much she undermined my self-control...which she somehow seemed to think was endless and perfect.

Each night here—with Bella in my arms, with her talking in her sleep about how much she loves me, with my desire for the best for her warring with my desires for both her body and for her blood raging in me—these nights were not peaceful. Yet, strangely, they were. I felt like a different person with Bella to love and protect—being with her felt so right in my heart, even if my logic and reason told me to protect her from all danger...and that included myself. For more than one reason.

"Edward," Bella whispered in her sleep.

I held her closer, my cheek against the top of her head, my arms wrapped around her, her body curled against mine. Her whispering my name brought a now-familiar warmth to my heart—to this heart that had not beat for eighty years but which somehow glowed in my chest every time she spoke my name.

She moaned softly, the sound sending a frisson of heat down my ice-cold back. How could my stone body melt? Her very voice seemed to bring heat to my cold face, almost as if I could blush as she so often does. Sometimes it amazes me how human she makes me feel without even trying.

"I love you, Edward." She nestled her head against my chest, her arm reaching up to wrap around my neck. I held my breath as she moved, willing myself to remain still, to not gather her even closer and kiss her full lips again ... and again.

Her hand brushed my cheek, cupping against my face, and she scooted herself upward, still sleeping. I caught her hand from my face and, grasping it gently, held it in mine against my chest. I sighed this time, both moved by the unconscious proofs of her love while straining for control. Bella did not make it easy, in any way ... even while she slept.

She seemed to settle into a deeper sleep. Her breathing, which had picked up as she had moved and spoke, slowed again, as did her heartbeat. The corners of her mouth turned up ever so slightly, as if she were smiling in her sleep. She looked so content, so relaxed, so deeply asleep, and yet while she slept so, she was never unconscious of the fact that I was with her, that she slept in my icy arms.

With my free hand I pulled her quilt more firmly around her, creating a fragile boundary between our bodies, both to protect her from the cold despite the warm early-June night and to help me regain my self-control. But as I finished tucking the quilt around her body, my free hand drifted to her face, barely touching her with the gentlest of gentle pressures as I traced the straight line of her small nose, dotted with a few freckles that she hated but I adored, her eyebrows so dark against her pale skin, her thick lashes, her high cheekbones, the curve of her lips...

Abruptly I stopped and wrapped my arm around Bella, sighing to myself yet again as I willed my ragged breathing to slow, to normalize. Self-control was so difficult to master, especially with the way I felt about Bella. I had never been able to express to her how deeply, completely, absolutely I loved her—I'm not sure I can even express the depth of my love for her to myself. Putting aside the strong physical attraction I felt, the warmth and power of her touch over me, the thirst that her blood engendered, I simply cannot imagine life without her.

Bella has changed me so completely, so absolutely—I hardly recognized myself in some ways. I had been so arrogant, so sure of my life...or existence, or whatever kind of "living" this is. I was so certain that I was complete in and of myself; I loved my family and desired their company, but all that I knew of myself transformed once I met Bella. I had to face my weaknesses, my cowardice, my arrogance head-on, and Bella changed me so completely, bringing joy, fear, trepidation, uncertainty, and even chaos into my life, making me into a better man, a better person. I was now completed in her—the best that I can possibly be. Life was far more complex, but so much richer, so much brighter, so much more intense.

Loving Bella changed me so completely—it was as if my life had turned from black and white to technicolor.

Bella's breathing deepened, slowing even more, and I settled into the pillows for the night, her head resting against my neck as she slept well. I shoved away my worries and thoughts—and was content indeed.


	3. Chapter 3: Just Another School Day

**Chapter Three: Just Another School Day**

Charlie had put his foot down: I was no longer allowed to drive Bella to school each morning, and Bella now had curfews on school nights. He was reacting, rightly so, to Bella's leaving on her disastrous trip south as she "left me"-all a ruse, of course, to shield Bella's father from the danger of the tracker who had sought Bella so single-mindedly—James, who had nearly killed her. Charlie blamed me for Bella's hurtful words when she left home, and he blamed me for her injuries in Phoenix—again rightly so. Bella was furious at her father, but I attempted to soothe her. These steps were minimal—at least he still allowed Bella to spend her afternoons and evenings with me—and, of course, he remains unaware that I spend each night in her room.

Fortunately, Bella and I only have a week left of school, and then the summer stretches before us. I can tell that she is excited about spending more time with me, and of course, I want to spend every second of every day in her presence, but something keeps me from total happiness: the complete opposite—fear. I know that every minute that Bella spends in my presence endangers her—especially around my family. I still don't trust Jasper, despite his help in Phoenix a few weeks ago. I've warned him to back off from Bella again, and I know that she's noticed...I see her forehead crease with concern when he keeps his distance. Perhaps she thinks he doesn't like her. I would rather she think that than having her know the truth: he struggles with her presence more than even I do, and my greatest fear is that he will lose control around her and she could be injured...or worse. Much worse.

Leaning against my still-warm Volvo in the school lot this morning, I continued waiting for her. The rest of my family have already left the car for their first class. I checked my watch again; Bella was running late, most likely a result of her decrepit truck. At last I picked up the familiar sound of the chugging of the truck's ancient engine, and I stood up, impatient to be with her again. I couldn't help smiling to myself; here I was, impatient for the burning in my throat to start. But being with Bella—receiving her smiles, seeing the intuition flash in her eyes as she saw past my pretenses, being the center of her world—all this brought me greater joy than I had ever imagined.

I shook my head. But it shouldn't be so. I worried for her, worried about her being in the company of myself, of my family, so constantly—worried that something would happen to her, and that I wouldn't have the sixty or so years of her human life to be with her. I sighed. There just didn't seem to be a way to be happy with her and to keep her safe at the same time. It was a balancing act on the thinnest of tightropes, and the slightest imbalance could send us tumbling down to destruction. Or, rather, send _HER_ to destruction...

The truck turned into the high school parking lot, and as I scanned Bella's face as she steered the behemoth into a nearby space. She looked a little tired. She hadn't slept very well since the prom, as if she too were worried about something. The crease on her forehead disappeared as she caught my gaze in the depths of her chocolate-brown eyes, and I was lost in her warm gaze ... again. And she accuses ME of dazzling HER. But again the venom welling in my mouth, my muscles tensing to spring, my throat bursting into flame—all these signs of who I am seemed to disappear as she approached me, and joy became the overwhelming emotion I felt. I savored it, knowing that our balancing act could end at any time. Bella was human, and as long as she remained so, she remained in danger. But the alternative—robbing her of life and soul—frightened me far worse. It was truly a dilemma, one I couldn't solve today … or perhaps ever.

I looked down at her smiling face as she approached me, and she craned her neck upward to see me better, the light drizzle dampening her translucent skin. Her eyes became unfocused as she took a deep breath—apparently she was nearly as "dazzled" by me as I was by her.

"Hey," she said softly. And I saw the relief cross her face. It was nearly as hard for her when we are apart as it was for me. The tenseness of her shoulders relaxed, and her body moved almost gracefully as she reached me.

I didn't answer her, but took her gently—as always—into my arms. Bella wrapped her arms around my waist, and we stood there in the lot for a long moment, lost in the wonder of this love that engulfed us both. But the burn of my throat reminded me that parting at this moment was the best thing for Bella, and I pulled away. She let go with a reluctant frown that made me smile a little as I took her hand and turned toward her first class.

As we approached her English classroom, Bella slowed, obviously reluctant to part from me so soon after our reunion in the parking lot.

"Lunch seems like a long time to wait for you, doesn't it?" I asked, smiling slightly.

Bella made a grimace, then turning, put both arms around my neck and pulled herself against me, hinting for a goodbye kiss, oblivious to the nearly full classroom behind her and to Mike Newton's glare as he took in our embrace. I caught his eye behind Bella's back, and he quickly looked away.

"Freak," Newton thought. "How could Bella even like him, much less be trying to kiss him right in front of me? It's almost like she's rubbing my nose in it..."

I blocked his annoying thoughts from my mind as I raised my face above Bella's head and pressed my lips gently against her forehead. She pulled away with a disgruntled expression that I couldn't help laughing at.

"Be good," I whispered in her ear as I pulled her close for a hug.

"That's no fun … no fun at all," she grumbled. As I released her, she turned away, entering the classroom and sliding into the seat next to Mike who greeted Bella with some enthusiasm. My eyes narrowed at his changed mood as I turned my back and started walking to my math class, seeing Bella watch me disappear around the corner through Mike's less cheerful thoughts as he observed her distraction.

As I sat through Calculus, I paid little attention to the lecture. Instead, I found myself thinking of Bella, as usual, and the dilemma I faced each day I remained with her: my need for her vs. the danger I put her in just being with me. Sitting next to me, Alice sensed my distraction but didn't invest much concern—we had talked and talked about this dilemma in the weeks that Bella was hospitalized in Phoenix.

While Carlisle and the rest of the family returned to Washington after tracking down and killing James, Alice had remained with me and Bella in Arizona even though we had to be very careful because of the constant sunshine. We basically spent all day in the hospital with Bella, then returned to the hotel room when visitors were no longer allowed. Alice had talked me through those long nights without Bella—those nights during which I berated myself for the pain Bella endured during her long recovery because I had failed to keep her safe, had failed to protect her from James, had failed to protect her from what we are.

I don't regret my decision to save Bella from changing into a vampire—saving her from giving up her soul—even if Alice still sees this change in Bella's future, a topic I refuse to discuss with Alice or anyone, and especially not with Bella. I was so relieved that she had survived...and had survived _HUMAN_. When I was with her during those long days in the hospital, I couldn't take my eyes off her, even if the sight of her, broken and weak, made me incredibly sad—and incredibly angry with myself. Each time she had winced in pain, I had cringed with her. No matter how Bella tried to hide her physical discomfort as she slowly healed, I saw it and felt it—I am too attuned to her to be fooled by her poor human subterfuge; and besides, Bella is such a bad liar that I see right through her weak attempts to be brave.

I was just thankful that Bella had survived, despite my failings. But while being with her brought me the most incredible joy—I was happier than I ever could have imagined—I knew that her being with me continued to put her in danger...even now when the only physical reminder of her injuries was her leg cast.

After all, last time we had simply been enjoying a family baseball game, and look at what had happened.

Alice knew to look ahead, to keep an eye on Bella's future, but Alice can't see everything; sometimes decisions are made at the last moment, and we could have no more notice than we had at the baseball game. Or with Tyler's van. Or...

How easily something dangerous could happen again to Bella! The very thought haunts me continually, and when I am away from Bella, I tend to obsess about the very real possibilities of Bella's injury or death—or worse—to Alice's impatience and dismay.

My rather maudlin thoughts were interrupted by my sister calling to me silently. "Edward!"

I glanced toward her, meeting her golden eyes with my eyebrow raised. Alice looked disgruntled.

"About time," she grumbled in her mind. "I've been trying to get your attention for the past ten minutes."

I gave her an apologetic half-smile.

"Worrying about Bella again?" Alice looked annoyed as the question crossed her mind; I really couldn't blame her; I was obsessing.

I looked back at her, my smile gone, and she noted my concerned expression.

"Edward, this has GOT to stop. You're driving everyone crazy...even me. I'm watching her—so stop worrying and just enjoy being in love." She smiled, and I tried to return it, but with my stomach twisting with stress and worry, I'm sure I failed. Alice frowned, shaking her head in frustration and sadness.

I sighed. I knew Alice was right, and her self-satisfied smile showed that she also knew it. It was so annoying. But I couldn't seem to help myself; everything dangerous and hurtful seemed to work together to injure or harm Bella. Her bad luck should be bottled and sold: we could make a fortune...if we didn't already have one.

The bell rang, indicating the end of first period, and I slowly (even slowly for human speed) made my way to my next class while Alice walked gracefully in the other direction to the English building. Across the lawn I saw Bella walking to her next class with Newton, and my eyes narrowed again. I didn't care what it took; next year I was going to make sure that Bella and I shared every single class possible so that I could be the one walking her to each and every class. Bella and Mike didn't look up as they entered their Government classroom, and their conversation seemed animated. But I refused to stoop to the level of listening to her conversations with other people...even with other boys. Even with other normal, human boys—boys who would be much healthier for Bella to spend her days with than with me.

If I really loved Bella, I would leave. It was only weakness and sheer selfishness that kept me here ... weakness, selfishness, and ... love. I should insure her safety by removing myself and my family from Forks, from Washington, from the West Coast. We should just disappear, just vanish—despite the temper-tantrum Rosalie would undoubtedly throw when she discovered we were moving. But we've had to move for her in the past, so she owed me this time.

Yes, Bella would be broken-hearted. But human memories are sieves...and human hearts heal. In just a few months, she would forget all about me and find love with a real human boy, one who could insure that she had a normal, human life—the life she truly deserved. But myself—I swallowed convulsively—I would never forget Bella. My love for her would never fade, no matter how many centuries I lived. My memory was perfect, and my heart was hers. For eternity.

The thought of leaving Bella caused me such pain that I gasped, stopping in my tracks, my hand reaching out to grasp a metal pole that supported the covered sidewalk I had been walking under on my way to American history class. My legs shook under me, and my vision blurred. Was it possible for me to leave her without shattering myself into a thousand pieces? It didn't seem like it. The pain at the mere thought of leaving was so intense that it made me physically weak—supposedly an impossibility for an immortal like myself. At the moment I could barely stand. So how could I handle the reality of leaving Bella if the thought alone caused me to nearly collapse?

I knew that Bella had changed me so completely that I would always love her, no matter whether she was with me or not. Nothing could ever change my love for her—our iced-over natures so rarely changed. But when we did change, the alteration was permanent. And I knew that my love for Bella was permanent, part of my altered DNA.

But was my love the best thing for her?

It was a question I refused to answer...for now. I took a deep breath, steadied myself, and, letting go of the pole that I had almost bent with the force of my grip, I made my way to my history class. But my sense of joy earlier this morning was gone. And I wondered if it would ever return...


	4. Chapter 4: The Vision

**Chapter Four: The Vision**

I waited for Bella outside of her Spanish class, impatient to see her, to walk her to lunch as I did each day, yet I was feeling somehow reluctant at the same time. The fears I had faced earlier this morning had sent up huge warning flags to me, and I was afraid that Bella, perceptive as she was, would pick up on my ambivalent mood. From across the campus, I could feel Alice's eyes on me as she and Jasper entered the cafeteria right behind Rose and Emmett. I concentrated, blocking every voice of the two hundred-some students of Forks High School in order to hear just Alice.

"Edward, you can't leave," she thought, and sadness permeated her thoughts—so much sadness that I winced. No matter what I did, I hurt someone—and not just "someone"—I hurt the people I loved. I truly was a monster of the worst sort. "It's really not necessary for you to go...and it may not change anything."

She stopped suddenly in her tracks, standing beside our usual table in the cafeteria, and I saw images flashing across her mind. I saw myself in the Volvo, driving alone across an autumn landscape, my jaw set in what could only be pain, my eyes emptied of all emotion. I saw us, all of our family—with the exception of Bella—in Denali. I saw my face, iced over in sadness, in grief. I saw myself seated, my head in my hands, on a sofa in Tanya's spacious living room, Esme attempting to comfort me, her arm around my shoulders as I choked out tearless sobs. I saw Alice's face watching Esme's futile attempt to console me, my sister's eyes looking almost liquid with tears she couldn't produce or shed to relieve her pain—the pain we shared. I saw myself running, over and over again, through the autumn-colored forests surrounding Denali, my eyes grief-stricken, as if seeking some relief from great pain. Bella was nowhere in any of these flashes.

With Jasper at her elbow guiding her into her seat, Alice came out of her trance, and her thoughts were laden with emotion. "Oh, Edward!" she thought. Her thoughts seemed past words. I sensed Jasper's concern as he experienced Alice's pain at the images that had flashed across her vision. His arm wrapped around her shoulders in an attempt to calm her, and, when his touch did little, he sent peace settling across the table. I saw the worry on all the faces of my siblings as Alice's horror-struck expression registered in each of their minds relax slightly with Jasper's help.

Jasper's anxiety was all for Alice. Rosalie and Emmett exchanged worried glances. All their eyes were on Alice again, but she put a hand up to still their questions, shaking her head in negation as she did so. Rose and Emmett relaxed into their chairs; Jasper remained concerned for Alice.

And I swallowed convulsively, trying to calm myself enough to breathe again. Would I ever breathe again? Would Bella be gone? Dead? What will cause me such pain this fall?

Alice began thinking again, and I easily picked up her thoughts. "I don't know what that was—it was completely new to me. But you can't leave now, Edward. Perhaps your thoughts of leaving have opened up these new possibilities. I think you and Bella are simply too intertwined to separate your futures now. I think..." She paused, and I realized that I was holding my breath, waiting for her to finish her thought. "I think it may be too late..." Her thoughts trailed off.

I realized that I had stiffened in stress, frozen to absolute stillness as Alice's thoughts came to me. "It's too late," she had thought. All too clearly I remembered Bella stating the identical words, almost in the same grief-stricken tone, in my car on our way home from Port Angeles several months ago. I had berated her for saying it—for considering that we had passed a point of no return, for thinking that we had no choice. That I had no choice. There were always choices to be made … no matter how difficult they might be...

At that moment Bella and Jessica walked out of the Spanish class they shared, Jess giving Bella a casual wave and a knowing look as Bella limped toward me, her cast causing more balance issues than she already had—usually a thought that would make me smile at both girls—but not today. At least Jessica had finally accepted our relationship with minimal jealousy; only rarely did envy of Bella's and my relationship color her thoughts. She was content with her relationship Mike, although on occasion she was jealous of Mike and Bella's friendship...almost as much as I was at times.

"Hey," Bella greeted me as usual. Her wide smile began to fade slightly as she noted my stillness. I had no idea what expression was frozen on my face, but I'm sure it wasn't one that would encourage her.

Bella also stilled in response to my obvious stress, her heart beginning to race. I could smell the scent of the perspiration coating her palms, the back of her neck, her forehead. The scent of her fear permeated my mind, helping me to somehow pull myself together, for her sake.

"Edward, what is it?" she choked out in barely a whisper.

It took all of my control to force a smile onto my face. And I knew that stating that "nothing was wrong" wouldn't convince her of anything. I paused, working to warm my face into a half-smile.

"It's Alice," I paused, not wanting to lie but not wanting to tell the whole truth, either. "She is seeing a...separation in our family in the future."

Bella's forehead wrinkled in concern. "What's happening? When?"

I sighed, ignoring her first question. "She thinks perhaps in the fall." I somehow made my feet move forward, and I wrapped my arm around her shoulders. "Let's get you some lunch."

Bella nodded, sliding her arm around my waist, pulling herself solidly against my side. Her heart was still beating erratically in her chest, and I could almost hear her mind swirling with worry; her forehead remained creased with concern. We walked to the cafeteria without speaking, joining the end of the long lunch line. I removed my arm from Bella, took a tray and mindlessly started filling it with food.

"I'm not hungry," she protested, looking a little nauseated. I took the tray to the register and purchased the food, and Bella followed me to the table we shared each day with my siblings. I placed the tray on the table next to Rosalie, who glared at me, and pulled out a chair for Bella who sat down, her eyes unfocused as if her thoughts were miles away, ignoring the lunch tray in front of her.

She didn't notice Rose determinedly turning her back toward Bella, facing Emmett head-on. I shut out Rosalie's mental tirade directed at me (and Bella), and also ignored Emmett's rather too-detailed thoughts of anticipation of their "nightly events" as Rosalie turned toward him. I slid quietly into the chair between Bella and Alice.

Alice's face remained set and pale, and she didn't notice Bella's scrutiny as she scanned the future, seeming to be both scared of what she had seen, yet needing to see more of this foreign future that seemed to be throwing our family into such disarray, such grief.

I slyly nudged Alice under the table, and she jumped slightly, coming back to this bland cafeteria during what would have been an ordinary day in early summer. She took a deep breath and turned to Jasper on her other side, giving him a look that suddenly caused waves of peace to descend upon us all. Rosalie relaxed visibly. Bella began to idly pick at a bagel on the tray, occasionally eating a bite. I reached for a granola bar and ripped open the foil wrapper, pulverizing the food into small pieces. And as I looked up to check Bella's expression, we exchanged a glance that brought us both a sense of relief—I could see the crease across her brow finally smooth. And even Alice's shoulders untensed, and she nearly smiled at Jasper.

We chatted about ordinary topics over lunch, although Rosalie kept up her silent treatment toward Bella, as had been her _modus operandi_ since Bella returned to school after her recovery and joined us at our table. Emmett mentioned the possibility of a football game tonight in the baseball field and attempted to persuade me to join him, Jasper, and Carlisle, shaking his head in disbelief when I turned him down.

"Awww, come on, Edward. You can't just hang out all night listening to someone snore. Talk about boooooriiiiing!" He tossed a teasing glance at Bella who had bridled at the mention of snoring. "You know it's no fun without you, Edward, and the girls won't play with us."

"We just happen to prefer remaining mud-free, thankyouverymuch," Alice said acidly. "It rained all day long today, remember?"

"It ALWAYS rains here. Get used to it," Emmett retorted, grinning at her. He turned back to me. "Bella can come, too, if it means that you will."

A hiss escaped my lips, and Bella looked at me with concern.

I spoke from between clenched teeth. "Bella needs her sleep. And do you remember what happened the last time we played ball in that field?" I growled, low but fierce.

Bella's thin hand closed over my clenched fist on top of the table, the remains of the granola bar now powder against my palm. "Calm," she warned in a whisper.

I gave a curt nod, not meeting her eyes, and I felt her hand tighten atop mine in apparent stress. I looked up, and her brow was creased again in worry. I can't allow her to see how tightly wound I was at the moment—it would only worry her further. I pressed my other hand over hers atop mine and squeezed ever so gently, not meeting her eyes until her touch calmed me enough that I felt my expression would not upset her. Then I looked into her beautiful brown eyes and, for a moment, time seemed to stop all together as I lost myself in her gaze.

How could I ever lose this? How could I ever lose Bella?

But apparently, if Alice's latest vision was correct, I would indeed lose Bella.

Sometime this fall.


	5. Chapter 5: Midnight Wanderings

**Chapter Five: Midnight Wanderings of the Mind**

Finally the last day of the school year arrived. I sensed the relief permeating the campus as final exams came and went and we attended Emmett's, Rosalie's, and Jasper's high school graduation … yet again. The difference this time of having Bella seated between myself and Carlisle was the only aspect of yet another dull graduation that made the long, boring ceremony bearable.

Bella's delicate hand grasped mine, and from time to time during the trite valedictorian speeches, our eyes met and once again I felt almost human...almost fragile myself. So much in my life has changed since I met Bella, since I started loving Bella. Her glance, her touch, her hidden thoughts, her pure soul, her quiet beauty—all of her qualities mesmerize me, capturing my heart and making it hers … and only hers.

On this summer night I lay on Bella's bed, her sleeping head on my chest, my right arm wrapped around her, my left hand holding hers. This was the way she slept most nights, and I still found it fascinating to watch her sleep, especially when she talked. And especially when she whispered my name, whispered how much she loved me. My cold, still heart flooded with warm feeling each time I heard those beautiful, impossible words from her parted lips.

But Bella still had frequent nightmares about her experiences in Phoenix, and I flagellated myself each time the dark memories in her dreams gripped her, causing her to call out with fear and desperation into the warm night until I could wake her and hold her close, murmuring to her until she calmed, until the tears stopped flowing, each droplet seared into my conscience as nothing else ever could be.

How could I be good for Bella if my presence—our presence—had led her to such suffering?

I pushed the maudlin thoughts away, thankful that Bella slept quietly and deeply this night, that she nestled closer to me in her sleep. I tightened my hold upon her, allowing my mind to wander to less worrisome thoughts, but ones which still produced deep concern in the pit of my stomach.

Now that we were free of the charade of school for the summer, Carlisle and the rest of the family were planning a trip to Denali to visit Tanya and her family who were our closest (and only) extended family. But I was extremely reluctant to travel to Alaska—for several reasons. Of course, I didn't want to leave Bella for an extended time, yet I didn't want to bring her to Denali, either … especially after Alice's vision.

Alice hadn't seen anything that would indicate a problem with taking Bella with us, but Bella was applying for summer jobs in town and, if she obtained a position, she wouldn't be able to leave for a trip anyway. Plus, I didn't want to expose Bella to any more vampires than she already spent time around. With the way danger seemed to seek her out, I didn't want her around Tanya and her family at all—who knows what kind of danger she could find herself in?

And yet another reason—although not nearly as pressing as Bella's safety—was that I didn't want to deal with Tanya if I brought someone I cared for into her home. Tanya had expressed an attraction, even a liking for me in the past, and when I had retreated to Denali in the wake of my first exposure to Bella, Tanya had made me even more uncomfortable in revealing the depth of her interest, thinking at first that I had come to Alaska for her sake. I didn't know how Tanya would react to Bella, but knowing Tanya's infamous temper, bringing Bella up north didn't strike me as a good idea.

Above all these reasons, Alice hadn't been able to "see" how the trip would go since I had never truly considered joining them. With my mind so made up, my need to protect Bella so strong, she had received no inkling of Bella's safety or Tanya's reaction if I brought Bella with us. Neither Alice not Rosalie wanted Bella to come—Alice because of the lack of foresight regarding the trip, and Rosalie because she simply didn't like Bella, remaining oddly jealous.

Even after our return from Phoenix, Rosalie had remained strangely unmoved by all that Bella had suffered because of her proximity to our family. She kept her distance from Bella whenever I brought her to the house, pulling Emmett away with her most of the time. Emmett, who found Bella amusing at least and hilarious at most (which annoyed me almost more than Rosalie's cold shoulder) tried reasoning with her, but Rosalie was adamant in her dislike. And she remained envious of the life Bella had...a future spread out before her with so much possibility and promise...the life Rosalie had loved and still yearned for, despite her passionate relationship with Emmett.

I knew, and Emmett himself knew, that she would give up her soul mate without a thought if she was offered the chance of a normal, human life. Every time she laid eyes on Bella, she was reminded of everything she lacked in this half-life of ours, frozen in time as we are. So she pointedly ignored Bella on the few occasions when she couldn't escape from her. Bella took Rosalie's reaction to heart, and I hated seeing the hurt in her eyes when Rosalie glared at her and left the room swiftly upon Bella's frequent visits to our home.

Alice's reaction had been the opposite of Rosalie's, yet I found it almost more troubling than the latter's dislike and envy. Alice had stayed with me in Phoenix until Bella was discharged from the hospital, and I was thankful for her company during the non-visiting hours when I was not allowed to be with Bella. I would have sunk into a deep depression over what I had done to Bella, how I had nearly killed her, if not for Alice's presence, soothing me and encouraging me. She now loved Bella as a sister—in some ways, even more than she loved Rosalie.

And after we had all returned to Forks, Alice had stepped in to help care for Bella in her home, doing things that Charlie would have died rather than be forced to do: helping Bella shower and dress on a daily basis. Charlie was so intensely grateful for Alice's assistance in what have been extremely awkward and embarrassing for both him and for Bella that Alice became almost like another daughter to him. Alice had thoroughly and without apology wrapped Charlie around her little finger, a fact that both pleased and annoyed me slightly, especially when he looked on me with barely-concealed anger—which, I admit, I richly deserve after all I have put Bella through since spring break.

But Alice was still seeing glimpses of Bella's future as an immortal, seeing her face pale and cold, her eyes burning with the shocking crimson color of a newborn vampire. How I had hoped that the events in Phoenix, when I had sucked the venom from Bella's blood, would preclude that event. But it hadn't. And in some ways Bella's future as a vampire seemed to be solidifying in Alice's visions, a future that thrilled me in one small way: knowing that Bella would always be mine, that she would be joining me in this immortal life, that I would never be without her, never lose her.

But these benefits, none slight in the least, didn't seem to me to be worth stealing away Bella's future as a human—her natural, human life that she deserved to live. Although she seemed adamant about joining me in this immortal half-life, she knew little of what she was asking of me: she was asking me to kill her, then to sentence her to a soulless eternity. If I relented, it would be the most selfish act of my entire … existence.

Bella stirred in her sleep, nestling herself more tightly into my arms, murmuring my name under her breath. I brushed a strand of her dark hair off her face, the scent of strawberries from her shampoo tickling my nose. She turned her face into my chest, breathing in deeply, and she sighed my name once again. And so I allowed my mind to turn to far more pleasant thoughts, but thoughts that also brought their own concerns...


	6. Chapter 6: A Close Call

**Chapter Six: A Close Call**

Bella awoke slowly, her eyes blinking in the early morning sunshine streaming through her window which caught the reflections of my skin, sending brilliant sparkles cascading across the walls and ceiling of her room. She put up a hand to shade her eyes against the brightness and groaned softly.

"What's wrong, love?" I spoke softly but anxiously. What could be wrong with her? Was she ill? In pain? Waking from another nightmare? Humans were so fragile, and Bella was so much more so than most of her kind. The cast on her leg provided a constant reminder...

"Um, it's just so … bright … in here." She attempted to open her eyes and was blinded again by the brilliance. "Ugh … it's too early for this," she moaned, hiding her face against my chest to protect her eyes. I sighed, feeling relief course through me as I realized that nothing was wrong, and I thrilled to have her in my arms, so close … and so safe. I wished that I could never let her go. But the brilliance of my skin was obviously causing her pain...

"I'm sorry. Do you want me to leave?" I asked, saddened that this most glorious of summer mornings was being ruined by my presence.

"No!" she said firmly, her voice raised to punctuate her point. "I'll … adjust. It's just hard to deal with so much brightness so early ..." she trailed off, yawning widely.

She burrowed against me more tightly, if that was possible, her arms wrapped around my neck as she lay half on top of me. I folded my arms more firmly around her too, and we remained so for several too-short, very sweet minutes, just enjoying each others' touch as bird song wafted through her open window on the warm summer breeze.

"I might actually be able to wear shorts today," Bella mused, her voice muffled against my chest.

"Can you get them on over your cast?" I smiled, yet also couldn't help feeling a little trepidation. Bella was so beautifully formed, and seeing her clad in only shorts and a tank top would be more of a temptation than she was aware of. I found it more difficult during these warm summer months to keep my thoughts off her lovely figure, even with so many more worrisome happenings on the too-near horizon...

She frowned at the reminder of her awkward and heavy cast. I cleared my throat, trying to remove the image of Bella in summer clothing (and not much of it) from my mind. "What are your plans for today?"

The sun went behind a cloud as I spoke, thus dimming the glimmer of my skin. Bella felt the difference and raised her head carefully, squinting her eyes against possible brightness. Finding that the room only faintly glowed now, she pulled herself off me into a sitting position, grasping both of my hands in her lap as she did so.

"I was planning to drop off another few more job applications this morning," she said. "Charlie really wants me to get a summer job." Her brow wrinkled. "I'm not sure why he keeps pushing me; it's not like him."

I knew the reason for Charlie's insistence upon Bella working this summer. Although I didn't always catch Charlie's exact thoughts, the tenor of them was clear in this case. My lips tightened into a hard line at the thought.

"You know why, don't you?" she asked, her eyes narrowed. I nodded slowly. She waited, but I didn't tell her; I knew she would be angry with Charlie, and I didn't want to be the cause of family discord.

"Edward?" she prodded.

I sighed. "Charlie thinks that if you're working this summer, then you'll have less free time … thus less time to spend with … me," I stated slowly.

Bella sighed too, her brows coming together in annoyance. "Of course." She then leaned over me as I lay on my back, my head on her pillow. She placed her hands on my shoulders and lowered her face to mine to kiss me. I raised my hands to hold her face to mine as our lips moved together. I could hear her heart start to race as it always did when we kissed, and her breath came faster, rougher. The sounds of both made it difficult for me to control myself, and suddenly I found our positions reversed without breaking the kiss, Bella's head on her pillow, her arms around my neck ... and my face above hers, my cold body against her warm, fragrant one.

I held myself on my elbows so that none of my weight was upon her and continued kissing her soft, warm, willing lips. Bella's breathing now came in quick gasps, only slightly faster than mine, so I moved my lips to her throat so that she could catch her breath a little. I pressed my cool lips against the warm pulse in her neck, and my own throat burned with the delicious scent, the outrageous fragrance of her sweet blood, coursing so closely under her translucent skin. I could perfectly recall the taste of her blood from a couple of months ago. Even tinged with James' venom and the morphine Carlisle had injected, her blood had been unbelievably sweet—it had seemed so impossible to stop drinking when her blood was free of the venom. My throat imploded into flames at the clear, perfect memory, venom filling my mouth, my arms tightened around her warm body and lifting her slightly, my jaw tensed in preparation to break her fragile skin with my teeth and to drink deeply of her this very moment...

Abruptly I broke free of her, looking down at the beautiful, human girl in my arms with heartbreak in my eyes...heartbreak and desire burning in my gaze. Her eyes had flown open at my quick move, and her eyes were melted pools of deep brown, darkened with passion but turning to confusion at my expression. With a quick motion, I raised myself away from her, fully sitting up beside her, my mouth still welling with venom from her sweet scent, my muscles still tensed for the attack I had so narrowly avoided...

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "Was that too much?" Her breath still came in quick gasps, and her heart was pounding a jagged rhythm as a blush stained her pale cheeks with the most beautiful—the most tempting—color. Wordlessly I reached out my hand, ever so lightly brushing my fingers along her cheekbone. She was so beautiful, and so unaware of the desire coursing through me: desire for her physically, and desire just as strong, if not stronger, for her blood...

I shook my head, despicable creature that I am, and whispered, stress making my voice rougher than usual," No, it's not you, Bella. It's...me."

She frowned, not understanding fully. I had to explain, yet in such a way that would not frighten her unduly.

My words came quickly, as they often did when I was upset. My eyes seared into hers as I spoke. "Bella, I can't lose control with you. Ever. You must never forget what I am: a monster who never stops thirsting for your blood. I am always, ALWAYS, thirsting for you. Always. Even when I desire you..." I paused, not sure how to phrase my confused longings, "...in other ways, there is always this deplorable creature in me, wanting you for all the wrong reasons, all the most dangerous reasons." I swallowed the venom that had accumulated in my mouth at the scent of her blood and continued. "We must...*I* must be more careful with you. I can't allow myself to lose control the way I just did." I closed my eyes in despair, knowing how close I had come to killing her just now.

Bella's hand cupped the side of my face, and I opened my eyes slowly. She looked at me...miraculously still without fear. How could she NOT fear me after what I had just confessed to her? "Sssshhhh," she hushed me, comfortingly. "I'm so sorry, Edward. I got," she paused, and blushed deeply, "a bit carried away. I didn't mean to-"

I interrupted her apology. "Bella, no, sweetheart, it's not YOU**.** I just need to be far, far more careful with you, that's all. I can't allow myself to be swept up in the moment and lose control." I looked into her trusting eyes and stated slowly and emphatically, "We are going to have to stop this."

Her brow furrowed in confusion. "Stop what?"

"Being so...physical...with each other. It's just not...safe...for you."

Her face fell, and she looked so extremely disappointed that I couldn't help smiling a little despite the seriousness of the situation.

I moved even further away from her, ducking out from under her hand, beyond her warm touch. She looked hurt and confused at first, then reluctant understanding flooded her face.

Still standing beside her bed, I leaned back over her, my face close to hers. "We're just going to have to be more careful, that's all, Bella. I'm just going to have to control myself, not allow us to cross some lines. It's for your safety, love" … and for my sanity, I added silently. I bent over her, lightly pressing my lips to hers, pulling back after just a second or two. I got up, standing above Bella as she lay on the bed, her breathing and heart rate finally slowing to near normal. I felt awkward as she looked at me with an unfathomable glance. How I wished I could read her thoughts at this very moment! What could she be thinking?

"I'll let you get dressed, Bella," I said, with a warning in my voice. "I'll wait for you downstairs." I turned my back, walked out into the hallway and quietly closed the door behind me. I stopped outside her room with my hand on the knob and sighed deeply. It was going to be a long summer...a very long summer.


	7. Chapter 7: Memories

**Chapter Seven: Memories**

I accompanied Bella after she ate breakfast, driving her to a few businesses in Forks where she asked for job applications. She still couldn't drive much because of the cast on her leg, preferring to drive only to school and back, and that only because Charlie had insisted that I not take her to and from school. As he had left early for work this morning, I had volunteered to chauffeur her around town once again as Bella looked for a summer job—rather late as summer had already started, but she remained hopeful.

Wearing her one skirt as it was far easier for Bella to get on and off with her huge leg cast, and my favorite deep blue blouse (which distracted me to no end—she looked so incredibly beautiful this morning that I could barely keep my eyes on the road), she had a list written out of the places she wanted to apply, and although finding a job in such a small town seemed like a long shot, she was willing to try, willing to make Charlie happy, willing to keep the peace at home. Watching her work so hard to make Charlie happy made me feel ashamed at my own selfishness. I could never live for others the way Bella did—her unselfishness made me love her even more.

"Let's see," she said, looking at her list. I sat in the driver's seat of her ancient truck, idling noisily outside the little diner where she had just submitted another application. She made a check mark on her list next to the diner's name. "They're not hiring right now—although they really should consider hiring me since Charlie eats here almost every day for lunch." Bella laughed, reconsidering, "Maybe they don't want to offer him an employee discount every day if I worked here—they might lose money."

She glanced down her list again. "I have just one more place to check today: Newton's."

I couldn't help laughing. "You...work at Newton's?" My eyebrows raised as I teased her, "You're the last person they'd think about hiring, your cast notwithstanding."

Bella's brows came together in a frown. "Why do you say that?" she asked, obviously miffed. "My cast should come off Friday anyway, according to Carlisle." The removal of her cast was an event both of us were very much looking forward to, she because the cast was heavy and awkward, and myself because the cast was a constant reminder of the events in Phoenix...when I had so nearly lost her.

"Bella, you aren't exactly the outdoor type. Have you ever set foot inside their store?"

Her frown deepened. "No, not exactly." Then her tone brightened. "But Charlie is a great customer; he's always buying his fishing stuff there. And I'm sure they sell other items besides outdoorsy stuff."

I laughed again. "Yes, sporting goods, Bella. And we know how interested you are in sports, love."

She laughed too, reluctantly. "Okay, okay. But have you ever seen Mike's mother? She looks like the least outdoorsy person ever, and she obviously works there. So being 'sporty' doesn't seem like a prerequisite for working in a sporting goods and outdoors store." Bella had a point: Karen Newton, with her professionally manicured nails, her perfectly coiffed blonde hair, her stiletto heels, and her fashionable clothing, seemed the absolute antithesis to the great outdoors.

"Perhaps you have a chance, after all," I conceded, grinning widely at her.

Bella's eyes unfocused for a few moments, and her breathing stopped.

"Bella?" I asked anxiously.

Her eyes closed, she shook her head, trying to clear it. "You've got to stop doing that," she rebuked me.

"Doing what?" I asked, shocked.

"Dazzling me." She deliberately refusing to look in my direction, so I shifted her truck into gear and backed out of the parking space of the diner's tiny lot. Making a right turn onto the main highway, I directed the truck toward Newton's Olympic Outfitters just outside of town.

We didn't say much on the way. Bella's lips were folded in a thin line, as if she were a little peeved at the power I still seemed to hold over her. I loved that I could "dazzle" her, even after these months together, and she certainly dazzled me. I knew that her hold on me had grown even tighter since our time in Phoenix. I remembered how desperately I had tried to find her that day.

I remembered deplaning that morning in the Phoenix airport, immediately seeking her face among the crowd, blocking out the many thoughts bombarding me from every direction, so it took me a few moments to hear Alice and Jasper's panicked thoughts: They couldn't find Bella.

I had ghosted to them immediately—much, much more quickly than I have ever moved in public, weaving through the crowd in mere seconds.

"What's happening?" I had growled at Alice, noting that her face was far paler than usual.

"Bella went with Jazz to get breakfast, and she stopped at the ladies' room. He waited outside for her, but she didn't come out. I came to find out what was taking them so long, and when I checked the bathroom, she was gone. I followed her scent through another exit, down the elevator, and to the curb, but I lost it there..." Her thoughts trailed off, her panic and fear making her thoughts wordless.

"Show me," I hissed, and with Carlisle and Emmett on our heels, Alice showed us the second exit from the ladies' restroom, the one that Bella had used to escape Jasper and which was around the corner from the place Alice had been waiting for their return. Why had Bella tried to escape them? What could cause her to run away from her protectors?

I caught her scent easily outside the restroom door, and together we followed it to the elevators, picking it back up at the street level. I was frustrated beyond words at the human pace we were forced to assume as we moved through the airport because of the many human witnesses around us. The peaceful vibes Jasper sent my way did little to calm my frantic mind.

Just as Alice said, Bella's scent disappeared at the curb where taxis and shuttles picked up their passengers.

"Where could she have gone?" I attempted to control my voice, trying to hide my frustration and anger at Alice and Jasper for losing track of her. How could they let her get away? Carlisle glanced at me in warning, knowing too well how my temper often governed my words and actions, and I swallowed my anger as best I could

Alice looked at me, ancient sadness in her eyes. "The ballet studio. I saw..." her voice choked to a stop. "James is there, waiting for her. He must have somehow communicated to her; I don't know how..."

"Did she receive any calls beside ours?" I asked.

"Just her mother. She was frantic, asking for Bella, so I passed my cell to her and Bella spoke to her in the other room. But I listened to Bella's side of the conversation; she said nothing that seemed out of the ordinary. But she was very upset afterward. And then I saw it..." Her voice trailed off, and I saw what she had seen then: Bella being attacked by James. Bella, lying in a pool of her own blood as he approached her... But I couldn't let Alice's visions sidetrack me from my single-minded purpose: finding Bella.

I felt my face harden into ice as, with incredible effort, I pushed Alice's vision out of my mind. "James must have been coaching her somehow; we know that Bella can't act. Where is this ballet studio, Alice?"

"58th and Cactus; Bella told us the address when I first saw it."

Emmett had slipped away when we reached the curb; now he reappeared, pulling up in front of us in a BMW that would give us the speed we needed. We all slid into the powerful car, myself in the passenger seat. The GPS locator was on the dashboard; I quickly entered the address and turned the device toward Emmett so he could read the directions. The GPS had stated that it would take 23 minutes to reach our destination; I hoped and prayed that we could get there quickly enough.

From her purse, Alice pulled a long envelope that was blank except for a hotel logo on the front and handed it to me. "Bella gave me this to give to her mother."

I ripped open the sealed envelope and quickly glanced over Bella's scrawled note, her writing barely legible from stress. "James has her mother," I hissed. "He must have allowed her mother to talk to you and to her first, then he gave Bella directions to meet him."

Alice spoke from the backseat between Carlisle and Jasper, "I didn't see her mother in the studio—just James and Bella." She was quiet for a few moments, her eyes unfocused as she tried to see the events unfolding. "Bella is in her mother's house right now, calling a number James left for her." She moaned with impatience, "We have to hurry, Emmett!"

Jasper sent a feeling of peaceful resolve over us all, and I used the calm to think, to plan. What if I were too late? What if Bella died because of me, because of her proximity to my world? How could I exist without her? I knew how difficult, how impossible it was for a vampire to kill himself, and I knew that none of my family would ever help me to destroy myself so that I could possibly be with Bella in the afterlife...if I even had a chance at such an afterlife. But I couldn't bear the thought of living without her. There simply was no way I could go on without Bella.

Then a thought crossed my mind: the Volturi. They destroyed vampires who flouted the rules. I could go to Italy, do something that could possibly reveal myself to the humans there, and let them do what my family would not do, what I could not do. I smiled to myself, feeling somehow more at peace knowing that I had a plan to follow if we were too late to save Bella. Jasper sent me a puzzled look, feeling the change in my frantic emotions but unaware of their source.

I remembered finally pulling up to the curb, all of us flitting out of the car and into the studio just in time to hear Bella scream in agony. Reaching her first, I pulled James off of her, throwing him toward Emmett and Jasper. Carlisle, after seeing how much blood Bella had lost, directed my brothers into the smaller room, away from the blood pooling on the shiny dance floor, where they could destroy James without the distraction of Bella's blood.

And the images seared forever into my memory for all eternity: Bella lying there, unconscious in a pool of her own blood gushing from a head wound, her right leg lying at an odd angle. I remembered sobbing tearlessly, thinking she was dying...or dead. Then I heard her heartbeat: faint and irregular, her breathing weak and shallow. Carlisle was immediately assessing her injuries, applying pressure to her head wound, stopping her blood from flowing, and then stitching the long, jagged opening along her hairline closed.

And her hand...I had felt such fury that James had dared to bite her, to do what I had refrained from doing. I don't know how I ever managed to make myself stop as I sucked the venom from her. Her screams echoing in my ears helped me to tear my mouth from her skin as soon as I could no longer taste the venom, the morphine Carlisle had given her for the pain adding a strange, numbing taste to the sweetest blood I had ever tasted. And Bella lay there, so pale, so weak, so broken...the images would always haunt me, no matter how many centuries I would live. And then her whispered thanks to me were burned into my memory as well, her thanking me after all I had put her through...

I was suddenly aware that the truck had stopped, and Bella was staring at me, concern and pity in her beautiful eyes. Somehow I had driven to Newton's practically on autopilot as the memories had taken me two months and hundreds of miles away. I'm sure the expression on my face was filled with the pain that these memories always brought me. Twisting in her seat, Bella reached up to cup my face in both of her hands. "Stop," she whispered.

I attempted to smile, but her worried expression told me that my face remained pained. "I'm all right, Bella. Really."

"So am I," she reminded me. "You can't keep obsessing over the past, Edward. It's over. It's done. I'm fine." She took a deep breath, and looked into my eyes fiercely. "You can't keep blaming yourself, Edward. I was the one who stupidly ran off. I was the one James fooled into thinking he had my mother. I didn't tell you or anyone that he called, and I should have."

She took another breath and stated, slowly and emphatically, "You have to forgive yourself, Edward. You can't let what happened keep eating at you. I'm fine. We're all fine. We have a beautiful summer ahead of us to spend together. Let's not let the past ruin our present ... or our future. Forgive yourself, please. For me, if not for yourself."

I shook my head slowly. "I'm not certain that I can," I whispered, my eyes looking down at my hands frozen on the steering wheel, not meeting hers.

"Please?" she whispered back, her hands still on my face, attempting to force me to look at her.

I took a deep breath, too, trying to ignore the burn in my throat as I did so. "I'll try," I sighed unhappily.

"Thank you," she said quietly, bending upward as best she could to lightly and briefly press her lips to mine. She pulled back, smiling, and I tried to return her smile.

"Wish me luck," she said as she opened the truck door, slid out, and walked across the small parking lot of Newton's Olympic Outfitters as best she could, her cast causing her to walk more awkwardly than usual.


	8. Chapter 8: Newton's

**Chapter Eight: Newton's **

With some difficulty, Bella pushed open one side of the heavy glass double doors of Newton's Olympic Outfitters and entered the store. I watched her for as long as I could until she disappeared beyond my sight behind the aisles of merchandise. But sitting in her truck in the parking lot, I could not only hear every conversation inside the store but I could also hear the thoughts of every person there as well...except for Bella's, of course. Unashamedly I listened in, always curious about Bella and the way she interacted with others—she was just so different from any other person I had ever known, both in this "existence" and in the murky life which preceded it.

It took very little time for Mike Newton, who was ringing up a customer at the register near the back of the store, to notice Bella, and his admiring thoughts upon seeing her upset me far more than I would have imagined. I found myself gripping the steering wheel of her ancient truck far too tightly; the wheel was in serious danger of being snapped into pieces. Loosening my hands, I folded my arms over my chest and took deep breaths in a vain attempt to calm myself.

"Hey, Bella," Mike greeted her, the surprise of seeing her in Newton's obvious in his voice.

"Hi, Mike," she greeted him, and Mike noticed a blush coloring her cheeks and neck, evoked by his obvious interest in her. I was bothered greatly by his blatant regard, especially since Bella and I had been inseparable at school; Mike knows very well that we're a couple, yet here he was, still demonstrating his feelings for Bella—for MY Bella. I growled low in my throat.

"Do you need something?" he asked, still staring at Bella, his thoughts nearly wordless in sheer admiration. I ground my teeth together in frustration.

As Mike noticed her blush deepening further, I took a slow breath, attempting to calm myself. He watched Bella closely as she took a deep breath herself in nervousness.

"Yeah. I was wondering..." her voice trailed off, and she averted her eyes from Mike's. _Oh, wow, I'm still staring at her,_ he thought. _Better pull myself together..._

"...Are you hiring any more summer help here?" Bella finally asked.

Mike's reaction would have been hilarious if I hadn't been ten shades of jealous.

He stood there, shocked into sheer wordlessness at the thought of working with Bella. All summer. _Woooooowwwwww..._ finally crossed his mind before Mike realized that he was standing behind the counter with his mouth hanging open.

"Uhhhhh, let me get my m-m-mom, k?" he finally managed to stutter, disappearing quickly into the small room behind the counter area.

I heard the whispered conversation between Mike and his mother in the back room and tried not to wince too much as he discussed Bella. Mike's dad had decided not to hire additional employees for their busiest season, but Karen Newton had apparently been complaining just this morning about her need for more help in the store. Unashamedly I listened to Mike asking his mom to hire Bella as he attempted to be "cool" about it and not let his mother see how very badly he wanted her to hire Bella. He reminded his mom about her complaints regarding their need for extra help, how he knew Bella at school and how popular and nice she is, etc. He at last persuaded his mother to come out to the counter to talk to Bella.

As Bella discussed the possibility of working at Newton's with Mike's mother, I looked at Bella through Karen's Newton's appraising eyes. She saw Bella as being a rather plain girl, a little shy and awkward, yet she had seen how interested her son was in this blushing girl, and by the end of their conversation, Mrs. Newton found herself intrigued by Bella as well.

Intrigued enough to offer Bella a part-time job on a provisional basis.

"When does your cast come off, Bella?" Mrs. Newton asked, addressing her one major concern with hiring Bella.

"Friday morning. I can be ready to work on Saturday," Bella assured her.

"Hmmm," Mike's mother mused. "Let's make it Monday so that you can get a little more used to walking without the cast, all right?"

Bella nodded in agreement, and asked what time she should come in to start work.

I lost track of the details of her conversation with Mrs. Newton as Mike's thrill at having Bella hired at his family's store maddened me. He was positively ecstatic about having Bella around the store on a regular basis, already plotting ways to get her to spend extra time with him. I wondered what Jessica would think of this development, especially as I could tell that Mike's thoughts had not strayed to Jessica once since Bella had entered the store.

Meanwhile I was still taking slow, deep breaths to calm myself so I could be genuinely happy for Bella's success in obtaining her goal of a summer job, thus getting Charlie off her case. As I listened with half my concentration to the final arrangements Bella was making with Karen Newton, I attempted to clear Mike's thoughts from my mind as much as possible so that I could be enthusiastic once Bella returned to her truck to tell me her "news."

I watched Bella open the front door and start to cross the lot to where I sat in the truck, and I noted her glowing expression. Smiling widely, she exuded sheer happiness, and I knew that I needed to draw on my considerable acting abilities in order to match her mood. As she opened the passenger door of the truck and awkwardly slid onto the wide bench seat, dragged her cast up into the truck, I turned to her, hoping that a convincing smile was plastered across my face while my heart sank a little at Bella's obvious happiness.

"Edward, I got it! I got a job!" she nearly squealed. And Bella doesn't squeal; her joy was truly palpable as she turned her shining eyes onto me.

I gathered her into my arms, returning her smile with genuine gladness at her excited expression. There was no way that I could possibly disappoint such a face.

"Bella, that's wonderful!" I enthused, leaning over to her and pressing my lips to hers. She wrapped her arms around my neck and returned the kiss, perhaps more enthusiastically than was wise. It was sometimes so difficult to be this close to Bella and not treat her as gently as was necessary. Despite having Bella tight in my arms with her lips moving against mine in sheer joy, I kept myself in perfect control and after allowing her a few moments of expressing her joy, I reluctantly unwound her arms from around my neck and pulled my face back from hers. She pouted momentarily at the disruption of the kiss but was too excited to protest too vociferously.

"I can't believe it!" she crowed. "Charlie is going to be thrilled!"

"When do you start?" I asked out of politeness; I already knew the answer but wanted to allow her to thoroughly enjoy reporting her news to me.

"Monday morning at nine. And they want me to work four hours a day, five days a week. And if this works out, I may get even more hours than that!"

"That's wonderful, Bella," I told her, trying very hard to mean it, but something in my expression caused her face to fall slightly.

"I know," she sighed, the joy fading a little from her expression. I smiled gently at her in acknowledgement; we would be separated for half of her summer now. And, as was usual with my complex relationship with Bella, I felt torn. Of course I wanted to spend every moment of every day with her; time away from her simply was not worth living. Yet remaining with her all day each day put her in increased danger—danger from me, from members of my family. But mostly from me...

But I also understood the disappointment that was consuming Bella—because it was filling me as well. I didn't want her to be spending so many hours away from me—nor so many hours with Newton who was annoying me to no end right now as, in the store behind us, his every thought was about Bella starting work with him on Monday.

Noting her downcast expression, I had a wonderful idea of how to cheer Bella up. "Well, we do have five days before you start work. And you'll have your cast off on Friday. So how about spending the rest of that day with me?" A plan was forming in my mind-such a wonderful plan that Bella would be abolutely, entirely amazed...as would I. An involuntary smile curved my lips as I imagined it all...

Bella looked at me curiously. "But of course I will spend Friday with you. I spend every day with you," she replied, confused, wondering what would be different about Friday.

I gave her a superior look. "Good. I have something special lined up for the rest of the day. So don't make any other plans for Friday, okay?" I couldn't help smiling at her bemusement, grinning so widely and with such genuine joy that apparently I "dazzled" her again; I watched her eyes unfocus and heard her heart rate increase.

She shook her head slowly, trying to regain her thoughts. "Um...okay," she agreed, her voice wavering slightly.

I leaned over, kissing her just under her left ear, before starting her truck to take her home...and as far away from Mike Newton as possible.


	9. Chapter 9: A Musical Interlude

**Chapter Nine: A Musical Interlude**

I dropped Bella off at her house to tell Charlie the good news. She was still glowing with the triumph of getting the job, and it was becoming increasingly difficult to show her the appropriate enthusiasm. After parking her truck on the street in its usual spot, I opened Bella's door for her, helping her out of the truck (it was still difficult for her to get in and out of the truck with her heavy leg cast) and to her front door. She turned to me on her front step, and I couldn't resist taking Bella into my arms, holding her close and laying my cheek on the top of her head. Bella nestled closer, and we both stood there in the gray afternoon light, the summer sunshine suffused by the constant cloud cover. I wished our moment could last forever; I felt so happy there with Bella safe in my arms, protected by any and everything that conspired against her.

Sighing, Bella at last took a half step back, keeping her arms around my waist, then leaned up for a goodbye kiss. I bent my head and pressed my cold lips into the warm softness of her mouth, my arms tightening around her, bowing her body against mine, my hand caressing the back of her graceful neck under her thick curtain of dark hair. She released my body, wrapping her arms around my neck, burying her hands in my hair. Her lips became more insistent, parting beneath mine, her warm tongue lightly tracing my lips; she sighed into my mouth, her sweet breath enveloping my senses.

I couldn't resist and crushed her to me, taking care to hold her gently against my cold body. The kiss deepened, our tongues tangling together, cold with warm. Bella's heart pounded against my silent chest, seeming to bound out of her as her breathing came in quick, shallow gasps. I finally broke the kiss, my own breathing much faster than usual as well. Reluctantly I stepped back, looking at her with concern. Bella seemed pale and unsteady on her feet, and I quickly moved my hands under her forearms to support her as she swayed, blinking her eyes rapidly.

"Bella?" I questioned with concern.

She gulped air deeply into her lungs, her face turning from white to blush-pink as she took in large breaths. "I'm okay," she insisted.

"Ah, Bella," I said, burying my face in her hair as I held her close again for one last moment before releasing her, watching her to be sure she was steady on her feet now.

She was. A frown creased her forehead as she asked, "Won't you come in?"

I shook my head in negation. "No, I'll let you tell Charlie your news and I'll be back tonight after you've eaten dinner."

She reached up, pressing her lips to mine for a quick goodbye peck before turning to open her front door. I waited until she had closed the door behind her, giving me one last wistful glance before she shut the door.

I didn't want to hear Charlie's delight at Bella's news, so I walked across their lawn and into the forest that surrounded their small front yard until I was out of sight of any possible neighbors, then I ran toward home, ghosting between the trees much faster than even my car could drive to our house, only slowing as I reached our front porch.

I entered the house to find my family at their usual pursuits. Esme was upstairs, humming over a new set of plans in her office. Emmett and Jasper were watching a baseball game on the flatscreen, Rosalie tucked under Emmett's arm—HER mind was definitely not on the game; I quickly shut out her very personal plans following the last inning. Carlisle sat near them, his attention riveted on the book in his lap. Alice was upstairs, taking a critical look at her overflowing closet, planning her next shopping trip. I slipped in, knowing they heard me but no one greeted me as I moved quietly to my piano.

I hadn't played much since our return from Phoenix, but for some reason, I sought the solace of music this afternoon. I ran my fingers over the keys, checking the tuning; it was perfect. I started playing Bella's lullaby quietly to myself, focusing on the complicated music rather than the complicated thoughts that tossed my peace in every direction as I tried shutting out images of James torturing Bella...of my own struggles to stop drinking her blood...of Mike Newton's thrilled and admiring expression when Bella was hired today...

Abruptly I stopped playing, my hands at a standstill, hovering over the ivory keys in stress and indecision. Esme's hands on my shoulders surprised me; I started. No one sneaked up on me, but my mind had been roiling over the disturbing images of Bella in danger so deeply that I was unaware of her quiet steps behind me. Esme squeezed my shoulders gently in sympathy.

"Edward?" she questioned softly, "What is it?"

With my back still to her, my head was in my hands as grief and worry consumed me. Esme said nothing; she turned and sat beside me on the piano bench, turning me to face her, her arm around my shoulders in a comforting gesture.

I couldn't answer her question, but she knew how upset I have been since Phoenix.

"Will this work out?" I asked under my breath, more rhetorically than anything.

Esme pulled me against her, wrapping both arms around me now as agony seized me. "Edward, Edward," she whispered, "you love her. You'll find a way for this to work. You are the best and brightest of us all; you deserve happiness. You deserve having love in your life. I am so sorry that everything is so complicated."

Carlisle suddenly appeared in front of us, his hand on my shoulder as he faced the two of us on the piano bench. "Edward, I know this relationship is fraught with difficulties, but I believe that if anyone can walk the line here between the human world and ours, you can."

I shook my head at Carlisle's words of encouragement. "I don't know..." my voice was barely audible, even to the two vampires touching me. I thought back to the passionate kiss on her front steps a mere hour ago, and indecision engulfed me. "I don't know," I repeated helplessly. My desire for Bella was so...complex. How could I keep her safe yet still respond to her strong physical attraction for me, and mine for her...my desires for her body and for her blood? Our love seemed...improbable. Impossible.

"I should leave," I whispered.

"No!" Esme spoke low but fiercely. "Edward, no, please!"

Carlisle's reaction was less strong but more serious. "Do what you need to do, Son. We will miss you...you know that. But..." his voice trailed off.

At last I raised my eyes to look at him; Carlisle's gentle eyes gazed back at me, his sadness evident. "But?" I questioned.

"But I don't know if you CAN leave her now. It would break your heart...and hers."

I sighed. "I should have left months ago...when I first knew I loved her. But I didn't...I couldn't...and I don't know if I can leave now..." My head was in my hands again, and I sighed deeply.

I felt their unspoken thoughts—Esme's grief at my sorrow, my dilemma, her love for me and for Bella strong in her thoughts, her need for family unity clamant. Carlisle's torn thoughts, wanting Bella to be safe since he loved her as a daughter now, but his knowledge that tragedy lurked around every corner as Bella spent her time with me, with our family.

I was on my feet, unable to handle the depth of their thoughts a single moment longer. "I'll be in my room," I murmured, ghosting up the two flights of stairs and closing my door behind me.


	10. Chapter 10: More Visions

**Chapter Ten: More Visions**

Once in my room I stood in the middle of the usually welcoming space, staring out into the forest through my window-wall, watching the afternoon light fade over the woods, over the river, my thoughts roiling again. Being alone wasn't good for me as I berated myself for all the danger I had subjected Bella to. Being in her presence brought me a modicum of peace...yet being with her put her directly in danger from my mere presence. The situation seemed untenable...impossible...on so many levels. I was perfectly still, frozen by the stress, the fear, of my dilemma.

I don't know how long I stood there in front of the magnificent view, my eyes seeing nothing of the beauty spread out before me. But it was well after dark when a gentle knock caused me to turn my head, and I caught Alice's thoughts...Alice's deep concern...outside my door.

"Come in," I said, my voice flat, emotionless. I remained where I had stood for the past few hours as Alice slipped into my room and seated herself on the black leather sofa in front of me. Her face was serious, her brow puckered.

I said nothing, waiting for her to start.

"I know how you're feeling," Alice began, her voice low. Her assumption maddened me, my temper flaring out of control.

"No, Alice! You have NO IDEA how I'm feeling!" I lashed out at her. "NO IDEA!"

Alice's own temper came into play at my heated tone and words. "Is that so?" she questioned sarcastically. "You aren't feeling intensely guilty over the danger you have already put Bella in, especially after she nearly bled to death before your eyes—not to mention your nearly killing her yourself, trying to keep her from changing into what we are? You aren't living in constant terror that something else will happen to her—something you'll do to her, or something one of us will do, or something else outside of your control taking her life? But you also can't stay away from her, either. You can't leave without ruining your life and ruining hers as well. You can't win, no matter what you decide to do. Am I close?" she challenged.

All my immortal strength deserted me; my legs refused to support me, and I dropped to my knees before her, overwhelmed with the truth of her words. "Yes," I moaned quietly, my head buried in my hands yet again.

In an instant, Alice was kneeling next to me, her arms around me. "I know. I know," she crooned softly, over and over, as if to a child. My body shook with tearless sobs, grieving for all the damage I had done to Bella, all the damage I could do to her. I had held my feelings inside for so long that it was a relief to finally allow them to spill over. And Alice truly understood—which was also a relief.

At last my shoulders stopped heaving; my breathing began to normalize. I drew in several deep breaths and loosened the grip on my knees, wrapping my arms around my tiny sister in an affectionate hug. "Thank you," I breathed into her ear.

Alice pulled back, trying to look me in the eye. "This is not an impossible situation, Edward. Really, it isn't."

Her reassurance did little to ease my agony. "Right," I said, irony tinging my reply.

"It's not as hopeless as you think it is. I've been seeing-"

My head snapped up, and at last I met her gaze. "What? What have you been seeing?"

Alice averted her eyes—usually a bad sign. "Well, lots of different possibilities, but-"

"Like what?" I interrupted.

She got to her feet, then plumped herself onto the sofa. I remained on my knees, watching her carefully. And then she let her mind run through the visions she had been attempting to hide from me for the past few days, each image striking my heart with fear, joy, terror, as it flashed across her mind and mine...

_Bella, lost in the woods at night, calling my name in breathless sobs, something large and dark trailing her every move..._

_ Bella curled up on her bed in her room, her eyes blank and empty, her face catatonic with grief, as Charlie, sitting on the edge of her bed, tried to talk to her, his hand on her shoulder..._

_ Bella sitting in her truck which was stopped in the middle of a residential street in Forks, sobbing, her arms wrapped around her chest, banging her forehead against the steering wheel, her face paler, thinner than it was now, and twisted in unspeakable pain..._

_ Bella preparing to jump from a cliff into the roiling sea below, her face strangely peaceful, a slight smile curving her lips—then she jumped, screaming until she disappeared beneath the crashing waves..._

_ Myself on a street in a strange place—it looked like Rio—my face crumpled in terrifying agony as I threw a cell phone into a trash can, then walked on, my movements automatic, almost those of a sleepwalker..._

_ Myself, writhing in torturous pain on a stone floor in a castle-like turret, unable to scream..._

_ Bella curled in my lap in Charlie's kitchen, her hands on my face as she leaned upward to kiss me gently... _

_ Myself holding Bella close in this very room while we both admired my mother's diamond engagement ring sparkling on Bella's left hand..._

_ Bella, absolutely breathtaking in a white wedding dress, blushing a beautiful, deep rose color as she walked down the stairs of our home on Charlie's arm, garlands of white flowers dripping from every surface of our home as I waited below, at Carlisle's side, my face aglow with joy and triumph..._

_ Bella and I waist-deep in a warm sea, both of our bodies silver in the moonlight as she placed one hand over my heart and whispered, "We belong together..."_

_ Myself sitting on the floor of a bedroom with a large white bed, my eyes glassy with shock and fear while Bella spoke into my cell phone, the sound of waves crashing on a nearby beach..._

_ Bella, bloody and mangled, on her back atop a brightly-lit operating table in Carlisle's library, her face blue and staring as I did CPR, forcing her heart to beat against its will, my face extremely focused in single-minded determination..._

_ Bella's face, now white, pale, cold, eternal—her eyes a bright crimson as she crouched in a corner of Carlisle's library, defensive yet perfect—her face even more lovely than it is now, if such a thing were possible..._

The last image faded from Alice's mind, and I looked into her eyes, speechless.

It took her a moment to gather herself together; she loved Bella, too, and these visions, even if they were not going to happen, concerned us both. There was such a mixture of joy and pain in these foreign yet familiar images...

"I should leave," I whispered. "I can't do this to her...any of it..."

"But Edward," Alice protested, "you can't leave. Look at the life ahead of you both: love and marriage and-"

I cut her off. "And look at all of the other, horrible things—like Bella suffering ... jumping off a cliff … dying … becoming a vampire... I can't do that to her, Alice. I love her too much to allow her to suffer this way for me. I'm not worth it. And it's not … right." My voice trailed off, my face twisting with indecision.

"Edward, you always dwell on the negative!" Alice chided.

"And you gloss over all that can go wrong, just for the sake of a wedding to plan!" I retorted.

"You know it's far more than that! I want you and Bella to be happy together. I want her to be my sister. I want her to be HERE—you both to be here. And if you leave, you will tear her heart to shreds … you will leave her bleeding in a far worse way than James did." Alice's voice rose in anger. I glared back at her.

The door of my room slammed open, and Jasper stood there, very aware of the anger we both felt. He had come to rescue Alice, of course.

"Overprotective fool," Alice whispered under her breath.

Without a word, Jasper extended his hand toward Alice, and taking it, she rose gracefully from the sofa and accompanied him out the door, leaving me to stew in these visions now indelibly seared into my memory.

What was I to do? The answer to that dilemma became more complex with each passing day.


	11. Chapter 11: Preparations

**Chapter Eleven: Preparations **

I picked Bella up early on Friday morning, helping her carefully into my Volvo in plenty of time for her appointment with Carlisle at the hospital. Bella grinned widely at me as I closed the passenger door. Within the same second I was sliding into the driver's seat, and Bella was still smiling so infectiously that I couldn't help returning her grin.

Bella's heart jumped erratically, her eyes glazing over for a few seconds as she sucked in a deep breath to calm herself.

As I backed out of Charlie's driveway, I leaned toward her. "So, are you excited about today?"

Shaking her head to clear it, Bella smiled as she answered, "I can't wait to get rid of this horrible thing!" and she motioned to the clumsy plaster cast encasing her leg.

"I don't blame you," I laughed. "But I was referring to the rest of our day, actually."

"How can I possibly be excited when I have no idea what I am going to be doing today?" Bella grumbled. Her dislike of surprises was certainly unchanged.

"I assure you that today will be well-worth some excitement on your part," I informed her with a superior tone.

Bella wrinkled her nose in mock-annoyance, but I was flying today, and she could tell. _I_was the one who was alight with anticipation for this day's events, not least of which was the removal of her cast, a constant reminder of James' attack on her in Phoenix ten weeks ago. But I also had an incredible day planned—one that would remain seared in her memory—even her sieve-like human memory—for her entire life. Today was going to be _that_ good. I couldn't help smiling to myself, humming a tune from the 50s under my breath.

Bella smiled at my excellent mood, settling contentedly against the soft leather seat as I drove faster than the surrounding cars to the hospital where Carlisle waited for us.

An hour later, Bella walked by my side as I courteously helped her back into the Volvo, her right leg paler and thinner than her left, but otherwise, Bella was perfectly normal. Carlisle had warned her to take especial care, extending his non-verbal warning to me as well to be very careful with Bella for the next few weeks as the danger of a re-break would be higher for the next month. Bella had promised him, and Carlisle sought my silent nod before he escorted her out of the ER, a rather fatherly smile lighting his serene countenance. He winked at me as he waved; Alice must have alerted him to my plans for our day together.

"So, where are we going?" Bella asked, obviously delighted to be free of the cumbersome leg cast that had caused her to be more clumsy than usual.

"That's for me to know and for you to find out," I teased, leaning toward her with a mischievous smile as I noted her look of genuine annoyance.

I well knew Bella's general opinion of surprises, but today would be so special, so wonderful, that she would love every second of it. And there was the added bonus of driving any and all thoughts of Mike Newton right out of her mind as I planned to "dazzle" her beyond anything I had ever attempted before.

I drove with my usual haste to our family's home nestled deep in the Olympic forest in order to start our day off properly. Alice had assisted me with my plans as her creativity was highly useful ... at times. Bella said little, enjoying the drive with the windows down, inhaling the fresh summer breezes on this overcast day. The clouds were thinning, and Alice's predictions for a sunny afternoon on both sides of the Sound seemed to be right on the money … as usual.

I pulled the Volvo around to our large garage and grinned widely as I heard Bella's sharp intake of breath. Parked in the driveway, sparkling in the diffused sunshine, was my silvery Aston-Martin Vanquish, drool-worthy in every way (if vampires could drool, that is), with Alice perched jauntily on the hood. I backed the Volvo into its usual spot in the garage, then whisked around the front of the car to open Bella's door. Her jaw remained slack, her mouth gaping and her eyes fixed on the beautiful car that had always remained covered, even in our garage.

"W-w-w-w-whose is th-th-that?" she stammered.

"Mine," I replied coolly as Alice slid gracefully from the hood and danced over to Bella who remained frozen in her seat, her eyes still staring unblinkingly at the classic British sports car … my dream car. I shrugged for Bella's benefit although I doubted she noticed. "An indulgence..." I allowed my voice to trail off.

"Wow," Bella mouthed, unable to get enough break to speak the word. I couldn't help laughing at her mesmerized gaze as I offered her my hand and helped her from the Volvo, her eyes never leaving my "other" car.

I leaned close to her. "Breathe, Bella," I reminded her in her ear with a satisfied smirk.

On her feet next to the Volvo, Bella at last broke her gaze by blinking several times in rapid succession, taking a deep breath and swallowing loudly.

"Alice will show you to her room so you can change," I said. "I'll meet you back here in a few minutes."

Bella shook her head slowly, still in disbelief, but she allowed an enthusiastic Alice to take her by the hand and tow her to the house. Once Bella was out of sight, I ghosted to the trunk of the car, popped it, and examined the interior which Alice had packed according to my specific instructions. Inside were two carefully laid-out garment bags which encased our evening clothes as well as a tightly packed picnic basket, candles and matches, a satin coverlet which would be our picnic "blanket," fluffy towels, my iPod and battery-powered speakers, plus a small duffel bag each. Even our evening shoes were tucked into the corner in their respective boxes. Everything was ready.

I heard the back door of our home open as Alice escorted Bella inside. Within a few seconds I was also entering the house and flew up to my room where I changed into board shorts and a long-sleeved polo shirt. Donning sunglasses and a Mariners baseball cap with a wide brim, I thrust my sockless feet into tan dock shoes and disappeared downstairs, laughing silently as I passed Alice's room in which Bella was objecting to the bikini, sandals, tank top, and shorts outfit that Alice had purchased for Bella especially for this occasion.

Mentally I sighed, too—I had seen what Bella would look like today in Alice's vision; her unassuming sexiness would definitely test the limits of my self-control this day. But I knew that Bella would love the romantic outings I had planned with such loving care, so I quieted my reservations and, stopping at the living room sofa to kiss Esme goodbye, I ran back to the garage to eagerly await Bella's appearance.

A very long seven minutes later, Bella and Alice reappeared, Alice dancing at a morose Bella's side. Through her sunglasses, Bella shot me an accusing glare, and I folded my lips tightly to keep a smile from appearing.

"Where are you taking me?" Bella asked, accusingly.

"Several places," I replied with a winning smile which widened as Bella's breathing hitched; I must be "dazzling" her again. Clearly admiring, her eyes softened as she took in my clothing. She had never seen me so casually dressed, and never in board shorts.

"You're going to LOVE it!" insisted Alice, with an uplifted expression. "I helped plan the whole thing! Bella, you are the luckiest girl on the entire Pacific coast!"

I laughed as Bella rolled her eyes at Alice's hyperbole, but I also didn't think my sister was exaggerating … much. This day was going to be absolutely stunning … nearly as stunning as Bella herself.

Always the gentleman, I came to Bella's side and handed her into the passenger seat of my Vanquish before settling myself behind the wheel, Alice waving goodbye excitedly behind us as we roared down the driveway.


	12. Chapter 12: The BestLaid Plans

**Chapter Twelve: The Best-Laid Plans**

We drove toward Seattle. What usually was a four-plus hour drive I made in the Vanquish in a mere ninety minutes, despite Bella's wide-eyed glances at the speedometer. Arriving before noon, I steered the car to the docks. The sun was just about to break through the thin clouds as I parked the car in front of the valet stand at The Corinthian Yacht Club of Seattle. After pulling the trunk release, I tossed the waiting valet my car keys before walking around the front of the silvery car to open Bella's door, placing my hand under her right arm to help her out of the low-slung sports car.

Bella stumbled slightly as she stood, and I kept my hand under her elbow until she regained her balance. Once she seemed stable, I let go and strode to the trunk and gathered what we needed, then turned to Bella.

She seemed stunned as she looked at across the marina, the hundreds of bobbing masts apparently overwhelming her. "Where are you taking me?" she asked, fear tinging her lovely voice.

"This way, my lady," I teased, extending one arm toward the docks while easily juggling the remainder of my load in my left arm. Bella smiled tightly, following me with obvious reluctance as I led her down the slanted ramp and, turning right, to a private slip halfway down the dock. Bella came to a complete stop, her jaw slack as I boarded the fifty-foot Hunter sailing yacht.

(NOTE: Yes, I know that in _Breaking Dawn_, Bella mentioned never seeing Edward's expertise on a boat, but I had to have a romantic sail in here...)

Tossing my armful onto the well-padded leather bench outside the cabin, I turned to escort Bella onto the small sailboat. She was still standing, mouth agape, on the main dock. I flashed out of the boat and to her side in an instant, worried by her deep shock.

"Bella?" I questioned, my hand reaching for her warm one hanging limply at her side. "Won't you come aboard?" Was she scared of sailing? Did she have a phobia of water, or oceans? Did she get seasick? Why was she so pale, so still? Was she even breathing?

As I looked anxiously into her eyes, the precise color of milk chocolate, Bella swallowed noisily and let out her breath with a loud whoosh, color flooding back into her cheeks. She took in another noisy breath and squeaked, "Okay..." Her voice was barely a whisper. But she allowed me to take her hand and gently help her onto the boat where I seated her on the long leather-covered bench opposite the one where I had laid my burdens.

While Bella sat there, stunned into silence once again, I pulled out a bunch of keys and proceeded to unlock the cabin of the Hunter, bringing downstairs the majority of what I had brought from the car's trunk. Opening the basket, I placed several items in the refrigerator before placing several bags and boxes on the bed in the forward compartment. In a short moment, I had reappeared on the deck beside Bella, gently seating myself next to her stiff form. Carefully I reached forward and took her hand in mine once again.

"Bella?" I questioned again in a low voice. "What is it?" I couldn't see why she was so shocked, so frozen. What had happened? What had I done? How badly had I scared her?

Bella shook her head slowly, opened her mouth to speak and then closed it again, still silent. Her eyes bored into mine, and they were wide with fear and...anger ?

"Is this yours?" she finally choked out.

"Is what mine?" I asked, stalling for a moment to work out the reason behind her strange reaction although I was beginning to glimpse a possible explanation.

"This," she replied in a low whisper, motioning to the cabin of the fifty-foot yacht.

"No," I promptly lied. "It's a rental, that's all."

She nodded, relaxing slightly. It was such a _small_ sailboat, really. I was thankful that I had chosen to use this modest boat for our date rather than the HUGE yacht we used as a family. Although I hated not telling Bella the truth, a white lie seemed the best way to get her to unwind about the money thing.

I hardly ever thought of money; it was merely something our family accumulated, the result of immortality and a sister who accurately predicted trends in the stock market. Money was literally no object for us.

But Bella lived very differently—very simply. And apparently she objected to my spending money on her. She refused the expensive gifts I wanted to give her—mere tokens of my eternal love—but I had hoped that she would allow me to lavish her with a romantic date, at least. But … apparently even this day was in questionable taste, according to her...

I stood and began to prepare for our departure. Bella watched silently, not moving from her place as I uncovered and checked the sails, chucking the canvas sail covers below deck before examining the engine. I jumped onto the teak deck beside the cabin and then to the dock itself where I rapidly unwrapped the thick ropes that moored the yacht in the slip, untethering the yacht from the dock then tossing the ropes aboard the boat before hopping back aboard and seating myself at the helm. I turned the small key under the seat, and the powerful engine that Rosalie had boosted for me roared to life, water flowing rapidly from the rear of the yacht. Backing out of the slip, I reversed the engine once we were clear and motored the sailboat out of the marina.

As the sun slowly emerged from behind the thin clouds and we left other sailboats behind, I removed my baseball cap and thrilled to the speed of the motor. Finally I turned to look at Bella, afraid to see her unhappy despite my best efforts to make this day all about her pleasure.

Bella had turned on the seat, facing the direction we were traveling, with her knees drawn to her chin, her arms wrapped about her shins. As the wind whipped her dark hair behind her, she closed her eyes, obviously enjoying the wind and the sun on her face. I grinned mostly to myself, pushing the engine even faster into the wind as we followed the coast northward. As we motored along the beautiful coastline with pine forests gathered tightly to rocky beaches, I whispered Bella's name, and she opened her eyes. The loveliness of the pristine coast caused her to gasp, then as she turned to catch my eye, she gasped again. The sun had emerged, and my skin sparkled brightly in the sunshine. And she was mesmerized...

Bella scooted along the bench to sit nearer to me, reaching her hand to my face, cupping my cheek. I leaned into her warm, willing touch, my eyes taking in her beauty with the same hunger that she was absorbing mine. The familiar electricity hummed between us, the moment seeming to freeze us in time, our eyes locked into each others'. I wanted to take her into my arms and bury my lips in hers right then and there, but my attention was also needed to guide the yacht into the next inlet. Our gazes remained mesmerized, silent promises exchanged as I steered around a rocky point.

Bella's shaky intake of breath forced me to tear my gaze from hers and concentrate on guiding the boat into the deserted inlet, one that Emmett and I had scoped out last week on a hunting trip. Rimmed by towering pines was a rocky cove with a small, perfect area of soft sand. The afternoon brightened as the sun shone with a nearly southern brightness. We had arrived.

I motored closer to the shore and, once in position, I switched off the motor, and the sailboat bobbed silently on the gentle waves. Moving quickly to the bowsprit, I released the anchor, and back in the rear of the vessel near Bella, I lowered the small dingy (what sailing people call a rowboat), pulling its rope over to the side of the yacht. Flashing downstairs, I gathered all of the necessary items which I gently tossed into the front of the dinghy beside the oars. Then turning to Bella, I offered her my hand.

"You've got to be kidding," Bella protested, looking over the side of the yacht to the small dinghy bobbing at its side.

I looked from Bella's white, worried face to the small dinghy. Making a quick decision, I hopped down into the dinghy, then reached above my head, my arms open to Bella. She sat on the edge of the yacht, her legs dangling over the edge, and I grasped her waist, lowering her carefully onto the rear wooden seat of the dingy, facing me. I then settled on the middle seat, taking up the oars and placing them in the sprockets before rowing us to shore, my back toward land.

Bella looked surprised as we approached the shore, as if she had never imagined such a thing as taking a sail to a place like this. I couldn't help smiling at her bemused expression.

"So, what do you think of our day so far?" I asked her, grinning.

"Ummmm," she stammered. "I really don't know what to think...yet."

I raised an eyebrow, asking her an unspoken question.

"No, I've never been on a boat before," she confessed. "It's not the best idea for the uncoordinated. Too much of the chance of falling overboard, you know..." Her voice trailed off as the bottom of the tiny boat ground into the rocky shore.

Dropping the oars into the dinghy, I hopped out into the shallow water, pulling the small craft onto the rocky beach. After tying the rope to a nearby pine, I flashed back to where Bella remained seated in the dinghy, and, taking her hand, I helped her onto the shore and escorted her to the small sandy area where the sun shone brightly. I ghosted back to the boat and gathered the rest of the things inside.

Returning to Bella, I laid out the golden coverlet as a beach blanket, opened the picnic basket, and put a bottle of pinot grigio in a pewter ice bucket beside the basket. I also pushed the brass-covered bottom of a gold-striped beach unbrella into deep into the sand to provide us with shade, if we desired. And then I turned to Bella.

"What do you think now?" I asked, my eyes glinting mischievously.

Bella's gaze was warm again as she stepped to my side, raising her arms to place them around my neck. "Right now? I love it," she whispered, her warm touch causing me to shudder involuntarily. I lowered my face to hers and captured her willing lips against my stone-cold mouth...


	13. Chapter 13: On the Beach

**Chapter Thirteen: On the Beach **

I lifted a forkful of the same Italian dish that Bella had eaten on our first "date" in Port Angeles, mushroom ravioli, to her lips as we lolled on the golden coverlet atop the warm sand, flickering votive candles in crystal bowls surrounding us, even in the afternoon sunshine. True, candlelight would be more effective at night, but Alice had insisted...

Bella smiled at me as I dabbed at the corner of her mouth with the linen napkin in my other hand. "I'm stuffed, really," she protested as I prepared to continue feeding her. She had taken only a sip or two of the wine, explaining that while she appreciated the romantic idea behind the pinot grigio, wine wasn't really her "thing."

Reluctantly she took one last bite of ravioli before groaning, "I won't be able to move!" and flopped onto her back, throwing her arm over her face. Grinning at her hidden face, I scooped up the remaining food and put it away before stretching out next to her on my side, leaning on my elbow so I could watch her. The sun sent shimmers reflecting from my skin across her arms and face, and I froze, shutting my eyes firmly against this glimpse of Bella, sparkling like an immortal.

All too clearly, despite my closed eyes I viewed the future Alice had seen so very clearly...the future that would apparently happen after much pain and suffering, on both of our parts. I sighed, wishing for the strength to leave, to take away the pain that my presence was seeming to bring upon the girl I loved so very dearly. If only I could be strong enough to leave, to save her from becoming the monster I was...

I felt Bella move beside me, and as I opened my eyes, she reached a tentative hand to my cheek, frowning at the pained grimace that must have been my expression. "Edward?" she asked, worried. "What is it?"

I shook my head, pasting an almost-convincing smile across my face. "Nothing, Bella." I rolled away from her to adjust a few of the candles, trying to buy a few moments to gather my defenses. But Bella saw through me all too easily; I knew the fear would remain in my eyes and that she would recognize it. She always did.

"Edward?" Bella's questioning voice followed me. I sighed heavily, took a deep breath, and turned back to her, my face a mask of calm. I smiled, attempting to dazzle her as a distraction. I reached my hand to her face, cupping it in my cold palm. As I listened to her breathing roughen and heart rate increase at my mere touch, my smile broadened as her eyes dilated and locked into mine. I leaned over, bringing my lips to hers ever so gently.

And Bella's arms were around my neck, her fingers digging into the hair at the nape of my neck as she kissed me back, warmly and passionately. I sighed against her closed mouth and she obediently opened hers. Ever so slowly, my icy tongue traced the shape of her beautiful lips; Bella groaned under me, trying to pull herself even closer. Her chest heaved under mine, and her warmth permeated me, making me feel more human than I ever had before. My arms wrapped under her, sliding between her top and the coverlet beneath us, holding her even more fully against me. My mouth crushed hers gently, her warm breath mingling with mine, the sweet taste of her filling me.

Not breaking the kiss, Bella raised herself on her elbow, still remaining in my arms, then, placing her hand on my chest, she pushed me down onto the coverlet, then laid across me. I allowed the change in position, entranced by the her beauty and by the human emotions she evoked in me. She kissed me harder now, moaning deep in her throat as she pulled herself fully on top of me, our bodies in full contact. I held her as gently as I could while desire coursed through me—desire that I had never experienced this fully. It was difficult to concentrate—to keep my touch gentle enough to avoid hurting her. Her tongue shyly entered my icy mouth, tentatively touching mine.

The darting motion of her tongue in my mouth could have sent me over the edge into pure insanity—but I somehow wrenched my face to the side, breaking the kiss, allowing Bella to breathe freely and myself to regather my scattered wits. As I turned my face from her, Bella trailed hot kisses along my jaw, under my ear, scraping her teeth along my sensitive earlobe then down the side of my throat...and any chance of my regaining control promptly disappeared. I held her against me, her heat filling my silent chest as she whispered my name between kisses, and my hold on her tightened slightly. Her warm breath pooled in the hollow under my collarbone as she continued her path to the top button of my shirt.

Bella paused, and I opened my eyes to see her smiling at me with a wicked, sexy look in her deep brown eyes, dilated with passion, as she raised herself on her elbows. Our glances met and mingled warmly as I looked deeply into her, seeing the true beauty of her soul—the soul I refused to destroy. Bella's soul was one of the loveliest things about her—more beautiful than her chocolate-brown eyes, her stunning face, her warm smile, her tempting body, her bright mind, her wicked sense of humor, her compassion, her selflessness. I swallowed hard as my eyes drank her in, realizing more deeply than ever before how absolutely unforgivable it would be to damn this pure and lovely soul. How could I ever have considered such a heinous act?

"Edward?" Bella's warm hand on the side of my face brought me back from my disturbing thoughts to the present—to her laying atop me, tempting me in so many ways. Her mischievous smile had shifted to an expression of concern.

I fought back the dark thoughts as I attempted to smile, but as her brows furrowed more deeply, I doubted my success. My whole being was flooded with sadness, knowing that there was no way I could condemn Bella to my damned half-existence. We would only be together for fifty, perhaps sixty years during her human life...and that was all. I simply couldn't give her the eternity she begged me for so often; it was the only thing I would ever refuse her. But what would I do when she left this earth for her paradise? How could I survive without her?

I felt a lump form in my throat, and if I were capable of tears, the prickle in the corners of my eyes told me that they would be spilling over right now. How I wished for the relief tears would bring! But even that comfort was denied me in this damned ghost-like existence. Although not being able to cry helped me to hide my sorrow from Bella...

But she knew my face all too well, and her warm fingers stroked along my cheekbones, trying to comfort me. I was incapable of speaking, but Bella seemed to know without my telling her that grief was taking over my heart. She looked at me with so much warmth, so much love, that I couldn't help but to feel uplifted despite my sadness. At least a little.

"Do you need a distraction?" she whispered sexily, the wicked gleam returning as she tilted her head to the side.

I managed what felt like a more realistic smile. "Anytime, love."

She flashed me a grin before lowering her mouth to mine and kissing me passionately. I was so aware of her warmth, her body moving against mine, that I was afraid of losing control in a completely different way. When Bella was this close, it was so difficult for me to concentrate, to think straight, when all I wanted to do was to remove her clothing, piece by piece, and take her right here and now. How many times had I daydreamed of just such a scenario? How many times when I held her sleeping form in my arms during long nights had I envisioned being one with her physically? I may be a vampire, a barely-controlled monster, but I was also a man—a man passionately in love with this beautiful, angelic, tantalizing, eager creature here in my arms.

Bella shifted slightly to the side, sliding off my chest without breaking the kiss. Her fingers trailed down my face, down my neck, then toyed provocatively with the buttons of my polo shirt. My arms cradled her back, and of their own volition, they slid under her tank top, exploring the warm, bare skin of her back as I pulled her to me more tightly. Bella moaned into my mouth, her breath coming even faster, rougher. I felt warm air on my chest and realized that Bella had unbuttoned the last two buttons of my shirt, her fingernails grazing my exposed skin in delicate circles. Groaning deeply, my fingers moved to the lower ties of her bikini top, stopping cold as Bella broke our kiss to follow the line of my jaw with her warm breath, placing open-mouthed kisses down my neck and then on the bared portion of my upper chest while with her right hand she toyed with the exposed hairs above my silent heart.

But her heart...it was flying. Part of me knew that I could not let us continue down this dangerous path. And part of me wanted it...wanted _her_...more than I had ever wanted anything. Every warning I had given Bella...and given myself...about getting too physical faded to unimportance as wave after wave of new emotion and unfamiliar enjoyment washed over and through me, reinforced by the crashing waves of the nearby ocean.

With a quick twisting motion, Bella was beneath me and I buried my lips in her neck, her amazing scent of freesia and lavender enveloping me. I pressed my icy mouth against her fluttering carotid artery, pumping faster than ever as she gasped at our lightning-fast change of position. But strangely, all desire for her blood was completely at bay in this moment of passion—I wanted her body desperately, not her blood.

My lips trailed down her collarbone and then lower, where her tank top, pulled slightly to the side in our embrace, revealed a swell of cleavage. I heard Bella's surprised intake of breath—a gasp really—as my cold mouth left goosebumps along this most delicate, most fragrant skin, soft as a butterfly's wing. Under my lips her heart spluttered, and Bella moaned again, arching her back and grasping fistfuls of my hair.

"Aaaah, Bella," I whispered against her warm, delicate, eager body.

But it was the uneven rhythm of her heart that somehow brought me back to sanity. Was she all right? Her heart doubled some beats, missed others, and its irregularity concerned me. Was this a "normal" human physiological response? Or was something truly wrong with her?

Raising my head, I met her eyes, darkened to nearly black with heavy-lidded desire. Rather than pushing her away, though, as I should have, I buried my lips in hers, parting her lips and exploring her sweet mouth as our kiss deepened.

As her lips moved passionately against mine, my breath rasped as quickly as hers as I struggled for control at the thought—the dream-of possessing Bella completely. Here. Now.

If only I could do so...without killing her.

With the last bit of semi-clear thought I possessed, I gently pushed Bella away, breaking the kiss. Bella's heart pounded against my empty chest, giving the illusion that my heart was capable of beating, of flying, like hers. I rolled us to the side, putting some space between us, and her gasps began to slow. She placed one hand against her heaving chest, blushing shyly as she reached a tentative finger to trace the outline of my lips. "I love you," she breathed, still breathless.

"As I love you," I whispered, watching her beautifully-shaped mouth curve into a gentle smile.

We lay facing each other as the afternoon sunshine waned, both perfectly content to fix our eyes upon what we loved most on the face of this earth. The sea breezes played lightly with our hair as we touched, as we kissed, as we simply drank in the love, the extraordinary love we shared.

It was simply the best day of my life.

Bella's love filled me to overflowing with a deeply-satisfying happiness, a sated joy that needed nothing else to be perfect, not even the continuation of our passionate embraces. I was awash in wonder and awe that I could love anyone as much as I loved this frail, beautiful, stunning human girl; I had no idea that my heart could overflow with this much adoration and love.


	14. Chapter 14: Further Plans

**Chapter Fourteen: Further Plans**

The sun was sinking toward the horizon as Bella and I remained happily intertwined on the beach. The solitude, the absolute, perfect silence, was refreshing to me; I didn't have to block out a single voice. I felt myself relaxing more than I had in months. All my considerable powers of concentration were focused on the lovely girl in my arms...who _wanted_ to be in my arms. The sheer impossibility of such a thing as Bella's love for someone like me...for such a monstrous being...still staggered me.

Letting go of her warm hand, I reached forward to touch her face as we lay facing each other. We had talked in low voices, nearly whispers, off and on for the last hour, but we weren't keeping up a conversation by any means. We just basked in the glow of this love that we both gave and received with a sense of awe. I could see the wonder in her beautiful eyes as she marveled just as I did—awestruck by the power of first love, a love that was so nearly lost a mere two months ago. We both seemed to be exceedingly grateful to simply be together—at least I know I felt the grace of this day, and I saw the same thankfulness mirrored in her eyes as she gazed at me.

But time was passing, and I allowed a reluctant sigh to escape my lips. Bella raised herself on her elbow and, leaning toward me, pressed her warm lips to mine for a moment before she pushed out her bottom lip in a pout. Mesmerized by her beautiful lips that I wanted to kiss again (and forever), I didn't notice the sadness in her expression until she spoke.

"Do we really need to go back?" Bella whispered.

My hand still cupped her delicate cheekbones, and my breathing roughened as a beautiful blush stained her pale skin under my hand.

"Yes, my love. Unfortunately, we do." I paused, taking in a deep breath as I leaned toward her, bridging the short distance between us again. "In a moment..." My voice trailed off as I kissed her again. I could never get enough of this feeling, this gentle euphoria, that filled me, making me feel young and buoyant...and not more than a century old.

Bella scooted closer to me and, lowering her head to the coverlet, wrapped both arms around my neck. She deepened the kiss, parting her lips and allowing my gentle invasion. It was a kiss of passion yet remained very sweet. I felt as though I was kissing an angel, not a flesh-and-blood young woman. My arms encircled her, softly holding her against my chest, but her heart rate, usually rocketing to new heights every time I touched her, kept close to its usual pace. We seemed to both feel the purity of the moment, the sacredness of this love of ours.

I raised my head and gazed lovingly at her, then my brows rushed together in concern as I noticed the tears gathering in her clear brown eyes.

"Bella? What is it, my love?" I spoke low, trying not to allow worry to overwhelm me as I brushed the tears away with the tips of my cold fingers, but the moisture in her eyes spilled over onto her perfect face.

Bella smiled through her tears, and her warm palms grasped my face between them. "I...I'm...just..."

"Just what, sweetheart?"

"Just..." her voice faded, and I read her lips as she voicelessly mouthed, "Just...so happy, Edward. I love you so much that I just can't hold it in..."

I touched my forehead to hers. "I understand, love," I breathed. "Truly, I do." I felt the corner of my eyes prickle; if I had been capable of tears, my eyes would be overflowing as well. Would I ever be able to speak those words to my love: "I do"? Would I be able to marry her one day, be part of her life? Be part of her life until... I crushed the negative thought of her leaving this life before she see the expression of agony that I'm sure crossed my features.

Instead, I gathered her to my chest, tucking her head under my chin as we allowed this sweet emotion of our love to course through us both, rocking our souls...or rocking hers, at least. I almost felt like I still possessed a soul at this moment. Bella's love was so inexpressibly precious.

The sun sank lower, and I sighed again. "But yes, sweetheart, we do need to get going." With great reluctance, I sat up, and Bella followed suit, a frown creasing her forehead. "Why?" she grumbled.

I leaned toward her, pressing a kiss to the lines of worry between her arched brows. "Because," I whispered seductively into her fragrant hair, "this day is far from over..."

Bella leaned back in surprise. "You don't have _more_ planned, Edward?" I couldn't help smiling at her utterly shocked expression.

"But of course, my love," I grinned widely at her. "We have the entire evening ahead of us."

I stood up and started gathering together our things while Bella, after sending me a puzzled and somewhat exasperated look that only widened my grin, started blowing out the votive candles surrounding us. It was the work of only moments before I was folding the coverlet and escorting Bella to the rowboat, and then mere moments more before I was escorting her aboard the yacht. After taking the things down below, I brought up a light jacket to protect Bella from the cool late afternoon breezes before securing the dinghy to the aft of the sailboat. I then moved to the boom over the aft deck to prepare the sails.

A quiet buzz disturbed my pocket, and I pulled out my phone to find a text from Alice:

_Everything's set at the marina and the hotel. Don't bother sailing back; the wind will die down completely in ten minutes and you won't make your dinner reservations._

I nodded to myself and stepped away from the sails I had just started to unfurl. I _had _planned to sail at least partway back to the marina in the glow of the late afternoon sunshine, but Alice's perfectly-timed text prevented me from wasting valuable time. I was a little disappointed as I thought Bella would enjoy sailing back to the marina, but we were going to be forced to use the motor the entire way. Sailing was so much quieter without the roar of the engine, and the way a yacht listed under the power of the wind was the stuff of romance...in my opinion at least. Perhaps a hard keeling would frighten my little landlubber anyway...I smiled as I looked at her.

Bella was stunning in the late afternoon sun, the rose color of the approaching sunset turning her skin the most beautiful color. She was seated next to me, her eyes closed as we motored south along the pine-swept coastline, the wind pulling her abundant hair away from her face. Her nose was a little more freckled now than it had been before we had enjoyed our day in the sunshine, but she didn't seem to have been sunburned. I was going to have to thank Alice for suggesting a high SPF sunscreen to Bella as she dressed this morning. Sunscreen was something I definitely would have forgotten, despite my careful planning of this special day...and evening. A painful sunburn would definitely have ruined my evening plans.

Far too soon we motored into the marina and I guided the yacht into the slip without incident. Bella sat on the teak seat as I shut everything down and gathered our things from below. After all was stowed, I locked the cabin door and then shouldered my bundles before handing Bella carefully onto the wooden dock, holding onto her arm while she attempted to regain her usually precarious balance.

She laughed a little ruefully at her deplorable balance as she tried to adjust to the feeling of being on land once again. "I've heard of 'sea legs,' but I've never experienced them before."

Concerned as always, I kept one arm around her waist after shifting all that I was carrying to my right shoulder and hip as I escorted her along the dock and up the plank to the valet area in front of the marina. The Vanquish was waiting for us, per Alice's long-distance orders, and I quickly opened the trunk and stowed our bundles from the day before assisting Bella into the passenger seat of the Vanquish. I quickly joined her and turned the car toward downtown Seattle.

Bella raised an eyebrow. "Where are we going now, Edward?"

Turning my head in her direction, I smirked. "It's a surprise."

She sighed, looking forward to avoid meeting my gaze. "I don't 'do' surprises well," she muttered.

It was my turn to sigh. "Bella, have you enjoyed this day thus far?"

Bella paused, obviously trying to think of something to object to, merely for the sake of not losing the argument. Finally, still not meeting my eyes, she hissed, "Yes."

My mischievous smile returned. "So what _exactly_ are you worried about?"

Bella folded her lips and turned to look out the side window. My grin widened. _Aaaaah, my beautiful,_ _stubborn girl._

My foot pressed the accelerator and in just a few moments we were pulling up to the beautiful Fairmont Olympic Hotel in downtown Seattle.


	15. Chapter 15: Anger Management

**Chapter Fifteen: Anger Management**

Bella swirled in her seat to face me as I pulled the Vanquish into the valet parking in front of the gorgeous Italian Renaissance-inspired hotel. "_HERE_?" she nearly screeched.

I sighed again, my smile gone. "Bella, it's merely a hotel."

"A five-star hotel" Bella huffed, throwing her hands into the air petulantly.

I turned to face her as a valet approached the Vanquish. "How do you know that this is a five-star hotel?" I wasn't sure how she had obtained this information, considering that five-star hotels were apparently far outside of her experience.

Bella seemed speechless, her mouth hanging open in utter shock and..._anger_? How could she possibly be _angry_? At _me_?

And suddenly I couldn't help feeling angry, too. I had planned this day and this evening, so carefully, so lovingly, thinking only of what would please Bella, what would enhance our love for one another. I merely wished to give her the kind of romantic day that any girl in love would dream of! Frustration and, yes, anger—more than a little anger—filled me. I gritted my teeth together, my jaw frozen with fury, and the monster within me glared balefully into her surprised brown eyes, my anger burning deep into the depths of her beautiful soul. A growl rose unbidden from my chest and rumbled out of my lips before I could stop it.

I turned straight ahead to glare out the front windshield, refusing to look at her as I struggled for control. I didn't want Bella to see me fighting the monster within as I tried to control myself—tried _not_ to hurt her. I didn't want the emotions coursing through me to ruin our evening. Our _special_ evening.

But was it too late?

I fixed my eyes forward, gritting my teeth, frozen in place as anger washed through me. I held my breath as I fought to control my emotions, my thoughts, my actions.

Every part of me was begging to lash out—to rip, to tear, to destroy something, anything—I had to release this powerful, pent-up anger somehow, someway.

"Edward?"

Bella's voice reached me as if from a great distance, and somehow through the waves of anger crashing through me, I realized that her voice was _not _angry. No, it was timid.

Scared.

Had I ruined our evening with my uncontrolled vampiric emotions? How badly had I frightened this delicate girl who sat so trustingly beside a monster? I broke out of my statue-like stillness, my hand ghosting of its own volition to pinch the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger, at last sucking in a deep, calming breath.

The valet, who had started to approach the Vanquish, was too well-trained to miss that something was quite wrong between the car's occupants and wisely returned to the valet stand to wait for my signal. However, his well-hidden curiosity was going to remain unsatisfied for a few more minutes...until I regained control of my roiling emotions—first anger, and now..._guilt_.

Guilt at scaring this trusting, beautiful girl whom I loved with every fiber of my eternal being. How could she love such an uncontrollable monster? I drew a wavering breath, deeply ashamed at my behavior.

"Edward?" Bella spoke again, and her voice was barely a whisper. My name, scarcely audible even with my excellent hearing, reproached me further. She was probably frightened half to death of me. I knew that I had to reassure her, had to somehow salvage these last few moments when my anger had almost lashed out at her with potentially disastrous results.

But part of me was almost glad that she finally realized the dangerous situation she was in at this moment. She treated me far too much like a normal human boyfriend, so often forgetting what I was: a monster. And worse than that: a monster who thirsted for her blood. And, I admitted to myself only: also a monster who wanted to possess her body.

Bella shouldn't be with me. It was wrong..._so wrong_...for her. So dangerous. She constantly refused to acknowledge how volatile vampires were—and that I truly was dangerous—too dangerous for her to be with. It would be all too easy for me to lose my temper and injure her, perhaps fatally. Over nothing.

Or perhaps her refusal to treat me differently from her human friends was because I made keeping myself under control look all too easy. Of course. Of course...

_This was my fault._ First, it was my fault for almost losing my temper and scaring her tonight. And second, it was my fault for not leaving her when I could have..._when I should have._ Bella shouldn't be in this small, enclosed space with a vampire within arm's reach in the first place. I shouldn't have let our relationship continue on for this long...

_But I love her._ _Bella is my life._

This poor reason burned in my perfectly-still heart...my stone heart that Bella had miraculously resurrected through her own unselfish love for me. Yes, her human love was but a shadow of the eternal love of which I was capable. I loved her far more than she, in her finite, weak humanity, could ever love me. For her sake, I should have left Forks months ago.

If I had done the right thing just weeks after I had saved her life from the careening van in the Forks High parking lot and left this small, wet town at that time, I could have saved Bella all the pain of her meeting with James. She would not have been in the baseball clearing with me and my family; thus, he wouldn't have seen her in the first place. And she wouldn't have spent hours in emotional pain thinking that James had kidnapped her mother. Or days in physical agony in a hospital bed, broken and bleeding. Or weeks in a cast recovering from his attempt to kill her, to change her into a monster like himself...into a monster like me.

She had come too damn close to becoming a monster like me.

I squeezed my eyes closed, trying to stop the prickling sensation in the corners of my eyes where my thumb and forefinger pressed in on either side of my nose...where tears would be forming if I were human.

_If I were human..._

If only I were human, I could love Bella safely...love her without breaking her. Without breaking her heart, her body, or her soul.

Bella's warm hand brushed my still forearm tentatively. All of these thoughts had passed through my mind in mere seconds, and then her warm touch, as always, somehow melted my frozen form. Slowly I lowered my arm to my side and, preparing myself to see her fear, her revulsion, I turned to face her.

Bella's expression was heartbroken. Her eyes were brimming with tears and she kept her warm hand on my arm. Why was she still touching me? Wasn't she terrified? Why would she touch a monster, a demon, like myself when I had been so angry, so nearly out of control a few moments before?

"Sssssshhhhh, Edward," she whispered, her voice breaking on the last syllable of my name. She rubbed her hand up and down my forearm, as if she were comforting me.

_Comforting me?_

"I'm so sorry, Edward," Bella continued in a whisper. "You have done so much for me, not only today but every day, and I'm sorry that I reacted so strongly." Her brown eyes beseeched me, begged me. "Please, Edward. Please forgive me."

Forgive _her_? What had Bella done wrong?

My hand went to her chin, lifting it so that I could gaze more deeply into her eyes. And there was no fear in her expression—not the tiniest hint of it. My face moved toward her without my conscious control, and as my hand dropped from her face, my lips met hers in thanksgiving.

Bella did not fear me. Although she should. But she didn't. My anger, my guilt, my surprise, my gratefulness, and now my sheer joy rocked me. So many emotions in so little time.

Bella did this to me. She loved me. And her love somehow tamed the monster within me. My lips possessed hers thankfully, joyfully. And she returned the kiss with her own joy. Only our lips touched, consuming the others' as our spirits soared together.

Bella finally broke the kiss, gasping in the air that she needed. Her eyes shone with unshed tears, and my both of my hands moved to cup her beautiful face between my palms. Tipping my head forward, my forehead touched hers as I breathed in the floral scent that was all Bella, ignoring the burn deep in my throat more easily than ever before.

"I think that's a 'yes'," breathed Bella.

Our eyes were so close with our foreheads touching that our eyelashes almost brushed each others'.

I leaned forward slightly to press one last kiss to her sweet lips before whispering back to her, "There is nothing to forgive, Bella. It's all my fault."

Bella moved back into her seat, her eyebrows rushing together in a frown as she prepared to argue. My finger touched her lips, shushing her before she could start.

"No, Bella. Truly." There were so many better things to do with those beautiful lips than argue...and I took advantage of her speechlessness to kiss her once again.

When I sensed that she needed more air, I leaned back into my seat, not breaking our gaze.

"I believe you now," she said softly, her hand touching her kiss-swollen lips in wonder.

What had I ever done to deserve such an angel? I refused to let myself dwell on what I should have done, what I still should do. Instead, I chose to bask in my Bella's love.

"Good." I smiled, then turned to open the door of the car.


	16. Chapter 16: In the Suite

**Chapter Sixteen: In the Suite **

The valet was at my elbow as soon as I exited the Vanquish. He was too professional to comment on the car, but the muted glow in his eyes relayed his admiration for my rare British sports car, gaining me the respect that my teenage appearance seldom earned among human men.

I tossed him the keys and while he moved to open the trunk, I whisked around the front of the car to open Bella's door, offering her my hand as she attempted to raise herself from the low-slung vehicle. She smiled as she took my hand and clambered to her feet awkwardly after so long a time in the sports car. Her eyes met mine again, her trusting expression warming my silent chest almost as if I still possessed a beating heart. What this lovely girl could do to me thrilled me to no end.

The valet was waiting at the rear of the car for us, and I indicated which of the trunk's contents we would require. Bella gasped when she noticed the overnight bags, glancing at me in shock but refraining from saying anything in front of the valet. Her eyes widened further when she saw the long garment bags and the shoe boxes with designer names.

"What are these?" she asked fearfully.

I ignored Bella's apparent terror and nodded to the valet who gathered our things and escorted us into the Fairmont Olympic Hotel.

We entered the spacious lobby, and I heard Bella's gasp of utter shock at the luxurious Italian Renaissance décor of the hotel. Even I was impressed, I had to admit. I felt her fingers close reflexively around my arm as I escorted her to the magnificent desk area, quietly giving my name and handing them my credit card, the shiny black one that instantly gained me deference wherever and whenever I used it. We definitely didn't seem like wayward teens to the hotel staff once they saw that card.

Bella gripped my arm much more tightly than necessary, saying nothing and, as I sneaked a sidelong glance at her, she somehow managed to keep her mouth from hanging agape at the hotel's luxurious décor. I smiled warmly at her, and she caught my eye before looking down quickly, blushing slightly.

Then Bella seemed to notice for the first time what she was wearing: shorts and a tank top over a bikini, and her embarrassment deepened at wearing such casual apparel into this place, the most elegant hotel in Seattle. Blushing pinker, Bella refused to look the clerk in the eye while I made quiet arrangements to check into our reserved suite. I knew that she was ashamed of the clothing she was wearing...but that's why Alice had packed other clothing for us.

Leaning toward her, I whispered warmly in Bella's ear, "I thought we'd like to change before dinner."

Bella refused to look up; her face and upper chest turned a deep rose color with yet another blush, but she nodded quickly in agreement.

I sighed in relief. I wasn't sure how she would handle checking into a room with me, even if it was only to ready ourselves for the evening. Well, at least for that reason, anyway...anything more was up to Bella herself.

The clerk quietly affirmed our reservation for the Cascade Suite, the premier suite in the hotel. Bella kept gazing at her sandals, cheeks still pink, while I took one card key, leaving the second card key at the desk with directions for its use by another. As I finished making the arrangements, I was grateful that Bella had missed his comment about our suite and my instructions regarding the second key. I couldn't help rolling my eyes when I considered her probable reaction to a penthouse suite with a dining room that seated twelve...and to our expected guest.

In a few moments we were following our valet to the elegant elevators which carried us swiftly and silently to the top floor of the beautiful and historic hotel. As the elevator smoothly took us to the penthouse suite, I slipped the valet our card key. As the elevator doors slid noiselessly open, we followed the valet to a suite with double doors. Bella glanced at me in surprise when we stopped behind the valet as he slid our card key through the lock, then opened the door, holding it for us to enter. Still clinging to my arm, Bella walked beside me into the well-lit living room.

The sun had set while we drove, and the sparkling lights of downtown Seattle shone through the sheer curtains of the living room. Comfortable sofas and armchairs were gathered around a lovely stone fireplace with decorative pillar candles lit for our arrival, per my instructions. American antiques dotted the table tops and mantelpiece of the formal yet cozy room, and an oak armoire disguised a wide-screen television.

"Would you like your bags in the master suite, sir?" inquired the valet, and seeing my nod, he proceeded to place our belongings on the cream upholstered bench at the end of a rose-and-cream-striped king bed with a canopied cover. Bella let my arm loose and wandered, open-mouthed, through the suite, exploring the formal dining room, the baby grand piano in the corner of the living room near the fireplace, and, finally, the master bedroom. As the valet left the bedroom, I passed him a generous tip, and he quietly thanked me, wishing us a pleasant evening.

Bella wandered back into the living room to where I stood watching her. "Are we staying here tonight?" she whispered.

"Only if you would like to," I whispered back.

She frowned, her eyebrows coming together. "What about Charlie? Won't he be expecting me home tonight?"

I stepped closer to Bella, placing my hands on her waist. "Esme called him and asked if you could stay over with Alice and Rosalie tonight, for a sleepover. Alice texted me that he's fine with it; there's a Mariners' game on tonight that he doesn't want to miss; he doesn't mind a bit." I felt Bella's body relax, her tension releasing.

"Your clothes are in the other room," I said, taking her hand and leading her to the garment bags laid across the end of the canopied bed. Reaching down, I grasped the hanger of one and handed it to her. Bella looked at me in complete bemusement, as if the garment bag held a snake...perhaps even a venomous one.

A quiet knock on the door of the suite was followed by a card key being swiped and the door opening. In a flash of movement, Alice appeared in the doorway of the master bedroom, looking askance at Bella.

"Oh, hell, Edward!" Alice exclaimed. "I told you not to let her stay in the sun too long this afternoon! She's sunburned!" She shook her head in horror before glaring at me, one eyebrow raised disdainfully. "And don't give me that innocent look—I saw what you two were doing in the sun all afternoon, too."

Bella, who had paled with Alice's sudden appearance, now turned bright pink with a blush of embarrassment.

Alice bounded forward, grabbing Bella's hand and scooping up the bags she had carried with her. "I certainly have my work cut out for me tonight," she grumbled dramatically, dragging Bella toward the master bathroom. Pushing Bella inside, she spun to glare at me. "YOU get to shower in the guest bathroom. And don't forget your new clothes!" She waved a tiny hand carelessly toward the remaining garment bag before turning back to Bella, relieving her of the garment bag she still held in her shock. I smiled; Alice was rather like a tornado at times.

Just before she slammed the bathroom door in my face, Alice poked her head out. "Go!" she ordered, pointing a small finger toward the guest rooms on the opposite side of the suite.

Somehow, within the twenty minutes that I took to shower and dress in the navy blue Armani suit Alice had purchased just for this occasion, Alice had made excellent progress with Bella. She had to be working at vampire speed after Bella's quick shower. Not wishing to intrude on Bella's privacy, I politely shut out Alice's thoughts as she did Bella's hair, makeup, and helped her to dress. As I fastened the diamond cufflinks that used to be my father's to my wrists, I heard Alice heartlessly ordering Bella about. "Now we can do this my way or we can do this MY way, Bella. But, either way, I'm doing your makeup for you and curling your hair. No arguing! I haven't been helping Edward plan this night for weeks and then not have you looking absolutely gorgeous for him!"

I chuckled to myself. Poor Bella had no choice in the matter. I only hoped that she would be in a decent mood tonight after Alice's frantic ministrations.

I paced back and forth across the living room, worrying about Bella's mood for another fifteen minutes before Alice emerged from the master bedroom. She seemed to be both ecstatic and chagrined by her night's work.

"Well, I did what I could with her without making you late for your dinner reservation," Alice grumbled, but her satisfaction couldn't be contained as she unapologetically shut me out of her mind by declaiming a speech by Marcus Aurelius in the original Latin.

I could hear Bella's groan from the bathroom. "You've GOT to be kidding, Alice! How the hell am I going to walk in these things? I just got OUT of a full leg cast this morning, you know."

Alice grinned at me. "You owe me, brother dear," she trilled sweetly before calling over her shoulder, "Okay, Bella! Showtime!"

Bella stalked out of the master bathroom, through the bedroom and into the living room in delicate silver stilettos that caused her to wobble slightly. Her form was wrapped in a beautiful midnight-blue silk chiffon dress that flowed beautifully to just below her knees, showing off her shapely calves. The dress had a slightly asymmetrical v-neck and was sleeveless with a banded waist. Her hair was curled gently toward her face in a style reminiscent of the 1940s, pinned back from her heart-shaped forehead with silvery, diamond-tipped clips (Alice must have convinced her that they were rhinestones or else Bella would never have worn them), and her face was made up just enough to emphasize her incredible natural beauty.

It was my turn for an agape jaw. Bella was so beautiful—in fact, "beautiful" wasn't a strong enough word to describe the vision that Bella was tonight. I was rendered absolutely and completely speechless—a true rarity.

Alice laughed merrily as she danced toward me, and with her outstretched index finger, she pushed my slack jaw upward, closing my mouth for me. "You're welcome," she teased, very pleased with my response.

But Alice was on the periphery of my vision. I could only see the stunningly lovely human who stood shyly before me, blushing madly with a mixture of embarrassment and pleasure at my stunned expression. I stepped forward, gently placing my forearms under hers and hungrily absorbing every detail of my Bella.

Still speechless, I knew that my eyes burned with the depth of my regard, for when Bella shyly met my gaze, she inhaled sharply and grasped my arms tightly, swaying slightly in my loose embrace.

"Bella," I whispered, still totally stunned by the lovely young woman before me. I swallowed convulsively, and then continued to whisper, "Bella, you are so beautiful. There aren't words." I swallowed again. "No, there simply are not words."

Bella looked into my eyes again, and this time her eyes were stunned...by ME. I knew that the suit Alice had chosen to match Bella's dress became me well, but I also knew that I was nothing, absolutely nothing, compared with this shy and awkward human who glowed with beauty and a strange, otherworldly grace in the way she held her head, the way she moved her arms. Bella could be awkward at times, but at other times she seemed as if she were already immortal—her unconscious grace shone through the human stumbling.

I vaguely heard Alice babbling something about pulling strings with Oscar de la Renta's people to do Bella's dress in midnight blue rather than the standard black, but I paid her little attention. My usually distractable vampire mind was honed on one thing and one thing only: Bella.

Finally able to move but refusing to tear my gaze from hers, I offered Bella my arm in a gesture from my human boyhood. As Bella took my elbow in her warm grasp, Alice quickly slipped a small silver evening bag under Bella's other arm. Slowly I turned Bella toward the door of the suite and guided her down the short hallway toward the elevators.

"You're welcome!" Alice called again as the elevator doors closed behind us.


	17. Chapter 17: Some Enchanted Evening

**Chapter Seventeen: Some Enchanted Evening **

Arm in arm, Bella and I followed the _maitre d' _as he escorted us across the beautiful formal dining area of The Georgian restaurant within the Fairmont Olympic Hotel. Although I had visited the hotel a few times since its inception in 1924, The Georgian, which specializes in French-inspired Northwest cuisine, was only twenty years old, and I, of course, had no cause to enter it in the past. Crisp white linen tablecloths covered the intimate round tables scattered among stately green palm trees in bronzed urns, all underneath brilliant crystal chandeliers. I felt rather than saw Bella's awe at the lovely yet formal surroundings. The _maitre d'_ paused at two double French doors, waiting for us to reach him before he opened the doors with a subdued flourish. Standing in the doorway, he indicated that we were to enter the private dining room.

"Enjoy your meal in The Petite," he murmured, closing the doors behind him.

Bella looked at me, surprise coloring her cheeks. "We're eating _here_, Edward?" she squeaked.

I smiled down at her indulgently. "No, love. _You_ are eating here. I would rather avoid the stares of the other diners for not eating because if I did eat for appearance's sake, then I would not enjoy the evening ahead of us nearly as much. So it made sense to eat here, out of the sight of prying eyes."

Bella nodded, appeased. Alice had informed me that if Bella thought that utilizing this lovely private room was for my comfort, she would not object. And, as usual, Alice was completely correct.

"And," I pulled Bella nearer to me, "we'll have more privacy so that I can do _this_..." I bent down to capture her lips against mine. She twisted in my arms so that our chests touched, and I groaned quietly as her warm skin, bared by her low-cut decolletage, crushed against the thin cloth of my dress shirt. Her arms reached up, behind my neck, brushing lightly through the hair at the nape of my neck. Her breath came quickly, as did mine, even though I didn't need the air.

Reluctantly, I pulled away, smiling slightly at Bella's adorable pout, and continued my sentence, "...without calling undue attention to ourselves."

I escorted her to the head of the large table which comfortably seated twelve, and pulled out her chair for her. After seating Bella, I moved to the French door and opened it slightly, a subtle signal to our waiter. I seated myself at Bella's left, reaching out my right hand to take hers. We smiled warmly into each others' eyes, lost for another indefinable moment in the love we shared, the bond that would last for eternity...somehow.

The thought of eternity washed a wave of sadness through me, and Bella gently squeezed my hand in sympathy as the expression crossed my face. Would I have an eternity with my Bella? Or would we only have the extent of her human life for, what—fifty or sixty years? Her human life would pass in a blink of an eye, from my immortal point-of-view. But I would not, could not, condemn Bella to my soulless existence. But what if Bella did not have those fifty or sixty years? She was a magnet for danger; in fact, her "number was up" from the first day we had met. I felt as though I had been fighting Fate since that day to keep Bella alive, to protect her. Was immortality the only way?

No, it couldn't be.

I wouldn't let it be.

The situation seemed impossible.

I was suddenly conscious of Bella's concerned face leaning toward me. "Edward?" she questioned softly.

I forced myself to meet her gaze and smile, but I was also certain that my smile didn't reach my eyes.

"Let's not think about the future, the past, or anything but tonight. Anything but us tonight," she whispered. "Will you do that, please? For me?"

I was disarmed by her earnest gaze, by the love that filled her expression. I felt my chest swell with love for her—for this amazing, beautiful, wonderful creature whose adoring eyes were fixed on mine. I sighed, then nodded.

"Promise?" she asked, not breaking our gaze.

"I promise."

The heart-breakingly beautiful smile that broke across her lovely face stunned me. I couldn't breathe. And she accused _me_ of dazzling people!

I raised our entwined hands to my lips, pressing my lips into the back of her warm hand, still not breaking our gaze.

A polite throat-clearing alerted us to the presence of another person, and Bella and I turned to see an older gentleman with several sheets of calligraphy-covered parchment in hand. Once he had our attention he approached, laying the handwritten menus before us along with a wine list. In a quiet voice he informed us of a few off-menu items, then asked for our drink preferences.

Picking up the wine list, I glanced quickly, looking for a certain vintage. "We'll have a bottle of the Ariel Brut Cuvee, please." I turned to Bella. "Would you like anything else to drink, love?"

Bella blushed at the endearment, but asked for a glass of water. "Two waters, please," I added, handing the waiter the wine list.

He nodded, then slipped out of the room, closing the doors behind him.

"Wine?" Bella asked in a low voice. "I'm only eighteen, Edward."

"It's non-alcoholic champagne, Bella. I thought you might like to try it. I read that it possesses the aroma of lilac and lavender, with an oak bouquet."

She wrinkled her nose. "Whatever that means," she said grumpily.

I smiled. "It's actually not expensive at all, and I thought it would suit the occasion. Just try it and see what you think."

Bella nodded reluctantly.

The doors opened, and the waiter slipped in with a tray of our water goblets in one hand and a silver ice bucket containing the champagne in the other. After opening the sparkling wine and pouring it into delicate champagne flutes, he inquired after our meal choices. Bella looked a little panicked, not being used to formal dining. I leaned over to her.

"Would you like me to order for you?" I whispered in her ear.

She nodded, looking a little relieved. I glanced over the menu once before ordering in a low voice.

"We'll start with the Dungeness Crab Bisque for her, and then the Seared Scallops. And the Banana Foster Crème Brulee for dessert." I paused. "And nothing for me." I handed him the parchment menus with a dismissive glance, and he turned to leave us without question.

I turned to Bella, noticing her quizzical gaze. I raised an eyebrow, silently in a questioning manner, and she shook her head ruefully before asking, "Do people always do whatever you want?"

I grinned. "Generally. I can think of only _one_ exception."

She smiled dazzlingly, then raised her champagne flute. I lifted mine as well, although I would not drink from it.

"To us," I whispered.

"To forever," she whispered back, gently touching her wine glass to mine. The gentle tinkle of crystal on crystal seemed to reverberate through the room like a chiming bell.

After she finished dinner, Bella and I rose to our feet, leaving the beautiful Petite Room in the Georgian. In the far corner of the large restaurant, the lovely Palladian windows reflected the dance floor and a band quietly playing live jazz. As I guided Bella toward the dance floor, I heard her suck in her breath with a very audible gasp. She stopped in her tracks, her hand gripping my forearm in panic.

"Are you crazy?" she hissed in a stage whisper. "I can't dance, Edward! You know I can't!"

I grinned, expecting her reaction. "Bella, love, I thought you might enjoy slow dancing with me." I peered into her eyes, and I knew my eyes were sparkling mischievously. "I would love to hold you in my arms and dance to this excellent band. Would you please do me the honor of a turn on the dance floor, Miss Swan?"

I took her hand from my arm and raised it to my lips in an exaggerated gesture that elicited the reaction I had hoped for: Bella looked into my eyes with surprise, then laughed softly. She dipped her head in a teasing curtsey. "I would be delighted, Mr. Cullen," she replied demurely.

I tucked her arm into mine and led her onto the dance floor, dotted with only half a dozen other couples. As the haunting notes of a saxophone wafted across the restaurant, I gathered Bella into my arms and slowly led her into a gentle waltz. Abandoning the traditional waltz frame, Bella wrapped her arms around my neck, dancing in a more modern style, moving against me in much closer proximity than I was accustomed, not that I minded. I readjusted my arms quickly, placing my hands on her swaying hips. This mode of dancing was slightly unfamiliar to me, but I had to admit I liked it, mostly because Bella's chest was crushed against mine, her warmth infusing my chest once again.

Wrapped in one anothers' arms, we swayed to the delightful music, my gaze drowning in hers. I knew that I had to be smiling the goofiest grin, and she returned my joyous smile. I was assailed by a sudden and very strong wish to somehow freeze this moment: Bella safe in my arms, moving against me to the seductive jazz music, her thighs brushing my legs, her face tilted up toward mine. My eyes focused suddenly on her lips, and without thinking, I closed my eyes and buried my mouth into hers, her sweet, warm breath mingling with mine. Bella stopped dancing, and, pulling herself closer to me, returned my kiss with scalding passion. It didn't matter that we were surrounded by other people on a public dance floor in an historic five-star hotel: Bella and I were in our own world, seeing and feeling and tasting nothing but one another.

As the notes of the song faded, I raised my head from hers, opening my eyes at long last. Almost through a haze, I saw Bella's face, her eyes still closed as she leaned into me. Gradually I became aware that the band had stopped playing and that the other dancers were leaving the dance floor. As I gazed upon Bella's lovely face, her eyes opened ever so slowly, and the expression of searing passion in them caused me to gasp. How I wanted to whisk her off this dance floor and up to our room where we could finish what had started rather innocently with a simple dance.

But nothing was simple with Bella and me.

I sighed in frustration, and Bella's expression morphed from single-minded passion to awareness, and then she blushed in embarrassment as she realized that we were the only ones still on the dance floor. Reluctantly I released her from our embrace, keeping one hand on the small of her back as I escorted her from the dance floor.


	18. Chapter 18: It's Complicated

**Chapter Eighteen: It's Complicated **

The elevator doors slid open, and my hand was again at the small of Bella's back as I guided her to the door of our suite. I brushed the card key through the reader, and the door clicked open. Pushing the handle down, I opened the door, stepping aside to allow her to enter the dimly-lit living area before me.

Alice was gone, and the room was silent. The only sounds my powerful hearing picked up was the soft hissing of the five pillar candles still burning inside the stone fireplace. I felt myself relaxing, despite the immense number of people within my hearing. Somehow being with Bella allowed me all too easily to block out the hundreds, no _thousands_, of minds that were within my normal range—the minds that gave me little peace.

No, my every sense was fixed upon Bella: the center of my existence. And I felt a strange peace stealing over me...peace and something else. Something more pressing—something that would have made my silent heart beat rapidly if it were possible...

She turned toward me, looking at me over her shoulder, and smiled nervously. And I sighed, both with anticipation and with trepidation.

Was our evening over? Or had it just begun?

I walked to the cream sofa directly in front of the fireplace, seating myself and beckoning for her to join me. She moved toward me with alacrity, stumbling a little as the stilettos afforded her little help in the balance department. I laughed softly, my eyes warm, as she groaned in frustration.

"What was Alice thinking?" Bella muttered under her breath as she grasped the arm of the sofa with one hand and hooked her thumb behind the heel straps to remove first one, then the other, silver stiletto before seating herself next to me. She tucked her bare feet under her voluminous midnight-blue skirt, and curled herself into my shoulder.

I hated to speak at this moment, to ruin the peace and contentment that suffused me in this moment. But I needed to know the next step...if there was going to even _be_ a next step...

Turning to face her, I leaned my elbow against the high back of the sofa, supporting the side of my head in my palm. "Did you enjoy this evening, love?" I asked, my voice huskier than I was expecting. 

Bella nodded, her position mirroring mine with her head resting in her hand, her elbow on the sofa back, facing me. She raised her hand, tracing my cheekbones, my nose, my lips with with her warm index finger. "Yes, very much," she breathed.

I gazed into her beautiful eyes, seeing in them all I would ever want. All I would ever need.

Bella blushed under my intensity but did not break our gaze. I was sure that all the love I felt for her was reflected in my eyes, just as I saw her love for me in her beautiful, warm brown eyes.

Her gentle finger moved from my lips, along my jaw, around my ear, down the side of my neck to my collar. She slipped her finger under the edge of the tie I had loosened slightly in the elevator; our gaze didn't break as she drew me toward her until our lips tentatively touched.

My hands were at Bella's waist in an instant, and I pulled her toward me, our lips whispering as we brushed against one another, lips barely touching. She surprised me by straddling my lap, one leg on either side of my body. Leaning over me, she wrapped both arms tightly around my neck, deepening our gentle kiss into a passionate one.

My fingers gripped the tops of her hips as Bella nudged her tongue insistently against my closed mouth. I allowed her to part my lips, groaning as her warmth engulfed me. Her breathing was loud and fast as she thrust her tongue under mine, and one of my hands went to her neck and then downward, tugging her gown off her shoulder.

I broke the kiss, allowing Bella to gulp in the air she desperately needed while my mouth followed the path of my hand, moving along the side of her neck and then across her bared shoulder. Bella moaned, her forehead resting on my opposite shoulder as she pulled herself closer to me. My hand traveled back to the side of her throat, feeling her carotid artery fluttering beneath my touch. I caressed the back of her graceful neck, pushing aside her cloud of strawberry-scented dark curls and nuzzling my nose along her lovely throat, inhaling her sweet, freesia-and-lavender scent. I pulled Bella even closer to me—I just couldn't get close enough to this bewitchingly beautiful woman tonight. My self-control had evaporated the moment she straddled my body.

Bella raised herself from our embrace, smiling down at me shyly, her chest rising and falling rapidly with her quickened breaths. She leaned forward, her lips enveloping mine as our open mouths met with passion once again.

I felt her hands slide down my neck to my collar, then tugging at my tie, loosening it further and then slipping it off. My hands gripped her hips again, straining her body toward me, into me. I felt soft air on my chest and realized that Bella was unbuttoning my dress shirt, her delicate fingers fumbling with the small buttons.

And I froze.

We couldn't do this.

_**I**_ couldn't do this. Not without killing her.

What was I thinking?

I _**wasn't**_ thinking—that much was more than obvious.

Bella raised her head, her eyes confused. "What did I do, Edward?" she asked.

I closed my eyes and sighed deeply. Bella always took the blame upon herself. For everything. She often accused me of the same proclivity, but the difference was that I truly _**was**_ at fault. And she wasn't.

Not this time.

No, this one was all me. All me and my lack of control.

And this time, it wasn't about the bloodlust; it wasn't about my vampiric nature. No, this time it was all about my physical need for Bella. My plain, unadulterated _lust _for her.

If I wanted...no, if I _needed_ Bella in my life so desperately, then I was going to have to be responsible. Much more responsible.

"Edward?" Bella asked, her voice rising in panic.

I sighed again and opened my eyes. Yes, Bella was frightened.

"I can't..." I moaned in a whisper.

"You won't hurt me, Edward. I trust you." And, yes, trust shone in her chocolate-brown eyes, from the very depths of her soul. She trusted me.

And I was utterly untrustworthy. In more ways than one.

I groaned, closing my eyes again, like the coward I was, leaning my head back into the sofa as I tried to ignore her soft, warm body straddling mine.

I wanted her. So very badly. But I couldn't.

And I wouldn't.

"Bella, no, love. I can't. And you can't."

She sat up straighter in my lap. "I can't what?" she asked pointedly.

I refused to look at her. I couldn't stand seeing her hurt, her disappointment.

My voice was barely audible to her human ears. "You can't trust me."

"But I do trust you, Edward. With my life. With my soul. With all of me." Bella's voice was stubborn, steely, yet filled with love and misplaced trust as she stated slowly and emphatically, "I. Do. Trust. You."

"You shouldn't."

"But I do," she declared insistently.

Her stubbornness, her refusal to see the danger inherent in our relationship, frustrated me. Somehow I managed to gently lift her warm body off mine—I'm not sure how I did it, how I separated our hungry bodies.

And in a flash I was on my feet, pacing back and forth before the fireplace filled with candles. I pinched the bridge of my nose between my fingers as I paced, refusing to look at Bella.

Refusing to see the hurt I was subjecting her to.

Silence reigned in the room—my footfalls were silent, and in my peripheral vision I could see that Bella hadn't moved where I had lifted her off me. Her face was stunned—as if she couldn't believe something.

Her eyes began to watch me as I paced. Her face now looked puzzled, as if she was trying to figure out a complicated algebraic equation. Her brows were knitted across her forehead in acute concentration as her eyes continued to follow me.

Finally I heard Bella's voice whisper, "Edward?"

I didn't stop pacing—I couldn't.

Bella cleared her voice, attempting to speak louder, trying to catch my attention. "Edward, please stop."

But I was driven—driven by my rage at myself, my frustration with my own wild emotions and passions, by my desires for Bella—the desire—no the primal _need_—to possess her, body and soul, to make her mine. There was nothing I wanted more in this moment than to scoop Bella into my arms, speed her to the master bedroom, and spend all night acquainting myself with every square centimeter of her beautiful and tempting body before burying myself within her.

But she wouldn't survive.

I would kill her.

Bella deserved someone she could love fully, completely, physically. And obviously that someone couldn't be me.

The truth stunned me: I would have to let her go.

I couldn't—but I had to. I couldn't let her go—I loved her so much. But I had to let her go. I loved her so much—too much to deny her and deny her and deny her, over and over. The way I had to deny her just now. It wasn't fair to Bella—to tease her then stop her when I started losing control.

The thoughts rushed through my mind, pulling me this way and that way as my mind ordered me to leave, but my heart begged me to stay. I kept pacing, trying to convince myself to do the right thing while my heart strained, attempting to hold itself together without Bella. I couldn't do it.

But I had to.

There was no other way. I felt my heart, my frozen heart, begin to crack, begin to break. I couldn't live without Bella.

But I had to. There was no other way.

But not tonight.

I couldn't ruin tonight for Bella.

It would be our last night together. A magical night.

I couldn't let her know my decision. Not yet.

She deserved this night.

But I would have to be controlled...more controlled than I have ever been.

And Bella now stood in front of me. I had been so absorbed in my decision-making that I hadn't seen her rise from the sofa. But she stood in the path of my pacing, and I halted in front of the fireplace.

The candlelight flickered across her beautiful, worried face as she raised a hand to caress my face. "Edward?" she whispered again. "What is it? What did I do?" Her eyes were wide with concern. Concern for me.

I felt my heart crack open a little more. But I stifled my pain as I attempted to smile for Bella's sake.

I placed my hands on her shoulders and looked into her eyes, drawing on my well-developed talent for lying. I hated to lie, but I wanted to preserve this evening intact for her—for the future. So she would have this memory, untainted, to look back on.

To remember me by.


	19. Chapter 19: The Facade

**Chapter Nineteen: The Facade **

_I placed my hands on her shoulders and looked into her eyes, drawing on my well-developed talent for lying. I hated to lie, but I wanted to preserve this evening intact for her—for the future. So she would have this memory, untainted, to look back on._

_ To remember me by._

I closed my eyes, trying to hide my pain from her. I knew the expression in my eyes would terrify her—the truth of what I was going to do must be written across my face—Bella would see my agony and _know_. Taking a deep breath, I drew her into my arms and held her to me. Her arms wrapped around me, her palms flattened against my shoulder blades. Bella's warmth enfolded me, and I drew strength from her presence, from her touch, from her love—enough strength to do what I knew I had to do...

To finally do the right thing...the right thing for Bella.

Even if it killed me...

And I knew it would.

But I pushed away those thoughts, knowing that I couldn't let them haunt me. Not right now. Not when I had to be strong enough...for the both of us.

And not for the very short time that we had left to be together, wrapped up in one another, like this.

I soaked up the moment, cherishing her in my arms. This moment was searing itself into my perfect memory where I could relive it again and again in the future, limitless years without my angel. I buried my face in her shoulder, in the swirl of her strawberry-scented hair, my hold tightening slightly as the urge to never let her go overwhelmed me.

I am not certain how long we stood there, wrapped in each others' arms in front of the fireplace, the candlelight flickering around and over us. Bella seemed content, her heart rate calming as we simply stood there, together. Wrapped up in each other for this eternal moment.

I refused to allow myself to think of how rare these interludes were going to be for us in the very near future. I took a deep breath, steeling myself to get Bella settled and asleep so that I could plan what I knew I had to do.

My heart sank at the thought, but I whispered into Bella's ear, "Are you ready for bed now? You must be exhausted, love."

Bella nodded, stepping back but remaining within the circle of my arms. "Are we going home in the morning?" she asked, bending her beautiful neck to look up at me. I forced a natural smile, burying my pain for her sake.

"After breakfast," I replied reluctantly. _So little time..._

She nodded again, then moved toward the master bedroom.

I didn't follow her. As she walked away, her hips swaying provocatively, the pain of this insignificant separation rocketed through me, and my hands began to shake...

And this—Bella walking into the next room to ready herself for bed—was nothing compared to the separation coming. How could I handle cutting myself out of Bella's life permanently if I can't even let her leave me in another room within our hotel suite?

At the doorway, she turned back to me with a sweet, beckoning smile. "Coming?"

Plastering a hopefully-convincing smile across my face, I hid my pain again behind a facade of calm as I answered, "When you're ready, love."

Bella paused for a few moments, searching my expression. Damn, she always saw through me. With great effort, I smiled again, settling myself on the sofa to wait for her. With a slightly-worried frown, she moved through the master bedroom, gathering her night things, with a final concerned glance over her shoulder as she closed the bathroom door behind her.

As the door clicked shut, I let out my breath in a whoosh, relieved to not have to keep up the exhausting facade of calm for a few moments. Closing my eyes, I leaned my head against the sofa back and let the grief of our coming separation possess me for a few moments.

Despite the fact that vampires do not tire, I felt a mental exhaustion so pressing that I felt physically spent—as if my limbs had no strength. I ran my fingers through my hair as I bent over, my elbows on my knees. My whole body shook with the power of my eternal love for Bella and the knowledge of the grief that will grip me once I separate myself from this beautiful human girl.

I have never felt so weak, not since the vague memories of the fever that took my human life nearly a century ago. My entire body trembled the way it did in that Chicago hospital where Carlisle had found me dying...had found me and saved me.

But this pain was so deep, so earth-shattering, rocking me to my very core, that for a moment I wished that Carlisle had not saved me, that I had died from the influenza just so that I couldn't experience this pain—or the far worse agony that was coming when I left Bella.

As attractive as that thought was—the erasing of this pain—I couldn't truly wish for my death in 1918...because this immortal half-life had somehow miraculously brought me to Bella—to the truest of loves.

Although I couldn't think clearly through the pain at the moment, the agony that came in waves of despair and hopelessness, I at least knew this much: the happiness, the joy of loving Bella, was worth this pain racking my heart, tearing apart all that I was, am, and will be. Despite the agony, I would be forever grateful for these too-few months of true love—the only time in the last century that I had been truly happy.

I gripped my hair in my hands, trying to gather my scattered thoughts and emotions so that I could be prepared to be with Bella again when she finished getting ready for bed. I knew that I had only a few moments before she emerged from the bathroom, and I would have to face her again from behind the facade I would have to assume until I told her.

Until I left her.

Five minutes later I was smiling all-too-convincingly at Bella as I settled her into the king-sized canopied bed in the master suite. Twisting around, I switched off the bedside lamp, casting darkness through the large room. I sighed in relief, grateful that the darkness would allow me to relax my exhausting facade a little as I laid down beside Bella, on top of the covers so that my cold form would not chill her.

Bella snuggled to me, her arms around her neck, her head pillowed on my shoulder, her warm, desirable body against my cold, icy one. I swallowed convulsively, trying to ignore her warmth seeping through the covers, my clothing...my heart. I was thankful for the cover of darkness so that she couldn't see my face, my eyes. But Bella knew my voice all too well. It wouldn't be easy, keeping this agony from Bella, but I had to hide behind a facade for a day, perhaps two. Just long enough to protect the memory of this day for her future, to keep it untainted from the separation that was inevitable—the separation that would protect her from the monster that I am.

This loving girl, so precious, so willing, needed to live her human life as she should, without interference from this mythical monster who wanted her blood and her body. She was too good, too pure, to deserve what Alice had foreseen for her—a soulless, bloodthirsty, eternal half-life.

Bella tightened her embrace around me, burrowing her face into my dress shirt. "You smell so good," she murmured. "I can't get enough of you. Your touch, your scent, they relax me. I feel such peace when you're close to me."

Bella's adoring words slashed at my already-aching heart The thought of having to leave her for her own safety was nothing compared to the pain of her loving words. When I left, I wouldn't be the only one in agony; Bella would also be wounded.

Yes, her memory was human and faulty, but she seemed just as affected by my presence as I was by hers. I would be causing her immeasurable pain when I left... She would recover, of course, in time, but at first she would be heart-broken. Bella loved me with as much capacity as was humanly possible—of this fact I was certain. I saw her adoration shining from her eyes with her every glance, heard it in her every word, felt it in her every touch. Could she bear our separation?

Somehow the right thing to do didn't seem as clear-cut as it had been just a moment ago.

"Thank you, Edward," Bella whispered, her fingers tracing light circles on my chest against my starched dress shirt.

My mind was still spinning in pain-inducing circles, her words making little sense to me. "For what?" I managed to whisper.

She giggled against my shoulder. "For today, silly. For my beautiful surprises. For the sail, for the day on the beach, for tonight. It was all perfect, Edward. Thank you. And thank Alice for me, too. It was so sweet of her to come all the way to Seattle just to get me ready for tonight, as much as I hate being Guinea-Pig Barbie." She smothered another giggle into my shoulder, and my heart soared at her carefree laughter, then plummeted as I realized how changed her mood would be in a day or two...

Smothering my negative thoughts, I pulled Bella closer. "I'm glad you enjoyed it all, sweetheart. You deserve a day of celebration after all I've put you through."

She craned her neck toward me. "What do you mean, _all that you've put me through_?" she nearly growled.

I tucked her head under my chin so that she couldn't see my eyes. "You know what I mean. James. Phoenix. The ballet studio. The hospital. The cast. You name it." I heard the bitterness and pain in my voice and knew that she did, too.

"Edward, none of that was your fault!" I heard the steel in her voice as she hugged me closer to her, trying to soothe me. "You _saved_ me, remember?"

"You wouldn't have needed to be saved if it weren't for me."

"I would be dead if it weren't for you, several times over. Now, stop it!"

I drew a deep breath, willing myself to be calm. Her potent scent both relaxed and excited me. Venom welled in my mouth, and my body responded to her closeness. Both reactions sickened me. I closed my eyes, hating who I was and how far I had allowed our relationship to progress. I should have exercised more control much earlier, in several ways...

Bella's voice changed, becoming softer as she changed the subject. "You spent too much today, though. It really wasn't necessary, all this luxury."

I shook my head while turning to kiss the crown of her strawberry-scented hair, still elaborately curled, thanks to Alice. "It was necessary, love. Entirely necessary."

Entirely necessary to give her this one perfect day...to remember me by, even if that wasn't my plan when I first mapped out this day with Alice. All I could hope now was that, years in the future, when she was married and had children and a career and a beautiful human life, she could look back on this day and not hate me, and perhaps even remember something of how much I loved her...

The thought left me breathless with pain. I swallowed again, keeping my eyes closed against the waves of despair spiraling me ever downward.

In this darkened room Bella raised herself on her elbow, facing me. Her soft, warm fingers caressed the side of my face, cupping my jaw. I was grateful again for the mask of darkness that hid my expression from her weak human eyes.

"Edward, all I need is you. Yes, today was special, and I will remember it always as one of the most precious days of my life. But I would have been just as content if we had stayed in Forks all day. I don't care where I am or what I am doing, as long as I am with you." Her low, earnest voice tortured me, but I finally opened my eyes to look at her.

I had so little time left to simply gaze upon her, to hear her voice, to receive her caresses, to touch her, to be with her...

As I looked up into her beautiful face and listened to her beloved voice, I couldn't help but reach up and touch her face as well. And I knew from the depths of my silent heart that I could not be without this sweet, beautiful girl—this lovely young woman who loved me so greatly. Her mortal, human love was nothing next to the power of my eternal passion, but her love was still incredible. There were days that I still couldn't wrap my immortal mind around the amazing fact that this beautiful human girl returned my love.

I knew that our love was precious, magnificent, and eternal.

Raising my hand to the back of her head, I pulled her lips down to meet mine, and, as always, Bella's heart began to pound. Her tongue ran across mine, but I did not open my mouth, refusing to deepen the kiss, keeping it tender and sweet. I had already reached the limit of my control for one night; I didn't dare push it after what happened an hour or so ago.

I pulled away from Bella, and I couldn't help grinning a little at her frown of disappointment. "Sorry, love," I whispered, my voice low and husky after our kiss, "but you really need to sleep sometime tonight-"

Interrupted my words with another kiss, Bella pulled her body on top of mine. Immediately I raised myself up on my elbow and gently pushed her back into the pillows, pulling up the sheet and blanket over her shoulders as I did so.

"Time for sleep," I insisted again, kissing her nose before tucking her in more snugly and lying down beside her. "Goodnight, my Bella."

I heard her heavy, disappointed sigh before she said, "Goodnight, Edward." Forgiving me as always, she snuggled into me again and, obviously exhausted after our long and active day, Bella relaxed almost immediately into a doze.

I couldn't help sighing in relief as her breathing slowed, as she slept more deeply. I had a lot of thinking to do tonight. I knew what I needed to do, but I wasn't certain if I was strong enough to do it. Keeping Bella's fears at bay while I thought it all through over the next day or two would not be easy.

For either of us.


	20. Chapter 20: Decisions, Decisions

**Chapter Twenty: Decisions, Decisions**

Usually the nights I held Bella sped by...mornings always came far too early, and I would leave her bed at sunrise on school days (or later during summer vacation) with the utmost reluctance. I would hold her in my arms, searing her scent, her warmth, her miraculous love into my perfect memory to relive throughout the day. Each night passed so quickly in a haze of absolute contentment. Never was I bored, restless, or anxious; I was completely happy.

But this night in a strange hotel room and with much I was forced to think about—this night was passing slowly, each moment feeling like an hour.

I tried to convince myself that this slow passage of time tonight was a good thing. I had so many aspects of our relationship to ponder, then decide the best course to protect Bella. I wasn't thinking about my own happiness in the least; rather, I burned with the need to insure her safety and perfect my self-control.

Bella nestled against me in her sleep, burrowing her head into my chest, her small hand fisting my shirt. I held her closer for a moment, but with her warmth suffusing my icy body, I found it extremely difficult to concentrate.

It certainly didn't help that Alice had rebelled at packing Bella's holey t-shirt and sweatpants for a romantic evening away, for the silky gown that Alice had provided in lieu of Bella's usual sleep attire was certainly not helping my concentration, especially as I remembered Bella blushing bright red when she emerged from the bathroom in the matching knee-length deep blue silk robe and slip-like gown, the latter trimmed with blue lace that dipped in a low "v" between her breasts. The color was perfect, causing her fair skin to glow in the dimly-lit room.

I had gulped at this vision, frozen in place, mentally cursing and cheering Alice at the same time. I'm sure I looked absolutely ridiculous with my eyes popping out of my head, wishing bizarrely that tonight was our wedding night and that I had the right to possess her at this very moment, but Bella had only smiled knowingly before allowing me to tuck her into bed. I breathed a little easier once she was beneath the covers, but having her curled around me right now was ruining any chance of concentrating on anything but trying not to surrender my already-battered control. More than anything, I wanted to follow the curve of the blue lace with my fingers where it dipped low on her chest—I wanted to touch her as I desired and never stop.

Knowing that I had much to mull over this night, I was quite aware that any thought (or at least the kind of thinking I needed to do) was impossible while wrapped in Bella's arms. All-too-conscious of her silky warmth against me despite the sheet and blanket separating us, I began to ease my body away from hers with the utmost care. Making infinitesimal movements, I slipped Bella off my chest and slowly pried my now-wrinkled shirt from her fisted grasp. It took nearly half an hour for me to edge myself out of the large hotel bed without waking her. But I knew that if I were to think through all aspects of our relationship, I would need to do so away from Bella's sweet influence, her scent, her warmth, her unconscious beauty, and far, far from that revealing gown!

As I crept to the doorway of the bedroom, I stopped to look back over my shoulder at Bella. She lay deeply asleep, curled on her side facing where I had been laying, her bare arm outstretched as if she were holding my body to hers. The blue spaghetti straps of her gown were temptingly visible above the bed covers, and I averted my eyes so that I could vacate the room without accosting her. As I moved from the bed, I pushed a strong sense of emptiness from me; I knew that I had to think, and I had think alone.

I had to do the right thing.

And not the right thing for me—this had to be the right thing for Bella.

My heavy sigh was silent, but it caused my chest to ache so sharply that my hand automatically moved the place where my heart used to beat.

I forced myself to tear my eyes from Bella's beautiful sleeping form, closing the master bedroom door silently behind me.

The darkness of the suite didn't faze me, of course, but the city lights of downtown Seattle sparkled all the more brightly through the windows of the dim rooms of the hotel suite. I automatically fell into my default thinking mode, pacing back and forth in front of the fireplace. No longer burning, the pillar candles inside the fireplace had melted into mounds of melted wax, distorted and dripping down the iron holders and across the marble of the hearth.

I ran my fingers through my hair as I paced, trying to force my mind to think clearly, but somehow the thoughts would not come. My mind seemed frozen, empty—as empty as my heart felt right now at the mere thought of leaving Bella behind to live her life in safety and peace, without me. I tried to think of alternatives, of pros and cons, of how much better off Bella would be without me, but logical, reasonable thought refused to mold itself within my brain, each attempt to think clearly dissipating in the emptiness of my too-silent heart.

How could I leave her if the merest idea of doing so paralyzed my mind and my being? How could I possibly keep forcing myself through each day of this eternal existence without Bella at my side?

But this decision wasn't about me—it was about Bella and what would be best for her.

I tried to command my mind down this path of leaving for Bella's sake, but all I saw were soft brown eyes filled with tears and the pain I would subject her to by disappearing from her life. I knew she loved me. And I despised myself for even thinking of causing her pain of any sort.

So how could I leave?

But every moment she spent in my presence was a moment of danger.

That fear-inducing thought sobered me, clearing my mind so that I could begin to think. And then the thoughts were flashing through my mind at vampire speed.

And I knew that this dilemma was completely my fault.

If I wasn't being tempted by the sweet promise of her blood—a sweetness and purity I had experienced mere months ago when I prevented her change in that Phoenix ballet studio—then I was being tempted by the sensuality of her body. And at times her body called to me just as sweetly and persuasively as her blood...especially tonight when she wore that damn blue gown.

Bella was a human teenager, and her hormones created an amazing scent that inexorably drew me to her, a man to a woman. And my own human teenage tendencies were being resurrected all too obviously.

I had never felt desire like this before. I had vague impressions of admiring certain girls during my human life, but the almost uncontrollable desire that coursed through me when I was alone with Bella shocked me with it power. I wanted her in the worst (and best) way. I wanted her wrapped in my arms, moaning my name as I touched her, filled her, fulfilled her. I had never been with a woman before, but the desire I felt so strongly for Bella seemed so natural—almost as if it were inevitable.

_So what are my options?_ I questioned myself as I ghosted back and forth across the room in front of the fireplace, my arms folded tightly against the empty sensation in my chest. My breathing came much more quickly than normal, each breath catching painfully—not from exertion, but from the agony that was winning against my attempts to think logically.

_I can leave._ But can I? Am I actually able to leave this truest of true loves, able to cut myself out of Bella's life? I stopped pacing, frozen solid as a stiletto of debilitating pain sliced through my heart. Could I survive without being with Bella each day? Without holding her as she slept each night? Without hearing her sweet voice? Without being calmed by her touch? Totally and completely without her presence ever again?

I found myself on the floor of the hotel suite's living room, curled in a ball on the luxurious carpet in front of the fireplace, rocking my body back and forth, back and forth. I heard a low keening sound, and I hoped that whatever it was wouldn't wake Bella. It took me several moments to realize that the sound was coming from low in my throat—_I_ was making that horrible noise.

I buried my face in my arms that were folded atop my knees, attempting to stifle the low moans that I could not control. And I could not stop rocking back and forth in sheer agony at the thought of leaving Bella.

I remained in this fetal position for the remainder of the night, until the first glimmers of dawn crept in the open windows. And then I acknowledged the truth to myself:

_There was no way I could leave Bella._

When I allowed this truth to permeate my mind, my heart, my depths, the rocking stopped. The low, hoarse moans stopped. I could at last release the death-grip my arms possessed around my knees and unfold myself. My breathing normalized, and I slowly got to my feet.

The relief I was feeling was almost joy-inducing.

I could hear Bella's regular breathing from the master bedroom, her heart rate slow, indicating a deep sleep. My relief increased, and I felt incredibly grateful that Bella had not seen me losing my sanity during half the night.

In the dim light of predawn, I stepped to the grand piano in the corner of the room near the suite door, far from the master bedroom where Bella slept. I felt compelled to slide onto the polished black bench, gently and quietly running my fingers down the ivory keys. Music brought me peace and enabled me to think—just what I needed at this moment.

The deep-driven need for peace compelled me to start playing very softly, praying that I wouldn't wake Bella. The strains of her lullaby rose gently from the magnificent instrument as I pondered our dilemma further.

_I could not bear to leave Bella._ I admitted the truth to myself as a starting point for this new train of thought. As my fingers sought the familiar melody with the barest of touches, more gentle than human hands were capable, I desperately hoped that I was making the right decision, the best decision for Bella. I knew how selfish this decision that lightened my heart truly was—a result of my inability to let go of happiness, of joy, of love.

I prayed that I would not regret this decision to stay. I prayed that no unforeseen consequences would occur as a result of this most self-centered of decisions because I knew that I would never, ever forgive myself if my remaining with Bella brought her injury...or worse.

A shudder of what "worse" could entail rippled through my body, causing me to strike wrong notes in the middle of Bella's lullaby. I stopped playing, bowing my head over the keys, my eyes shut tightly against the possible consequences of my selfishness. Is it this decision to stay with her that will bring Bella into our world, that will make her one of us?

The thought was agonizing. Again I buried my head in my hands as I curled

over the piano.

"Edward?" a soft voice behind me asked.

I froze, holding my breath in surprise as Bella's concern bled through my name.

A moment later a warm hand tentatively grasped each of my shoulders. I felt myself melting at her touch, unfreezing slowly as Bella massaged my tense shoulder blades, then ran her thumbs up my spine to my neck and into my hairline. Sighing, I opened my eyes and reached a hand up to cover one of hers in a comforting gesture, although her touch brought me far more peace.

Bella kept the one hand on the back of my neck as she came forward, twisting herself between me and the piano keys to sit on my lap facing me. I nearly groaned when I noted again that she was wearing the silky slip-like gown in deep blue with a matching knee-length silk robe that hung open.

Taking a deep breath to control myself after seeing her once again in such unusually romantic nightwear, I kept my hand remained atop hers as her free hand cupped my face. I closed my eyes, nearly humming with the sheer grace of her warmth, of her peace. My head tipped forward until my icy forehead touched hers, and I wrapped both arms around her slender form, inhaling her warm, floral scent.

Bella was peace..._my_ peace.

I could not leave her, so I would have to deal with the consequences as they came. I just prayed that the ramifications of my remaining with Bella would not come at too high a price.


	21. Chapter 21: The Morning After

**Chapter Twenty-One: The Morning After**

Standing between the piano and my body on the piano bench, Bella looked down at me with an unfathomable expression as she leaned over to peer into my face.

"Edward," she breathed, tipping her head to the side and brushing my lips with hers in the barest of kisses. "You know that you can tell me anything, right?"

"Mmmmhmmm," I agreed, distracted by her warm, soft mouth toying with my mine.

Bella pulled back, grasping my face between both of her small palms and looking squarely in my eyes. She continued to speak in the merest of whispers, "Will you please tell me what is wrong before I go stark-raving crazy?"

Her determined brown eyes bored into mine, and I knew that she was not going to let me off the hook this time. No, definitely not.

Sighing for what felt like the hundredth time since sunset, I gazed into her eyes for a long moment before spilling the truth quickly, the words tumbling forth in the way I often speak when upset: "I get so angry with myself, Bella. I am so selfish. I want to be with you, always, but I still can't be sure it's the best thing for you. I try to make the best decisions, but the decisions I make are not made logically or reasonably, but are based on the love I have for you, not on what's safest. I don't know if I'm doing what is right, if I'm doing what is best for you. My greatest fear is that I will make a terrible mistake and you will be put in jeopardy, in danger—and you will suffer the consequences for my poor, selfish decisions. This fear...it's...agonizing..."

Closing my eyes to block out a little of the pain seeping through me, I took a deep breath and continued, "I wish with all of my being that I could let go of every concern, every worry, and truly enjoy this precious gift of loving one another that we share. But I keep thinking and imagining horrible things happening to you because of me, just like in Phoenix, and...

I squared my shoulders as I gazed deeply into her beautiful eyes, speaking slowly and with emphasis, "If there was any way, any way at all, that I could be human with you, I would. I wouldn't stop to count the cost. I would do _anything _to be with you in your world rather than forcing you into the dangers of mine. I just keep thinking, over and over, of all that could happen to you, all that could take you away from me forever, away from both of our worlds. I envision terrible, catastrophic things happening to you, all because of me—these visions keep running through my mind, and I can't stop them..."

My voice trailed off in agony, and I bowed my head, unable to look her in the face. I couldn't bear to see the hatred I so deserved in her eyes.

But that was cowardly. With resolve I forced my head up, and looked at my beautiful angel—the one I would lose, either now or later. Could she ever truly be mine?

Under my timid gaze, I watched Bella's brows rush together, her eyes burning with both love and frustration as she retorted, "You think far too much, Edward Cullen! Here we are on this romantic overnight trip that you spent so much time planning, and you keep worrying and worrying instead of enjoying just being together!"

I nodded in mute agreement. _Bella was right...as usual. So right..._

"And do not forget what you promised me in Phoenix," she reminded me in a low voice.

Again I nodded.

"And..." she started.

"There's more?" I asked, pulling myself together enough to pretend to be shocked.

Bella brought her face to mine until our noses were nearly touching. "There's always more, Edward," she whispered sexily, looking up at me through her thick lashes, her invitation plain.

Despite my fears for her future, despite my fears that she would despise me, I couldn't help responding to my angel. I captured her lips in mine while grasping her slim waist with both hands and drawing her against me as I sat on the piano bench. With her arms snaking around my neck, the kiss began to build steadily. I couldn't help but draw her into my lap, still facing me, her back to the piano keys, her legs on either side of my body. Bella moaned into my mouth, deepening the kiss, her full lips attacking mine passionately. Her acceptance and love rocked my world, and I held her as closely as possible, bowing her silk-clad body to mine as we sat awkwardly on the piano bench.

And something hot and deep pulsed through my icy body, something I barely recognized as my control shattered with her passionate kiss. Toppling the bench over as I stood up, I lifted Bella onto the closed top of the piano without breaking our kiss. Her bare feet struck some of the keys with a cacophonous sound, and she leaned into me, crushing herself to my icy body. She shivered from head to toe, and I began to loosen my grip, fearing that she was cold as the silky gown and open robe she wore provided her little warmth.

But Bella had other ideas. She grasped me to her suddenly, pulling my body between her bare legs. As I folded myself between her knees, all I could feel was her warmth, her passion, and my desire met hers, a burning fire despite my iciness. But Bella was melting me, melting my every thought, my every modicum of control. More than anything, I wanted to scoop her into my arms bridal-style and carry her to the wide bed in the next room and bury myself inside her. Only the merest trace of the control I sought in this heated moment kept me here at the piano. As my lips devoured hers, I knew that I had never lost control to this extent before. And, to tell the truth, I really didn't care.

It was too marvelous. Too miraculous. _Bella was too miraculous._

Her arms clutched me to her, her fragile hands caressing up and down my back as I held her in my arms. Bella trembled under my kisses, and I gloried in her shy yet passionate response. My tongue licked across her closed lips, and she opened her mouth so that I could taste her as well as smell her and touch her. My vampiric senses were overloaded with her beauty and her warmth, and I couldn't even think about control anymore—what little concentration I possessed was bent on keeping my sanity just enough to be certain that I wouldn't crush her as I held her to me, groaning into her mouth, desiring more of her..._ALL_ of her.

I leaned over Bella, into her, bowing her down onto the closed top of the grand piano. Her beautiful body lay atop the piano now, her feet still on the piano keys, and, standing between her bare legs, I was certain that the sight of my angel's body spread across the glossy black piano was the sexiest sight I had ever seen—perhaps the sexiest sight _ever_ seen by _anyone_.

I ran both hands up her body clad in the soft, silk gown, barely touching her, starting at her warm thighs, then her slender waist, then the hypnotic curves of her chest, marveling at her beauty, her unassuming sensuality. As I reached her bared shoulders, Bella caught my glance, her eyes dark with passion. Our eyes met, smoldering, and she moaned, "Please...Edward. Pleeeease..." Her eyes closed then, masking the depth of her arousal.

And somehow alarm bells went off in my head, and, straightening, I managed just enough control to lift my hands from her lovely form. I couldn't do this to my angel. I could hurt her...

I could kill her.

Secondarily, besides the risking of her life—which I have been striving to protect for so many months—I knew that going through with what we obviously both wanted was _wrong_.

I swallowed, trying to gain the control I needed to do what was right, what was best. Despite these amazing circumstances, despite the beauty and sensuality of my Bella's body atop the piano, I knew deep-down that now was not the time.

There was something I wanted even more than my Bella right now: I wanted a golden band encircling her left ring finger first, and one around mine as well, after we vowed our love in front of God, my family and perhaps a few friends.

I wanted to marry this fragile, beautiful human woman.

I wanted Bella to be mine in every way: _legally and forever. _

Then and only then would it be right to move forward and quench these foreign hungers I felt for Bella, hungers completely alien to me until I had met this lovely angel who could and did drive me to the very edge of my control.

Pulling my hands away from her and to my sides, I stepped back from her, my foot nudging the overturned piano bench. As my cold touch left her, Bella's eyes flew open with surprise. As she saw my eyes solidify and my jaw flex with resolve, she closed her eyes again, sighing loudly.

"I'm sorry, love," I whispered. "I just...can't?" For some reason it came out as a question, my voice shaking with the control I had to exercise in order to force myself to move away from her tempting beauty.

Her eyes remained closed, but her expression hardened. "And why the hell not, Edward?"

I wasn't going to answer her completely. She was only seventeen, not in any way ready for what I wanted and needed: marriage. _And we have time...plenty of time,_ I consoled myself. I would just have to steel myself against Bella's siren call, against the temptation of her beautiful body.

I could do it. _I would have to do it._

But I would have to offer her different reasons...for now. I knew Bella well enough to recognize that marriage was the last thing on her mind, and it was definitely not the time to bring up such a controversial topic. We had enough to deal with this morning without complicating matters.

I took a deep breath before answering her in a low but certain voice, "It's just not safe, Bella. _I. Am. Not. Safe," _I enunciated.

"That's ridiculous!" she exclaimed, sitting up abruptly. "I know you. I love you. I trust you. I will be fine!" Her brows wrinkled across her forehead as she folded her arms across her chest.

I took a step closer to the piano. "You shouldn't trust me. I don't trust myself. And I'm certainly not going to put your life in danger."

Her eyes flashed, and she scrambled awkwardly off the piano, causing more notes to ping from the keys under her feet.

She stepped up to me, her arms folded across her body again. Her eyes bored into mine. She inhaled deeply as if preparing for a tirade. "You have got to be kidding, Edward Cullen! That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! This is _us_ we're talking about! We're perfect for each other! I can't believe you're doing this—_again_!" She strode across the room, brushing past me and rushing into the bedroom. I followed her, my heart heavy.

She spun, facing me as I entered the master bedroom, her hands clapped to her forehead in utter frustration, angry tears welling in her beautiful brown eyes. "I can't handle this," she groaned. I froze, preparing myself for her anger—her justified anger. I deserved it. I soooooo deserved it.

I kept my eyes locked with hers, unwilling to buffer her anger against me, ready to take it like a man.

She continued, gaining steam and volume as she spoke, "You're confusing me, Edward. You're hot, and then you're cold. You seem like you want me, then you pull back. Back and forth, back and forth! You set up this amazing day and incredible night, and every time I offer myself to you, you reject me!" She was nearly yelling now, ignoring the tears spilling down her cheeks.

Trying to reign in her frustration and anger, Bella gulped, folding her lips and lowered her eyes to the thick carpet. "Am I not pretty enough? I know I'm not a vampire; I'm not beautiful and strong like you are. I'm just me. I know that." Her eyes rose to mine, still swimming with tears. Then she whispered, "I mean, d-don't you want me at all, Edward?"

Bella's obvious pain ripped through my silent heart, and I moved forward to fold her into my arms, to assure her of how beautiful, how desirable she was, and to tell her once again how much I loved her.

But she raised both hands toward me, signaling me to stop, and I halted, watching the path that her tears took as they trickled down her lovely face. Still glaring at me while nearly blinded by her tears, Bella backed quietly into the bathroom behind her, closing the door.

And locking it.


	22. Chapter 22: The Aftermath

**A/N: Thanks to all of you for reading and reviewing **_**Evening Star.**_** As always, all credit and kudos go to the Mistress of Forks, Stephenie Meyer, and I am grateful to inhabit her world for a few hours each week. **

**I apologize for the delay in uploading Chapters 21 and 22; for some reason, I kept receiving error notices whenever I tried to upload here on . The problem is now solved, and here is the most recent chapter. Please REVIEW! :) **

**Chapter Twenty-Two: The Aftermath**

As the bathroom lock clicked, seeming to echo throughout the suite, I stood in the center of the master bedroom, shocked into absolute stillness. I'm positive that my jaw was hanging agape. My arms were still held out in front of me, as if to embrace the girl who had been standing right before me and had now locked herself in the bathroom.

I heard a slipping sound, silk against wood, as if Bella had leaned her back against the other side of the door then slid down to sit on the bathroom floor. I thought I could hear the nearly silent path of tears down her beautiful face, and my anger burst into flames.

But this time, the anger was directed toward myself...and myself alone.

I knew that if I heard one stifled sob, I absolutely would lose my mind. So I turned on my heel, stalking across the living room and out the French doors onto the long balcony facing west, overlooking the Seattle skyline and port. Part of me wanted to slam the delicate doors behind me, shattering the glass and slivering the wood, but I restrained myself, closing the doors quietly behind me as I retreated to the far corner of the curved balcony, as far from the locked master bathroom as possible.

There I stood, only vaguely aware of the glittering city lights before me and the darkness of Seattle's harbor dotted only occasionally with lights from bobbing boats. It was a breathtaking scene as the sun rose, but I didn't see any of its beauty.

I was only conscious of a ripping feeling in my stone-cold chest, a tearing and a separating that brought low, agonized moans from my depths. If I had a soul, it would have been shredded. If I were human, I would either have been weeping uncontrollably or been dead already, for no human could survive the extent of the pain I was suffering at this moment. This agony rivaled the horrific feelings that had churned through me when I saw Bella, broken and bleeding, on the floor of the ballet studio, James bending over her fragile body.

At least in Phoenix I could blame someone besides myself—I could blame the sadistic vampire who had tracked Bella down and lured her away from my family; I could blame James and Victoria for playing their little games with us. Bella's suffering then was only _partly_ my fault then.

But this morning I could blame no one but myself. And that fact burned into me deeply, the searing pain reminding me all too much of the agony of my transformation into this living death of vampire "life."

In my shirt pocket my phone vibrated, but I couldn't force myself to move to withdraw it. I knew it would be Alice, and I couldn't handle her questions and her commentary at present, no matter what she had seen.

I simply didn't care...

Because I had ruined _everything._

My phone vibrated against my chest again and again over the next two hours while I remained frozen, my unfocused gaze directed toward the harbor. I continued to ignore the many calls, texts, and voice messages with which Alice bombarded me.

I was past thought, caught in a maelstrom of sheer emotion—sheer agony.

After the sun had risen, I at last heard movement inside the suite, and only then did I regain motion, swiveling my head to peer inside the hotel. My head swam with the movement, something that had never happened to me before, a reminder of my current emotional and yes, physical weakness.

With difficulty I managed to focus my eyes and saw that Bella was carelessly dressed in jeans and a white t-shirt, her sneakers on, her hair, still curly from Alice's styling last night, pulled back into a sloppy ponytail. I could see her moving about the Master suite through the open bedroom door as she haphazardly tossed clothing into the bags that Alice had so lovingly packed for her.

My feet refused to move as I watched my angel, my heart somehow ripping even more, even deeper.

Bella was packing.

Bella was leaving.

I watched her every move with agonized eyes, noting the paleness of her face, the weariness of her movements, the tight set of her jaw, her teeth clenched, her eyes refusing to meet mine.

My phone buzzed again, and, without thinking, I took it from my pocket and put it to my ear without speaking a greeting.

"Edward?" Alice whispered.

I didn't respond.

"Edward, snap out of it!" Alice hissed.

I only shook my head in negation.

"Stop shaking your head and listen to me!" she demanded. "Bella will forgive you, Edward—I've seen it."

"When?" I breathed, trying not to allow hope to creep back into my heart. Hope could be deadly. I couldn't hope—not yet. Not until I saw some real sign of Bella's relenting, of Bella's forgiveness.

"Less than twenty-four hours. But you're going to have to give her a lot of space today and be in her room tonight, no matter what she tells you. Take her anger quietly on the way home and say as little as possible so you won't dig yourself in deeper."

"Thanks, Alice," I whispered, still attempting to stave off the impossible hope that was starting to lessen the tearless agony that had gripped me for the last few hours.

"You're welcome. And next time, Edward...answer your damn phone!"

I sighed. "I hope there won't be a 'next time.'"

"Me, too. I'm sorry, Edward. But sometimes...you _**are**_ an idiot."

I nearly chuckled as I pocketed the phone.

My eyes automatically turned toward the room in which Bella was packing. She was impatiently and unsuccessfully tugging on the zipper of a long garment bag, and reluctantly I re-entered the hotel suite, closing the French doors behind me with a gentle click.

Bella raised her head at the sound, folding her lips into a thin line, still refusing to meet my eyes. Anger and frustration rolled off her almost visibly, so I resolved to take Alice's advice and not speak to her unless I had to.

I wordlessly entered the room and started scooping up her packed bags. With a violent motion, she at last zippered the garment bag and stalked into the living room.

I moved her bags out near the front door before I went to the guest room where I had readied myself last night and, moving at vampire speed, I quickly changed into jeans and a white button-down shirt before packing my few things.

I returned to the living room with my bags before picking up hers as well. I wasn't going to bother with a valet this morning.

But I had to make sure Bella was cared for: she needed to eat this morning.

So, not looking directly at her, I suggested quietly, "I can wait in the car while you eat breakfast in the restaurant before we leave."

Bella threw me a frustrated glance that said "You've got to be kidding!" far louder than words. Her face was set stubbornly, and I knew that expression all too well. Plus, I wasn't in any position to insist on anything this morning, so I opened the door for her, allowing her to stomp out to the elevator doors and viciously poke the "down" button. She stood in front of the closed doors, tapping her right foot in frustrated impatience. And I groaned internally.

This was going to be an interesting trip home.

Less than two hours later, I was pulling the Vanquish into the Forks city limits. I glanced at Bella again, as I had throughout our car ride, but she kept her face averted, not speaking a single word except to ask me once (in a cold, furious voice) to stop at a restroom for a "human moment." While she was in the restroom of the AM/PM and I filled the car with fuel, I dashed into the mini-mart and purchased her some fruit, a water bottle, and some crackers, leaving the items on her seat.

Bella emerged from the restroom, rubbing the back of her neck in a tired way, and I realized that, in addition to being exhausted from the last twenty-four hours and her nearly-sleepless night, she must be uncomfortable as a result of averting her face away from me. She inadvertently caught my glance as she massaged her sore neck and stopped immediately, defiantly and deliberately looking away as she approached the car.

When she opened the passenger door, she came to a shocked standstill as she saw the items I left on her seat, my small attempt to take care of her.

She shot me an annoyed look before sweeping the food and water onto the floor of the car before resuming her seat, stubbornly glaring out her window again, jaw set.

That was the extent of our communication during the entire trip home.

With a concerted effort, I withheld the sigh that threatened to erupt at her refusal to allow me to care for her basic needs, as well as her refusal to even look at me. I couldn't help the sadness that enveloped me as we continued our way home, my eyes trained on the rain-slicked road before us, glancing up at Bella now and then.

At least she didn't complain about the speeds the Vanquish reached in getting us home so quickly. Heeding Alice's warning, I decided to not spend an extra moment in Bella's company this day as she seemed to become more furious at me with each minute she spent in my proximity.

Noticing that Charlie's police car was already gone, I pulled the Vanquish into her driveway. To my astonishment, Bella was yanking the door handle before the car had even come to a complete stop. Grabbing only her purse and leaving the bags Alice had packed for her, she left the passenger door wide open in her haste to leave me behind, disappearing into the sanctuary of her home.

And I let her go.

Slowly I opened my door, walked around the car, and gently closed her door. My head down, I moved back into the driver's seat and slipped the car into the street, away from my one and only love...

...who wanted absolutely nothing to do with me.

Any hope I had felt after talking to Alice earlier was long gone, crushed by Bella's cold silence and colder fury.

At last I let out the shaky sigh I had bottled up over an hour ago when we stopped at the gas station.

I couldn't drive home and deal with my family right now. I would lose my mind if I had to subject myself to Rosalie's superiority, to Emmett's ridicule, to Alice's disappointment, to Jasper's understanding, to Carlisle's compassion, or to Esme's sympathy.

No, I couldn't go home. Not yet.

So I drove aimlessly, my mind deep in thought, trying to figure out how to find a "happy medium" in my and Bella's relationship—if she even wanted to have a relationship with me now. After all, our relationship has balanced on the edge of the knife before, and all had ended up fine. During our first trip to the meadow, all that had been confusing and challenging between us had become clear, had become possible because I had discovered the truth that would allow us to be together: that I was strong enough to resist the siren call of her blood. And there I had resolved never to hurt her.

_If only I had kept that resolve..._

I pushed the negative thought away, too involved in trying to find that balance we needed. I kept forcing myself to hope that this wasn't _the end...the end of __**us.**_

I inhaled deeply, then gritted my teeth as her warm scent, still swirling inside the small car, assaulted me. I couldn't think clearly in this situation, not with her scent as a constant reminder of all that I could be losing.

I needed a place to be quiet, a place to really concentrate, uninterrupted. And then I remembered the place where it had all fallen together before.

_I needed to go to the meadow...and I needed to go there now. _

Spinning the low-slung sports car into a hairpin u-turn, I steered the Vanquish onto the highway, following the winding road to its end, to the trail that Bella once thought that we would be hiking on that first day together.

Not bothering to lock my expensive British sports car and leaving my cell phone behind me on the passenger seat, I tore away from the few vehicles parked at the trail head, streaking through the dense forest toward the one physical place in which peace reigned for me.

Only a few moments later I entered the perfectly circular meadow, still green with summer grasses and dotted with summer wildflowers—poppies, Queen Anne's Lace, cornflowers, daisies, and other wildflowers that I didn't recognize. My mind reveled in the perfect stillness after the rush, bustle, and noise of downtown Seattle which had put me on edge more than I had realized. I didn't have to block out the cacophony of voices now—not a single mind was within my range, and I gratefully flopped down on my back in the precise center of the meadow.

The sky above me was pale gray, almost as if the sun, directly overhead now, might burn through and shine later. Despite the emotional pain that engulfed me, I pulled my arms behind my head and crossed my feet, luxuriating for a moment in the cool grass, the warm summer breeze ruffling the long-stemmed wildflowers, the absence of all human voices. I took a deep breath, allowing my body and mind to relax a little.

_Here I could finally think._

I started by working to isolate the major problem that Bell and I seemed to be facing, and a few moments later I thought I had figured it out:

Bella and I obviously both wanted a physical relationship, but I kept drawing back in fear, afraid of injuring or even killing her if my control slipped for a nanosecond. And Bella, that beautiful vixen of mine, kept trying to edge past my control, endangering herself as she allowed her human hormones to dominate her...and by extension, dominate me. And every time I pulled back, she obviously felt rejected, unwanted, and even unloved.

I shook my head in almost-amused disbelief. How could Bella ever consider herself unwanted? I wanted her with my every breath, with my every thought.

And I wasn't the only one.

If I had messed up enough this time so that Bella finally gave up on me, quite a sizable queue of alternates would gladly line up to take my place.

And every one of them could give her what I wouldn't..._what I couldn't._

_ They could offer her a physical relationship—they could make love with her without hurting or killing her. _

Bella was a teenager, and she obviously needed more than I could safely give her. Gritting my teeth,my hands flew to cover my eyes as I cringed at that thought. I couldn't give Bella up to make her happy. _Could I?_

I felt my jaw tightening. Obviously I needed to give her the choice of leaving me, of having a normal, human boyfriend and thus a normal, safe life...without me. Bella seemed to be so frustrated with me that she may be ready to call it all off—_call us_ off. And I definitely deserved such treatment...she would receive no arguments from me on that point.

And if that were the case—if Bella wanted to leave me—I would let her go. I would allow her to live a normal, happy, human life. I swallowed painfully at the thought, and again the now-familiar agony, aching through me all day, shot through my chest in a painful burst. But I also knew this:

_I would never stop loving Bella...never...for all of eternity. Even after her heart stopped beating... _


	23. Chapter 23: Advice and Assistance

_**Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I am only dabbling a bit in the beautiful world she created. No infringement is intended.**_

_**Please REVIEW! :)**_

**Chapter Twenty-Three: Advice and Assistance**

Despite the beauty of the meadow that I have shared with Bella for the last few months, the painful thoughts of losing Bella distracted me from my few stolen moments of peace. No longer could I relax into the cool grass beneath me. No longer could I enjoy the soft breezes, the wide variety of blooming wildflowers, nor the silence that had calmed my mind only moments ago.

My own thoughts tortured me far worse than the cacophony of minds which usually intruded my beleaguered brain.

Abruptly I sat up, my cheek leaning against my knees as I began rocking back and forth, attempting somehow to relieve the agonizing thoughts. But even rolled into a fetal position, gripping my legs with both arms, I could find no lessening of the stabbing pain that buffeted me so cruelly.

_Would Bella allow me to apologize? _

But I knew that an apology, no matter how sincere, was not going to restore our relationship to what it should be. As always, Bella would be generous in forgiving me—holding a grudge was not part of her nature—but a wall had been erected between us in that Seattle hotel suite, and I would have to tear it down before we could truly be _us_ again.

But _how_?

I racked my brain to no avail. Nothing came to mind, not a single idea of how to fix this painful situation I had so carelessly and thoughtlessly created.

But at last a thought passed through my mind, and I found myself on my feet, racing away from the beautiful place that was so very empty without the bright sunshine of my Bella's sweet presence. The meadow, beautiful though it was, held no peace for me without her.

However, I knew someone who could help me. Blurring with speed, I shot toward the large white house along the river, seeking the assistance I needed so desperately.

Carlisle was one of the few people I have always been able to depend upon. He would not judge; he would seek practical means to help Bella and me. I could trust him to see both sides of the issue impartially, and he would not mince his words...he would tell me the truths I knew I needed to hear.

My jaw tightened at the remembrance of the thoughts of my family that would bombard me as I approached our home. But I needed Carlisle's fatherly advice far more than I dreaded my family's diverse opinions, all of which were unfortunately an open book to me.

So I continued home, gaining my goal in mere minutes. Resolutely I closed my mind to my parents' and siblings' thoughts—I didn't need anything else to upset or distract me right now when I was focused on my purpose.

As I leaped the porch stairs in one stride and pushed the front door open, the power of my family's unspoken opinions crashed upon me, stunning me despite my expectations.

_Idiot. Why can't he just leave the stupid human alone? He's going to do something so..._Edward_...and we'll end up having to relocate. I like this place. He's not forcing me to leave it! _Rosalie huffed, refusing to look my direction.

Catching my eye, Emmett glanced up from the sofa where he sat with Rosalie, TV remote in hand. _God, you look terrible. I thought that a "romantic evening" with Bella would have put you in a much better mindset,_ he grinned, winking.

I sighed. Nothing new here from either of them—exactly what I had expected.

Alice sat on the stairway, blocking my way to Carlisle. Her brows were drawn together in deep thought, and she looked up, her pixie face uncommonly serious. _You can fix this, Edward. It's not going to be easy, but it will work. Trust me._

I merely shook my head at my favorite sister. Why couldn't _anything_ be easy with Bella and me? Why was everything so...complicated?

Jasper flashed down the stairs to Alice's side, noting the waves of anxiety and pain emanating from me. He gave me a sympathetic smile before drawing Alice into his arms and pulling her away from the stairs, clearing my way to Carlisle's office.

_Go talk with Carlisle. He's expecting you, _Alice thought, touching my arm as I passed her. As I slowly climbed the stairs, I detected Esme's thoughts from Carlisle's office. I sighed. I really didn't want to share some of these issues with my mom in the room. Some aspects were just too personal to discuss with a woman present. This needed to be a man-to-man kind of talk.

From the foot of the staircase, Alice's soft voice floated to the second story. "Esme? I need your opinion on this new dress I'm designing for the hospital fundraiser next month."

From halfway up the stairs, I turned, thanking Alice with a tight smile, and she winked in response.

The door to Carlisle's office opened, and Esme flitted downstairs, pausing to ruffle my hair affectionately as she passed. "Mom!" I groaned. She smiled, but her thoughts noted the tightness of my expression, the worry in my eyes. However, she wisely decided to not embarrass me by speaking her concerns aloud. I gave her a grim smile that caused her own gentle smile to fade a little, and she stood there a moment, puzzled, before continuing down the stairs to Alice.

I slipped through the partially-open office door. Carlisle sat behind his huge desk, surrounded by his beloved books and artwork. This room was his sanctuary, and I found myself relaxing slightly as I entered the beautiful room, so lovingly designed by Esme, plopping myself in one of the two leather-covered armchairs facing his desk.

I leaned forward tensely, my hands on my thighs, and faced my father-figure. Carlisle had changed me, saving me from certain death in 1918. I knew that he often questioned his decision to transform me into what he was. He could so easily see my loneliness, my ambivalence toward this half-life, and we had spent countless hours debating the possibility of a place in heaven for creatures such as ourselves. Carlisle's faith was something I hungered for, but my own self-doubt prevented me from believing as he did. How could a soulless monster such as myself deserve heaven? It seemed absolutely illogical and impossible.

Carlisle, however, was different. He used his immortality to help others, to save countless human lives in the various hospitals in which he had trained and worked over the centuries. He had made a difference with his immortality, even if he believed that it was the grace of God that saved him, not his own efforts. But how could one such as Carlisle _not_ deserve a place in heaven?

I knew that I was too different from my father. Despite my multiple degrees in medicine, I had never committed to control my thirst as Carlisle had so that I could truly practice medicine, so that I could help and save people as he did. Yes, I had assisted him from time to time in different venues and on cases not involving blood, but I obviously didn't have his passion for saving others. I didn't even attempt to gain the control he had—I just didn't care enough to exert myself in the way Carlisle did.

Those years on my own, hunting down humans like the monster I was, prevented any chance of heaven for me. I couldn't excuse those years to myself, even though I had hunted and killed predators only, so how could God forgive the loss of all of those lives if I could not? I had viewed myself as a god—judge, jury, and executioner—for those years that I deserted Carlisle and Esme and wandered on my own.

At the time I had justified myself in having saved countless lives that would have been lost had I not killed the human monsters who prowled on the weak and innocent. But deep in my heart, I knew how despicable I was for allowing myself the permission to hunt, to kill, to satisfy my craving for human blood. I could have fought the scent, the thirst, just as Carlisle had...as even Rosalie had. She often boasted in her thoughts that she had never tasted human blood, lording her perfect record over me.

I sighed, returning my thoughts to the gentle father-figure whose brows furrowed in concern...concern for me. Undeserved concern.

"Alice told you what happened this morning?" I asked quietly, expecting the answer.

_Yes,_ Carlisle thought. _How are you doing, Edward?_ He shook his head sadly. _You don't look well. _

I shrugged, not really caring how _I_ was doing. My thoughts were focused entirely on the fragile human girl who was shutting me out of her life at present—a fact that was shattering my frozen heart into miniscule pieces.

Carlisle sat back in his chair, steepling his long, pale fingertips together as was his habit when pensive. _How may I help, Son?_

I sighed, not quite knowing where to start. I could feel a pressure against the skin of my face, almost like I used to feel as a human when I blushed. This discussion was going to become intensely personal, and I both dreaded and anticipated it. I just wanted this wall between Bella and me to be knocked down, one way or another, and I was quite aware that not a single brick would budge until I shared every detail with my father.

Carlisle waited patiently, taking in both my embarrassment and my determination.

Taking a deep breath, I began to explain, in excruciating detail, first very slowly and reluctantly then more and more rapidly as nervousness and fear rushed through me. I did not mince words, and I did not neglect a single feeling or thought that may help Carlisle to fully grasp our situation as I told him about the way I kept pulling away from Bella when we both most wanted to move our physical relationship forward.

As the last words fell from my tongue, I buried my head in my hands, pinching the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger. I couldn't look Carlisle in the face after confessing my dangerous physical desire for this fragile human girl who had captured me—mind, body, and spirit.

Carlisle remained silent, waiting, knowing there was more I needed to share.

So I at last confessed in a low voice, "I want to marry her, Carlisle. I want to make her mine legally first before I make her mine physically. But I know her opinions on marriage. And she's only seventeen—she's far too young to want to marry. And she may not wish to marry _me_...ever. And I really couldn't blame her."

My grim smile mocked myself for even considering this impossible path. "What can I give her, compared to a real, human life—a life with a human husband who can love her without injuring or killing her and who can give her what I can't: children. How could she ever want to marry me? Yet I keep feeling that I need the assurance that she is mine and mine alone, bound to me in every possible way, before we consummate our love."

I laughed derisively. "I am so very old-fashioned, and Bella is a modern young woman. She doesn't have the same concerns that I do about sex before marriage. But it is the way I was raised. A proposal of marriage is how young men in my time demonstrated the seriousness of their regard for a young lady. Marriage shows the respect I feel for Bella, the depth of the love I have for her, the admiration and adoration I feel for her. But what will Bella think? Would she laugh me right out of the room?" I stopped the mad rush of words tumbling from me, finally peering up to see my father's face.

Carlisle's expression remained thoughtful, concerned. I sensed the care he was investing in his every thought, the control he was exerting before allowing certain ideas to gain coherence in his mind where I could access them.

_Well, Edward, I see several options available for you. Firstly, you may propose marriage to Bella. You know that Esme and I regard Bella as a beloved daughter already, and that the family would love to welcome her into our circle._

"Except Rosalie," I hissed under my breath.

_Give Rose time, Edward. You know how she struggles with our life more than the rest of us do. She sees Bella's humanity and wants those possibilities open to her as well. _Carlisle shook his head sadly. _There are times that I wish I had never changed Rosalie. But it was such a waste to allow such a lovely young woman to die when I had the power..._

I interrupted his thoughts in a soothing voice, "Carlisle, you did what you thought was the right thing. You acted on the purest of motives. You know that Rosalie doesn't blame you; she knows you were just trying to help her."

He shook his head once more, regret etched across his young face, making him look old enough to be a doctor for once. _Let's return to your issues with Bella. You know that she is welcome in our family, whether she becomes like us or remains human. We'll make the situation work one way or the other, Edward. _

"Bella stays human, Carlisle," I growled. "I don't care what Alice still sees. I refuse to damn her soul to hell just so that I will never lose her, no matter how many times she pleads for me to do just that! So becoming an immortal is off the table. Permanently."

Carlisle nodded in agreement. _Very well. Another option is to try to live in her world, including in the morals of her world in which marriage is not necessarily a prerequisite for physical relations. _

I shook my head in negation. "I can't ignore who I am, Carlisle. It was exactly this situation that occurred today. I'll just pull back at an inopportune time and cause Bella to hate me even more."

_All right_, Carlisle's thoughts continued. _What about suggesting some boundaries for your physical relationship? Figure out what you can and cannot handle, what you can do to keep her safe versus what leads to either blood lust or bodily lust, and discuss these boundaries with Bella. I'm sure she'll understand... _

I sat up straighter. This idea had never occurred to me, and although it could be a potential mine field, this solution definitely held some possibility.

"This last idea may work, Carlisle. Let me think it through, and I'll get back to you. All right?"

I noted that Carlisle thought that my expression seemed somewhat uplifted … perhaps even a little hopeful. I thanked him with a grateful heart, and my father walked around his desk to lay a gentle hand on my shoulder as he wished me the best with Bella.

Perhaps this possible solution would help us to both remain clear-headed and sane...and would keep the arguments and misunderstandings between us to a minimum.

Hope swelled in my chest as I left my father's office.

I would talk to Bella...tonight. 

_**A/N I haven't been good about posting author notes here, But I just wanted to thank you who have read this story so far. I would love to hear what you think, so please REVIEW! Thanks!**_


	24. Chapter 24: Nightmare

**Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer; I just enjoy playing in her sandbox. No copyright infringement is intended—all is in good fun. **

**Chapter Twenty-Four: Nightmare**

As twilight fell over Forks, I remained at my post as I had for the rest of the afternoon and early evening—in the towering fir tree a few hundred yards down the path past Charlie's house, in sight of Bella's window. Although she may not want me here, I had to be near her, near enough to hear her heartbeat, near enough to hear her frequent sighs, near enough to hear her stilted conversations with Charlie.

With annoying persistence, Charlie kept questioning Bella about what was obviously wrong. Her mood must still be morose...or, as I couldn't help hoping, perhaps she missed me half as much as I missed her. She replied to his queries in clipped sentences, repeating over and over that nothing was wrong, but the tone of her voice was way off, and Charlie noticed. I could sense the concern inherent in his thoughts as he wondered how a weekend with Alice could have put Bella in such a foul mood.

Finally the eighth time that Charlie asked her what was wrong, Bella blew up at him, a reaction very uncharacteristic for her, and one that shocked Charlie beyond words. After shouting at him that nothing was wrong and to leave her alone, she stomped up the stairs, slamming her bedroom door so fiercely that a picture slid down the wall, the glass in the frame shattering against the wooden floorboards. I heard a muttered curse escape Bella's lips, another unusual reaction.

The situation may have been funny if I hadn't known at whom her anger was truly directed. I sighed, sending silent prayers to heaven that Bella would forgive me. And soon. _Tonight, please_, I prayed.

I could not stand being separated from her in this manner, knowing that she was so frustrated and angry with me. Throughout the evening, my chest continued to ache as my eyes unerringly focused on the light streaming from her bedroom window. Bella lay on her bed, her CD player blasting angry rock music, yet another uncharacteristic action on her part. Perhaps she was attempting to drown out her thoughts. Whatever her motivation, she was successful in disguising the sound I was straining to hear: her heartbeat. The pounding bass of the music completely masked the most beautiful sound in my world: Bella's heartbeat. I felt even more bereft with this loss, but I also recognized that I did not deserve the grace of hearing the one sound that brought me a sense of peace.

Although I may not be able to read Bella's mind, her heartbeat conveyed so much of her life and soul to me. Nothing thrilled me more than the quickening of her heart when I touched her, the leap it made when I kissed her, the slow, peaceful melody indicating the depth of her sleep, safe in my arms. I was so attuned to the sound of Bella's heart that I was certain that I could locate it among hundreds of other hearts from miles away. It was the most significant sound I have ever heard. And the most precious.

After ninety minutes of the blaring music, Bella shut off her CD player and moved to the bathroom, apparently readying herself for bed. The bathroom light flipped on, and I heard the rush of water from the shower. I remained in my perch while she returned to her room. I gained a quick glimpse of Bella's damp hair as she leaned on her windowsill, peering out into the summer darkness. The night was clear; perhaps she was looking at the stars?

She turned slightly, and I gazed hungrily at her face. Her expression remained sad; her full lips were pressed tightly together, and her jaw was still set as if she were clenching her teeth. Her eyes moved restlessly across the yard below her, almost as if she were trying to see something. Was she looking for me? I couldn't dare to hope for such grace. But after a moment or two, she moved from the window, leaving it open, and, switching off the light, she climbed into her bed.

I couldn't help but wonder if the open window was an invitation to me, or if the hot summer night necessitated leaving her window open. And I was too much of a coward to find out. Not tonight.

I continued to keep watch through the night.

Bella did not sleep well. I heard an almost constant rustling of fabric as she tossed and turned in her bed well past midnight. Finally, around two in the morning, she sank into an exhausted sleep, and I was grateful. Her restlessness tore at my heart, for I knew that I was the reason for her sleeplessness. I was simply glad that Bella was gaining some decent rest at long last.

With a contented sigh, I settled more comfortably into my perch, living for each beat of her heart, now slowed to a peaceful measure by her slumber. I tried not to be embarrassed by what I was doing: hiding in a tree, being Bella's "watch-vampire." It was a very good thing that Emmett and Jasper had decided to go hunting together this evening; I would never hear the end of their teasing if they knew what I was doing tonight. Alice probably knew, but she understood my need to protect Bella more than the others did. After all, I couldn't stand be anywhere else; I simply had to be as close to Bella as possible for my own peace of mind.

While I gloried in each restful beat of her generous heart, my mind turned to my earlier conversation with Carlisle. I hoped that his idea would work, and that Bella would listen and perhaps even agree. If she gave me another chance, that is. I sighed, looking toward her darkened window, wishing with all my heart that I was in my usual place: by her side, holding her as she slept in my arms, listening to her sleep-talk, her precious words of "I love you, Edward."

No such words issued from her window this night.

I tried not to allow this omission to bother me; I deserved her anger and the withdrawal (a temporary one, I hoped) of her regard and respect. But the ache in my chest, the ache that reminded me of my separation from my love, throbbed again, and I closed my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose as I attempted to reset my thoughts.

My conversation with Carlisle—that's what I needed to ponder. It was the only hope I had of finding my way back into her room, back into her heart.

Boundaries. I was going to have to set some very firm boundaries for our physical relationship in order to keep my control and not have to push her away from me to keep her safe. And I would have to explain the reasons for these boundaries, these "rules," for lack of a better word, so that Bella would not feel rejected.

I laughed quietly to myself, a laugh of self-mockery. How could Bella possibly feel unwanted? I wanted her with every fiber of my being. If I were human and didn't possess the moral compass resulting from being born at the beginning of the twentieth century, we probably would have progressed fully in our physical relationship: we would already be completely intimate with each other. What's the slang term used by the boys my (supposed) age? We would have "reached home base"? I think that was it. Slang terms change so much from one generation to the next, but the baseball analogy had been in common usage for a few decades at least.

We would have to stick with "first base" only, but with lips firmly closed. I could not safely handle more than that. And I would have to create guidelines for even that minor intimacy. I sighed, frustrated. I didn't want these boundaries in our relationship any more than Bella would, but it seemed to be the best way to retain my sanity and her safety, as well as minimize any hurt feelings.

I was going to have to explain to Bella how very much I wanted her, too, so that she would know how very desirable she was, how her body (as well as her blood) called to me, even sang to me. I doubted that she would believe me; she still did not see herself clearly at all, despite the hundreds of times I have told I loved her, told her that she was beautiful. The words seemed to slip away from her, never truly gaining purchase in her wonderful, bright, confusing mind. I understood this problem to an extent as my family and Bella herself have accused me of the same issue. The inability to see ourselves the same way others do was one of the few similarities I shared with this fragile, lovely human girl.

A change of the sounds emanating from Bella's bedroom caused my thoughts to come to a skidding halt, and I redirected my full attention to the small upstairs room. Hmmmmm...Bella's heart rate was quickening, her breathing coming faster. Was she waking? Dreaming?

I leaned forward, the darkened window consuming my full attention. Bella's heart rate and breathing continued to rise, alarming me. Before I knew what I was doing, I had leaped down from my perch in the fir tree to the forest floor, flashing to stand directly under her window. I paused, listening carefully again, all my senses attuned to Bella.

I heard the rustle of her sheets as she changed position in bed. Within another moment, I detected more rustling—Bella was tossing in her bed, and her heart rate continued to climb.

Then I heard a sound from the room above that spurred me to further action: a strangled sob.

Panicked now, I whisked up the side of the house and through her open window, landing silently on the wooden floor of her room. My eyes were immediately fixed on Bella who was still tossing, the sheets pushed to the foot of her bed by her restlessness. She shifted from her side to her back while I watched, then let out a low moan.

I ghosted to her side, noting as the moonlight shone across her face that her forehead was crinkled in worry or pain, and she let out another sob.

A tear slipped from under her tightly closed eyes.

That one tear seemed to rip a hole right through my frozen heart.

Bella was suffering—having a bad dream of some kind, dreaming something that was causing emotional pain.

Unconsciously I reached toward her, my arms outstretched as if to scoop her into my arms to soothe her.

But after the events of the last twenty-four hours, would she want _me_ here? The thought caused me to pull back, my arms restrained stiffly at my sides. I felt my eyes burning with the pain I was feeling—the pain that her pain caused me, that her pain always caused me.

I couldn't stand seeing Bella in any kind of pain. Her suffering doubled, tripled within my chest, and I felt like sobbing myself, if such an action could have brought me relief.

Bella shifted position, turning to face me, her bed sheet wrinkled under her slight body. Her face was still contorted in pain, and another sob escaped her lips. I knelt before her, my face inches from hers. Another tear slid down from beneath her long lashes, pooling on her pillow.

Again my arms tentatively reached toward her, but I was afraid to wake her, knowing she was still angry with me. Should I wait until she awakes, or should I awaken her myself and save her from whatever she was dreaming of?

I couldn't help thinking in this moment of indecision that here I am, a vampire, attempting to protect this delicate, human girl from a mere bad dream when I should be the stuff of her worst nightmares.

My arms were still stretched toward her, ready to take Bella in my arms, when her entire body convulsed, and she screamed in her sleep. Her eyes flew open, and she immediately threw herself into my arms, great sobs shaking her slender form.

"Ed-d-d-w-w-ard-d-d," Bella gasped as she clutched me, her fingers gripping my shirt with such force that the material at my shoulder split a few stitches.

Despite my surprise at having my angel back in my arms, I quickly grasped the situation and attempted to quiet her racking sobs.

"Ssssshhhh, Bella. You're all right, love. You're safe. You're here in your bed, and you're safe, sweetheart. I love you. You're fine, Bella. It's okay. Everything is fine. Sssshhhhh, Bella love," I crooned in a whisper, listening not only to Bella but to Charlie, wondering if her shout had wakened him. Fortunately, he had stirred briefly, then turned over, returning to his usual dreams of fishing. Thank goodness.

Nothing could separate me from Bella at this moment, and explaining this rather awkward situation of my being in Bella's room in the middle of the night to Charlie was not something I wanted to do. Especially not tonight.

Bella's crying quieted a little as I lifted her to the rocking chair in the corner of her room. I lowered myself into the chair, cradling her to me and rocking her soothingly. She stayed curled in my arms as if she were a small child, and I continued rocking, whispering assurances into her ear and gently pressing kisses into her soft hair.

_How I had missed my girl this long day! _

And gradually she calmed, her heart rate slowing, normalizing, her breathing becoming more regular. And as she breathed easier, I did as well.

_Her pain was my pain. Her heart was my heart. _

"Edward," Bella whispered, "You're here."

"Always, love, always."

She buried her tear-stained face in my cool neck, gulping down a last sob. When she was quiet, I drew my face back a little from hers. Her eyes looked surprised as I peered down at her.

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked quietly, my heart hoping for a negative response.

"No. Stay, please," she whispered back, wrapping both of her arms around my neck and pulling me closer as she repeated, "Stay."

And my heart rejoiced at long last.

**A/N: Please review! I haven't received very many reviews for this story, and I would LOVE to know what you think! **

**Also, I wanted to mention a few of my favorite stories here on so that you all can enjoy them as well. Most of you have probably read them, but I just can't help myself. **

**(Note: Many of these stories have an "M" rating, so if you're under 18 or dislike mature depictions of physical relationships, these stories may not be for you.)**

**Twilight books written from Edward's POV:**

"**Midnight Sun Continued" (remainder of Twilight, picking up from where Stephenie stopped Midnight Sun) by ForksVampireGirl**

"**Dark Side of the Moon" (New Moon) by BlondieAKARobin**

"**Edward's Eclipse" by ForksVampireGirl **

"**Ties That Bind" (most of Breaking Dawn) by NicoleTwilight**

**Mostly "M"-rated romances, many AH:**

"**Wide Awake" by angstgoddess**

"**A World Without Sound" by The Romanticidal Edwardian**

"**Bella Hale" by JulesSC**

"**The List" by LauraACullen**

"**The Submissive," "The Dominant," and "The Training" by tarasueme**

**I'd love to hear your recommendations—what have you LOVED here on ? **

**-Cassandra**


	25. Chapter 25: Pillow Talk

**I just wanted to say thanks for the reviews! Please keep them coming!**

**As always, this world belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I am just enjoying a stroll through her domain. **

**Chapter Twenty-Five: Pillow Talk**

As I rocked my warm and sleepy Bella in my arms, I knew that I had to ask.

"Love?"

"Hmmmm?" she mumbled.

I paused, knowing the answer but needing to hear it anyway. I was such a glutton for punishment—for my own punishment. But still I asked, "What was your dream about?"

Bella stiffened in my arms, all signs of utter relaxation and sleepiness disappearing the instant my question registered. Hiding her face against my chest, she didn't answer.

But I knew. And I spoke his name so low that I wasn't sure that she heard me at first. "James?"

After a pause of her own, Bella nodded ever so slightly against my chest, right where the ache of her pain struck at my silent heart.

"I'm so sorry, love. I wish I could stop the dreams. Or better yet, that I had prevented the actual circumstance." I pressed a kiss into her hair, trying to calm her back to a near-sleep state, cursing myself inwardly for causing her stress by asking the question that I damn well knew the answer to. And then cursing myself for not protecting her in the first place when James pursued her. I never should have put her in danger by dragging her off to that damn baseball game. It was incredibly idiotic of me...

"Stop," came Bella's soft whisper.

"Hmmmm?" I replied, stalling.

"I can feel you berating yourself. I know you're doing it, no matter how many times I tell you that it wasn't your fault." I felt her smile against my chest, but I knew it wasn't a happy smile; it was ironic, wry. "You need to start believing me, Edward."

With her index finger, Bella drew circles on my chest, through my shirt...trying in her own way to calm _me_. Despite the fact that she was the one who woke from a terrifying nightmare mere moments ago, despite the fact that she had nearly died in Phoenix, no thanks to me...I cringed as the thought passed through my mind, as I always did when I thought of her death, a vision that had been sidestepped for now but would occur sometime in her future...in fifty, sixty, seventy years, if I was lucky...

I closed my eyes and swallowed hard, fighting the lump in my throat. Bella continued her calming touch, and I slowly succumbed, following her to a more peaceful state of mind.

"I will make you a deal," I suggested, whispering into her strawberry-scented hair. "I will start believing you when you tell me that what happened in Phoenix wasn't at least partially my fault, when _you_, my love, will start believing _me_ when I tell you how beautiful you are and how much you mean to me."

I pulled back, and she raised her head to look at me, grinning wickedly. "Yeah, right," she scoffed.

"See?" I teased. "We're both impossible." And I smiled at Bella's answering giggle of assent.

Realizing how late it was, I lifted Bella and carried her to her bed. After setting her down, I swiftly straightened the sheets and light quilt that her restlessness had bunched up at the foot of her bed. The early morning summer breeze wafting in her window was cool, and I wanted her to stay warm enough.

Bella lifted her arms to me, and I obeyed her unspoken plea by laying next to her, drawing her into my arms once again. She pillowed her cheek on my chest and sighed happily. As did I.

As her breathing began to slow in preparation for returning to sleep, my mind wandered to our teasing "deal" of mere moments ago. I raised myself up on my elbow to see her face better, and she looked at me curiously, despite her now-relaxed state.

"Do you have any idea how much I love you, Bella?" I whispered in her ear as my cold fingers caressed her lovely face. "Do you have any idea how much you have changed me?" I watched her face flush pink with the beautiful blush I loved, but she didn't answer as she attempted to hide her face against my chest. I prayed that she would hear me this time, that she would _truly_ understand the immense transformation she had wrought in me.

"I have been alone for so long, Bella. For over eighty years. And for almost all of that time, I have been surrounded by multiple pairs of perfectly-matched lovers. Carlisle found Esme shortly after he created me. Rosalie wasn't far behind, and Emmett not long after that. It was a while before Alice and Jasper joined us, but I have always been the odd-man out. Esme worried that Carlisle had changed me when I was too young—too young to find love."

I cleared my throat, my adopted mother's love and concern touching me, as it always did. Esme knew me better than anyone, even better than Carlisle or Alice. She was the one who understood fully how I had suffered through those years, and she may have been the only one who comprehended that when I struck out on my own, it wasn't merely to satisfy my thirst for human blood—it was also to escape the loving thoughts of Carlisle and Esme which drove me to envy at times and to despair at others. I sighed, then returned to my story.

"But then I found you, love, and my life went from the deepest, blackest night to being lit with the most beautiful of stars—the Evening Star—the star by which sailors have navigated their ships for centuries, by which travelers have found their way safely through the darkest of nights. You are that star, Bella, the perfect Evening Star, and now my life is altered beyond recognition. I now know happiness, contentment, joy, and true love. I am no longer the loner, the unmatched one, the odd-man out. I have you, and my life is now and forever complete." My eyes warmed with my eternal love for this human girl, and as I stared into her brown eyes, the love that shone from my eyes seemed to melt hers as Bella's tears gathered, her emotions reacting to my words.

"I love you with all of my heart, Isabella Swan, and I will love you every moment of my existence. Nothing can ever change that. I will love you to the very end of time—for all eternity." As my words stopped, I lowered my lips to hers, gently kissing her.

And this kiss possessed no urgency, no passion. It was a heart-deep expression of my love for her, and of her love for me. It was chaste, pure, and very sweet.

When I raised my head, I was not surprised to see her tears continuing to flow. I felt a pricking sensation in the inner corners of my eyes; if I were able to weep tears of joy, my tears would be mingling with hers at this moment. Instead, I smiled warmly at her, again expressing my love to her wordlessly, and she smiled back through her tears. She laughed softly as I kissed the tears, then her eyelids, and finally her nose. She giggled again.

I peeked at her window and saw the barest lightening of the darkness, signaling the coming of daybreak. "You need sleep, my love." And I lay down beside her again, gathering her into my arms. Bella nestled against me, burrowing her nose into my chest, and I smiled, content at last after such a very long day apart and such powerful emotions that had tormented me yet had brought such inexpressible joy that I felt as if I were overflowing with her love and the grace of her body tucked against mine.

Moments later, she was asleep, and as I held her close to my icy body, I sighed with utter happiness.

Thankful that today was a Sunday, I let Bella sleep, contentedly holding her close through the early morning hours, only moving around six when I sensed Charlie outside of Bella's room, his hand on the doorknob. Slipping swiftly and silently behind the bedroom door just as he opened it, I held my breath as he looked in on Bella before leaving for an early day of fishing.

Charlie stood there, watching his daughter sleep, for several minutes, much longer than was usual. Although I could only gain glimpses of the complex workings of his mind, I caught that he was still feeling remorse over badgering her yesterday. She had neglected to go downstairs to tell him goodnight after she had stomped away from him last night, and her omission troubled him.

Correctly he attributed her moodiness yesterday to me, guessing that I must have upset her before she left the Cullens' to return home. And I accepted his blame readily. Her bad mood and stiff silences were completely my fault; I knew it all too well.

After our return from Phoenix, it was quite obvious that I was at the rock bottom of Charlie's "favorite person" list. He blamed me, and again rightly so, for Bella's leaving that night during spring break, for the ugly words she had spoken to him, and for her subsequent injuries. His logic was thus: If I hadn't upset her, she wouldn't have left, and then she wouldn't have been hurt. Two plus two equals four—it was simple as anything.

And although Bella disagreed with her father the few times he brought it up, she also knew that I fully agreed with him.

In addition, I recognized that he was ecstatic that Bella's new job would prevent her from spending so much time with me over the summer holidays. Instead, she would be spending hours each day with Mike Newton, a "nice kid" in Charlie's book—someone that I was not, in his opinion.

In his book, I was trouble. I was danger.

And I knew it far better than he did.

Charlie perceived much more than Bella knew; he wisely kept his suppositions quiet for the most part, recognizing that she would defend me every time he brought it up and that it would drive a wedge between them.

Smart man.

After gazing on his peacefully-sleeping daughter for several minutes more, Charlie sighed, then quietly closed Bella's bedroom door before heading downstairs then out the door. I heard the police car start, then drive away.

We were alone.

I whisked back to Bella's bed and carefully wrapped her in my embrace once again. I tried to push Charlie's concerns out of my mind, but this morning's earlier contentment had fled. I felt keyed up, even anxious.

It didn't help that I knew that Bella and I would have to talk today about Carlisle's suggestions. And knowing my passionate girl, she was not going to be especially pleased with the idea of distinct boundaries in our physical relationship.

I knew I wasn't. But if this was the way to find balance, the peace for which we were both striving, it would be worth it.

I guess.

But I knew that we both wanted more and were impatient to gain it.

Damn.

Unconsciously I drew Bella more tightly against the wall of my chest, and she shifted slightly in her sleep, burrowing her head into my chest and grasping a fistful of my shirt. In a moment she relaxed a little, and I heard her heart rate lower to her deepest level of slumber.

Aaaaah, this beautiful, passionate woman I held in my arms! I wanted her as I have wanted nothing or no one else in my life. My mind wandered once again to Alice's vision of Bella as one of us, her eyes a dark gold, her pale, still face impassive—an image that I both dreaded and anticipated.

I could not wait to marry Bella and make her mine, to possess her body the way I possessed her spirit, mind, and soul. But I knew that our physical union would only be possible once she became immortal; otherwise, I could kill her.

Not "could." "Would." I _would_ kill her. No question about it.

But her intoxicating scent, her tempting body, her passionate kisses and caresses—all of these elements of Bella beckoned me, at present more insistently than her blood. Her body sang for me in a new way—desiring me to possess her rather than consume her.

And I imagined taking her physically far more than was proper.

Yes, I had the body of a seventeen-year-old boy, and sex was just about the only topic on the minds of boys my supposed age, as I knew all too well from my seemingly-endless years of high school. But I had hoped that a century of learning, of thinking and philosophizing, of becoming what I hoped was a better, more mature being, would trump teenage desires.

No such luck.

However, I had learned quite a lot about self-control, and lately I have found myself exercising it far more than I ever thought possible, especially since Bella's return from Phoenix.

Yet my self-control had never been tested the way it was pushed to its limit over these last few days. I was proud that thus far I had resisted, but I also knew how damn close I had come to taking Bella Friday night and again Saturday morning.

Far too close. I sighed, dejected.

Somehow I had to lower the threshold in our physical relationship...and do so without making Bella feel rejected or unloved. Rather, I had to help her to see how outrageously desirable she was and how I worshiped her—body, mind, and spirit.

I sighed again, and the arm not wrapped around Bella moved suddenly as I brought my free hand to my face, rubbing along my temple in frustration before pinching the bridge of my nose, always a sure sign of stress.

As the sunlight, diffused by the thick cloud cover so common in Forks, streamed through her window late that morning, Bella began to stir, and I knew that the time had come to talk.

It was not going to be easy.

But it had to be done.

**A/N – Thanks again for reading and reviewing! The more reviews, the quicker I write and post the next chapter! :) **

**Love you all—thanks for supporting me and **_**Evening Star**_**!**

**-Cassandra :)**


	26. Chapter 26: Work and Play

**Disclaimer: All belongs to the brilliant Ms. Meyer, not to me. **

**Chapter Twenty-Six: Work and Play**

Bella stretched lazily, humming as she awoke and opened her eyes. "Hey," she greeted me, her voice rough with sleep.

I pulled her more snugly against my chest. "Hey yourself. How did you sleep?"

She groaned. "I assume you mean _after_ the killer nightmare?"

My smile faded at her word choice. "Killer, indeed," I hissed in a voice too low for her to hear. But I knew she picked up on my mumbling and the shift in my mood.

Bella groaned again. "You know I didn't mean it _that_ way," she mumbled as she slid her body atop of mine, wrapping her slender arms around my frigid neck.

"I know," I replied quietly as I massaged her back soothingly.

Mischief in her eyes, Bella leaned in, pressing her lips to mine. I responded enthusiastically, allowing myself to fully absorb the subtle joy of having Bella in my arms and kissing her. But just as her warm tongue flicked temptingly against my lips, begging for entrance, I felt as well as heard her stomach rumble.

Thankful for the interruption, I broke the kiss, smiling up into her beautiful face. "Breakfast for the human?" I teased, repeating my suggestion from that first morning in her room. I glanced toward her bedside clock and chuckled," But perhaps I should rephrase: _Brunch_ for the human?"

Bella twisted quickly in my arms to look at the clock. "11:30? Wow..."

In a flash I scooped her into my arms and got to my feet, ready to carry her downstairs. But I had gotten ahead of myself and paused.

"A human moment first?" I asked, smiling down at her.

Bella blushed in my arms as she replied, "Please."

I gently set her on her feet, and she scampered to the bathroom as I sat down on her bed to wait. When the bathroom door opened again, I whisked her back into my arms, rushing down the stairs to the kitchen where I deposited her into one of the mismatched chairs at the small kitchen table.

"So, what's for brunch," she asked, smiling, obviously remembering our first morning together as well.

I opened the refrigerator, scanning its contents before replying, "How about scrambled eggs?" I wasn't much of a cook, but I have mastered a few simple dishes in our months together, and preparing food for Bella brought me a sense of satisfaction. It was one practical way in which she allowed me to take care of her without threatening her stubborn independence.

"Sure. Eggs sound great," she answered.

Bella watched from the table as I gathered the eggs and milk from the refrigerator and made her brunch. While the eggs in the pan were bubbling and solidifying on the stove, I pulled out a small basket of berries. After washing and slicing them, I placed them in a small glass bowl and added half-and-half and a sprinkling of sugar, finishing just in time to give the eggs one last scramble and grab the toast that had just sprung up from the toaster, buttering it quickly before serving her simple meal along with a glass of milk.

"Thanks, Edward—this is great!" Bella said after swallowing her first bite of eggs.

"It was nothing," I answered quietly.

Bella's voice was gentle as she scolded me. "No, it's not 'nothing,' Edward. It means a lot to me that you rise about your disgust for human food in order to make me a lovely meal. So, _thank you_." She deliberately stressed the last two words, subtly daring me to respond in such a way again.

If a vampire were capable of blushing, I would have turned four shades of pink at her words. But instead I managed a fairly calm, "You're welcome, love" as she smiled approvingly at me.

As she ate, I debated about starting the difficult discussion that we needed to have very soon. But as I observed her bright eyes, her smiling lips, and the happiness emanating from her as she ate, I just couldn't be responsible for ruining her sunshiny mood this morning. Instead, I resolved that I would speak to her this afternoon—definitely this afternoon. Part of me berated myself for being a coward, but the rest of me sighed in thanksgiving that I didn't have to broach the painful subject quite yet.

Bella made quick work of her simple brunch before practically skipping upstairs to dress. I smiled as I watched her exuberant mood as she disappeared around the corner atop the stairs and into her room. She was my sunshine—she was the warmth that my icy cold world had lacked for nearly a century. And while I recognized that the rays of her sunshine might dim as we discussed the new parameters for our relationship, it was a risk I would have to take.

There seemed to be no other acceptable way.

I heard Bella move from her bedroom to the bathroom to do her hair, humming her lullaby under her breath, and I smiled a little sadly. She was so sweet, so innocent, so trusting, so loving. I hated being forced to have this talk with her, hated to see the sadness and the frustration that would mar the visage of the most beautiful person on the face of the planet.

Bella bounced down the stairs, and reluctantly I rose to my feet. She came to an unsteady halt in front of me, and I wrapped my arms around her to aid her uncertain balance. She clung to my arms as she regained her equilibrium, then grinned at me.

Smiling down at her, I asked, "So, love, what are your plans for today?"

She leaned her warm cheek against my icy chest, just above my silent heart. "Nothing much. If you have stuff to do, I'm going to clean the house for Charlie. But I'm really hoping that we can spend my last day of freedom together." She winked, and her playful mood removed the sting of her words as I swallowed a bit hard, dreading the next day than I could express.

"How about this? We clean the house quickly, then go to our meadow for a couple of hours?"

Bella raised her head to kiss the side of my neck, and I nearly shivered with the pleasure of her warm lips against my stone-like skin. "Sounds perfect. I would have felt a little guilty if I didn't clean today. I want the house to be especially nice before I start work tomorrow."

Above her head where she couldn't see, I allowed myself a grimace. I detested the idea of Bella working at all, much less in close proximity to Mike Newton who didn't seem to comprehend the word _no_. Perhaps I needed to have a chat with him before Bella starts work tomorrow...

Reluctantly, I released Bella from my arms. "Shall we get to work?"

Bella handed me a long-handled dust mop and directed me to sweep the wooden floors upstairs and down while she tackled the bathroom. I followed her up the stairs, carrying the plastic tote of cleaning supplies for her despite her objections.

I managed to dust mop the entire house, dust all the furniture in both bedrooms plus the living room, sweep the back porch steps, empty all the trash cans, and scrub down the kitchen before she finished cleaning the one bathroom. Although she grumbled a little at the speed with which I worked, she was happy to have all the housework completed in a mere half-hour.

Only a few moments later we were walking hand-in-hand across her lawn and down the forest path until we were out of sight of all humans. Then I helped her onto my back, and she buried her face in my neck, covering her eyes to keep motion sickness at bay. I ran swiftly and carefully, keeping my strides as smooth as possible for Bella's sake. In mere minutes we were in our meadow once again.

I had come prepared this time, setting down a covered basket before helping Bella off my back and onto her feet. Opening the basket, I flung a plaid blanket onto the grass in the center of the meadow, and Bella flopped down, lying on her back. I spread out beside her, and she nestled into my side, our joined hands on my stomach.

Relaxing, both of us watched the slightly darker low clouds flit past us, their shapes ever-changing against the paler high clouds above. Bella pointed out a dragon, a poodle, and a butterfly in flight while I basked in her presence, my senses far more attuned to the lovely girl beside me than to the cloud pictures morphing above us.

She was so indescribably beautiful, my Bella. Her eyes were lit with excitement as she recognized different figures above us, her face set in a gentle smile, the delicate skin of her face and throat slightly flushed with enthusiasm and occasional laughter. I grinned at her high spirits and her silliness; she practically glowed in response. Lying here on a wool blanket, her hair tugged into a sloppy ponytail after her rough night, wearing no makeup, a worn hoodie, jeans with holes in the knee, and ancient Converse sneakers, she had never looked so beautiful, or so carefree. Sheer happiness flowed from her and engulfed me as well, her joy undiluted by any negative emotion.

I was dazzled into wordlessness by her beauty—certainly far more bedazzled than I had ever done to her.

As much as I hated to disturb her joyful mood this afternoon, I knew that time was short and I had to do so; I had already postponed this talk several times today. I tensed slightly, my chest heavy with dread.

Of course Bella, ever intuitive, noticed.

She raised herself onto her elbow to see my face better. "What is it, Edward?" she asked, the smile fading from her beautiful visage, concern taking its place.

_There was no time like the present, _I scolded myself.

And I took a deep breath, forcing myself to start the discussion that could make us or break us...

**Please do review, review, review~I adore reviews more than the sweets I have given up for Lent! (And today is the final day of Lent! Six weeks: no chocolate or candy or sugar or any kind!)**

**Wishing you all a blessed Easter~enjoy your families! **

**And for those of you who are Christians: **_**He is risen, indeed! Alleluia! **_

**Love to you all,**

**Cassandra :)**


	27. Chapter 27: Setting Boundaries

**Everything Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I just enjoy playing in her sandbox. :)**

**Chapter Twenty-Seven: Setting Boundaries**

I looked up into Bella's beautiful face from my recumbent position on the blanket, noting her furrowed brow, a sure sign of worry. I let out the breath I was holding in a rush, sucking in another deep breath to calm myself, to prepare myself for this difficult conversation on which hinged so much...everything, in fact.

Raising myself to a sitting position, I reached for Bella's soft, warm hands, and immediately I felt comforted by her touch. Shifting herself to sit in front of me, her forehead wrinkled more deeply in anxiety. Eyes wide, she cleared her throat awkwardly before whispering, "Edward, what is it?" Seeming unwilling to maintain our eye contact, she looked down at our joined hands and murmured, "You're scaring me."

"No, no, Bella," I rushed to assure her. "There's nothing to be scared of, love. I promise."

She took a deep, calming breath but kept her eyes averted. "Then what's going on?" she asked in a small voice.

"I need to speak to you regarding an important issue." I realized that I sounded more like a businessman than a seventeen-year-old boy in love, but then, _I was hardly either seventeen nor a boy_, I thought derisively.

Bella glanced up at me through her long lashes, a little wary, but said nothing, allowing me to talk.

Starting this conversation was harder, much harder than I thought it would be. I loved Bella with every part of my being, but I had to draw a line here, for her safety first, but also for my own sanity. It was difficult enough to hold her all night and keep ourselves chaste, but kissing her deeply and pushing the boundaries of our physical relationship was so wonderful...and so potentially deadly. I loved my Bella too much to risk killing her by allowing our physical relationship to progress any further. As much as I wanted Bella, I was struggling as it was with some of what we were doing in our more passionate moments.

Despite my century of existence on this earth and the wisdom I had gathered over the years, physically I am still a seventeen-year-old boy who wants his girlfriend in every way possible. I want to be as close to her as we can be, and the sexual tension between us keeps building and building. But my control, which Bella trusts implicitly, is far from perfect, and I hunger for both her body and for her blood in ways that both excite and frighten me. But how to explain it to her?

I was going to have to put the blame right where it belonged—on myself—and confess my weakness like a man. I almost smiled at the irony of acting "like a man" in this situation, but I had no choice now; I had to tell her somehow.

Gathering my courage, my thoughts, and my words, I took another deep breath and looked Bella squarely in the eyes, trying very hard not to lose my train of thought while drowning in the warm, chocolate depths of her loving but concerned gaze.

"Bella, I am struggling, sweetheart," I breathed.

She held my intense gaze, her eyebrows raising in confusion. "With what?" she asked, also in a whisper.

"With wanting you."

Bella drew back a little, totally clueless. "What do you mean?"

I leaned toward her, earnestly gazing into her beautiful eyes. "You know the monster that I am, how I want you in ways dangerous for you."

"Do you mean that I make you thirsty?" she asked, puzzled. It still astonished me that she could discuss my monstrous propensities so coolly. Her acceptance of what I am continues to astound me. I regathered my errant thoughts and attempted to continue.

"Yes and no. Well, more like yes and yes."

Bella looked both confused and a little frustrated. "Edward, please just spit it out. You can tell me anything. You can tell me _everything_. But I'm not sure what you mean."

Leaning my head forward, I closed my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose between my thumb and fingers. Then suddenly words were flowing from me, tumbling over one another in a rush as often happens when I am upset. It also helped that I wasn't looking at Bella while I spoke.

"Bella, it's just too hard for me. Kissing you as we have been. Being so close to you, touching you, and being with you like we have been lately. And I know you want more—you could have a human boyfriend who could be with you this way and would not turn you away, but I cannot trust myself with you...and you definitely should not trust yourself with me. _Never,_ Bella," I emphasized. "I don't trust myself with you. Not one bit."

Not sure that I was making any kind of sense, I raised agonized eyes to meet her surprised yet loving face as my words continued to pour out.

"Bella, I want you. So badly. In every way that a man can want a woman. But that's the problem. I'm not a man; I'm a monster. And it's not a matter of _if_ I will hurt or kill you; it's truly a matter of _when_ I will hurt or kill you if we keep on progressing in our relationship the way we have been. I want it...I want _you_...so much. I yearn to be that close to you, that intimate with you. Although I am dead and frozen, you have brought me to life. I love you. And I burn for you, Bella. You are so beautiful and desirable, and I want you. But two things stop me, and they are insurmountable."

Opening my eyes, I saw that her expression was gentle with understanding, her eyes silently encouraging me to continue.

"I have been very close to injuring you, Bella, when we're together this weekend. In fact, I almost bit you..." My voice faded to a whisper as I confessed, "I wanted to bite you. So badly."

I sucked in another breath and forced myself to continue. "I can't keep kissing you the way we have been, or continue exploring our physical relationship, Bella. Not while you're human. It's not safe, sweetheart; it's too dangerous for you."

I glanced at her again, and her eyes were different, almost as if she were calculating a difficult algebraic equation. She was concentrating on my words yet preparing her own.

In a low voice and gazing steadily into her beautiful eyes, I explained, "And there is another problem. You see, I was raised in a different time, Bella, and while I love being with you in the ways we've explored together, I also know, from my heart of hearts, that we need to wait, to put a hold on our exploration of each other." I was not certain how she would accept this thought; it was so old-fashioned compared to the morals (or lack thereof) in Bella's world. But I took another deep breath and spoke out plainly, so that there could be no confusion.

"Bella, love, we need to postpone a more physical relationship until we marry."

With my last few words, I watched her eyes shift, perhaps harden a little. Her brows rushed together as she exclaimed loudly, "Well, I'm not going to marry you now, Edward! For god's sake, I'm only seventeen! There is no way on this earth that I am marrying at seventeen!"

As she tried to pull her hands from my grasp, I held them gently but firmly, fighting a little annoyance of my own as I assured her, "I'm not proposing, Bella. I'm just trying to explain why I can't let our physical relationship progress and why we may even have to take a few steps backward." But I also could not rid myself of the hurt of her outright rejection. Obviously the thought of marrying me had never crossed her mind.

Bella calmed a little at my words but still seemed disgruntled. "Oh, okay," she grumbled.

I continued, trying to quell the disappointment her reaction had caused. "I need for us to decide on some boundaries, to keep you safe. I don't want you to always feel as though I am rejecting you, Bella. You must understand," I spoke with emphatic earnestness, "I want you so badly, in a way that I have never wanted anyone ever before. You know that I hear it all, Bella—the sexual thoughts of humans over the past eighty-some years, images running through their heads almost continually. And I've always merely pushed such thoughts away, never considering that such thoughts might ever have a place in my life. Then I met you, and immediately I wanted your life, not your mind or body."

My voice softened, and I could feel my eyes gentle as they gazed into hers. "But as I came to know you, you entranced me. And I wanted to draw closer to your beautiful mind and spirit, and, yes, to your body as well. Our touch is electric—something I noticed even in the few seconds I held you when that van tried to claim your life. And I want to explore that electric touch, so much. I only wish I were human for you, so that you could be safe, so that you wouldn't be endangering your very life by being close to me."

"And now those intimate thoughts, which I had always dismissed somewhat derisively, were _my_ _thoughts_. I cannot stop thinking about you, Bella, in every way possible." I could feel the heat of her deep blush warming my own face as she shyly glanced down into her lap. "I need you to realize that even though I must draw these boundaries, I do it to protect you—to protect your life—and not at all because I don't want you. Quite the opposite, in fact."

Bella raised her head. Her eyes looked both understanding and a little sad. "I understand, Edward. I really do. I don't want to make our relationship more difficult for you than it already is. I do want to be with you—just because you're _you_. I have never wanted this kind of relationship with anyone else before. But I understand that our relationship is out of the ordinary, and I'll accept any boundaries that will make this easier for you."

I felt a rush of both love and sorrow at her words. Bella was always having to give up something in order to be with me. It simply didn't seem fair to her. She was forced by what I was to take her life in her hands every time she was in my presence, every time we touched. Here she was, beautiful and pure, and she not only understood but also accepted without complaint the limitations that my monstrous existence demanded of her. And she was willing to go without the type of relationship that most of her friends had, simply to be with me. Guilt, strong and insistent, enveloped me; I shut my eyes for a moment against the powerful shame coursing through me. When I opened them, I saw before me my angel, my Bella, who was willing to be with me, no matter what.

And I thanked God for her patience and understanding.

Then as her eyes rose to meet mine, doubts assailed me and I lowered my gaze for the first time, speaking in the merest whisper, "Are you certain, Bella? You could have so much more with anyone else. You could have a normal, human relationship with any of the myriad boys who want you. It just doesn't seem right, asking you to give up so much." Deep sadness permeated my voice, but I couldn't quell the strong emotions that were rising in me, causing me to doubt my strength to draw and keep the necessary boundaries that a safe relationship between us demanded.

Bella's soft index finger touched under my chin, and I allowed her to tip my head up so that our eyes could meet again. I felt unsure of what I would see in her beautiful brown depths, but the love and resolve there would have quickened my silent heart if such a thing were possible.

"Edward, I love you. I love _only you_. I don't want a 'normal, human relationship' at all—I only want to be with you. So if we have to wait, then we have to wait. It's simple, really."

I shook my head, negating her words gently. "Whatever our relationship is, it's _not_ simple, Bella."

"Staying with you is simple. I can't imagine my life without you, Edward. You have no idea," she said softly but emphatically as she averted her gaze from mine.

"Oh, I think I do have 'an idea.' I cannot face a future without you in it, Bella. Such a thought rips my entire being apart. I just want to be sure that _you_' are certain about having to regress our relationship."

"Well, I don't love the idea; that's for sure," she muttered. Then she raised her eyes to mine again and spoke clearly and with emphasis, "But I will do anything and everything to keep you." She frowned for a moment. "Does this mean that we can't hug? Can't kiss? That you can't stay with me at night? That you can't touch me at all?"

"No, Bella," I assured her quickly. "We're just going to have to pull back a little."

Relief flooded her face, and she nodded at me to continue.

I quickly considered what I could handle easily and what I could not. "We can still touch and embrace, but I may have to pull back if it gets to be too much. Just know that I am not rejecting you; I am simply letting you know that I am weak, Bella. My control is weak, and I need to back off to keep you safe. All right?"

She nodded.

"I can still stay with you at night, but if it gets difficult, then you may wake to find me in the rocking chair rather than with you."

"Okay," she agreed softly.

"And I think we can kiss, if you stay still and we keep our mouths closed. When you press your body against mine when we kiss, it's too tempting. _You_ are too tempting."

Bella frowned, and I asked her what she was thinking. "Well," she said slowly, "I can't help wanting to be near you. I'll try to not get too close while we kiss, but you can't blame a girl for trying."

I smiled at her weak attempt at humor, but nothing about this topic was humorous in the least to me. "If you get too close, you must understand that when I pull away, it's not because I want to, but because I have to. I will keep you safe," I vowed.

"What else?" she asked, wary.

"No hands under clothes for either of us. No removing clothing, unbuttoning shirts, and so on."

She frowned again yet teased me, "You take all the fun out of life."

I grinned at her, teasing back. "I know." But I sighed, too. These boundaries were going to test me just as much or more than her.

Bella quickly agreed, "I know. It's not going to be easy, but I will try. But you will also have to understand that I may push at the boundaries from time to time," she smirked.

I grinned again, relieved at the progress we've made, thrilled that she was willing to stay with me under these conditions. "I wouldn't expect anything less of you, love."

I leaned forward to press my lips to hers, and Bella scooted into my lap. It felt wonderful to cradle her in my arms, to feel her heart quicken against my chest.

"Welcome home," I whispered between kisses, holding her face in my hands.

"Home is wherever you are," she replied, breathless.

**A/N: So there it is. I'm not real happy with this chapter, but I'm also sick of worrying about it, so I"ll let it go and move on through our summer. And Bella also needs to start bugging Edward about becoming a vampire, too, doesn't she?**

**I'd love some reviews! Reviews make me sooooo happy and also make me write faster! (hint, hint!)**


	28. Chapter 28: Another Topic

All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer; I am merely playing in her lovely world.

I'm sorry for the lateness of this post. I have been very busy designing and teaching new online Shakespeare courses, so my weekends have been quite busy dealing with work. Yes, even on the weekends...

Please review...you make me soooo happy when you do!

**Chapter Twenty-Eight: Another Topic **

After a long, sweet kiss, Bella loosed her arms from around my neck and leaned back to glance up at me. "Can I talk to you about something, too?" she asked.

"You know you can—about anything," I assured her, trying not to worry as I noted the serious expression on her face.

Bella looked down at her hands in her lap, seeming to avoid my gaze. "I'm afraid that you might get mad at me," she said softly.

Her reluctance to look at me caused anxiety to quicken my breaths. But I rushed to calm her concerns despite my own worry.

"Love, really. I won't be angry."

"Promise?" she asked, still not looking up.

"Promise." I leaned forward to place a gentle kiss on her warm, blushing cheek.

"We haven't talked about it all summer...not really since Prom. And I just wanted you to know that I haven't forgotten," she almost whispered, ducking her head further.

I had an inkling of her topic now, and my lips folded into a displeased line that fortunately she didn't see with her face averted.

"I think we can solve this dilemma," she continued in the same low voice. "You know, make things easier for you." She finally looked up, a wistful expression crossing her face. Before she could notice my displeasure, I wiped my own facial expression to one of blank calm. But as I searched her face, I noticed a hardness in her usually soft brown eyes which denoted her stubbornness all too clearly. I repressed a frustrated sigh.

"I know what you're thinking," I spoke slowly, and recognized a hard note in my own voice that was rarely present when I spoke to her. "And I won't do it. I won't let it happen to you. The rest of us...we had no choice in the matter. It was death...or this 'life,' or whatever it is. But you have a choice that we did not have. You cannot take that choice lightly, Bella."

"But becoming like you would solve everything! We could be together, the way we want to. And being with me wouldn't be a struggle for you any more. It makes perfect sense," she pleaded.

"Isabella, I will not be responsible for your death or for the loss of your soul," I ground out between clenched teeth. "Think about your father, your mother, your friends, Bella. You would never be able to see them again. Ever. You would have no life. I can't let that happen to you. I won't let it happen. And that's final."

Bella sighed. "I knew you would be angry," she whispered. Her eyes were defiant, but I could see tears beginning to gather along the rims, and her face suddenly looked like that of a young child in its sadness.

Unclenching my rigid jaw, I felt my anger melt under her sorrowful expression. I closed my eyes for a moment, willing myself to calm down and not take out my anger on her. It wasn't Bella's fault that she didn't understand the repulsive act she was pleading for since I had hidden the monster in me all too well, withholding vital information from Bella in order to not alarm her. All she saw was the exterior beauty of myself and my family; she didn't see the horror of the bloodthirsty beings we were...or the terror we produced—or our "mistakes" when temptation overpowered us. We played our parts all-too-well around her, and that was our fault. My fault. I couldn't be angry at her for not understanding, but I also wasn't going to explain in any more detail to her than was absolutely necessary. Bella didn't need even more nightmares waking her when she was already experiences horrific visions of James at night far too often.

Gently I cupped her lovely, fragile face between my icy palms. "I love you too much to allow you to give up everything for me, Bella. I'm sorry, but it's simply not an option. We'll work on controlling ourselves better, love, and everything can be as it has been," I assured her.

She looked at me sadly. "Can we? Can we continue loving each other when we're so different?"

I pulled her close to my cold, silent chest. "Of course we can, love," I assured her with more conviction than I felt myself.

Her head was tucked under my chin so that I couldn't see her expression, but I felt her body relax slightly in my arms. I leaned toward her, gently capturing her lips in a sweet kiss, one that she returned softly at first. But as the kiss continued, Bella reached her small fingers to the nape of my neck as she pressed herself against me feverishly, parting her lips slightly as she tried to deepen the kiss.

I froze for a moment, then carefully broke the kiss, unwrapping her arms from around my neck and putting as much distance between our bodies as I could with her sitting in my lap. Bella looked up at me, her eyes slightly unfocused for a moment before understanding lit her expression, then chagrin. "Oops," she whispered, her fingers touching her lips, now reddened by our kiss.

I chuckled humorlessly, holding my breath for a minute before drawing in enough air to respond, "Yes, I think 'oops' just about covers it."

Bella smiled, "Well, I guess you get to be the responsible one since I seem to be unable to think clearly at times like these."

"Wonderful," I groaned sarcastically, knowing that my control was scarcely stronger than hers, despite my immortality and super-human strength.

Bella clambered awkwardly off my lap and to her feet, then held out her hand to help me up. I stared at her proffered hand, frowning. Why would _I_ need help up?

She smiled widely, and my silent heart tightened at her unconscious beauty. _Her smile lights my world_, I thought, laughing inwardly at my sentimentality. _I would do almost anything to see that smile._

"I thought I ought to go home before 'responsibility' becomes too difficult...for both of us," she grinned.

"If you weren't challenging my 'responsibility,' then we wouldn't have a problem," I half-grumbled, half-teased. "You need to behave yourself, love."

"But where's the fun in that?" she quipped.

Deliberately I sighed dramatically, causing her to laugh. "Okay, on my back," I directed her, and she rolled her eyes in mock-horror.

I took one more glance around our meadow, feeling a mixture of both sadness and elation as I helped Bella situate herself, her legs wrapped snugly around my waist and her face buried in my shoulder with her eyes closed so that she wouldn't become dizzy. I gloried in having her so close to me, of being her strength as we raced through the forest.

And thus we flew back to Forks...and to reality.

After helping her to dismount awkwardly from my back, her legs shaking slightly after my run, Bella and I strolled hand-in-hand along the path from the forest to her house. As we both noted (with a groan) the presence of Charlie's cruiser in the driveway, we stopping in our tracks. Charlie wasn't usually home on Sundays until dinnertime or later, and now if was around four in the afternoon. Gazing at the unwelcome sight, we looked at one another, silently asking, _What do we do?_

"Maybe I'd better spend the rest of the afternoon and the evening with my dad," Bella said, her voice discouraged. "After all, I start work tomorrow, and I won't be seeing him as much as I usually do."

A stab of jealousy took my breath away for a moment, but I swallowed the painful sensation and murmured, "And you won't be seeing as much of me, either."

Bella's face paled at the implied criticism. "Edward, you know that I need this job. The truck eats gas like crazy, and I need to start saving up for college. Charlie doesn't have any money except his retirement fund, which I refuse to touch, and Renee has always told me to earn lots of scholarships as she can't help me with college, either. So this job is very important to me, Edward." She looked up at me through her thick lashes, her hands tightening in mine before whispering, "You understand, don't you?"

My jaw was set in a hard line. I knew that this need for money was Bella's main reason for wanting this job, but I wished with all my heart that she would allow me to give her gas money and pay her college tuition for her. But she had nearly come unglued when I offered her money, merely a small pittance when compared to the vast funds available to me as a Cullen. It was one of the few times I had seen Bella truly angry with me, and I was not eager for a repeat performance.

Of course, I should have expected such a reaction, as Alice had scolded me later that evening. If my girl will barely allow me to take her to a nice restaurant for dinner and won't allow me to purchase the merest trifle to give her as a gift, of course she would not refuse my offer of money for her basic needs and for her college fund. It was embarrassing enough to be chewed out by Bella, but to have my sister (and then my mother) chastise me as well... I shook my head in chagrin at the memory. I would not make that mistake twice.

Although I usually admired Bella's stubborn independence, I was not at all pleased about this job that not only took her away from me for hours at a time, but also cheered Charlie to no end as Bella spent time with Mike Newton rather than with me. I trusted Bella implicitly; Newton...not in the least. I did not want him anywhere near my love, much less in an intimate work environment with her. Newton had a difficult time hearing the word _no_, and Bella was too naïve to understand his many plans and machinations to get close to her. He clearly admired her...all too clearly. And I had to admit that I was seven shades of green with jealousy at the hours he would spend in her presence...time that should have been _mine_ to spend with Bella. I nearly growled at the thought, but held it back at the last minute so that I wouldn't upset Bella.

Obviously I couldn't confess my present thoughts to Bella; my offering to pay her daily expenses plus her college tuition would only anger her again, and she would never suspect her father of such a nefarious scheme to separate us. I sighed, allowing my expression to relax.

"Yes, I know, love," was all I said.

Bella stepped forward to embrace me, and I wrapped my arms around her, holding her to my silent heart. I hated every moment I spent away from her presence, but at times, such separations were unavoidable. But it didn't mean that I had to like being away from Bella.

"Spend some time with your brothers this evening," she encouraged, her voice muffled against my chest. "You spend so much time with me that I think they're missing you." She stepped away from me then, her hands on my forearms.

"Yes, you're right, love," I whispered, my right hand reaching up to cup her delicate cheekbones as a blush spread across her face. "I'll be back tonight around ten, all right?"

Placing her warm hand atop my cool one against her face, Bella smiled half-heartedly. "I'll be waiting," she said, leaning up to press a chaste kiss to my lips before turning away.

I watched her walk across the lawn, then bound up the porch steps...thankfully without tripping. She stopped at the door to give me a sad little wave which I returned just as reluctantly. Calling a greeting to her father as she opened the front door, Bella disappeared into the house, moving toward the kitchen to start Charlie's dinner.

I sighed, inwardly arguing with myself. My heart told me to stay here, hidden in the forest trees, to listen to Bella's evening with her father and to make certain that she was safe. But my logical side persisted that my girl was quite right: Emmett and Jasper has become relentless in persuading me to hunt with them since Bella's return from Phoenix as I had only accompanied them once in the last couple of months.

Sighing again, I turned on my heel and, disappearing into the forest, I ghosted my way to our family's large white house beside the river.

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	29. Chapter 29: Brotherly Love

_**Thanks for being patient as I am so busy right now with teaching four classes and homeschooling my three boybarians. I'll try to keep uploading weekly, but no guarantees. Hope you like this chapter; I think it may be one of my favorites! :)**_

_**Again, all things **_**Twilight **_**belong to Stephenie Meyer. No infringement is intended. I gratefully enjoy playing in her world. **_

**Chapter Twenty-Nine: Brotherly Love**

As I leaped over the river, flashing across the back lawn under the shade of the cedars, and to the back door, I continued listening to the thoughts of my family that had started trickling into my mind over the last three miles of my journey home.

Emmett had been restless, pacing before the southern wall of glass that illuminated our large, airy living room with an abundance of natural light. He was growing impatient, waiting for my return in order to go hunting in the nearby park with Jasper and myself, with Carlisle planning to join us after his shift at the hospital.

"Where the heck _is_ he?" growled my younger, much larger brother.

Rosalie, coolly turning the pages of a glossy auto magazine while sitting on the white sofa, frowned irritably. _Off with that boring, dull, blushing little human thing,_ she thought scornfully...but wisely didn't express aloud as she flipped another page. I felt my own irritation rising, quelling it with some effort.

I was surprised by similar irritation stemming from Jasper's mind as he quietly read a book of medieval history in one of the wing chairs. Bella was obviously quite right: I had been neglecting my family lately...well, more than just lately. Really, since Bella's return from Phoenix. Carlisle, Esme, and Alice understood: after almost losing her, they recognized my need to rarely allow Bella out of my sight.

Alice came bouncing down the stairs, joining the group in the living room, clapping her hands and exclaiming, "Edward's coming! He'll be here in just a few seconds!"

"About time," Emmett grumbled while Jasper set aside his book in relief. Rosalie merely sighed in irritation before tossing her magazine onto the coffee table, rising from the sofa gracefully, and striding upstairs in a huff.

I sighed as I flashed through the back door, preparing myself for the _mostly_ good-natured complaints and teasing my family would undoubtedly subject me to. Looking up from her knitting in the matching wing chair, Esme smiled at me in welcome while Alice hugged me before asking after Bella.

Not giving me time to respond to Alice, Emmett's voice interrupted rudely, "Let's go hunting, Bro!" He folded his massive body into a graceful crouch, ready to race out the back door immediately. Alice frowned, seeing him tear the back door from its hinges (once again) in his eagerness for our men-only hunt. I grinned at her as she flounced to open the back door, thus preventing the damage she had foreseen. Alice winked at me as I turned to my still-crouching brother.

"Give me a moment, Emmett," I pleaded. "I just got in."

"Aw, come on!" he begged. "We've been waiting all day for you to get back!"

"Besides," added Alice, "the sooner you leave, Edward, the sooner you can return to Bella." She put her arms around Jasper, who thought teasingly, _Ah, young love!_

"All right, all right," I conceded. "Let me change and I'll be right down."

As I changed into a charcoal-gray t-shirt and dark-wash jeans, I smiled at my brothers' restlessness and Alice's bouncy enthusiasm. Rosalie remained shut up in her room, still irritated by my presence and the thought of Bella's constant presence in our family since her return from Phoenix. Carlisle and Esme loved Bella as a daughter, and Alice looked on Bella as a best friend at least, even as a sister, barely aware of Rosalie's thinly-veiled jealousy over the closeness of their relationship. Emmett was constantly amused by Bella's clumsy ways, regarding her as a little sister and himself as her big brother who teased her mercilessly yet protected her as few would, furthering his mate's resentment. Jasper's relationship with Bella was more complex; his struggles for control around humans in general and Bella in particular concerned me, but he also regarded Bella affectionately, with an elder-brother protectiveness more quiet than Emmett's yet more deeply-set. I smiled to myself as I laced my shoes, pleased that my family—with the exception of Rosalie—so openly welcomed and loved Bella, not only for my sake but for her own brave, loving, and beautiful character.

"Edward! You coming?" bellowed Emmett from the bottom of the stairs. Grinning, I quickly joined him and Jazz downstairs.

Within a few moments, we were flashing out the open back door, across the shimmering Sol Duc River, and through the park, scattering small animals in our enthusiastic wake. After only a few minutes of running, we approached a large herd of elk watering themselves along a wide but shallow stream. Emmett insisted upon roaring at the animals, causing them to panic and stampede toward the north. The three of us raced to the largest bucks, breaking their necks to prevent their suffering before efficiently downing the warm liquid that temporarily warmed our icy bodies, changing our eye color from deep midnight to light-gold. We each managed to take down and consume the blood of three large elk apiece, with Carlisle joining us at the end of the fray to take down a few of his own.

As Jasper lifted a huge cedar, its long roots dangling into broken earth it once occupied, I tossed the elk carcasses into the gaping hole. Jasper carefully lowered the tree, grinding it back into its original position, the evidence of our feeding now hidden from sight of any passing hikers or hunters. Hearing a loud, echoing sound above me, I twisted around quickly, my eyes automatically checking our surroundings for possible danger.

But I couldn't help collapsing to the forest floor with laughter at the sight of Emmett in the tree tops above us, grasping thick vines that twined through the shady canopy of the tall trees, high above us. Grabbed a vine in one massive hand, Emmett swung from one tree-top to another with an odd, burly grace, deep guffaws of laughter echoing for miles. Jasper had soon fallen beside me, howling with merriment at Emmett's antics. When Emmett landed with deceptive lightness on a wide branch just above us, pounding his chest while emitting a true Tarzan yell that echoed through the park for miles, even Carlisle bent over with laughter, his hands on his knees to support himself.

Never one to let a good (or a bad) joke die too soon, Emmett pointed to his broad chest, yelling, "Me, Tarzan." Then he pointed an accusing finger at Jasper, still weak with laughter beside me, and continued, "You, Jane."

In a flash of impossibly-quick movement, Jasper disappeared from my side, leaping across the ground and onto the branch on which Emmett balanced, effectively tackling his larger brother in a single bound. Both vampires tumbled off the branch, landing with an ear-splitting crash on the large rocks beside the stream.

But Jasper's revenge for being called "Jane" was not yet complete. Using the momentum he gained from knocking Emmett to the rocks, Jasper continued rolling, his arms still gripped around Emmett's huge middle, to the edge of the stream. In a quick, graceful maneuver, Jasper tossed his brother into the deepest part of the shallow stream, causing another thunderous sound of rock-upon-rock as Emmett landed butt-first, water soaking him but missing the rest of us.

Emmett was on his feet in less than a second, but as he stood there in the middle of the stream, dripping from head to ankles, Carlisle collapsed to the ground beside me as we both laughed uproariously at the sight of our decidedly wet "Tarzan."

Standing victoriously on a flat boulder at the edge of the stream facing Emmett, Jasper pointed to his chest. "Me, dry," and then lifted his finger toward his totally soaked brother, "You, wet."

Carlisle and I couldn't help dissolving into helpless laughter again as Emmett strode angrily out of the water and over to us. Glaring down at our merriment-weakened bodies, he growled, "This isn't over—not by a long shot!" His anger was far less impressive than usual due to the water dripping off him, and, Jasper rejoining us, we couldn't stop laughing.

Finally, Emmett, who could never stay mad for long, started smiling, then chuckling quietly. Jasper gave him a light, brotherly punch to the shoulder while Carlisle and I at last picked ourselves up from the ground, all of us smiling widely.

Sated and still chortling at Emmett's and Jasper's antics, the four of us walked back to the house, leisurely savoring the tranquil hour of twilight. This time of day always saddened me, and more so now as I inevitably thought of Bella's desire, which she expressed once again today, for me to take her human life and exchange it for immortality. I did not want the height of her beauty, her late teenage years, to be the "twilight of her life," as I had told her at the prom. I couldn't bear the thought of stealing her humanity, of destroying something so precious to me, so precious to us as a family, simply for my selfish desire to keep Bella with me forever. I felt the pull both ways: saving her humanity on one side, wanting her safe and with me for all eternity on the other. I sighed sorrowfully.

_Edward_, questioned Carlisle in his thoughts, meeting my eyes. _What is it?_ _What is wrong?_

"Twilight," I responded quietly.

Carlisle raised an eyebrow in confusion. But I didn't want to try to explain the complexity of the issue which lay before Bella and myself. She was so willing to throw away her precious life which was apparently much more valuable to me than it was to her.

"She doesn't understand."

I didn't realize that I had spoken aloud until all three of them stopped in their tracks and turned toward me, comprehension lighting their faces.

"You need to explain it to her, Edward," Emmett said earnestly. I raised my eyebrow at him, surprised to hear the serious tone from my usually fun-loving, rather childish bear of a brother. His expression remained completely devoid of humor as he continued speaking. "You have to show her how important her life is, and you have to show her what she will lose, forever, if she changes. She can't make the best decision without complete knowledge of the repercussions."

"Emmett's right," Jasper agreed quietly. "I rarely sense fear when Bella speaks of becoming what we are. I feel her deep admiration of us, her abiding love for you, but I never sense fear." He looked at me, his pale golden eyes narrowed with the severity of his words. "She needs to know how monstrous our kind can be...how monstrous _she_ will be until she can learn, over years, even decades of time, to control her thirst and her instinct to kill humans."

Carlisle nodded. "Edward, you are not doing Bella any favors by protecting her from who and what we are. She needs to be told how bloodthirsty she will be as a newborn, how she will be out of control for months, if not years. She cannot make the best decision for herself unless she is fully informed."

Sorrowfully I shook my head in negation; I had been dreading just this conversation as it would reveal my own fears, my own despicable weaknesses. Struggling to form the words, I whispered, "I don't want her to become afraid of me. If I tell her, show her what we truly are, I'm afraid that she will not want to be with me...be part of my life." I sighed, feeling my heart tighten at the thought of my life without Bella's love. "I know I have to," I whispered, confessing my selfishness. "I'm just dreading it. I keep postponing it, to keep her happy. To keep both of us happy," I admitted.

"You need to tell her, Edward," Carlisle repeated gently.

"This is Bella, Edward," Emmett encouraged. "She can take it."

"She is braver than you think," added Jasper. "I seriously doubt you could scare her off if you tried," he smiled.

I tried to smile in response, but utterly failed. "I know. I'll talk to her. I will do it," I repeated to myself more than to them.

Sensing my ambivalence, Carlisle looked me in the eye. _When, Edward? I want a real commitment from you. You can't keep both yourself and Bella in this limbo of indecision. She needs to be fully informed so that she can make the best decision. _

I frowned, backing out of naming a date. "Soon," I stated firmly. "But there's only one decision to make, whether I 'fully inform' Bella or not; I refuse to damn her soul to an eternity of darkness, and that is final."

Carlisle sighed, troubled by my obvious reluctance.

Jasper interrupted our one-sided conversation. "Edward, it's for you own good as well as for hers. I can feel the agony you are experiencing when you are apart from Bella. You need to name a date to talk with her and allow her to come to a decision; it's the only right thing to do." He continued in a lower voice, deadly serious. "And this decision is hers to make, Edward, not yours."

I growled under my breath, "Stay out of it, Jasper!" Before I finished my words, I was running toward the only relief that I knew of for this agony of indecision, for the dread and worry that consumed me: Bella's presence.

And although I escaped at top speed, the silence I left in my wake told me that no one was following me. My father and brothers would not let this topic go, though. And Alice definitely wouldn't; she continually pestered me regarding when Bella would be her "really, truly sister, forever and ever." Alice's lack of memory of her human life made her value Bella's humanity rather less than the rest of us...with the exception of Rosalie who continued to ignore Bella's presence, hoping that I would tire of her and return our family to "normal."

I knew, though, that my only "normal" was in Bella's company, whether she be awake or asleep. I sighed in irritation at both of my sisters' attitudes as well as Jasper's words as I slowed behind Bella's home, ghosting around the corner of the compact home to Bella's open window from which light shone. Inside the cramped second-story room was the reason for my existence, the focus of my life: Bella.

And true peace for me was found exclusively in her so very fragile yet so very trusting arms.

_**Please review and let me know what you think! I would LOVE to receive more reviews for this fan fic! And thank you for the reviews for the last chapter; I'm sorry I haven't responded to thank those of you who reviewed; work continues to kick my butt and I won't be done with teaching and grading essays until mid-June. Thanks for your patience! And **__**please **__**review! **_

_**Love you all,**_

_**Cassandra :)**_


	30. Chapter 30: Before Work

_**As always, all things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer. **_

**Chapter Thirty: Before Work**

Through the persistent rain that started to fall a short time before I arrived at Bella's home, I slipped through her window into her room. Wearing her pajamas—thin dark blue knit pants and a matching tank top—Bella lay atop her quilt, having fallen asleep while waiting for me. Kneeling at the side of her twin bed, I worshiped her as devout believers have worshiped their gods since time immemorial. My eyes hungrily caressed her features, noting the faint pinkness of her face and neck from our time in the meadow today. The patter of rain on the roof made me smile, thankful that our day together had been free of the near-constant precipitation of this rainiest summer in Forks' recent history.

As I leaned closer, drinking in Bella's beauty, she shivered, drawing her bare arms around her body to warm herself as the rain sent the temperatures plummeting. Standing, I gently lifted her feather-light form while pulling down her sheets and think summer quilt. Careful not to wake her, I slid Bella into bed, drawing the bed covers over her shoulders. She shifted position, curling onto her side facing the window I had closed against the rain and cold. As much as I wanted to lie beside her tonight and gather her against me, my frigid body would make her too cold; she needed warmth at the moment, and I wished with all my heart that I could provide the heat that she needed. Instead of pulling her body against mine, I returned to my kneeling position at her side, not breathing so that my exhalations would not be too cool against her fragile skin.

She was so beautiful, my Bella. Her lovely features were relaxed in sleep, her lips parted as her breath came and went, slowly and deeply. Her heart, the most beautiful music I have ever known, slowed more and more as she slipped into a deeper level of sleep. Her dark hair, lightened a little from being outdoors this summer, splayed across her pillow in long, graceful strands. Her beauty stunned me once again as I continued to worship at her altar.

I couldn't help it; I had to touch her. My hand reached tentatively toward her, my long fingers tracing the shape of her beautiful lips pale with sleep, her lavender eyelids, her smooth forehead, her pointed chin, as my heart, silent as death, somehow swelled with the immense, eternal love I felt for this fragile girl-woman who so bewitched me with her goodness, her beauty, her courage, her compassion.

Through the tight feeling in my chest, I whispered into Bella's ear, barely a breath, "I adore you, Isabella Swan."

Bella stirred at my words, shifting her position slightly as she instinctively moved toward my voice. "I love you, too," she exhaled, nestling her delicate fingers into my cold, hard hand as she slept.

I smiled as her words and actions brought an unnatural warmth to my frozen chest, to my entire being, as I settled onto the wooden floor beside my Bella's bed. I couldn't help hoping for her to speak during her sleep as she often did...one of the few windows I had into her silent mind, the only mind closed to me. But I was more than content to wait through the long hours of this rainy summer night for her to awaken.

During the night I felt drawn to Bella, forced by the inexplicable magnetism between us to lie beside her at last after she had warmed, but on top of her quilt. Bella immediately curled against my icy body, her head nestled under my chin as she sighed contentedly. I slid my arm beneath her neck, wrapping my fingers around her fragile shoulder. After our change of position, Bella slept soundly for the remainder of the night.

While she slept, I alternated between watching her sleep—a sight that endlessly fascinated me—and reliving the highlights of our weekend getaway in my perfect memory: Bella kissing me on the island, the bright day turning her dark hair a deep, sun-kissed auburn; Bella dancing in my arms on the hotel's dance floor, our eyes locked together as if no other being existed on the entire planet; Bella splayed atop the grand piano in the hotel suite, the blue silk robe parted slightly over her stunning form...

The memories brought on a combination of feelings: deepest love and admiration; joy unbounded at her obvious happiness; and a definite tightness of my anatomy that required me to quickly refocus my thoughts from Bella atop the piano to a less desirable image...

I pinched the bridge of my nose between my fingers as I berated myself for my loss of control, both Saturday morning in the hotel room and right now in allowing the seductive memory of Bella to affect me so...intensely. I took several deep breaths, settling my mind on a far less pleasant line of thought: my father's and brothers' advice last night after our hunting trip, their insistence that I talk to Bella about her desire to become immortal. Immediately I felt overwhelmed by indecision and, yes, by fear at the ramifications of the possible decisions before us in the very near future.

An hour after Charlie had left for work and with the utmost reluctance, I tried to wake Bella so that she could get ready for her first day of work at Newton's.

She wasn't easy to wake.

Rising up on my elbow, I slid Bella's head off my chest and onto her pillow. I first kissed her sleep-warm cheek, sliding my icy lips along her high cheekbones to her ear.

She didn't budge.

I breathed my freezing breath into her ear for a moment, and her hand came up, restlessly rubbing her now-cold ear, but she still didn't wake.

Leaning over her, I pressed my lips to hers and her mouth parted, trying to deepen the kiss in her sleep. Her arms encircled my neck, tugging me closer to her. But when I pulled back to greet her with my usual loving "Good morning," Bella's eyes remained closed, and her arms slackened around me.

She had kissed me in her sleep?

Somehow her kissing me while sound asleep wasn't a flattering thought. I could just hear Alice laughing at me. Not to mention Emmett...I cringed, hoping Alice would keep this little incident to herself.

"Bella, love," I whispered in her ear, my icy breath caressing the side of her neck. "You need to wake, sweetheart. You need to get dressed for work." I kissed the sweet spot beneath her ear that wafted her scent to me so powerfully. But Bella didn't move—even her face, relaxed in sleep, didn't indicate she heard or felt me. She must be very deeply asleep.

Swallowing the venom that gathered in my mouth at her intoxicating scent, I kissed under her ear again, gently shaking her shoulder at the same time. Raising my voice slightly, I tried again.

"Bella, today is your first day of work at Newton's. Do you want to be late?"

At last she shifted in my arms, groaning loudly. Not yet opening her eyes, she muttered in a rough, sleepy voice, "You have _got_ to be kidding."

"I'm so sorry, love. I wish you could sleep all morning." I paused, willing myself to ask the question yet knowing all too well her answer. "Do you want me to call in sick on your behalf? Or at least let them know you'll be late?" I could not quell the worry that filled me; Bella had never acted this exhausted before.

In fact, it was extremely rare for her to fall asleep while waiting for me as she had the evening before. My brow furrowed as my concern increased. This exhaustion was not normal for Bella. I brushed her cheek and forehead slowly with my hand, caressing her while also checking her temperature at the same time. She didn't feel any warmer than usual, thankfully.

"No," she moaned, pulling herself into a sitting position. "I'm fine. Just tired." Her hair was truly a mess this morning—her somewhat restless night had caused it to stick up in the strangest ways. She yawned lazily, then pushed herself out of bed for her usual "human moment." I tried not to grimace when she stumbled into the bedroom door frame on her way to the bathroom and could smell the fragrant, floral blood bruising beneath her delicate skin. I held my breath for a few moments, swallowing the rush of venom in my mouth while regaining complete control over my baser instincts that desired her blood above that of all other humans.

But I couldn't help smiling when I heard her groan, "Ugh! Look at my hair! What am I going to do with it? Wonderful..." she moaned sarcastically. She then closed the bathroom door and began to ready herself for work.

Fifteen minutes later she reappeared, her wild hair tamed into a neat ponytail, wearing jeans and a plaid button-down shirt that flattered her beautiful shape. As she sat again on the bed to put on her sneakers, I reached my arm around her waist, pulling her against my chest. I kissed the side of her bared neck, absolutely unable to resist her.

"You are so beautiful, my love," I murmured, taken once again by her loveliness and mouthwatering scent. "I love you, Isabella Swan. With all my heart."

Turning, she crawled into my lap, taking my face between her two small, warm hands. Her chocolate-brown eyes bore into mine as she responded, "And I love you, Edward Cullen. With all my heart."

She leaned in and pressed her warm lips to mine. My arms wrapped around her, pulling her more tightly against my chest as I responded. But all too soon I reluctantly broke our kiss before Bella could deepen it, unsubtly reminding her. "Work, remember?"

"Gah," she whispered. "Work, schmurk." And she leaned in for another kiss.

"Bella," I remonstrated, leaning back to prevent the kiss. "Do you want to be late for your first day of work?" I asked again, raising an eyebrow.

"Fine," she snapped. Scooting away from me and off the bed, Bella turned to offer her hand to help me up. We both knew that I didn't need her help in the slightest; it was merely an excuse to remain in contact with one another. Wrapping my cold fingers around her warm ones, I followed her downstairs, holding her hand until we reached the kitchen.

Bella poured herself her usual bowl of Cheerios for breakfast, splashing milk over the O's and grabbing a spoon from the drawer before joining me at the kitchen table.

Watching Bella eat always fascinated me. The way her beautifully-shaped lips parted, the way her moist and warm tongue wrapped around the utensil entering her mouth, the way her jaws slid when she chewed, the way her lovely slim throat moved when she swallowed.

It was sexy and utterly captivating. I could watch her eat all day, despite the fact that human food repulsed me.

So again I watched Bella eat, smiling at her self-conscious blush as my eyes remained fixed upon her as she consumed her breakfast.

But this morning she ate less than half of her usual breakfast, taking the half-filled bowl and spoon to the sink to wash, placing them the small dish drainer beside the sink to air-dry.

"Are you not hungry this morning?" I asked, striving to sound casual.

Bella grinned at me over her shoulder. "Nerves, I guess," she answered, shrugging lightly. But her face looked paler to me than usual as well. Perhaps it was only nerves as she began this new job. Or maybe dread of having to spend the day in Mike Newton's unwelcome company? I could only hope for the latter...

Drying her hands after finishing her dishes, Bella turned to me. "Do you want to ride to work with me this morning? I'll have to take the truck, but you can run back home after I get there."

"Certainly," I answered, thrilled with having a few more moments with her than I had expected. I could tell that she was both nervous and excited about her first job, and willingly attributed her unusual exhaustion, paleness, and lack of appetite to her nerves. I sighed, knowing also how very much I would miss her in the torturous hours she would spend away from me today.

Quickly she gathered her things while I waited for her at the door. In a moment she joined me, and, locking the door behind us, we walked hand-in-hand to her truck.

I couldn't help sighing every time I saw her beloved truck. How badly I wanted to purchase a new car for her birthday in the fall! A lovely, powerful, and much _safer_ vehicle—one with front and side airbags at the very least. I kept thinking about the streamlined Audi coupes—not too flashy, but safe and reliable. Charcoal gray would suit Bella so well, I decided, but knew that my dreams were only that: dreams. Bella was far too attached to her ancient, decrepit truck to give it up easily although I often toyed with the idea of sabotaging the engine so that she would be forced to consider obtaining another vehicle. But knowing Bella's streak of pride, she would most likely balk at the idea of my purchasing a car for her, even after her truck's demise. Perhaps I could arrange for her to "win" one in a contest of some sort...

Bella interrupted my plotting as she unlocked her truck door before leaning across to pull up the button on the passenger door. I slid in beside her as she started the engine which roared noisily to life. Once she pulled out of Charlie's driveway, I reached across the seat to take her hand, happy for the few moments we had together before she started her new job and we were separated for the remainder of the day.

I suppressed the panic rising up my throat at the thought of her being with Mike Newton all day, trying to enjoy the welcome warmth of her small hand wrapped tightly and possessively in my icy one. But all too soon Bella pulled her truck behind Newton's Olympic Outfitters where Mrs. Newton had told her to park.

Twisting the key from the ignition and placing the key ring in her purse, Bella turned to me, excitement brightening her beautiful eyes, her face now unnaturally flushed. I swallowed my fears in light of her enthusiasm and forced a smile across my features.

But I couldn't hide my feelings from Bella. She reached her hand toward me, cupping my jaw in her warm fingers. Her voice, low and soothing, broke through the panic gripping my throat and my heart.

"It's only eight hours apart," she started, then frowned. I could tell from her expression that eight hours sounded like a terribly long time to her as well. But she pushed away her grimace, her excitement reappearing. "I'm really glad to have this job, Edward. I hope you understand that. It makes Charlie so happy, and..." her voice trailed off.

"I know," I said quietly, leaning forward to press a kiss to her forehead. I had to leave before she could see how panicked I really was at being separated from her all day. Only on hunting trips was I gone from her for any amount of time, and I had stopped traveling far afield since Phoenix, preferring to hunt for a few hours in the park while Bella slept, unable to leave her for a longer stretch of time.

I averted my face as I spoke, my lips whispering against her forehead to shield my expression, "See you tonight, my love." And before she could move, I had thrown open the door of the truck and ghosted into the surrounding woods.

But I didn't go far. Once I was out of Bella's sight, I turned to watch her through the mass of firs along the edge of the forest. Bella sat in her truck, seemingly flabbergasted by my rapid disappearance. She shook her head once, twice—as if she were trying to clear it. Her eyes swept the trees, looking toward the place where I had vanished, her sad expression tearing at my heart. I had hurt her by leaving as I did. But if I hadn't, I would have lost control of my emotions, making her feel unnecessarily guilty.

_Either way, I would have hurt her, _I thought. My silent heart felt as if it throbbed in my chest as Bella slowly slid from the truck seat, closing the door behind her before walking around the vehicle to the passenger side and shutting the door that I had left open in my haste to escape.

She stood there for a moment, her hand still on the handle, looking at the door with an odd, thoughtful expression before shaking her head once more, as if ridding herself of unwelcome thoughts. Bella rubbed at her forehead once, twice, as if she had a slight headache, then pushed away from her truck, walking purposefully to the back door employee entrance of Newton's.

But she paused again, her eyes moving across the wooded perimeter of the parking area, my keen sight noting the slight welling of moisture in her eyes as she turned her back to me and entered the building.

As I ran toward home, I berated myself for causing Bella's tears...once again.

_**Thank you so much for reading, for adding to Favorite Stories, Story Alert, etc. You all are the BEST!**_

_**I can't believe that I've written THIRTY chapters so far! Blows me away! And I still have much more to write! :)**_

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	31. Chapter 31: First Day

**Disclaimer: Stephenie owns all things Twilight. I'm just goofing around with her perfect characters in her perfect universe. **

**Chapter Thirty-One: First Day**

Halfway home my cell phone vibrated in my pocket, and I halted in the midst of the forest. Pulling my phone from my jacket, I didn't bother checking the caller ID before whispering, "Yes?"

Alice's voice did not surprise me. "Edward, you're actually leaving her alone in that store?"

I closed my eyes. "I can't stay there all day, Alice. Bella wouldn't want me to 'spy' on her, especially not on her first day."

Alice nearly snorted into the phone. "Yes, but what Bella doesn't know won't hurt her. This is Mike Newton we're talking about, Edward."

I stiffened at her words, attempting to keep my voice calm. "Bella can handle him." But I knew it would take very little persuasion on my sister's part for me to stay within hearing distance of Bella today...and perhaps keep an eye on her, even if it had to be through Newton's mind.

"Edward, I think you need to stay there. All day. Just for today." Alice's voice was oddly insistent.

"Why?" I questioned, more concerned now. "Alice, what have you seen?"

"Trust me on this one. That's all I'm saying."

I pinched the bridge of my nose between my fingers, then capitulated. "Very well, Alice. I'll go back to Newton's. But if Bella finds out and gets angry, I am blaming you completely."

"You do that," she retorted. I detected both her smile and satisfaction in her few words as she disconnected. Pressing the "end" button on my phone, I ghosted back to the woods that ringed Newton's Olympic Outfitters.

Moments later I was settling myself thirty feet above ground in an ancient spruce, only fifty yards from the sporting goods store. I was thankful to hear Mike's mother's voice as she finished giving Bella a tour of the store, explaining how they displayed their merchandise.

"We hired a marketing firm from Seattle to come out for a few days and help us with a plan," Karen Newton told Bella proudly. Through her eyes I watched Bella nod, trying to take in all that she was being taught. I noted an addition to her wardrobe: a bright orange canvas apron with the logo for _Newton's Olympic Outfitters_ across her chest. I smirked, preparing to tease Bella just a little when she got home about wearing her favorite color; Bella despised orange.

"Our main sellers here are the shoe department," Mrs. Newton continued, "and the backpacking supplies. So they're in the back of the store to cause customers to walk through the other merchandise, hopefully seeing something else they may need or like."

She then led Bella to the cash registers where Mike had just finished ringing up a sale of yoga gear for a young mother. "Have a nice day, Mrs. Anderson," he said cheerfully, waving at the toddler in the jogging stroller she pushed in front of her. The child looked at Mike and promptly wailed, the mother giving Mike an indignant glance as she bent over to soothe her small daughter; Mike winced.

_Gosh, why does something so embarrassing have to happen in front of Bella?_ he thought, stifling a groan. _I was trying to impress her, and I end up looking totally lame. _

From my perch outside the store, I was grinning from ear to ear.

"Mike," his mother recaptured the attention of her red-faced son, "could you please train Bella on the cash register? I need to get the bank deposit ready." The joy and excitement that brought Mike's eyes flying to meet Bella's made me tense, my knuckled whitening as I fisted my hands, wishing my fingers were wrapped around his neck.

"Sure, Mom. No problem," he smiled at Bella, and she returned his smile tentatively, turning slightly pink. But his thoughts did not pick up what seemed extraordinarily obvious to me: Bella's blushing reluctance. Karen Newton left them behind the registers as she retreated into the back room to add up the previous day's receipts and fill out the deposit slips.

I watched Bella through Mike's eyes as he taught her how the register worked, how to make change, how to scan a credit card, what identification to request for checks, and so on. Bella was absorbing the information with care, a frown of concentration wrinkling her forehead. She occasionally blushed when Mike's "training" caused him to brush up against her or touch her in some way. Mike, of course, took her blushes as encouragement while I again saw what he didn't: Bella's irritation with him and his attempts to touch her.

_She's so pretty when she blushes_, Mike noted as his hand covered hers as he taught her to key in the store's identification number into the credit card reader. _Her hands are so soft and warm, and I swear she smells like berries. _

My teeth made a horrible grinding noise as my jaw clenched, and it took all my considerable control to remain in the spruce tree and not speed into the store and put Mike through a wall.

_I wonder what I ever saw in Jessica,_ Mike's thoughts continued. _I know Bella's going out with Cullen, but I doubt it's serious. She has to have noticed by now what a freak he is. He glares at every guy on campus who looks at Bella as if he were going to tear someone limb from limb. _He gulped. _Especially me. I'd better be careful, I guess..._

"So," Mike tentatively started a non-store-related conversation, "did you say that you're still going out with Cullen?" He nervously sped his words, not giving Bella the opportunity to respond. "Anyway, a bunch of us are going to dinner and a movie in Port Angeles on Friday, and you could come with me, if you want..." His voice trailed off as he noticed Bella's frown. She took a moment to respond, and I could tell that she was trying to balance her irritation with diplomacy as she had to work with Mike regularly if she wanted to keep this job. No wonder Alice wanted me here: I needed to "stake my claim" as well as relieve Bella of Newton's awkward and unwanted attentions.

"Edward and I are not merely 'going out," she replied quietly, her eyes fixed on the orange Formica counter rather than on Mike while her cheeks flushed bright red with embarrassment. "We're quite serious about one another."

_Oh, man!_ he wailed internally while I smiled with satisfaction as Bella put Newton in his place. _I've gotta salvage this situation somehow. _He swallowed noisily, then said quickly, "You both can come, if you want. That's what I meant, you know...all of us going out together. Like a quadruple date thing, me with Jess, Angela and Ben, Tyler and Lauren. You know, the whole group." He summoned a sarcastic grin, weak though it was. "I wasn't asking you out, Bella. You know I'm with Jess."

"I know that," Bella responded, irritated and blushing again. She seemed confused by Mike's change of tone, obviously wondering what prompted his sarcasm. But I sensed his hurt feelings and his healthy fear of me, and I couldn't help grinning again.

Karen Newton poked her head out of the back office, interrupting the awkward conversation. "How are you two doing out there?"

"Fine, Mom," Mike answered, trying to recapture his "cool" by winking cheekily at Bella, who blushed even more deeply and rubbed her forehead as if she were getting a headache. "I think I covered everything."

"Good." Karen Newton looked more closely at Bella, concerned. "Are you all right, Bella?"

Bella shook her head as if clearing her thoughts. "Yes, Mrs. Newton. Fine," she responded softly. But I looked at Bella more intensely through Karen Newton's eyes. Bella looked tired, paler than usual, as she rubbed her forehead again.

Mike's mother looked at the clock, noticing Bella's change from blushing to pallor as well. "Why don't you take your fifteen minute break, dear. Then I can give you some catalogs and such that you can study so you can learn more about the kind of merchandise we sell here."

Bella nodded, eagerly leaving Mike behind as she walked into the back room then out the back door. Leaning against the outside wall, she drew in a deep breath, then sighed loudly, closing her eyes. She still looked paler than usual, which definitely concerned me.

She was standing almost directly below me, and I debated joining her for her break. Fifteen minutes wasn't long, but it was better than nothing. And I could tell her that Alice had seen when her break was so that Bella wouldn't know that I was here spying on her. Smiling at my forethought, I slipped down the tree and ghosted to the edge of the parking lot, slowing my pace to a human walk as I came into her line of sight. Putting my hands in my jacket pockets, I smiled at her as I crossed the asphalt lot.

"Edward!" she cried, apparently ecstatic that I had come. She ran to me, throwing herself into my arms.

"Hello there," I greeted her, wrapping my arms around her as she burrowed into my chest. She raised her face to mine, and I bent to kiss her.

She returned the kiss enthusiastically, but I pulled away when she needed to take a breath. She smiled at me, asking, "Did Alice 'see' when my break was?"

I nodded, pleased that I didn't have to actually lie. "How is your first day going?" I asked her, pulling her to a small wooden picnic table just outside the back door, obviously a place for employees to eat lunch as the small back room was devoted to business, not to employees' needs.

Bella wrinkled her nose. "There's a lot to remember, and a lot to learn. But I like it so far. Mrs. Newton is really nice."

"Is Newton behaving himself?" I asked, knowing the answer all too well, but wondering about her opinion.

She rolled her eyes, and I laughed, pulling her against my chest in another embrace. "As long as he knows you're mine," I growled playfully in her ear. I leaned back then, smiling at her.

Bella's expression froze, her eyes becoming unfocused as she stared at me. I was surprised at first, then remembered her frequent accusation of "dazzling" her.

"Bella?" I asked, amused.

She shook her head, apparently trying to clear her mind. "You are far too good," she mumbled under her breath.

"Far too good at what, love?" I asked, feigning innocence.

"Smiling. Dazzling me. Looking like a Greek god." I started laughing again, and she playfully pulled my head down toward hers. "Kiss me again," she ordered in a sexy whisper.

"Your wish, my command," I replied, brushing my lips gently against hers as I embraced her again. Bella kissed me harder, her lips insistent upon mine, and I nearly moaned with the pleasure of her warmth enveloping me. She seemed so warm today...warmer than usual...and I drank in her warmth, her scent, and all that was Bella. Time, place...all disappeared around us as our lips met, caressing. Bella's arms reached around my neck, her fingers tugging my hair. My hands splayed across her back, gently crushing her small, warm body against mine as I half-sat, half-leaned against the top of the picnic table.

A loud throat-clearing from the doorway brought us back to reality all too soon. Bella spun around as I raised my head, both of us staring at Mike Newton standing just inside the back door. He was frowning, his brows bunched together in both surprise and irritation as we broke apart. "Your break's over, Bella. It's time for mine now," he said brusquely, walking out the door and to the picnic table.

Bella blushed bright red and without saying anything, scurried back into the store. She stopped for a moment to straighten her shirt and hair, then adjusted the orange apron before returning to the cash register to rejoin Karen Newton for further training.

Mike stood next to me, one eyebrow raised, letting me know that I was on his turf right now. As much as I would have enjoyed tossing him through a wall at the moment, I refrained for Bella's sake. Grinning at him, I waved cockily then sauntered back toward the woods, not looking back at him.

My kissing Bella then leaving as I did irritated Mike to no end. _Who does that guy think he is? And what does Bella even see in him? He's so NOT normal, and neither is any of his weird family. They're social outcasts at school, so where does he get off, treating me like a kid or something? So NOT cool. _

I couldn't help my satisfied smile as I returned to my spot up the spruce tree. I glanced at my watch, pleased to see that Bella had only an hour left of her four-hour shift and very glad that Alice had talked me into returning to watch over Bella.

The rain started again, and I pulled up the hood of my leather jacket to protect my hair as rain tumbled from the sky. The first few drops had caused Mike to give up his break and return inside, moping around the back room for the remainder of his time off before taking his place behind the registers. His mother went to the back room to finish her paperwork before Bella would have to leave for the day so that she could assist Mike on the sales floor more easily.

The sheeting rain kept most customers away for the rest of the morning, and just before Bella's shift ended, I ghosted to her truck and grabbed her huge umbrella to shield her from the rain. Thinking I would meet her in the store to keep her as dry as possible, I rounded the building, using the customer entrance.

Karen Newton knew Carlisle best of out family, but all of us spent a good deal at Newtons', mainly to keep up the family camping and backpacking stories that explained our absences on the rare days when Forks was sunny. As I entered the store, politely shaking the excess rain from my umbrella outside the door and wiping my feet on the rain mats, I felt her eyes on me.

_Those Cullen kids always look so amazing! This one looks like he just completed an ad spread for _GQ, _for heaven's sake! Okay, calm down, Karen; he's the same age as your son. Act your age...for once._

I folded my lips to hide my smile at her amusing internal monologue as I approached the cash register where she stood.

"Good afternoon, Mrs. Newton," I greeted her politely.

"What can I do for you, Edward?" she asked, then blushed bright red when she realized the unintended double-meaning of her words.

I ignored the rush of blood to the surface of her skin more easily than usual, thankful that Jasper was not with me; there is no way he could have not been tempted by the beautiful pooling of blood in her capillaries. Smiling gently although my jaw was locked against the scent of her rising blood, I answered quietly, "I'm here to take Bella home."

"Bella?" she answered stupidly. _Karen, get a grip!_ she scolded herself, trying to gather her scattered thoughts. "Oh, certainly. Just a moment." She disappeared into the back room, emerging just a minute later with Bella on her heels.

"What are you doing here, Edward?" Bella asked, seeming to be irritated. It was a very good thing that she was unaware of my reconnaissance activities outside the store for the past four hours or she would be livid with anger.

"It's raining really hard, and the streets are flooding. I wanted to drive you home to be sure you made it safely," I replied in a low voice.

But Karen Newton had heard. She looked from me to Bella and back again with unflattering disbelief. "Oh, I didn't know that you two were going out," she lied cheerfully. Her mind belied her seemingly sweet words as she thought, _Poor Mike! I know he has a crush on Bella Swan, and here she is, obviously dating one of the Cullens. I wonder if he knows..._

Mike came out of the back room just as I put my arm around Bella's shoulders to lead her from the store. His jaw was set, and he refused to look in our direction. Karen Newton noticed her son's distress, and her sympathy toward her son and irritation toward Bella vied for primacy.

_ I just hope that I haven't made Bella's job more difficult, _I thought as I led her around the building and to the driver's side of her truck, protecting her from the gushing rain with my large black umbrella as she slid into her seat. 

**I would LOVE to have more reviews, my dear readers. Would you be so kind? Thanks! **


	32. Chapter 32: Feverish

_**Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer. I'm merely goofing around in her wonderfully creative world...**_

**Chapter Thirty-Two: Feverish **

"It's only 1:00, Bella. What do you want to do? Are you hungry?" I asked as Bella turned the truck out of the parking lot onto the highway.

She thought for a moment, considering her options before replying. "I would really love to see Esme. I haven't been able to spend time with her lately, or much with the rest of your family except Alice. Should I drive to your place then?"

"Certainly. Alice and Jasper went hunting in Oregon and won't return until late tomorrow, and Carlisle is at the hospital, but Esme, Emmett, and Rosalie are home right now," I answered. "Do you want to stop for lunch here in town or shall I make you something at our house?"

"I don't want to go out," Bella shivered as she spoke. "I'm really tired and would love to have a sandwich and maybe watch a movie?"

"Sounds good." I looked at Bella more carefully as she shivered again. "Are you cold?"

She shrugged. "A little."

I leaned forward to turn on the heater. "Really, Edward? The heater in summer?" she protested.

"You're shivering. And this is Forks. There is no summer here. Just rain, rain, snow, and rain."

Bella nodded, unsmiling, not acknowledging my little joke which she usually did, even if it was as lame as this one. I peered at her face as she drove and found myself worrying...again.

"Are you feeling well?" I asked, watching her face carefully.

"Fine. Just a little cold...that's all. So stop worrying, Edward. Okay?" Bella's voice was unusually peevish, even bordering on annoyed.

"Okay," I agreed quickly. She was so rarely in a less-than-happy mood with me, and I wondered at the cause. I felt my forehead crease into lines of concern and turned to look out the passenger window to mask my worry.

"Now where's the driveway," Bella muttered under her breath, peering through the downpour as she searched for the almost-hidden entrance to our three-mile driveway.

"Just past that forked fir."

Bella leaned forward, squinting her eyes as she replied, "Okay, I see it."

Several minutes later Bella parked the truck in front of our rambling white farmhouse. I quickly exited the truck, whisking around the tailgate to shield her with my umbrella before she could open the driver side door. I offered her my free hand to help her down from the high seat, then escorted her up the steps, across the porch, and to the front door.

Esme opened one side of the huge double oak doors for us, letting Bella in the house while I shook out the dripping umbrella before depositing it in the antique umbrella stand just inside the door.

"Bella, dear! It's so lovely to see you!" my mother enthused as she folded Bella into an affectionate hug. I noticed Bella shrinking from Esme a little, another shiver shaking her body from head to toe.

"I think Bella is a little chilled from the rain, Esme," I explained casually. Esme let go of Bella immediately, apologizing to Bella who shot me an annoyed look, dismissing my quiet comment as "Edward's worrying...again."

I heard a bark of laughter from Emmett at her aggrieved remark, but Bella didn't seem to hear him.

While Esme fetched Bella a warm cardigan sweater to replace her sodden jacket, I moved to the fireplace and started to build a fire, stopping at the thermostat along the way to hike the heat to 75 degrees.

Behind me, I heard Bella thanking Esme for the sweater and my mother offering Bella lunch. Bella accepted, following Esme into the kitchen.

Rosalie was sitting on the sofa with Emmett as they watched the end of an action movie together.

"A fire? In June? You've got to be kidding, Edward!" Rosalie hissed at me, too low for Bella to hear. Emmett laughed again, this time internally as he thought, _Worry much, little brother? And I thought Esme had the corner on that market..._

Rosalie's thoughts also continued, but she wisely refrained from speaking them aloud. _Is your little human too delicate to handle a little rain? You are such a worrier, Edward! It's just sickening. And it's going to get way too hot in this room with a fire and the heater, plus her body warmth. Ugh! _"I'm going upstairs," she finished aloud, stomping ungraciously to their bedroom. Emmett switched off the flat screen before following her, throwing me an apologetic glance as he ghosted upstairs on Rosalie's heels.

After bringing the fire to a steady roar that, combined with the heater, quickly warmed the room, I sauntered into the kitchen. Esme was serving Bella a grilled cheese sandwich and a bowl of tomato soup. I wrinkled my nose in distaste; the meal smelled absolutely revolting. How could Esme smile so genuinely with that awful stuff assaulting her sense of smell?

But I only read Esme's pleasure in caring for my Bella, and for that I loved her. Carlisle may have created me, and undoubtedly we were close, but Esme knew me. And it pleased her so greatly to see me happy now, apparently so changed from the lonely person I was before Bella stumbled into my life.

Esme now slid the sandwich from the skillet onto a plate, placing it in front of Bella as she sat waiting on a bar-type stool at the breakfast bar, then Esme turned to deliver the bowl of soup next to the plate. Bella thanked her and began to eat. But my perceptive eyes noted that Bella was eating very slowly, especially considering that this was one of her favorite lunches. And every few minutes, she shivered again despite the heated air flowing through the vents into the first-story rooms. I stepped behind Bella, gently resting my hands on her slender waist.

Bella's body felt warm to me...much warmer than usual. Concerned, I laid my hand against her forehead. As I leaned over her shoulder to see her face, I watched her expression relax at the coolness of my icy skin.

"That feels good," she whispered.

"Bella, I'm almost positive that you have a fever," I said. Esme's eyes flew to mine, worry clouding her expression.

"I'm fine," Bella insisted. "I'm sure it's just a little cold." She shivered again, and I removed my hand, backing away and no longer touching my body to hers as I didn't want her becoming more chilled than she already was.

"Bella, dear, you don't have to eat it all if you don't want to," Esme gently reminded her.

Bella nodded gratefully, placing her spoon on her napkin and turning to me after thanking Esme for lunch. I glanced at the remains of her meal; she had eaten only a few bites of the sandwich and very little soup. My concern ratcheted up another notch, but I masked it as best I could for Bella's sake. She hated it when I hovered over her.

"I have a fire going in the living room," I informed Bella. "Why don't you lie down on the sofa there and take a nap."

Bella nodded her acquiescence with unusually quiet obedience as she slid off the stool and into my arms. Wrapping one arm carefully around her, I escorted her to the sofa. As Bella sat down, I placed a pillow in the corner of the sofa, and Bella gratefully curled up on her side facing the fire. I covered her with a thick afghan that Esme had knitted a decade ago, tucking her in. As Bella's eyes closed, I sat on the floor beside her where I could watch every expression that passed over her lovely features.

Bella slept for several hours. As I watched her, alert for any minute change, I noticed her breathing change from the slow, deep breaths of restful sleep to more rapid, shallower intakes of air. Her cheeks, usually pale unless she were blushing, burned with the bright color of fever. She became restless, tossing back and forth and seeming unable to find a comfortable position. From time to time I placed my cold hand against her hot forehead, trying to gauge the extent of her fever without using a thermometer which would awaken her; she seemed warmer every time I checked. Every once in a while, Bella would give a faint moan, as if she were in pain. And her sleep-talking consisted of vague mutterings under her breath that made no sense.

Each new symptom raised an alarm within me. I had tried calling Carlisle as soon as Bella had fallen asleep, but his phone went straight to voice mail, so I left a message for him to call me as soon as possible. When I called the nurses' station nearest his office an hour later in a semi-panic, I was informed that he was in surgery and was not expected out of the OR for at least three hours; I left word for him to call home immediately. The obvious stress in my voice seemed to convince the nurse of the necessity of alerting Carlisle as soon as he emerged from the OR.

I debated taking Bella to the emergency room myself, but as the rain outside continued sheeting from the darkening skies, I decided to keep her at home, warm and dry, unless Carlisle decided otherwise or she worsened considerably.

Esme sat with me for a while, watching me as anxiously as I observed the changes in Bella's sleep. I picked up both her concern for me and her worry for Bella in her thoughts as I cradled my head in my hands, overcome with anxiety for Bella's welfare.

"Edward?" Esme finally asked.

"She's really sick, Esme. And I don't know what to do." I tugged on my hair, impatient for Carlisle to return my call and come home to examine Bella. My medical school training seemed more of a hindrance than a help at the moment; my mind raced through so many possibilities that explained Bella's symptoms; it could be "just a cold" as Bella had said, but I seriously doubted it as her symptoms seemed too serious. Other possibilities passed through my mind: a virus, an infection, a case of pneumonia, influenza.

My body stiffened with stress and cold fear at the last possible diagnosis. Influenza. The disease that had killed my parents. The disease that killed me...or would have killed me if Carlisle had not intervened.

Esme took one of my hands in hers. "Bella will be fine. Calm down, Edward. Carlisle will call soon, and we'll take excellent care of her." She paused, stroking the back of my hand with cool fingertips. "Do you think you should call Charlie? Or should I do it..." Her gentle voice trailed off.

"Not yet," I croaked in a voice that sounded as if I had been crying actual tears. "Let's find out what we're dealing with first."

"You're right," Esme answered. "Carlisle will call soon," she repeated, and I sensed again the depth of her unspoken worry for Bella which increased my own anxiety.

Emmett crept quietly down the stairs, an extremely unusual action for him. He moved silently to my side, standing between the fireplace and the sofa, arms folded across his chest as he observed Bella's feverish face.

"Man, she looks bad," he whispered.

"Emmett!" hissed Esme. "You're not exactly helping."

"Sorry, Bro," he said quietly to me. I nodded my acceptance of his apology, my eyes never leaving Bella's restless features.

_Want me to run to the hospital and drag Carlisle out of that OR?_ Emmett asked me silently.

I shook my head. "No, we'll wait for his call. We don't know how complex the surgery is that he's involved in."

Emmett looked down at Bella again, his usually jovial expression twisted with worry. He bent down toward her and pressed the lightest of kisses to her hot forehead. Then he straightened and slowly climbed the stairs; I heard him quietly closing their bedroom door, telling Rosalie about Bella's condition, but the vibration of my phone diverted my attention completely from Rosalie's undoubtedly snarky response.

I glanced at my phone, and my heart leapt with relief. Carlisle was returning my call at last.

"Edward? What is it?" Carlisle's voice was tight with stress.

"It's Bella. She's very ill and is running a high fever."

"Where is she?"

"Here. At home with us. I put her on the sofa in front of the fire because she was shivering."

"On my way." The call disconnected, and I felt the worry pressing on my heart lift just a little at my father's terseness. He was worried, too. But I tried to calm myself with the knowledge that Carlisle would know what to do.

Despite my two medical degrees, I had only felt this helpless in my existence only once before: when I had fallen to my knees beside a bleeding and broken Bella in the ballet studio a few months ago. I swallowed, my eyes flicking between Bella's flushed, restless face and the clock on the wall.

Carlisle could not come one second too soon...

_**Reviews are very much appreciated! :)**_

_**And I just read a wonderful fan fic that perhaps you've already read, but just in case you haven't, check out **__**Beyond Time**__** by Tkegl here on . It's a fabulous trip back to 1918 during **__**New Moon **__**while Edward is still gone. I spent all day yesterday reading it instead of finishing this chapter, so blame Tkegl for my late posting! **_

_**And don't forget those lovely reviews...they make me write faster! :)**_

_**-Cassandra :)**_


	33. Chapter 33: Fire and Ice

_**Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to the genius of Stephenie Meyer; I am a humble vassal of her literary queenship.**_

**Chapter Thirty-Three: Fire and Ice**

The rain had not let up by the time Carlisle raced into the house. Esme met him at the front door, towel in hand, and Carlisle quickly dried his rain-soaked face and hands; he obviously hadn't bothered with an umbrella for the distance between the garage and the house.

Handing the towel back to Esme, he approached the sofa, eyes transfixed on Bella. I concentrated not only on the words that crossed his mind but also on the unspoken emotions behind them; I needed to know everything that my father observed about Bella's condition.

His thoughts during his visual examination of Bella came to me with speed and force: _Her flushed face indicates high fever. Heart rate at 110...rather high. Shallow breaths, quicker than normal, too. Is that sluggishness I hear fluid in her lungs? _He reached out his hand to take hers, his observations continuing: _Fever at least 104...very high. _He reached around to feel the pulse in Bella's wrist._ Pulse thready. _He looked at her face, noting the slight frown on her face. _She's in pain. _

I felt myself blanching—my worried thoughts tumbling over each other in the sheer terror I felt. Bella was very ill—perhaps dangerously so. "Carlisle?" I choked out, unable to gather my anxiety into words.

_Sssshhh, Edward. Let me listen._ Carlisle tilted his head, trying to discern the sounds behind Bella's somewhat-labored breathing. _Yes, her lungs are wet; not a lot of fluid, but her condition will worsen if we don't drain it soon. _

His golden eyes, tight with concern, met mine. "We need to cool her down. Immediately."

"Here or at the hospital?" I whispered.

"Here."

Before I had time to register what he was doing, Carlisle had scooped Bella into his arms and raced upstairs with her, calling over his shoulder, "Esme! Bring ice! All that you can!" The urgency of his words compelled the entire household into action. Esme and Emmett were dumping the ice from the freezer's automatic ice maker into a large basin while I followed Carlisle through his and Esme's bedroom to their luxurious bathroom. Only Rosalie remained absent, a fact I only noted without tracing her thoughts to confirm my observation.

Carlisle was already kneeling, lowering Bella into the large antique claw-footed tub set along the far wall of their bathroom. I fell to my knees next to him, removing Bella's shoes and socks while he reached across me to start the cold water running into the deep tub. "Leave the rest of her clothing on...it will help protect her skin from the ice," Carlisle directed quietly.

Bella's jeans darkened as the cold water began seeping up her body, but she remained perfectly still, her face no longer frowning but completely slack.

_She should have wakened from the extreme cold_, thought Carlisle. _She must be unconscious from the high fever. _

Carlisle's observations sent my mind into a tailspin. All this time I had hoped that Bella was resting on the sofa downstairs, sleeping off her cold.

But Bella wasn't sleeping now.

She was unconscious.

And this illness was obviously far, far more serious than a mere cold.

Emmett and Esme were suddenly behind us; I had not noticed them entering the bathroom. All I could focus upon was Bella's beautiful, immobile face as Carlisle took the basin full of ice from Emmett, distributing the oblong cubes beside and over her small, fragile body.

Tossing the empty basin aside, Carlisle directed Emmett to drive into Forks to purchase more crushed ice. I barely heard their conversation—my mind could not focus on anything except Bella. I was vaguely aware of Esme's gentle hands on my bent shoulders, but her attempts to soothe my agony were useless.

Nothing could permeate this hell I had been thrust into so suddenly.

Carlisle reached across me again to turn off the flow of cold water; Bella's body was immersed up to her shoulders with only her head and part of her neck remaining above the ice water. Esme had handed Carlisle a washcloth which he wrung out in the tub water and wiped across Bella's still-flushed face.

"Thermometer," he barked at Esme. "In my bag."

A moment later Esme handed him the digital device which Carlisle carefully placed under Bella's tongue, holding her lips around it. Esme scooped up the discarded cloth and, dipping it in the water again, continued cooling Bella's hot face and neck.

And I? I remained kneeling at the side of the white porcelain tub.

Praying.

If I closed my eyes, I could almost imagine myself kneeling in church as I had during my human life, eyes focused on my folded hands resting on the back of the pew in front of me or looking at the white marble statues of saints at the front of the majestic Holy Name Cathedral in downtown Chicago. Newly refurbished as a cathedral during my teen years, the soaring ceilings always brought me a feeling of God's sovereignty and power.

But here, kneeling beside this bathtub, my eyes unerringly focused on the slack, feverish face of the reason for my existence, the prayers came to me, bringing a greater feeling of urgency rather than the suffusing of peace I had remembered and hoped for during this crisis.

The prayers from my childhood faith, a faith I had abandoned when I allowed the monster in me full reign during my years away from Carlisle, tumbled through my mind. When I returned home to Carlisle and Esme, my rebellion over, I could not simply pick up my faith where I left off.

After all, the lack of a soul prevented one's prayers from being heard, right?

Carlisle was the only one who disagreed with me, the only one among us who embraced faith and God, worshiping in his own way. But despite his lack of church attendance, I knew from his thoughts how deeply-set his faith was, how it remained entrenched within him, even growing over the centuries. Carlisle had rejected the strict, judgmental Protestant faith of his father, a reflection of his black-and-white dogma, but Carlisle still prayed, still worshiped God through His Creation, still allowed the ancient prayers to grasp his mind and his heart, bringing him into the presence of God.

Despite my lack of soul, I felt an urge to pray as I never had before in over a century of my existence. The words came, unbidden yet very necessary at this moment:

_Our Father, who art in heaven. _

_Hallowed be Thy Name. _

_Thy kingdom come. _

_Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. _

_Give us this day our daily bread. _

_And forgive us our trespasses..._

But could God ever forgive my murdering so many human souls? Yes, they were black souls, souls bent on evil and destruction. But I had "played God" and taken their lives to soothe my own needs, my own burning thirst; bringing the end to their evil deeds was only a side benefit to quenching my thirst with their lifeblood.

Could my prayers, the prayers of a soulless being, be heard? Be answered?

_Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee.  
Blessed art thou amongst women,  
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God,  
pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death..._

_ "Now and at the hour of our death..."_

Death?

Bella couldn't die, could she?

My eyes wide with terror, I looked at Carlisle kneeling beside me. His eyes did not meet mine as he pulled the beeping thermometer from Bella's lips.

_103. Better._

I heaved a sigh of relief, hoping that this drop in her fever meant that Bella was improving.

_She should be coming out of this_, Carlisle thought. _Why isn't she waking? Her fever should not be keeping her unconscious at 103. _

The short-lived relief that had filled me mere seconds ago left me as soon as it had come.

Emmett entered the room again, two ten-pound bags of ice in his arms. Carlisle ripped open one bag, carefully sprinkling the ice into the bath water before directed my brother to put the other bag into the freezer in case we needed it later.

Carlisle turned to me at last, speaking aloud for Esme's sake. "As soon as we bring her fever down to 102, let's take her into the hospital. I don't like being so far from a defibrillator."

Defibrillator? Carlisle thought that he might have to shock her heart back into rhythm? Back to life?

Esme nodded silently, her golden eyes huge with surprise and worry. I shook my head, trying to absorb Carlisle's spoken words and unspoken concerns. He was now attempting to shield the worst of his thoughts from me, something he very rarely did.

"No," I breathed. "I need to know, Carlisle." He looked at me, noting my set face, my tight jaw, and nodded in acquiescence.

_Very well, Edward. But I think we should call for an ambulance rather than taking her to the hospital ourselves. They have IVs and other medical supplies that I don't have access to that I think we may need. Just to be safe..._

I nodded. "All right. Whatever you think best."

Carlisle placed his hand atop mine for a moment before resetting and reinserting the thermometer into Bella's mouth. Then he glanced up to Esme. "Call 911, please, Esme. Then call Charlie."

Esme stood, holding out the cloth she had been using to sponge Bella's face to me. Getting to my feet, I took Esme's place on Carlisle's other side at the head of the clawfoot tub where I could easily reach Bella's face. I plunged the washcloth into the icy water, pressing the wet cloth to her hot forehead, cheeks, and neck as Esme had done.

Esme disappeared, and I vaguely registered her clear voice on the kitchen phone, first calling in the emergency, then calling Charlie's cell. Her voice was gentle and soothing as she attempted to calm Bella's father who said he was on his way to the Cullen residence as they spoke, despite Esme's pleading for him to meet us at the hospital.

I continued mechanically wiping the cold, wet cloth across Bella's face and neck, often refreshing it in the icy water. Carlisle removed the thermometer again and frowned when it still read 103. _I don't know if these inexpensive home thermometers reset properly. I wish I had a hospital-grade device that I could trust. _

He looked at Bella again with his practiced eyes while he moved aside the wet cloth to feel her forehead. _Fever still between 102 and 103 but should not be producing unconsciousness at that level. Skin still flushed. Lungs sounding a bit worse, definitely some fluid build-up. Heart rate between 100 and 110, still rather high. I'm surprised that this ice-bath isn't doing her more good; its use normally brings about almost immediate improvement. _

Carlisle reached under the water to grasp Bella's hand while I continued to sponge her too-still face. His wordless concern was written across his immortal face. And then I heard the words running through his head:

_O Almighty God, and merciful Father, to whom alone belong the issues of life and death: Look down from heaven, we humbly beseech thee, with the eyes of mercy upon this child now lying here...deliver her in thy good time from her bodily pain, and save her soul for thy mercies' sake...Grant this, O Lord, for thy mercies' sake, in the same thy Son our Lord..._

I recognized the prayers of Carlisle's Anglican prayer book, probably a prayer he heard his father pray over many ill and dying children... I froze as the words "ill and dying" crossed my mind.

No. It can't be happening. No.

Bella is my life. I cannot exist without her.

Bella is my life. I cannot exist without her. 

Bella is my life. I cannot exist without her. 

I felt Carlisle's hand on my shoulder, attempting, as Esme had tried, to soothe me. "Ssssh, Edward. I think she'll be fine."

And then I realized that I was still whispering the mantra aloud. I forced myself to stop repeating the words I clung to, my eyes rising to my father's as I sought truth in his expression yet did not find it.

He did not think Bella would be fine. He was only trying to calm me.

I barely registered Carlisle's worry over the apparent blankness of my stare or his resolve that followed:

_I have to save Bella...for Edward's sake as well as for her own, and for Charlie's. It would kill Edward to lose her...and then there's Esme and myself, and Alice. Even Emmett and Jasper. In so short a time, Bella has become part of all of us. We can't lose her now. _

After what seemed like hours but was in reality only ten minutes, I heard the sirens of an ambulance and police car as they careened up our driveway through the blinding downpour.

In mere moments I would have to face Charlie's overwhelming worry for his only daughter, his only family, a worry I could already sense even several miles away from our home...

_**Reviews bring me extreme happiness and make me write much faster! So let me know what you think! :)**_

_**I'm reading a wonderful fan fic I'd like to recommend: **__**Beyond Time**__** by TKegl. Bella time-travels back to 1918 Chicago to attempt to save Edward's life from the Spanish Influenza. But she finds a very different Edward from the one who left her in the forest months before. I'm actually re-reading it right now—it's THAT great! You'll find it here on by searching for the author who even posts an alternative ending in another story thread. **_

_**-Cassandra, the Review-monger **_


	34. Chapter 34: Crisis of Faith

_**Disclaimer: I'm not Stephenie, nor do I play her on TV.**_

**Chapter Thirty-Four: Crisis of Faith**

Vampires are supposed to have perfect memory, unparalleled recall. But I remembered almost nothing of the trip to the hospital once Carlisle climbed into the back of the ambulance with one of the medics, the other paramedic shutting the doors behind them. I vaguely recalled sliding into the passenger seat of the police cruiser beside Charlie at the wheel, but the thoughts of Bella's father did not, could not, permeate my mind.

When I thought back later, I realized that every moment with Bella in the ballet studio was crystal-clear. Not that I wanted to remember any part of it: Bella's screams of agony, her fragrant blood pooling around her fragile, broken body, the feeling—no, the _knowledge—_that I was going to kill her. Each detail was seared into my perfect memory.

But that twenty minutes in Charlie's cruiser between our house and the hospital entrance? I remembered hardly a thing except for the fear that gripped me so hard that I shook with it.

Charlie had barely seen Bella—Carlisle had gathered her into his arms as soon as we heard the sirens, lifting her from the icy water of the bathtub, carrying her soaking form down the stairs to meet the ambulance on our front porch. The medics knew Carlisle and acquiesced immediately when he ordered them to open the bay doors so he could lift Bella to the stretcher. The paramedics quickly strapped her to the gurney, and a mere moment later the ambulance was disappearing down our driveway toward the highway.

I don't even know if Charlie spoke to me during that interminable twenty-minute lifetime that he followed the wailing and flashing sirens, his own siren joining the cacophony of sound I blocked from my mind, to the emergency entrance to Forks Community Hospital.

Standing against a sage green wall, still as a statue, with Charlie pacing in front of me across the ER waiting room, my remembrance flooded back at last—and then only because Carlisle stood before us to report on Bella's condition.

The words were hazy, unclear—nothing my father said seemed to make sense; it was as if he were speaking one of the few languages I did not know. The words floated in front of me, utterly meaningless: influenza, pneumonia, pleural effusion. Then Alice was beside me, pulling me into a padded wooden chair, wrapping her slender arms around me. She was shushing someone, someone whose wracking sobs were shaking the chairs, disturbing the other people anxiously waiting for other reasons.

It took several moments before I realized that I was the one sobbing—dry, wracking cries bursting from the depths of my heart, trembling and shaking as vampires are supposedly unable to do. The first words that registered with me were Alice's calming mantra—repeated over and over for I don't know how long until I finally heard it:

"Bella's strong, Edward. She'll make it through this. She'll be fine. Bella's strong. She'll be fine. She'll make it, Edward. It's okay. Hush now."

Alice's arms were around me, rocking me, attempting to soothe me. At last I raised my head, noticing that Charlie had sunk into a chair beside me, his head in his hands. I looked at Alice questioningly—Carlisle was gone. What had he said? I remembered nothing.

Alice whispered, too low for Charlie to hear. "They're trying to get her fever down, and they're pushing IV antibiotics to fight the pneumonia. Her heart rate is still irregular, so they're monitoring her. But because of that, they're worried about putting in the chest tube to drain the fluid from her lungs. They're doing everything they can."

I nodded miserably, looking into Alice's tight, worried face as she remained kneeling in front of me, her arms still around me. As Alice soothed me, I realized that the rest of my family was not in the waiting room with us.

"Where is Esme? Jazz? Emmett?" I asked in a low tone.

"You know how Esme is about hospitals." Alice grimaced, recalling Esme's horror of these places since the death of her baby so many years ago. "And Jazz—he just can't handle your emotions. I told him to stay home with Esme; she's frantic and feeling horribly guilty for not being here. But Jazz feels just as horrible; he wants to be here to help you, but he just can't. Em's with him and Esme, trying to keep up their spirits." She stopped, then took a deep breath.

"And you?"

Alice swallowed hard, her petite face grim but determined. "I love her too, Edward—almost as much as you do. Bella is my sister in almost every way possible. She just can't die."

I hugged Alice to me, feeling her anxiety and near-panic fuse with mine. We both loved Bella, as did all my family. She was part of all of us.

"Have you seen the outcome?" I whispered, almost choking on the words.

"No, and I don't understand why I haven't. It doesn't make sense." Alice's frustration was a palpable thing.

I clung to my sister, and she held onto me, then reached over and placed a hand on Charlie's balled fists which he clasped together under his chin, his elbows on his knees.

"Hang in there, Charlie," Alice encouraged softly. "She'll make it."

"So sudden," Charlie moaned. "How did it get so bad so sudden?" He rubbed one hand over his face. "She seemed fine this morning."

"I know," I whispered. "I don't understand it."

I could have listened to Carlisle and the nurses treating Bella, but I closed my ears and my mind, unwilling and unable to follow their words, their thoughts. I could only wait to hear whether Bella would live.

Whether I would live.

Carlisle came to us a few hours later to give an updated report. Bella's heart rate had stabilized, but her fever was still at 104—still too high. She had not yet regained consciousness, but they had been able to place the chest tube. We could be cautiously hopeful although it was still "touch and go."

Bella's life still hung in the balance.

I vaguely heard Charlie ask Carlisle what kind of illness Bella had contracted.

"I'm still waiting for the tests to come back, but I'm fairly sure it's a particularly virulent strain of the H1N1 Influenza. We have six other cases in the hospital at the moment, but none as serious as Bella's. She quickly developed pneumonia, and her lungs started filling with fluid. It's called pleural effusion."

The word "influenza" struck at my heart again. I barely felt Carlisle's comforting hand on my shoulder for a moment; I watched his lips move as he spoke as my father reassured us, but very little seemed to register in my super-human mind.

I was in my own hell-on-earth.

But at least this time Bella's life was not endangered by me.

However, that knowledge brought me no peace.

A few hours later, as the clouded skies began to lighten with the coming of the dawn, a thought occurred to me.

If Bella were truly dying, would I ask Carlisle to change her...as he had changed me just before I was to die of the same disease almost a century ago?

Part of me was ready to get up and ask him to be ready to do so...ask him to be prepared to spirit her from the morgue as he had done with me, and we would meet somewhere remote while Bella went through the three days of hell...

Damn the treaty with the wolves. Bella's life was more important. We would deal with the Quileutes if and when necessary.

Three days of hell...

_Hell._

Could I damn Bella's soul to hell, just so I would not lose her?

Again my heart was divided, selfishly wanting to keep my lovely one beside me always, for all eternity.

But my heart also wished for her the paradise I could never enter. Heaven. Bliss. The blessed state of rest that creatures like myself were forever banned from entering, from even considering.

How Carlisle could still believe in heaven for our kind was preposterous. Unthinkable. Well, perhaps not unthinkable for Carlisle himself—for my father who had never killed or even injured a human being, who had saved hundreds—no, _thousands_ of human lives over his almost four centuries. For such a one as Carlisle, then, the possibility of entering heaven existed. Perhaps.

But for Bella—my Bella who was good to the core—heaven definitely waited for her, its gates wide open. She wasn't a particularly religious person, but Bella was so good that there was no way she wouldn't have an eternity in heaven waiting for her.

An eternity that I could never share with her.

An eternity without her here with me, smiling and laughing and loving.

How could I go on without her?

I could not.

I would not.

Again, as it had several months before as we barreled through Phoenix to the ballet studio, Volterra came to mind. The one place where I would be assured of certain death if I but asked. And if the Volturi were reluctant to grant my request, I would force their hand.

Such a simple plan.

Such a perfect plan.

I felt the corners of my mouth lift in a wry smile

At the same moment, I felt Alice gripping my upper arms in an unbreakable grasp, shaking me none too gently. Kneeling before me still, she lowered her head to look me in the eyes and shook me again, roughly. I was limp as a human in her immortal grasp.

"No way!" she growled in a voice too low for Charlie's hearing. I glanced at him quickly to be sure he couldn't hear, and I saw that he had fallen asleep, his head supported against the green wall behind our chairs. I turned my face back to Alice's furious visage. She shook me yet again.

"You are _so __not_ going to Volterra if this doesn't end well, Edward. Think of Carlisle and Esme! Think of me! You can't do that to us!"

I closed my eyes, bowing my head once again as I ignored her.

Instead, my mind took me to a safe place, a protected place. A place where Bella and I sat in the sunshine, and she tentatively traced my sparkling arm, examined my glittering hand, her face alight with curiosity and...yes, with love...

Then my mind transported me to a forest scene where I stood facing the side of Emmett's gargantuan Jeep, my hands placed strategically on either side of Bella's head as I gently lowered my lips to sweep up the side of her throat, along her jaw, to the side of her mouth, then slowly, ever so slowly, brushed her warm lips with my icy ones, her scent swirling around me...

Other scenes came one atop another: gathering Bella into my lap on my leather sofa as Alice and Jasper entered to ask us about playing baseball, Jazz with an eyebrow raised at mine and Bella's shocking proximity...holding Bella close to me as she peacefully slept, she murmuring my name and her love in her low, beautiful voice...kissing her on our private beach just a few days ago after sailing up the Washington coast...my hands reveling in her stunning body as she lay atop the piano in our hotel suite, Bella looking more seductive than she ever knew...

I remained in these happy memories, pushing away reality for as long as I could as Charlie snored softly beside me, Alice returned petulantly to the chair on my other side as the sunrise arrived at long last.

I am not sure how long I sat there, awash in Bella's beauty and in our love, my mind far, far away from the cramped waiting room of Forks Community Hospital.

Denial was a lovely place to live...for a short while.

Suddenly Alice shot to her feet beside me, grabbing my hand and pulling me with her. I looked at her in shock. "What's going on? Is Bella..." I couldn't make myself say it.

"You're coming with me," my sister insisted quietly, not wanting to wake Charlie who was still sleeping beside me. I allowed her to drag me through the waiting room and down a long hall to the closed double-doors of a room neither of us had entered before.

Alice pushed through the doors with their small windows of colored glass into the small chapel. Four wooden pews on each side of a center aisle led forward to a small podium topped with a simple wooden cross. On the wall beyond the cross were three narrow stained glass windows in bright geometric patterns.

My sister slid into a pew on the right, and I followed her. Bending forward, she unfolded a padded kneeler then sank onto it; I did the same. As if we had planned it, we both made to sign of the cross, pressing our fingertips to our foreheads, our chests, our left shoulders, then our right. Alice bent her head in silent prayer, and I watched her, fascinated.

I had never seen my sister pray or do anything faintly religious in the more than fifty years since she and Jasper had joined our family. But here Alice was, dragging me into the hospital's tiny prayer chapel and practically forcing me to pray. Her eyes closed, her face still, her lips trembling with the rapidity of her intercessions, Alice remained otherwise still. Praying.

After a moment, I turned to look ahead at the wooden cross.

Could I do it? Or ask Carlisle to do it?

Could I take away Bella's eternity in paradise? For an eternity with me?

Would it be saving her life? Or losing her soul?

I had no easy answers.

So at last, I, too, closed my eyes and began to pray, my sister at my side.

_**Loved the reviews for the last chapter! I keep hearing how weird it is that this story has so few reviews...so help me look respectable, okay? Please review! Hoping to update in a few days...trying for twice weekly during summer. **_

_**-Cassandra :)**_


	35. Chapter 35: Hope Restored

_**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer; I'm merely playing in her lovely sandbox. **_

**Chapter Thirty-Five: Hope Restored**

Alice and I remained unmoving, kneeling side-by-side in the chapel for an immeasurable time. It was not until the doors of the chapel were gentle pushed open and quiet footsteps approached us that I raised my head.

Carlisle stood at my side, looking down on Alice and myself in bemusement and wonder. I nudged Alice with my elbow, and she too raised her head to see our father. We both rose from the kneeler and seated ourselves in the pew.

Carlisle sank gracefully to one knee, crossing himself, before he slid into the pew beside me, Alice and I scooting aside to make room for him.

"You two never cease to surprise me," Carlisle said, speaking in a low voice as he looked from one to the other of us. "This is the last place I would have thought to find either of you."

Alice gave him a grim smile. "It was the only thing I could think to actually _DO_," she said quietly. "Waiting helplessly was driving me insane."

Carlisle returned her smile, then looked at us both. "Bella is slowly improving. The chest tube is draining the fluid from her lungs, so her breathing and heart rate are normalizing. Her fever is down a little. We've transferred her from the ER to the ICU for right now, so two visitors at a time may be with her. Charlie's already there now."

I was up, flashing past Carlisle and out the chapel doors almost before he had finished speaking, Alice on my heels. "Slow down! You're going to draw attention to yourselves!" Carlisle hissed behind us, following more sedately.

Reluctantly I made a deliberate effort to humanize my movements, sensing Alice behind me doing the same. As we passed the windows in the waiting area, I was surprised to see how light it was outside; it seemed to be mid-morning. Stepping aside, I allowed Carlisle to pass before me to make a show of leading us to the ICU area, although Alice and I knew exactly where it was.

Carlisle pushed through the doors of the ICU, escorting us to a private room in which Charlie sat on the far side of the hospital bed. My eyes were immediately drawn to the still form in the bed, and if I had been able to cry, tears would have been streaming down my face at what I saw. I heard Alice's soft gasp behind me as we slowly approached the bed.

Bella was incredibly pale, all color leached from her cheeks, her freckles appearing abnormally dark against the whiteness of her skin. Huge purple circles colored the skin below her closed eyes. Oxygen tubes were taped to her cheekbones as they had been in Phoenix, and an IV was inserted into the crook of her arm. A much wider tube was inserted in the side of her chest, draining fluid into a bag hung on the side of her bed. Her breathing still required extra effort, and I could hear the wetness of her lungs with each rattling breath she took.

This was far worse than Phoenix.

Yes, there the doctors had worked on her, but she had been stable throughout their treatment: setting her leg, taping her ribs, taking MRIs of her head and checking Carlisle's perfect stitches, binding the open wound on her hand. In Phoenix Bella had never been in the ICU for those injuries...with a crash cart on standby in the corner of the room.

Charlie looked up when we entered and gave Carlisle and Alice a grim smile, ignoring me.

Carlisle cleared his voice quietly before speaking. "The ICU regulations allow for family only—which I've talked the nurses into waiving—and for only two visitors at a time. But if it's okay with you, Charlie, I'll allow Edward and Alice in for a few minutes with you, and then they can take turns staying with Bella."

Charlie nodded. "When do you think she'll wake up, Doc?"

Carlisle folded his lips tightly. "I'm not sure. Her body is struggling to mend itself; her fever is still rather high despite the medications. The more rest she has at this point, the better, I think."

Carlisle turned to us. "Ten minutes in here with the both of you, then only two people in here at a time. Figure it out for yourselves." He nodded to Charlie then left the room.

I stepped up to the side of the bed, reaching out to run a tentative finger down Bella's arm to her hand. Her skin was still so warm...too warm. I took her small hand in mine. Alice looked at me for a moment, then disappeared, returning in a moment with a wheeled stool which she pushed toward me to sit on. Thanking her with a nod, I seated myself opposite Charlie, each one of us grasping one of Bella's hands.

Alice moved up to Bella's head and gently smoothed the tangled hair back from Bella's forehead in a soothing motion.

No one spoke; all six eyes were focused on this fragile girl, so beloved by so many. Despite the multitude of people in the hospital building, not a single thought permeated my mind, and for that small grace, I was thankful.

Carlisle poked his head back in a few moments later. "Alice? Are you leaving first?" he gently reminded.

She nodded, leaning forward to press her lips to Bella's hot forehead. "I'll see you later, Bella," she whispered. Alice moved around the bed and over to Charlie, reaching up to hug him. Refusing to let Bella's hand loose, he stood and awkwardly returned Alice's hug with one arm around her shoulders.

"See you in a bit, Charlie," Alice whispered. Charlie nodded, then reseated himself in a padded wooden chair, identical to the ones in the waiting room. Alice stopped beside me and touched my arm sympathetically; words were not needed between us. Then she was gone.

Charlie awkwardly cleared his throat, glancing at me from time to time, but my eyes did not leave Bella's face. I felt a sense of deja-vu as I sat beside Bella's hospital bed as I had only a couple of months ago in Phoenix. Then I had been with Renee whose thoughts were much more friendly toward me than Charlie's were now. He resented my presence in the ICU while at the same time he acknowledged a depth to my feelings for Bella that he had not credited to me before—a thought that did not please him.

As the day passed, Carlisle or a nurse coming in to check Bella's vitals and to examine her. Her fever remained the same, her lungs continued to drain fluid, and she remained perfectly still...almost vampirically still.

Alice returned in the mid-afternoon to chivvy Charlie down to the cafeteria to eat a late lunch, pretending to bring in some food for me. Only with much prodding and persuasion was Alice able to convince Bella's father to leave her side for twenty minutes. When he finally left, standing awkwardly and stretching his obviously-aching muscles after being in the same position for so many hours, Alice took his place, picking up Bella's hand and holding it to her cold cheek.

"Have you seen anything yet?" I asked quietly, glad for the privacy and for the temporary removal of Charlie's uncomfortable presence.

Alice shook her head. "Nothing. I don't know why. Perhaps because she's unconscious and unable to make a decision?" Her voice raised like a question.

I shook my head, not knowing and bemused.

Carlisle entered the room quietly. "I saw Charlie leave. Is he going to get something to eat?" Alice nodded.

"Good. Thanks, Alice," Carlisle said, placing an affectionate hand on her shoulder before checking Bella's temperature and vitals.

"Any change?" I asked Carlisle as he worked, afraid to hope.

"No, not really."

I felt numb—as if nothing was ever going to change during this long, long day—a day that seemed eternal to this eternal being.

As I obviously was not moving from Bella's side, Carlisle reached for the small lunch chest Alice had brought in, unzipping it and removing the apple core and sandwich wrapper, placing them next to the chest on the table beside me to make it appear that I had eaten. The stage was now set for Charlie's return, and Carlisle returned to his examination of Bella.

"Is she still in danger, Carlisle?" I asked, afraid to hear the answer.

"I think she'll be fine, Edward," my father replied, leaning over Bella to pull back her eyelids and flash his small light into them, testing her pupil response and therefore not looking at me.

"That's not an answer," I growled. "Is she still in danger?"

"Yes, but I really think she'll pull through just fine. She's young, strong, and healthy—all circumstances in her favor."

"She's so fragile," I moaned quietly. Gently I placed her hand on the bed and turned to my father. "I have to ask you something, Carlisle."

He finished his exam of Bella and looked at me, waiting.

"If she starts to fail, will you...?" I choked, unable to get the words out.

Carlisle face froze in an expression of shock. "Change her?" he whispered.

"Yes."

Carlisle turned back to Bella, placing his pale hand on her hot forehead as I listened to the thoughts passing through his mind:

_Bella is already an integral part of this family. She nearly became one of us only a few months ago; she would have been changed then if it weren't for Edward. He needs her so desperately...more than he knows, I think..._

I did not allow his thoughts to change my expression. Or my resolve.

_ "_Is that what you want, Edward? Do you want her to become one of us?"

I did not look away from Carlisle when I heard Alice's gasp of surprise.

I spoke slowly and deliberately, "No, I don't want that...not when she has a human life to live. But if the choice comes down to changing her or her death, then yes, I want her to be changed."

Carlisle looked deeply into my resolute eyes, and then he nodded. "I doubt we'll get to that point, Edward; I really believe she'll recover without incident. But if death is imminent, then yes, we'll change her."

_ "We?" _I asked, surprised by his choice of word.

"Don't you want to do it, Edward?"

The shock must have been apparent on my face. "I thought you would do it, Carlisle. I am not sure I can, not with the power her blood has for me. I'm afraid I would lose control..."

Carlisle placed a fatherly hand on my shoulder. "After what happened in that ballet studio, Edward, I have every confidence in your strength and control. If you change her, Bella will belong to you in a way you cannot imagine now. With your venom in her system, she'll be yours; I would think that both of you would desire you to be the one, Son."

"Carlisle?" Alice's whisper came to us, surprising me; I had forgotten she was in the room. Her eyes had the accustomed blankness that meant she was seeing something beyond her physical environs. "I see her...Bella will wake within the next hour."

Carlisle looked down at his wristwatch, then at Alice with a small smile. "Excellent. I'm very glad to hear it." He turned to look toward the door. "I hear Charlie's footsteps. Edward, you had better leave just for appearance's sake—only for a few moments for a 'bathroom break.' Then you may return." He scooped up Bella's chart, removing a pen from the front pocket of his white coat.

Reluctantly I nodded, and Alice flitted to my side of the bed, ready to take my place and clearing Charlie's seat for him. When Charlie pushed open the door, with a little more color on his tired face after eating, he looked immediately to Bella before turning to Carlisle.

"Any news, Doc?"

Carlisle wrote something on Bella's chart, then hung it at the end of her bed. "No, nothing new, Charlie, but right now, 'no news is good news.'"

Charlie nodded, rubbing his hand along the back of his neck.

"You could use a nap. I can have an orderly bring in a recliner for you so you can sleep."

"No thanks, Doc. I'm fine right here." It was obvious from whom Bella had inherited her innate stubbornness.

Carlisle smiled at him. "Very well then. I'll be back a little later to check on her."

"Thanks," Charlie mumbled, taking up Bella's hand in his again.

"Alice?" my father questioned, and she gave me a hard look. Oh, yes...I was supposed to leave for a "human moment" to avoid Charlie's suspicion.

I stood, stretching my arms unnecessarily and said, "I'm heading for the restroom for a moment. Be right back."

Alice quickly took my seat on the stool, then grabbed the remains of my "lunch" so that Charlie would definitely see it. "How about cleaning up after yourself?" she mock-grumbled.

"Fine," I sighed, taking the trash with me as I followed Carlisle from the room.

_Give me about ten minutes with Charlie, okay? _Alice thought as the door closed quietly behind us.

I informed Carlisle of Alice's request, then we separated, he to check on other patients while I walked to the nurses' station to ask for the bathroom for appearance's sake, not that I didn't already know its location.

"Right around the corner, first door on your left," replied a young blonde nurse. Her thoughts then became unnecessarily admiring of my person in a rather lewd manner that I attempted to ignore; I tried to divert my mind from the thoughts in hers, concentrating instead on the good news Alice had given us of Bella's imminent waking.

Rounding the corner, I entered the men's room, locked the door behind me, and splashed cold water on my face from the sink. Standing up to dry my face with a paper towel, I tracked Alice's and Charlie's conversation from Bella's room.

"How are you doing, Charlie?" Alice's voice was quiet but friendly, and I envied my sister's easy relationship with Bella's father—far more natural than my relationship with the police chief.

She noted the tired way he rubbed his free hand across his eyes, his other hand holding onto Bella's.

"Fine, fine," he answered absently.

"I hope you don't mind our being here. We love Bella as if she were family."

Charlie looked at Alice, his eyes suddenly alert. "I know that, and I appreciate it, Alice. It just occurred to me..." his voice trailed off, and Charlie blushed with embarrassment. So that's where Bella gets her adorable blushing from.

"What, Charlie?" Alice asked, her voice patient.

"I see how much he cares for her. How much he loves her." His voice was soft, reluctantly admiring. I smiled to myself wryly, noting that Charlie still referred to me as "he" rather than by name.

"Yes, he does. Edward loves her more than life itself," Alice replied gently.

"I see that. I just wish..." Charlie sighed loudly, then continued. "I wish that Bella was still eight and eager to go fishing with me every Saturday. She's growing up so fast—she's almost an adult. And I have a funny feeling that she's not going to be with me for much longer." The last sentence was barely a whisper, but Alice and I heard it without question.

"I see in her eyes how much she loves him, too. I know he's going to take her away. I know it's how it's supposed to be. But I just got her back, and I'm not ready to lose her so soon."

Alice's thoughts were sympathetic as she hugged Charlie. _Tread carefully, Edward,_ she warned. _Charlie is really upset. _

I tossed the damp paper towel and my lunch trash into the waste receptacle and left the bathroom, walking slowly back toward Bella's room.

"At least he's not talking my ear off while we're stuck here together," Charlie grumbled as I pushed open the door. Alice's grin in response to Charlie's comment greeted me as I slid back onto the stool at Bella's side.I took her hand inmine, then looked at Alice in surprise.

"I think her hand is cooler," I said, looking from Alice to Charlie.

Alice placed her hand on Bella's forehead. "I think you're right. Let me get Carlisle." She disappeared out the door in search of our father.

I smiled at Charlie in relief, and he looked back at me, not quite willing to celebrate yet until he heard the news from Carlisle. But I recognized the difference in Bella's temperature, and my heart was already lightening.

Carlisle entered the room, Alice on his heels, both smiling. Carlisle placed the thermometer gently in Bella's ear, then a moment later, withdrew it. He looked down at the apparatus, then looked at Charlie, his smile widening. "100.3" he said, "down almost four degrees."

Alice flew into Carlisle's arms, joyfully hugging him, then turned to me, wrapping her arms around me tightly, her smile wide. In just a moment she had rounded the bed and was embracing Charlie as well. "Good news!" she crowed, and Charlie finally cracked a smile.

Then we all turned toward the bed as a hoarse voice croaked, "Edward?" And I felt a faint squeeze of my cold hand. 

_**To quote Alice from the New Moon movie, "Show me the love!" Please review! **_

_**Thanks for all the terrific reviews for the last chapter—you all made me soooo happy! Yay! :)**_


	36. Chapter 36: Recovery

_**A/N: I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV. So I apologize in advance if I messed up any medical procedures/technicalities. I only know enough about medicine from watching **_**ER**_** and **_**House**_**.**_

_**Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer; I am just taking a leisurely stroll through her world, borrowing a few characters here and there with no intent to profit from this story besides receiving awesome reviews...**__**many**__** awesome reviews.**_

**Chapter Thirty-Six: Recovery**

Bella's eyelashes fluttered, and then at last her eyes opened, their chocolate warmth engulfing me with a cascading sense of relief and joy. "Edward?" she repeated hoarsely.

"I'm here, love," I said, raising her hand to my lips, managing a tremulous smile after the stress of the past twenty-four hours.

As she had attempted in the hospital in Phoenix, she reached with her free hand for the oxygen under her nose in annoyance. And again my free hand caught hers before she could remove the line taped to her face.

"Leave the oxygen alone, Bella. You still need it."

She looked around, her eyes slowly regaining focus, obviously bemused at the number of people surrounding her bed. "Dad? Alice? Carlisle?" she whispered. She cleared her throat, wincing in pain, before continuing hoarsely, "What happened?"

Carlisle stepped forward. "You have the H1N1 Influenza, Bella, and you quickly developed pneumonia. Your fever was so high that you have been unconscious for the past twenty-four hours. We had to place a chest tube to drain the fluid from your lungs, so please try to stay still; we'll remove it as soon as possible. Now that your fever has finally broken, you'll be fine now."

Charlie stood unmoving beside Bella's bed, as if he couldn't believe that she was conscious at last. "Bella?"

She closed her eyes, already tired from the conversation, but she still spoke. "Hey, Dad." She reached for his hand blindly across her bed covers with her free hand as I held her other one, and Charlie grasped her fragile hand, careful of the IV in her arm.

"I got you, kid," Charlie whispered. "You'll be okay."

She nodded, eyes still closed, and, exhausted from conversing with us, fell into a natural sleep. I noticed that she was breathing much easier, and the frown of pain was absent from her face. She looked as if she were truly resting at last.

"Sleep is the best thing for her right now," Carlisle said quietly, picking up her chart and making several notations. Then he looked at Charlie seriously, using his best physician-giving orders-voice, "And you need to go home and sleep yourself, Charlie. You aren't going to do Bella any good by wearing yourself out."

Charlie rubbed his eyes wearily. "Yeah, Doc. I guess you're right about that. I'll head home for a bit, I think. You'll call me if anything changes?"

Carlisle smiled, replying "Absolutely, Charlie. You have my word."

Charlie nodded, and Alice gave Bella's father a quick hug. "We all will be going home to rest, too. We'll see you later," she said quietly, although her thoughts revealed her lie; my sister knew very well that nothing short of the apocalypse could make me leave Bella's side.

Charlie got to his feet, leaned awkwardly over the bed rail to kiss Bella's forehead, then, after glancing around the room at us and narrowing his eyes at me, cleared his throat nervously before striding out the door. I suppressed a smile; Charlie knew just as well as Alice that I wasn't going anywhere.

Carlisle placed his hands on my shoulders, the gesture reassuring. "She'll be fine, Edward. The antibiotics are doing their job, and the chest tube can probably be removed tonight, tomorrow at the latest." I nodded, not taking my eyes off Bella's face.

"I'm going home to see Jazz and tell Esme the good news," chirped Alice. "I'll be back tonight." She gave Carlisle a quick kiss on the cheek, then did the same to me before flitting out the room.

"I need to check on a few patients. I'm leaving orders for Bella to be transferred out of the ICU to a regular private room. They'll move her in an hour or two."

"All right," I whispered.

Carlisle removed his hands from my shoulders and walked around Bella's bed to face me. "Edward, look at me."

With effort I took my eyes off Bella's still, pale face to fix my focus on my father.

"Edward, Bella will be fine. She's recovering nicely at this point. Although I'm not Jasper, I can sense the anxiety and worry still rolling off you. Please know that all will be well."

I forced the words out, almost choking on them as I spoke, almost growling, "I am so afraid that I am going to lose her, Carlisle."

My father smiled. "Not this time, Son. But I'm sure that the diagnosis of influenza brought back memories of your parents. Am I right?"

I nodded reluctantly. "She's so fragile. I've come close to losing her far too many times as it is," I whispered, my heart sinking further at the truth of my words.

Carlisle looked at me sharply. "This illness is not your fault, Edward. How can you possibly blame yourself for influenza?"

I kept my eyes focused on Bella; I couldn't handle much more of my father's sympathy or I would break down. I took a deep breath to steady myself, soaking in Bella's beloved scent as I did so. "I should have taken her to the ER as soon as she showed symptoms—before she developed pneumonia."

"It came on quickly, Edward; there was no way you could have known she would develop pneumonia almost immediately."

I continued as if Carlisle had not spoken. "And think about what happened in Phoenix; we were almost too late then, too. Not to mention the incident with Tyler's van. And I almost killed her myself in our biology class on the first day we met; I must have plotted a hundred ways of getting her alone so that I could kill her."

Carlisle shook his head sadly. "Yes, humans are fragile. And Bella seems to bring trouble along with her at an alarming rate," he smiled grimly, but I could see the worry behind his expression. "Are you thinking about changing her?"

I shook my head. "I don't know; I'm torn. Part of me wants Bella to always remain human—she deserves a normal life, a life without mythical creatures who put her life in constant danger. She deserves the joy of a family, to have children, to grow and mature into the woman she is intended to be, and to go to heaven when she dies. I can't stand being apart from her, yet I can't bear the thought of her becoming like us: frozen, bloodthirsty, a killer. I want her forever, for myself, but how can our life be the right choice for her?"

"What does Bella want?" he asked, his eyes serious as he pondered my dilemma.

"She wants to become one of us—no question about it."

Carlisle smiled wryly, "So what's the problem?"

My eyes bored into his as I ground out, my face livid, "I. Will. Not. Damn. Her. Soul."

He shrugged, unimpressed with my anger. "I'm not getting into this old argument at this time, Edward. I completely disagree with you. But you know my views on the matter."

Now his eyes bored into mine. "This is for you and Bella to work out between you. But I suggest you listen to her, Edward, and consider carefully her side of the argument. You can't make her decisions for her, after all."

"I need to protect her, Carlisle. I can't allow her to go through the agony of changing and then regret losing her humanity as Rosalie so clearly has done."

Carlisle winced, then spoke quietly. "Yes, Rosalie has indeed regretted this life. But just because Rosalie has regrets does not mean that Bella will. They possess quite different personalities and desires; you cannot project Rose's desires upon Bella. It's not fair to Bella."

"But I can't take that chance, Carlisle. How could I steal her beautiful human life just so I will never risk losing her? It's incredibly selfish of me to even consider it." I looked away from him and focused my eyes again on the beautiful face I adored. "I just can't do that to her, no matter how much she _thinks _she wants to become one of us."

Carlisle glanced at his watch, saying, "I need to go see my other patients. I'll be back in an hour to check on Bella."

I nodded absently, my mind still focused on Bella, not noticing when he left the room. I watched her sleep deeply, her breathing sounding much more normal. I placed my hand on her forehead and smiled faintly when I detected almost no fever.

Bella was going to get well. I rejoiced in the fact of her recovery, yet my heart remained heavy. Her human life was such a fragile thing—as delicate and as beautiful as a butterfly, as ephemeral as a sunset. So easily could she be snatched away from me, through accident, illness, violence. With the way that Fate seemed to conspire against her, would I have the sixty years of her human life I had hoped to spend with her if I refused to change her?

I knew one thing as surely as I knew my own name: if Bella left this earth, I would not be far behind her. I refused to remain on this earth without my angel. My existence was nothing without her—it was worthless, pointless, empty.

An hour later Carlisle accompanied the orderlies when they transferred Bella from the ICU to a private room, and I refused to let her out of my sight as they did so. Soon she was settled, still sleeping soundly, in a quiet room at the end of a corridor. After Carlisle left and the nurse checked her vitals, during which Bella woke momentarily, too exhausted to do more than squeeze my hand and whisper "I love you" before falling asleep again, I pulled the chair close to her bedside. As I had in Phoenix, I laid my head beside hers on the pillow, watching her with loving but sorrowful eyes, not letting go of her grip that remained constant even in her deepest sleep.

Carlisle came back in a few hours later, checking Bella's chart then laying a pale hand on her forehead. He smiled at me. "No fever. Her temperature is normal."

"Should she be sleeping so much, Carlisle?" I asked worriedly.

"Yes. She's going to be tired and weak for a while. This illness has taken a great deal from her, and she will need time to regain her strength and endurance."

"What about her job at Newton's?"

Carlisle shook his head as he replied, "She needs to take at least two weeks off from work to recuperate fully, although I would prefer four. She is going to tire extremely easily, and she will require a great deal of rest to recover fully. Going to work before she regains her full strength is one of the worst things she can do."

I looked at my father beseechingly. "Please, Carlisle, tell her to take four weeks off from work. I don't want her going back too early. You know how stubborn Bella can be; I need her to be well."

Carlisle nodded, smiling a little. "Four weeks it is, then." He flipped her chart closed and slid it into place at the foot of her bed. He came behind me, placing both hands on my shoulders again. "You need to go home for a bit, too, Son. Hunt. Shower. Then come back."

I shook my head in negation.

"Edward, your eyes are completely black. You need to hunt," Carlisle insisted.

"I'm fine. I don't need to hunt. I can't leave anyway; I have to be here when she wakes."

Carlisle looked at me for a long moment, then nodded briskly and silently left the room. "I'll be back to remove the chest tube soon," he said quietly before closing her door behind him.

Again I settled my head on Bella's pillow, content to merely be close to her. I listened to her light, even breaths, the steady thrumming of her heart, now sounding normal again, all the while I inhaled her beloved and intoxicating scent, basking in the truth that she was still with me, still alive when this illness could have taken her away from me forever.

I was so wrapped up in the blessed normalcy of Bella's vital signs that I almost didn't notice the quiet knock or the entrance of another person into the room. Expecting a nurse or physician's assistant, or perhaps my father, my eyes never left Bella's beautiful face; I was not even aware of this person's thoughts through my utter absorption in Bella's every breath, every heartbeat.

But then I heard the awkward clearing of a throat, and I sat up blindingly fast, finding myself facing the anxious dark eyes and worried mind of Jacob Black.

_**Thanks so much for reading **_**Evening Star**_**; sorry for the delay in posting. We had company here over the holiday weekend plus the kids and I spent a couple of days at the beach. **_

_**As always, reviews are very much appreciated—and they spur me on to write and update faster! :)**_


	37. Chapter 37: A Visitor

_**Disclaimer: I'm not Stephenie Meyer; I only wish I were. Or I wish I had dreamed up Twilight and then written about it. That would have been cool. But, alas, I am not her; I am only playing around with her brilliant characters. **_

**Chapter Thirty-Seven: A Visitor**

Jacob looked surprised at my beyond-human speed movement as I sat up from lying across Bella's pillow. In his shock, he unconsciously stepped back toward the door he had just entered.

"Oh, hey," Jacob said awkwardly. He saw that Bella was sleeping and kept his voice low. _God, I don't want to wake her after all she's been through today. Charlie sure was worried about her when he called Billy this afternoon. _

I nodded coldly. What did Jacob Black think he was doing, coming to Bella's room?

"Um, Charlie told my dad about Bella being sick and in the hospital, so I thought I'd come by," Jacob mumbled, looking down at the bouquet of daisies in his hand as if he didn't know what they were. _Why did I come here again? This is so weird, _Jacob thought. _That_ _Cullen guy is staring at me like I'm an alien or something... _

Before I could say anything, the door opened behind Jacob, and Alice nudged her way into the room. Turning to face Jacob, she said cheerily, "Oh, hi! I'm Alice Cullen. Did you come to see Bella?"

Jacob looked down at his shoes now, more awkward than ever in the light of Alice's friendliness. "Yeah. Uh, nice to meet you. I'm Jacob Black. My dad was worried about her." His voice cracked a little in his nervousness. "About Bella, I mean."

"Of course," Alice said kindly. "Would you like me to put those flowers in water for you?"

"Um, sure," he said, blushing under his dark skin as he handed Alice the bouquet. _I heard that the Cullen girls were pretty, but man! Even this little one takes my breath away. She's like, perfect. _

"I'll be right back," Alice said, still smiling as she slipped out of the room. _Be nice to him! s_he scolded me.

Grinning at the boy's admiration of my sister, I cleared my throat quietly, regaining Jacob Black's attention. "Bella has been sleeping ever since she was brought in late yesterday afternoon. She's only awakened a couple of times and then for just a minute or two. I'm sorry you can't talk to her," I stated politely, but with a stony expression; I remembered all too well his shy admiration of Bella at the Prom.

"How's she doing?" he asked, walking toward Bella's bed, his eyes fixed on her pale face. "She doesn't look so good."

I restrained my temper at his assessment; Bella was always beautiful, even after another brush with a near-death experience. _Of course she doesn't look well; she almost died today, you moron! _I wanted to growl at him. But I didn't want to wake Bella or be too rude to Jacob, despite my deep-seated distrust of him. "She's better now, but it was touch-and-go for a while when her fever was high," I said quietly, keeping my eyes fixed on Bella as well.

Jacob nodded, then noticed Bella's hand clasped around mine. "You must have been worried sick," he said. His sympathy surprised me, but I could tell from his thoughts that he earnestly meant his kind words.

"Yes," I breathed. "We've all been concerned. Charlie, Alice, and I have been here since she was brought in, and Carlisle treated her at our house when she first became ill and came in the ambulance with her. The influenza went into pneumonia almost immediately, but now the antibiotics are working and she should be fine."

Jacob nodded in acknowledgment of the information. "Yeah, that's what Charlie said, only he was a lot more upset about it." Turning to him, I raised my eyebrow at Jacob's implied criticism. Does he think that we don't care about Bella? Has he no idea what these last twenty-seven hours have put me through? Put my family through? They loved Bella as one of their own, a fact that warmed my silent heart greatly.

"I mean," he backtracked quickly, "that Charlie gets so worked up whenever anything happens to Bella. He was barely coherent on the phone this afternoon."

I sighed, then nodded at Jacob. I must be overwrought still, taking offense at Jacob for no reason. I rubbed my free hand across my hand, weary with worry for Bella and with the stress of having Jacob visit her.

A rustle of clothing at the door alerted me to Alice's return. She had borrowed a tall glass vase from the nurses' station and brought in Jacob's bouquet, setting the vase on the wheeled table next to Bella's bed, admiring her arrangement. "These are beautiful, Jacob. I'm sure Bella will love them," she smiled, turning to him as she spoke.

Jacob returned her smile uncertainly, apparently a little dazed by her otherworldly beauty. Plus, Alice's sharp white teeth could be a little off-putting to most humans, despite her friendly demeanor.

The door opened again, and Carlisle entered. He looked at me, thinking, _I heard you and Jacob talking and wanted to meet him. So he's Ephraim Black's great-grandson?" _I nodded very slightly, answering his unspoken question.

My father stood at the end of the bed, flipping through Bella's chart, and I took the opportunity to introduce them. In my politest tone, I stated, "Carlisle, this is Jacob Black, a longtime friend of Bella's. Jacob, this is my father, Dr. Cullen." They nodded at each other, Carlisle friendly and Jacob stiffly. Carlisle wisely did not offer his hand as its coldness would undoubtedly disturb Jacob.

I listened to Jacob's thoughts without betraying my own. _Dad has warned the whole Res to stay away from the hospital because of Dr. Cullen. But he seems nice enough. I don't know what Dad's problem is. Superstitious old man..._

Carlisle walked to Bella's bedside. "Will you excuse me for a moment?" he said to Jacob with a kind smile. "I need to check Bella's temperature."

Jacob backed away from the bed, awkward again. "Um, do you want me to leave?" he asked.

"Oh, no," Carlisle said, still smiling. "I'll be out of your way in just a minute." My father inserted the thermometer gently into Bella's ear canal. She frowned in annoyance, her free hand moving to the side of her head, trying to push away the device.

"Sssshhhhh," Carlisle hushed comfortingly. "It's all right, Bella. I just need to take your temperature."

Her eyes opened slowly, and she laid her hand back on top of her blankets. "Hey," she smiled faintly at Carlisle before turning to me and squeezing my hand that she had refused to let go of, even in sleep. "What time is it?" she asked in a hoarse whisper.

"It's a little after seven in the evening," I answered as Carlisle removed the thermometer from her ear then lifted her free hand to count her pulse. Although the oxymeter on the tip of her index finger related her pulse in a digital readout, Carlisle preferred feeling a pulse to determine strength of the beat and discover irregularities that even the sensitive machinery could not detect.

He smiled at her as he finished. "Both your temperature and heart rate are normal, Bella. That's good news."

She nodded weakly at him, then asked me, "Where's Charlie?"

"He went home for a shower and a nap. He'll be back soon."

"I'm glad he went home to rest for a bit." She frowned, then continued, "How long have I been here? In the hospital?"

"You've been here about twenty-seven hours, love."

Her eyes widened. "But I was supposed to work today!" she exclaimed, attempting to sit up.

Carlisle gently pushed her back onto the pillows. "Charlie called the Newtons last night and told them you were in the hospital. I think that having a 105-degree fever qualifies you for a sick day, Bella," he said, trying to joke.

Without smiling, Bella slumped back into her bed, obviously exhausted already. She closed her eyes, whispering again, "How long will I have to be off work? Yesterday was my first day—I can't miss a lot of days with a new job."

Glancing at me first and acknowledging my nod, Carlisle responded, "You'll need four weeks to recuperate completely, Bella."

Her eyes flew open. "Four weeks? You've got to be kidding! There's no way I can be gone from work for that long! They'll fire me!"

Carlisle leaned over her, laying his hand atop hers in a fatherly gesture. "Bella, please calm down. This illness almost killed you. Literally. You are going to require several weeks to recover fully. It's as simple as that," he finished emphatically.

Bella closed her eyes again, this time in disappointment. Tears began to leak from under her long lashes.

I leaned forward, attempting to calm her. "Ssssshhh, Bella. Just rest now. You'll get well faster the more you stay calm and quiet." I wiped her tears away with my free hand, standing for a moment to kiss her eyelids. I heard Jacob making a quiet gagging noise behind Carlisle, but I ignored him. Childish, I thought.

_God, he's all over her. They must be more serious than I thought. Definitely more serious than my dad thought, too. He's gonna need a crowbar to separate those two, _Jacob thought, partially amused, partially annoyed.

"I just don't want to lose my job," Bella moaned, but she calmed under my touch and my light kisses; I could hear her heart slow to a normal pace after it had quickened with Carlisle's news of the long recovery ahead of her. "I just got my cast off, and now I'm back in the hospital. I'm hopeless."

"I know, it's a lot to take in," I said comfortingly. "Perhaps Carlisle can speak to the Newtons and let them know how long you need to be away from work."

"Yes, I'd be happy to do so, Bella," Carlisle agreed quickly.

During this conversation, Jacob had remained unseen by Bella as he stood behind Carlisle. Needing something to distract Bella from the worries about her job, I decided to alert her to his presence.

"Bella, someone has come by to see you," I said quietly, nodding at Jacob to come forward.

Carlisle moved from Bella's side to make room for him, standing at the end of her bed to make notations on her chart. Jacob shyly stepped to the rail alongside her bed.

Bella blinked owlishly, then smiled weakly. "Hey, Jake."

"Hey, Bells. How are you feeling?" _God, she's really pale. And really weak. Scary-weak. _His concern heightened my own, and I closed my eyes for just a moment, pinching the bridge of my nose between my fingers, still damp with her tears. I took a deep breath to calm myself, then returned my eyes to Bella, watching for any sign of discomfort on her part.

"Just peachy," she whispered, frowning. Was she in pain? I looked at Carlisle, worried, but he motioned me to remain in my seat. Carlisle thought, _Some time with a friend may do her more good than harm, Edward. But don't worry; I'm on the lookout for pain and exhaustion. _

My eyes moved back to Bella's face, watching her interaction with Jacob.

Jacob grinned at her, taking no offense at her sarcasm. "You look about as peachy as you feel," he quipped.

"Thanks," she sighed, still sarcastic, her eyes closing again against her will.

"I'll let you rest," he whispered. "You get some sleep, okay?"

"'Kay," she agreed in a sigh as she slipped back into an exhausted slumber.

"Wow, she really is weak," Jacob whispered to Carlisle, concern clouding his face.

Carlisle nodded solemnly. "Yes, she has a long recovery ahead of her. She is going to tire very easily. And tonight I'll remove the chest tube; her lungs are improving rapidly."

"Chest tube?" Jacob questioned.

"Her lungs were filling with fluid, basically drowning her. If we hadn't inserted the tube, she would have suffocated."

Jacob paled at the fact that he had almost lost his friend. He turned to her, gently brushing a stray strand of hair back from her face, thinking, _Oh Bells—you just recovered from your accident in Phoenix, and now this. Well, at least my dad can't blame the Cullens for pneumonia._

I bristled at both his tender caress as well as his thoughts about his father. Apparently Billy knew what we were—as the Quileute Elder, it made sense that he would be aware of our return to the area. He must have figured that more happened to Bella than a "mere accident" when she was in Phoenix. Plus, Charlie apparently confided in Billy, and Billy, armed with information, in turn worried about Bella. His appearance at the Swan home and his bribery of Jacob at the Prom was proof positive that he didn't trust us.

Looking up from Bella, Jacob caught my eye, noticing my less-than-friendly expression. _Man, that Cullen guy can be kind of intimidating when he wants to be,_ he thought. Alice noted his widening eyes and stepped into the situation.

"I'll let Bella know that the flowers are from you when she wakes up," she said, smiling.

Jacob returned her smile, hesitating. "Sure. Thanks."

He leaned over, placing his hand atop Bella's small, white one, dwarfing it. "Get well soon, Bells. We're all rooting for you at the Res," he whispered.

Jacob wiped at the telltale moisture gathering in his eyes, then strode purposefully to the door, stopping for a moment to glare at me from across the room. _I can see why Dad doesn't trust the Cullens. There's something really weird about all of them—the way they move, even the way they talk. It's like they communicate to one another telepathically or something. It's giving me the creeps. _His face then shifted to an expression of worry. _God, I hope it's okay to leave Bella here alone with them. _He shook his head for a moment. _Mellow out. This is a hospital—it's not like they're going to kidnap her or do something weird. There are too many people around. _Jacob was far more observant than I had given him credit for being; I frowned at this unwelcome fact.

He narrowed his eyes at me briefly. _You'd better take good care of my girl...if you know what's good for you. _Then he slipped out the door, and I heard the echo of his footsteps reverberate down the hall toward the elevator.

I realized that I had been frozen in place, absorbing Jacob Black's troublesome, even threatening, thoughts. I let out the breath I had been unconsciously holding in a whoosh.

Alice turned to me, rolling her eyes. "Gee, that was awkward. And you were no help at all, Edward!"

"Sorry," I spat, not feeling sorry in the least.

"What was he thinking that upset you?"

I frowned. "His father knows what we are and has been telling people at the Res and possibly Charlie that we aren't to be trusted. Billy Black probably heard about us from his grandfather and knows what we are. Even if he isn't allowed by the treaty to tell our secret, he is suspicious about the events in Phoenix and Bella's injuries there, enough to ask Jacob to warn Bella and possibly enough to warn Charlie as well—without details, of course." There was no way I was going to relate Jacob's threat to me...or his calling Bella "my girl."

Jacob had gone too far this time.

Way too far.

_**Please review—make me a happy woman! :) I have a good number of readers, but not a lot of reviewers. So please let me know what you think...even if it's negative. I can take it (I think). ;) **_


	38. Chapter 38: Convalescence

**Chapter Thirty-Eight: Convalescence**

Bella slept deeply, the sedative that Carlisle injected into her IV forcing her to rest quietly and painlessly. Once she was well-under, he removed Bella's chest tube, stitching her side closed and bandaging her wound.

Carlisle kicked Alice and me out of her room while he treated Bella, and Charlie returned while we were still waiting outside Bella's door, Alice rolling her eyes at me as I paced restlessly back and forth, my arms folded, my eyes on the floor.

_Will you please, please calm down, Edward, _my sister scolded. _For goodness sake, it's a simple procedure. Stop making yourself an emotional mess every time Bella is out of your sight._

Alice glanced at me with a superior look as she filled Charlie in on Jacob Black's visit and the present procedure going on in Bella's room. Charlie's eyes followed me as I paced; although I knew that my actions were causing Bella's father more stress (as Alice was telling me through her thoughts), I just couldn't stop the restless movement.

I just couldn't relax without seeing with my own eyes that Bella was well. Even hearing her steady heart rate and normal respirations couldn't quell my anxiety. I had to see her, touch her, breathe in her sweet scent to be myself again.

After what seemed like hours (but Alice informed me was a mere twenty minutes), Carlisle and the nurse assisting him opened Bella's door, Carlisle inviting us back into Bella's room. While Charlie questioned my father more specifically regarding Bella's condition, I resettled myself at her side, prepared for another night in the hospital.

Carlisle's hand on my shoulder surprised me; my alertness to anyone beside the beautiful, sleeping girl in front of me was negligible. "Edward, you need to go home and rest for a while," he said for Charlie's benefit. _You know that you need to hunt, Son, and the nurses and Charlie need to see you go home to sleep for a while. _

I glared at Carlisle with resentful eyes. There was no way that he could make me leave Bella. It was not going to happen. "I'm fine," I insisted.

Unceremoniously, my father grasped my upper arm, dragging me to my feet and walking me out the door. With the human witnesses, including Bella's father watching Carlisle's little scene, I didn't dare fight him; I stumbled in a convincingly human manner as Carlisle pulled me out the door and down the hall.

_Edward, you must leave—at least for a little while. You're making a spectacle of yourself among the staff and Charlie, _Carlisle scolded me.

"I haven't heard any such thing," I protested in a hiss too low for human ears. "Charlie certainly isn't suspicious. I can tell him that I napped this afternoon in Bella's room."

My father's golden eyes narrowed, obviously measuring the darkness of my own eyes.

"Thirst is not on my mind in the least, Carlisle. I'm perfectly fine. I will not leave Bella—and that's final," I said, my eyes narrowed.

Carlisle sighed in surrender. "Very well, Edward. I'm trusting you. If the thirst becomes too much, will you promise to go hunt?"

I rolled my eyes, hissing in return, "Fine. But it's not going to be a problem. And I'll pretend to sleep this afternoon as well. All right?" I folded my arms, glaring at my father.

Carlisle shrugged. _Very well. _He glanced at his watch, then looked back at me. _I'll be back in a few hours to check on Bella. She's resting comfortably and should be released sometime tomorrow._

I nodded, smiling grimly as I imagined trying to keep Bella resting at home during her recovery. The next few weeks were going to be anything but easy.

Unfortunately, I was quite right. Bella was released from the hospital four days after we brought her into the emergency room. Charlie couldn't take off much work to care for Bella during her recovery, so Carlisle exercised his persuasive powers, talking Charlie into Bella's staying with us—but only doing so after I hunted.

Bella's father was reluctant at first, but with both Carlisle promising his daily medical oversight and Esme practically begging for the opportunity to care for Bella, Charlie didn't stand a chance. I, of course, was ecstatic at having Bella in our home 24/7 for the next few weeks where I could see her, touch her, and perhaps even spoil her, something she rarely allowed.

Bella was too tired to argue (much) against our plan to care for her in our home at first. She felt guilty at "putting us out" until Esme explained how wonderful it was for her to have someone to "mother" at long last since we needed her so seldom. Esme's warm, loving smile and gentle caress of Bella's face convinced her, especially as she was missing her mother.

Of course, she had refused to allow us to call Renee to alert her to Bella's illness, and Charlie had been too distraught to do so. Bella reminded us (unnecessarily) that baseball season was in full swing, and she didn't want her mother to miss any of Phil's games.

For the first week after her release, Bella slept almost around the clock. I sat beside her on the floor next to the living room sofa during the daylight hours, holding her hand while she slept, and talking to her quietly or putting on a DVD for her to watch during the short intervals she was awake. At night she slept deeply in the guest room Esme had set up for her, with Alice's help. Now I knew what Alice had been doing in her hours away from the hospital: redecorating the guest room in a lovely cornflower blue and white scheme that Bella would find beautiful and relaxing.

I had to hand it to my pixie-like sister: the room was perfect. The guest bedroom now focused on the four-poster bed of white-painted wood, standing out beautifully against the three cornflower-blue walls, the fourth wall hung with a delicate wallpaper of blue flowers against a white background. Lovely antique botanical prints graced the walls, and Alice changed the copious flower vases daily with lavish bouquets of bright yellow flowers for contrast. Completed by white crown-molding, gorgeous and classic against the serene blue of the walls, Bella's room was light and airy, perfect for her convalescence.

After Bella spent most of the day downstairs with the family, alternating between dozing naps and short conversations on the white sofa, a light afghan tucked around her to prevent chills, I laid beside her every night in the queen-sized bed, far more comfortable than Bella's tiny twin bed in Charlie's house, holding her in my arms and rejoicing in having her nestled against me, safe and sound, after yet another close call with death.

Bella became increasingly irritable as the days passed and she started regaining her strength. Charlie came by morning and evening to see her on his way to and from work, staying just a few moments to assess her recovery with his sharp eyes. Carlisle also checked on her twice daily, usually from across the room without her knowledge, knowing that she would protest against a more personal assessment of her health.

Esme ensconced herself in the kitchen, happy to use her cooking skills to tempt Bella with new dishes. Emmett regularly sat in the armchair next to the sofa, delighting in teasing her until she was blushing bright pink, then calling the family's attention to the fact, making Bella hide her face against my chest in red-faced irritation.

After decorating the guest room especially for the "patient," Alice devoted herself to Bella's entertainment, providing chick flicks galore and glorying in having a true friend at hand for the first time. She insisted on weekly manicures and pedicures for Bella, promising her a real spa day once Bella fully recovered, an event I could tell that Bella was dreading. But we both knew that there was no stopping Alice once she had a plan in place. Jasper remained quietly in the background during these weeks, hovering near Alice as he soaked up her vibrant happiness as her friendship with Bella deepened, yet keeping his distance from Bella herself—on my orders, of course. He would walk by Bella's sofa and smile at her to assure her of her welcome, then settle into an armchair with a thick book on military history, with one eye on his joyous mate.

The only person unhappy with Bella's stay was Rosalie. She kept her complaining, mostly to Emmett, to a voice low enough that Bella couldn't hear her whining after receiving strict orders from Carlisle and Esme on being polite to our house guest. But the few times that she entered the same room as Bella, she fixed a glare upon me, and sometimes on Bella as well—which made the poor girl quite uncomfortable. Rosalie and I had several hissed arguments about what I called her "selfishness" regarding Bella and what she called my "foolishness" in loving a human and forcing her presence on our family. Esme or Carlisle usually had to separate us, so Rosalie spent most of her time in her bedroom, muttering loud enough for me to hear of her unhappiness at being "banished" to her room all day.

Despite the overall contentment of our family (Rosalie being the notable exception), the third week of Bella's convalescence in our home started a bit rough. After she awoke and had her "human minute," dressing in soft cotton yoga pants and a blue t-shirt, I gathered Bella into my arms in preparation to carry her downstairs to her sofa for the day as usual.

But this morning Bella was having none of it. "I am perfectly capable of walking downstairs by myself, Edward," she growled, her forehead creased by her frown.

Not answering her, I sat down beside Bella on the guest bed, leaning in to steal a sweet kiss as a diversion. Bella responded, as she always did, by placing her arms around my neck and nestling her warm body close to my icy form as I wrapped my arms around her in a snug embrace. Although our lips moved gently, I felt Bella's heart begin to race against my silent chest. Still not wanting to excite her unduly during her recovery, I broke the kiss but kept her close in my arms, my cool lips kissing her cheek, along her jaw, under her ear, then down her neck to her shoulder. Bella bent her head to the side to grant me better access to her neck as I gloried in the warmth pulsing beneath my cold lips.

Bella's breaths were rapid and shallow, her pulse not slowing in the least, so I pulled my face back from hers, but unable to resist keeping her body against mine. As I looked down at the beautiful girl in my arms, her usually pale cheeks flushed pink and her deep brown eyes dilated with passion, I thought that I had never seen anything so beautiful in my very long existence.

I cupped her lovely face between my palms, whispering, "Beautiful," to her, causing her to blush even more deeply under my admiration and love. Hoping now that her mood had improved enough for her to allow me to carry her downstairs, I moved to scoop her up.

Immediately her brows rushed together, her soft eyes becoming hard and assertive. "I am walking downstairs this morning. There is absolutely no reason why I can't. And you know it, Edward Cullen."

Knowing that I was in trouble by the inclusion of my last name, I brushed a strand of her shining hair behind her ear as I said in a low voice, "I can think of one reason..." I whispered, allowing my voice to trail off suggestively.

The blush returned to Bella's cheeks at my intimate action and words; I just hoped that she wasn't blushing in anger as she so often did.

Then she folded her arms over her chest defiantly—yes, she was angry, or at least seriously annoyed. "Okay, let's hear your reason. And it had better not be about my klutziness," she said with spirit.

With great effort I held back a smile, knowing that any emotion on my face except true earnestness would further inflame her annoyance.

Looking deeply into her eyes, I tried to make my voice sound as sexy as possible as I responded to her implied question. "I take the greatest enjoyment from carrying you, Bella, from having you nestled in my arms, your body against mine as I look into your eyes. Do you have any idea how much I adore carrying you up and down these stairs, Isabella?"

As I spoke, I let my cold hands run gently up and down her upper arms, leaving goosebumps in my wake. Bella stared at me, her brown eyes huge as they gazed into my adoring golden eyes. I realized that she had stopped breathing.

"Please, love, take a breath. You're worrying me," I smiled gently, stopping my motion, my hands resting on her narrow shoulders.

Bella gulped in air as her heart sped, her strong reaction to my words thrilling me, as always. She seemed to be completely flummoxed into wordlessness.

So I added the finishing touch to my argument as I leaned toward her, kissing her forehead sweetly. "You don't want to deprive me of your presence, do you?"

"Fine," she sighed after a long pause during which she recollected her scattered thoughts. "But I want to go outside today—it looks like it's going to be nice for once."

I nodded, having noted the warmth of the July day. I had already been making plans with Esme to take Bella on an excursion, the first one since her illness. "Agreed," I smiled.

Bella lifted her arms, placing them around my neck, and I scooped her up and carried her downstairs to the breakfast bar where Esme was setting down a plate with yogurt, homemade granola, and fresh strawberries, with a mug of green tea and a small glass of orange juice at our kitchen's breakfast bar.

Bella raised an eyebrow at me, as this morning marked the first day I hadn't insisted upon her eating her breakfast from a tray on the sofa. "What? You trust me to sit up through an entire meal and not fall off this high stool?" she questioned me, irritability warring with excitement at this small change in her care.

I wrapped my arms around her from behind, planting a kiss on her cheek as I replied, "You're much stronger this week, love. And I'm right here if you start feeling light-headed. All right?"

Bella turned to Esme, saying, "Esme, this looks wonderful. Thank you."

My mother smiled warmly at the human girl who was rapidly becoming as beloved as her own adopted daughters. "You're very welcome, Bella. I hadn't realized how much I missed cooking until these last couple of weeks. It's been lovely, being back in the kitchen." She winked at Bella, "And I've enjoyed spoiling you a little, too, dear."

Blushing slightly, Bella returned Esme's smile as she picked up her spoon and scooped up some yogurt and granola. I slid onto the stool next to Bella, watching her carefully to track how much she ate as well as keeping an eye out for any wooziness she might feel. Esme tidied up the kitchen while chatting with Bella and me over inconsequential topics.

As Bella finished her last strawberry and drained her tea mug, Carlisle entered the kitchen. He leaned down to kiss his wife, and Esme responded with more passion than she usually showed in front of us.

"Ewwww, go get a room, you two," snorted Emmett as he and Jasper flew in the back door. Jasper stopped just inside the door, soaking wet and dripping all over the doormat.

"What happened to you?" Bella asked, curious.

Jasper glared at Emmett's back as it disappeared up the stairs, then smiled ruefully at Bella. "Believe me, you don't want to know." He disappeared into the laundry room beside the back door, muttering dire threats against his brother under his breath.

I burst out laughing as I heard Emmett describing his trick on Jasper to Rosalie upstairs. Bella looked at me, obviously wondering at my sanity. But as everyone else in the house was breaking into barely-controlled merriment except for Jasper as he changed into dry clothing in the laundry room, throwing his muddy, soaked clothing into the washing machine, she caught on quickly.

"Okay, spill," she ordered me, smiling. "I've got to know what Emmett did to Jasper."


	39. Chapter 39: The Bet

**Chapter Thirty-Nine: The Bet**

As Jasper started the washing machine in the laundry room, Rosalie sashayed down the stairs with that sexy walk of hers, hips swinging, that had caused every man within sight of her to stare since she turned twelve. Her beautiful face remained blank, but her mind continued to roil over the changes to our household since the start of Bella's convalescence in our home. My sister stopped midway down the stairs and practically gaped at Jasper as he exited the laundry room, dressed in rather wrinkled but clean, dry clothing. Then her brows rushed together as she noted Bella's question to me regarding what Emmett had done to our brother.

Rosalie was obviously making less of an effort to hide her annoyance at Bella's presence this morning than usual; she shot a withering glare at Bella that caused my love's pulse to jump, then abnormally quicken. Bella's cheeks paled significantly as she looked down at her half-finished breakfast, then slowly pushed the plate away, looking rather green.

That was the last straw for me. In her selfishness, Rosalie was causing Bella to lose her appetite—and getting Bella to eat was of the utmost importance in helping her regain her strength. Both Esme and Carlisle looked frowningly at Bella's pale countenance and half-full plate, Carlisle giving Rosalie a warning glance—which my sister ignored with a toss of her blonde curls.

Bella cleared her throat awkwardly, then, turning her back to Rosalie, asked Jasper with a tremulous smile, "So, what happened out there?"

I pushed the plate back in front of Bella, suggesting mildly, "Why don't you finish your breakfast while Jasper entertains us with the story, love."

Bella frowned at me, sighed, then picked up her spoon lethargically. Behind her back, I glared meaningfully at Rosalie, shaking my head infinitesimally in warning. Again she tossed her blonde hair over her shoulder in protest, seating herself haughtily in one of the armchairs and pointedly ignoring both Bella and myself. I rolled my eyes, then caught Esme's warning glance and shrugged. Our mother knew how tense everyone became when Rosalie was on the warpath...as she certainly had been since Bella's arrival.

And I knew that it wouldn't be long before my sister would finally drop her cool, haughty exterior and berate all of us for allowing a human to not only become associated with us in such a public manner, but also live for several weeks in a household of vampires.

While I rejoiced in Bella's constant presence in our home while she convalesced, part of me was also concerned, knowing that Jasper's control was less than perfect—in fact, none of us was beyond temptation, except for Carlisle. In my heart, I knew that Bella was not as safe here with us as she would be in her own home, but my selfishness quelled my qualms as I enjoyed her living with us far too much. Always having my beloved within sight, within easy reach, was truly heaven-on-earth for me—and probably would be the closest thing to heaven I would ever experience in my entire existence.

These thoughts flitted through my mind in a mere split-second after Bella asked Jasper for a recap of his adventures. He settled into the other armchair on the far side of the room, so Bella and I had to turn around on our stools to face him properly. Carefully I put Bella's plate in her lap so she could keep eating while Jasper told his thrilling tale. She continued nibbling on her breakfast in a half-hearted manner, but at least she was eating; I smiled with satisfaction.

"So," Jasper began in his soft Southern drawl, "Emmett and I decided to head south to the Columbia River basin to hunt last night, just over the Oregon border in the Fort Stevens State Park. Since _someone," _Jasper quirked an eyebrow in my direction, "won't hunt farther than three miles from this house because he's glued to a certain human," (Bella blushed beautifully at his pointed reminder), "we were wanting to travel a ways for our expedition and get away from the park here for a change."

I rolled my eyes and folded my arms across my chest, to the amusement of both of my brothers who were going to tease me mercilessly for not wanting to leave Bella's side. But I also caught Bella's concerned glance in my direction; she worried that caring for her was depriving me of time with my brothers, time spent hunting properly.

However, I couldn't tell her about the panic that stopped me in my tracks the few times I had tried to venture farther away from her; Jasper had found me curled in a ball at the base of an ancient spruce, trembling in abject panic, and he kindly reigned in most of Emmett's teasing. "Most" being the operative word, of course, as no one could totally restrain my burly brother's love of mocking me at every possibility.

Jasper continued his story, "They are struggling with a bit of a bear problem in that area, and Emmett was really excited about chasing down and wrestling a few large specimens.-he just can't let go of losing that last fight." Bella smiled a little as Jasper winked at her and went on. "Anyway, _someone_ was feeling a little competitive after we finished hunting. Emmett bet me a considerable 'prize' that I could not leap the Columbia River between the point of Fort Stevens Park in Oregon and the point of Cape Disappointment in Washington. So..." Jasper's voice trailed off.

Carlisle was suppressing a grin. "Jasper, did you realize that the Columbia River is nearly four miles wide between those two points?"

Jasper narrowed his eyes at Emmett. "I do now," he muttered, before adding, "It didn't look that far, seriously—half a mile at most." My formerly-soaked brother cringed at Bella's peal of laughter while the rest of the family smiled in amusement. I couldn't help smiling myself—not at Jasper's leaping debacle but at the beautiful music of Bella's laugh, a joyous sound that was nearly quieted forever only a few weeks before. Today was the first time I had heard her bell-like laughter ring out since before her illness. Some humans thought that our laughter was like the shimmer of bells, but Bella's laugh already possessed that lovely ring-like quality.

I slid from the kitchen stool and stood behind her, wrapping my arm around her slender waist and drawing Bella's back against my body, drinking in her joy and her delightful, mouthwatering scent.

Emmett's guffawing laughter drowned out Bella's. "You so fell for it, Dude," he crowed at Jasper. "Literally." He narrowed his eyes at Jazz, growling, "And you _will_ owe me, Jazz. Big time."

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Jasper said, his smile fading as he narrowed his eyes at Emmett in return.

"So, what was the 'prize' you bet on?" Bella asked, still grinning from ear to ear.

My smile faded as I read my brothers' minds; Bella was so not going to appreciate their sense of humor in this instance.

"You don't want to know," I assured her, hugging her close to me again while raising a warning eyebrow at both of my brothers. They had better not tell her the details of their stupid bet.

"Yes, she does!" Emmett crowed, deliberately ignoring my subtle warning. "Bella is part of the family now, and she should know _everything_, right?" He cheerfully ignored his mate's low hiss at his inclusion of Bella in our family and grinned impertinently at me.

"It's truly not necessary," I protested, looking desperately to Carlisle and Esme for support.

Carlisle stepped in at this point, and I closed my eyes in a prayer of thanks. "Emmett and Jasper, I would like a word with both of you." When they looked at him, obviously puzzled, he continued, unsmiling, "Upstairs in my office, please."

I breathed a sigh of relief as my brothers traipsed upstairs after our father, whose thoughts were clear: he was going to reprimand both of them regarding this little "bet" of theirs, reminding them of the reality of our situation.

But now I had to distract Bella from asking for further details about their shenanigans, especially regarding the bet they had made—which definitely would either anger or horrify Bella beyond belief. My brothers' immaturity knew no bounds.

I turned to her, grateful to see that her breakfast plate nearly empty and her orange juice glass drained. It was time to implement my plans for Bella's distraction.

"It's a lovely day outside, and quite warm. Would you enjoy taking a short walk, love?"

Bella nodded enthusiastically. "Oh, yes, please! I've been dying to get outside."

I froze at her word choice for a long moment, definitely long enough for her to notice. Humans used the hyperbole "dying to" do something all the time, so why did it freeze me in my tracks, a frisson of terror racing down my spine?

Bella looked at me curiously, then an expression of understanding appeared on her face. I swallowed convulsively, then choked out, "I'll go upstairs to get your shoes" before disappearing in a flash up both flights of stairs and into the guest room near my bedroom. I quickly located Bella's favorite sneakers and a clean pair of socks, then stood for a moment in the center of the serene blue and white room, allowing its beauty and peacefulness to fill me as I took deep breath after deep breath, calming my momentary fears.

Didn't Bella realize how close she had come to dying of the illness that hospitalized her, that almost took her away from me forever? I sucked in one last deep, calming breath before slowly descending the stairs. My mood improved more than slightly as I passed the second floor where Carlisle was rebuking my brothers, hoping that their little talk would help to reign them in a little. Well, hopefully more than a little...

When I arrived at Bella's side, she placed a soft hand against my icy cheek, an apology in her eyes. I turned my face and pressed my lips to her palm, wordlessly accepting her apology and offering my forgiveness. I then knelt at her feet and pulled on both her socks and then her shoes.

But her voice was sharper than usual as she stated, "I'm not a complete invalid, Edward. I can put on my own shoes, you know."

I grinned up at her frowning face as I tied her sneaker laces into perfect bows. "Oh, I do know. But please don't deny me the joy of caring for you, Bella."

She rolled her eyes as she retorted, "That excuse is worn so thin that I can see right through it," she grumbled. "You need to let me do some things myself, you know, instead of waiting on me hand and foot."

I continued to smile as I quipped, "But I enjoy waiting on you, hand and foot." I tapped my fingers against her sneaker-clad foot before rising to my feet. "Especially foot." Once I was standing, I couldn't resist completing my poor attempt at joking by taking her delicate hand in mine and pressing my cold lips to the warmth of her palm. "And hand, too, of course."

Suppressing a smile, Bella shook her head ruefully over my atrociously bad puns, somehow restraining herself from her usual eye-roll.

"Shall we?" I asked as I gestured toward the back door.

"Don't overtire her, Edward," Esme warned in her motherly voice as I closed the door behind Bella who rolled her eyes at the continuation of Cullen care-taking.

Gallantly I offered Bella my arm, and with a wry smile she took it, not admitting that she was grateful for the support as I escorted her down the back stairs and onto the lawns that rolled down to the beautiful Sol-Duc River that flowed behind our home. "I feel like a lady in the years of yore," Bella admitted, her cheeks pink. "I think I need a parasol."

I smiled at her as we reached the bank of the river and strolled along the narrow path that bordered the white-capped semi-rapids. "Let me know if you start becoming tired, love," I whispered in her ear. "I will happily carry you home."

"I'm sure you would," Bella retorted, frowning slightly. She still seemed a little out of sorts.

"Are you tired now?" I asked solicitously. "We can go back to the house this instant if you are."

Bella shook her head in the negative, continuing her slow stroll beside me, her eyes averted, watching the river as I watched her. Why wouldn't she look at me?

As we rounded a bend and the house was no longer visible behind us, I stopped, and she halted beside me. Turning to her, I asked, "What is it then?" as I took her chin gently in my hand.

She jerked her chin away from me, still not meeting my eyes. "It's nothing. Really."

"It doesn't seem like nothing," I murmured, feeling more troubled as several moments passed without her eyes meeting mine.

"There isn't anything you are willing to do about it," she murmured, her eyes now looking down at her sneakers.

A glimmer of understanding began to enlighten my mind; I had an inkling of where this conversation was heading, and it was certainly not going to be a comfortable dialogue.

"Explain, please?" I requested, my voice noticeably cooler than before.  
Bella continued to refuse to meet my eyes. She let go of my arm and walked to a large, flat stone that jutted out over the river's banks, affording a lovely view of the river. She lowered herself to the slate-like surface and seated herself, folding her body protectively into a ball, her arms wrapped around her knees. She dug her chin into the space between her kneecaps and sighed, her brown eyes trained on the river flowing past us. I seated myself beside her, leaning forward a little to perhaps gain a glimpse of her face. And her expression immediately concerned me when I noted the depth of her sadness.

I scooted closer to her, placing my arm gently around her shoulders. After remaining awkwardly stiffened in my arm, Bella at last leaned her head onto my shoulder, turning to bury her face in my chest. I held her closer, more content now that she was no longer distancing me from her heart, until I felt a telltale wetness soaking through my thin button-down shirt. Reaching across my body to hers, my hand tipped Bella's chin upward so that I could view her face. While she didn't meet my gaze, her tears continued to flow down her lovely face, but she did not sob or create any noise associated with weeping; she wasn't breathing in the rough, gasping way she usually did when crying. These tears rolled silently from the depths of her spirit, each one wounding my heart with fresh pain.

What had I done—or not done—to cause my beloved this obvious grief?

_**A/N: Sorry for the week between updates; I'm having another flare-up of chronic pain and haven't felt up to updating this story, my blogs, or Facebook/Twitter. It's been THAT kind of week! My apologies for making you wait. **_

_**Reviews make my day—I respond to them ALL! Thanks to you all for reading and for continuing to write encouraging comments regarding **_**Evening Star! **_**There will be about ten more chapters to the end of this fan fic, perhaps a few more. Let me know what you think, please!**_

_**-Cassandra :)**_


	40. Chapter 40: The Vow

**Chapter Forty: The Vow**

Shocked by her weeping, I released Bella's chin to pinch the bridge of my nose between my fingers. _What have I done? How have I hurt her...again?_

She sniffled, wiping her nose on the inside sleeve of her shirt, her eyes still trained on the flowing river at our feet as we remained seated side-by-side on a large rock jutting over the banks of the tumbling white-tipped water.

Refusing to look at me still, Bella sighed, a sound that would have been drowned out by the roar of the river if not for my vampiric hearing. Anxiety continued to course through me as I scanned her face, searching her usually expressive countenance for a clue to her state of mind, but her lovely face was abnormally blank...almost coldly indifferent.

I stopped breathing. What was going on in that silent mind of hers? What was she thinking? What was she _deciding_? My entire body froze in place, anxiety morphing into fear so unsettling and deep that my mind became as statue-like as my body.

My eyes still fixed on her, I finally choked words through my lips as I pleaded, "What it is, Bella? Please, please tell me, love?"

Her eyes remained fixed straight ahead, unmoving, almost as if she were not seeing the beauty of the flowing river before her. "I'm scared, Edward," she whispered through pale, barely-moving lips.

She was _frightened_? _What the...?_ Bella was the bravest human I knew—braver even than many of our kind. Nothing seemed to scare her: not James' pursuit of her this spring, not the illness that almost took her from me mere weeks ago. She might be frightened for others' safety and well-being, but she was never concerned about her own.

For her sake, I calmed the questions tumbling at supersonic speed through my mind, drawing her slim body closer to me as I started to breathe again. Fear I can deal with. Quieting her fears was something I could do for her; it was part of taking care of her, cherishing her, loving her.

"What are you afraid of?" I questioned softly, confident that I could defend her, protect her, care for her. Nothing could separate us again. She had nothing to fear; if I could convince her of that fact, all will be well. Her blank face will soften; she will allow me to console her, and whatever this fear was that drove a wedge between us would dissipate and disappear. We will return to being two people desperately in love, taking back the joy that should be ours if not for this fear of hers.

At long last, she turned toward me, her beautiful brown eyes finally meeting mine. But her usually warm, loving gaze was absent. Her normally melting-chocolate-brown eyes were cold, almost icy in their detachment. Fear stilled my lungs once again as she drew a shallow breath to answer my query.

"I am afraid being separated from you—of death separating us...forever," she whispered in a voice barely audible above the roar of the rushing water.

Part of me wanted to laugh—she was afraid of death _now? _After the icy accident in the parking lot, after the run-in with the gang of men in Port Angeles, after being pursued and trapped, injured and nearly killed by James, after her recent, dangerous illness—after all of _this_, death frightened her?

But part of me recognized that I had an odd inkling where this discussion was going.

And it was the last thing I wanted to think about regarding Bella. Well, one of the last things...

The silence between us grew longer, more awkward. Finally, I broke it, asking, "Why? Why are you afraid of dying _now_, when you have had so many close calls in the past?"

She turned her head away from me, watching the river again before whispering, "May I ask you something?"

Surprised by her out-of-the-blue question, I shook my head for a moment, trying to clear my confused thoughts. Her eyes retained their curious blankness as she looked away again, seeing but not seeing the flowing river. I forced myself to respond, "Certainly." I swallowed, then continued in a stronger voice. "You may ask me anything, Bella. You know that."

"Do I?" she murmured, so softly that her words were nearly lost in the continuous roar of the raging river.

I ignored her rhetorical question, returning to her first one. "What do you wish to know?" But I thought I knew what she would ask of me—the question I have been dreading.

"If," she started, still whispering. She stopped, glanced sideways at me quickly, then started again in a slightly louder, more assertive voice. "If I was dying in the hospital last month, would you have bitten me to..." She paused, then pushed through the final words, her voice dropping again to a pained whisper, "to keep me? Forever?"

The pain of her question, the one I had been expecting, surprised me—not the question itself, but the agony of indecision that still gripped me when the topic of her possible immortality came up.

I closed my eyes, my perfect memory recalling again the helplessness I had felt as I gripped her unresponsive hand in that bleak hospital room, as I struggled between my conscience—doing what I knew was right, allowing nature to take her course—and my desperation—driving me to use the power my kind possesses to go beyond natural means and bestow immortality.

I still felt ashamed by what I had asked of Carlisle that day mere weeks ago: to rob Bella of her very soul to satisfy my desperate, selfish desire to have her always with me.

To never lose her.

To never lose myself.

For I knew all-too-well what I would have done if Bella died.

I would find a way to leave this earth, too.

There was no possible way I could remain here if she were gone forever.

I would have to tell her. I would have to confess my weakness, to let her see that she should despise me rather than love me.

For I knew, now more than ever, that I did not deserve Bella's devotion, her unselfish love. Not when I had been so, so willing to sacrifice her chance of a heavenly immortality just so I would not be without her.

"Edward?" Bella whispered. And I felt her warm hand against my cold face, cupping my cheek. I did not deserve even her touch—so gentle, so pure, so loving.

It was not what a monster such as myself should ever experience.

And then I knew it , deep down...

_I was a coward._

I could not do it.

I could not tell her.

I heard a deep groan rise from within me.

"Edward!" Bella's voice was more urgent now. Her heart was beginning to race in panic, her breaths coming too shallowly and too quickly, her palm against my cheek perspiring with her fears.

And, despite the maelstrom of self-loathing that I was drowning in, I sensed an additional presence nearby besides myself and Bella—heard the thoughts of another.

_Edward! _Jasper's thoughts were anxious, concerned. _I can feel your despair, hopelessness—even hatred directed toward yourself. I don't want to know where these feelings are coming from—what she has done or you have done—to make you feel these violent emotions. But you need to be strong...for Bella. She's beginning to lose focus, to panic. Her health is still fragile—you need to keep her calm. You know that Carlisle said not to upset her—that peace was important to her recovery. Don't ruin the progress she's made. _

I knew Jasper was right. 

Only Bella could be more important than the emotions that were dragging me to the very dregs of sanity.

I had to pull myself together. _For Bella_.

Gulping down a deep lungful of cool air, I let it out slowly—a long, calming sigh. I did it again, again, and again, each time finding a little more quiet, a little more detachment.

Peace—I knew that emotion was beyond me. But I could attempt control.

And I was quite aware of Jasper helping both Bella and myself, sending waves of calm over us. I drank it in greedily, knowing how desperately I needed it.

And I sensed Bella quieting beside me, her breaths deepening, her pulse slowing.

At long last, I opened my eyes.

Bella's brown eyes were no longer blank but wide with subsiding panic. Her hand still caressed my face, and I moved, finally, placing my icy hand atop her living, warm one, trapping her hand between my cheek and my palm in a loving gesture.

_Edward, much better. Continue to gain control over your emotions. Bella is calming down with you. Well done. _

I heard Jasper then, a gentle rustle of leaves against leather shoes as he paced, just around the bend in the river Bella and I had rounded to get out of sight of the house.

The quickest way to control my emotions was to focus on Bella, not on myself and my abysmal failures. I needed to protect her.

And protecting her meant not telling her my weakness.

I had to be strong. For her. And for myself.

I could never allow my resolve to weaken again.

Bella deserved a human life, a human soul, and an eternity of bliss after she left this world. She was an angel—my guardian angel in so many ways. She had changed me, saved me.

_And now I would save her._

I gazed into her gentle, loving, concerned eyes, pools of melted milk chocolate, my hand still holding hers against my cheek.

_And I lied...to save her._

I swallowed the lump in my throat that declared the truth, and I whispered, delaying as I responded to her calling of my name. "Yes?"

"Edward, are you all right?" Bella's worry was palpable, her pulse beginning to quicken.

I nodded. "I'm fine." I paused, hoping that she would drop her all-important question. "Shall we return to the house? You look tired, love."

I rose to my feet, offering her my hand and then helping her to stand at my side. Wrapping one arm around her waist to assist her, I turned us toward the house, helping her down from the large stone we had been seated upon to walk home.

Bella stopped as we came to the well-worn dirt path along the river bank. Looking up at me, she spoke calmly, though her pulse and breathing gathered speed again. "Are you going to answer my question, Edward?"

I forced myself to keep eye contact. Only an inexperienced liar broke a glance like ours.

"I'm not sure you want to hear my answer," I responded quietly.

"Oh," she breathed, her heart picking up its pace again, her breathing becoming more labored. I watched her expression fall, disappointment apparent across her lovely features. She looked down, trying to hide her response from me. But Jasper, ghosting rapidly toward the house before we reached the bend, measured her emotions for me.

_Be careful, Edward. Bella is far more upset than she's showing. She's more than disappointed; she feels inadequate. As if she can never measure up to whom you want her to be...Why did you not tell her the truth? Carlisle told all of us what he promised you—that if she started to die, he would step in and help save her. She needs to know that you love her enough to do anything to keep you two together; otherwise, she feels less than fully loved. _My brother's disapproval was more than evident in his thoughts, but I pushed them aside.

It was more important for Bella to live a normal human life, her beautiful soul intact. I would never forgive myself for asking Carlisle to change her—it was a moment of weakness, of sheer panic, at the thought of losing Bella...forever.

But now I am resolved. Never again will I allow myself to weaken. I must keep Bella's soul safe—the part of her that was truly eternal. If we were fortunate, we had fifty, perhaps sixty years to be together—and they would be happy years. Bella would become the beautiful, accomplished woman she was meant to be, and I would remain at her side, loving her through the years. And when she no longer lived on this earth (for I could not, even in my own mind, use the word "die" or "death" about Bella), then I would find a way to follow her.

I would not continue to walk this earth after Bella left it—of this point I was absolutely certain.

Bella would fight me on this decision—I did not underestimate her stubbornness for a moment. But I would not ruin her life—or her soul. Hers was too beautiful an existence to become like mine: monstrous and violent. I would not allow my beloved to become a killer like myself-a destroyer of life, even if those lives were animal rather than human.

Bella would not become what I was. She would live out her life the way it should be lived. And if our relationship, constrained as it would have to be—no marriage bed, no children—was not enough for her, then I would...I winced at the very thought, then pushed forward..._I would let her go._

Bella deserved happiness, however I could give it to her. I could be unselfish—in fact, I would have to be. There was no more room for my weakness, for my mistakes.

I would have to be strong...for her sake.

I slowly tipped Bella's chin up so I could see her face—her beautiful eyes swimming with unshed tears—and I gently pressed my lips to hers, sealing my vow to myself.


	41. Chapter 41: There's No Place Like Home

_**This is by far one of the longest chapters I've written. Not much action, but there definitely will be in the next chapter when Jacob pokes his nose in Bella's life...again. And we know what Edward will think of that! **_

_**Disclaimer: I'm not Stephenie Meyer, although I wish I had her publishing contract. I'm merely torturing her characters for our amusement. **_

**Chapter Forty-One: There's No Place Like Home**

Bella continued to regain her health after the illness that hospitalized her. For a day or two after our stroll along the river, she seemed rather subdued, her beautiful smile rare, her appetite delicate. I tried not to worry about how our difficult discussion may have impacted her recovery, but my family stepped in to assist Bella once again. Esme insisted on cooking new dishes to tempt Bella's capricious appetite, and Alice brought home new "chick flicks" to while away the long afternoons when Bella needed to rest on the sofa. Carlisle kept a careful eye upon my angel, always measuring her regained health, suggesting mild exercise to help strengthen her body and cheer her mind, so we took many an early evening stroll together, hand-in-hand. Slowly Bella became herself again, teasing my brothers and Alice, consenting to Carlisle and Esme's loving care, and desiring romantic interludes with me—within the confines of our "rules," of course.

But soon Charlie insisted upon Bella's return home, and somewhat reluctantly she conceded. I entered Bella's bedroom on the afternoon of her leaving and found her sitting on the guest bed in the serene blue and white room while Alice zipped her duffle bag closed.

"Okay, Bella, you're all packed," my sister said, her face sad. "Are you certain that you don't want to stay a few more days? Just a few? Carlisle would feel better knowing you were under his care. Esme will miss spoiling you rotten." Alice paused her guilt-trip to wink at me slyly. "And my brother will miss you terribly."

Bella laughed, but her smile didn't quite reach her eyes. "Yes," she joked somewhat lamely, "We all know that Emmett simply can't live without me."

Alice nudged Bella teasingly with her elbow, careful not to bruise her. "You know which brother I meant," she protested. "Edward will be lost without you."

I couldn't help chiming in, "And you know how terribly you'll miss Bella, too, Alice."

"Of course I will!" my sister exclaimed. "You're part of our family now, Bella. Of course we're all going to miss you. We love having you stay with us." She narrowed her eyes at me meaningfully. "And I'm especially dreading Edward's rotten mood after you go home. He's going to be _such_ a pain to be around..."

I rolled my eyes as Bella laughed again, albeit weakly.

"Nice try," Bella said, looking away from Alice's eager face. "But Charlie needs me. I _so_ do not want to see the condition of that house after being away for nearly a month." My sister rolled her eyes and huffed, rather put out at Bella's insistence upon going home, but at last she gave in with semi-grace.

"I'll take your bag down for you and put it in Edward's car," Alice said helpfully. She leaned over Bella, kissing her first on one cheek, then the other, in a European-style goodbye. She then looked Bella squarely in the eye and threatened, "If you start feeling ill again, you're coming right back here, Bella Swan. I don't want you overworking as you take care of Charlie. Do you hear me?"

Bella nodded at my sister's serious expression, huffing, "I know, I know, Alice. I won't overdo. I promise."

Alice smiled briefly, then her expression saddened. "I will miss you, Bella. There's nothing better than having my best friend living right here in our home." She hugged Bella quickly then flashed down the stairs, Bella's bag hefted easily above her tiny head as she disappeared.

Bella and I followed my sister downstairs at a more sedate pace, arriving in the living room where nearly all of the family had gathered for formal goodbyes, despite the fact that Bella was in our home nearly every day even when she wasn't ill.

Esme was going to miss Bella especially. She had implored me last night while Bella slept to try to talk her into staying longer, but Bella remained adamant this morning about returning home to Charlie. Esme couldn't argue with such a dutiful daughter, but she also couldn't resist packing a bag of special treats for Bella: healthy fruit, herbal teas, whole grain crackers, exotic cheeses—all of which Bella attempted to refuse...to no avail. My mother could be extremely persuasive.

Carlisle insisted on one last quick check-up before allowing Bella to leave. Reluctantly she followed him upstairs to his office, telling me sternly to remain downstairs. She returned with my father ten minutes later with a clean bill of health—about which Carlisle had mixed feelings. While he rejoiced at Bella's recovery from the illness that so nearly took her away from us forever, he also wouldn't have minded a minor excuse that would have kept Bella with us for a few days longer.

Both my parents were smitten with her.

After giving her thanks for their care of her, Bella hugged Carlisle, Esme, and Emmett goodbye after a little good-natured teasing from my bear of a brother; Bella's blush was rampant by the time Esme called him to order. Rosalie was nowhere to be found—hiding in her room again to avoid Bella, of course—and Jasper gave Bella a cautious wave from an armchair in the corner of the living room where he was reading from a huge history book. Alice bounced inside, giving Bella one last hug and gentle squeeze, declaring that she would descend upon the Swan household tomorrow to check on her.

Bella was unusually silent as I drove her home in my Volvo. I reached over, caressing her warm cheek with my index finger, noting how well her face had filled out again during her stay with us; she had nearly regained the weight she lost during her illness. With a wistful expression, she leaned closer to me as I continued the soothing motion.

Softly I asked, "Is something wrong, love? You're very quiet."

Bella turned toward me, her beautiful eyes thoughtful. "You know, I've never been part of a large family, and I'm not used to being surrounded by so many brothers and sisters. Plus having Esme and Carlisle there, too—living with a complete family. It was nice."

"We all loved having you stay with us," I assured her. "We look on you as one of us now, whether you like it or not. Esme was hatching plans to keep you permanently, you know," I gently teased, and was delighted by the warm smile lighting Bella's pale features.

Then she looked down at her lap, twisting her fingers together nervously as she whispered, "Not 'all,' Edward. Not everyone was happy I spent so much time with your family."

"Rosalie will come around," I huffed, more than a little miffed that my stubborn sister was causing Bella discomfort.

"You say that a lot, Edward. But _when_ will she 'come around'?" Bella sighed, then looked out the window as we crossed the bridge over the river.

"Well," I hedged, "Rosalie will be Rosalie. She's tenacious," I laughed humorlessly, then added, "which is a nice way of saying that she's unbelievably stubborn."

Bella turned to look at me again, her eyes sad. "But why doesn't she like me? What did I do to make her hate me so much that she can barely stand being in the same room with me?"

"It's not you, love. It's...well, it's me."

Bella shot me a look of extreme annoyance. "Yeah, right. 'It's not you; it's me.' Original, Edward." She folded her arms over her chest and stared out the window again, depriving me of any opportunity to read her expression.

"It may not be original, but it is the truth," I said quietly.

"Okay. I'd _love_ to hear this explanation," Bella challenged, turning in her seat to face me as I drove. Her eyebrows rushed angrily together over her furrowed forehead as she continued, "Do tell, Edward."

Looking straight ahead as I drove, I frowned, not appreciating her sarcastic tone. With some effort, I kept my voice gentle. "As I've told you, Rosalie struggles with who we are the most. She doesn't appreciate having humans know our secret. Plus, she's jealous of you because you are human, and she's not. She would give up everything: her beauty, her immortality, our family, even Emmett, for the chance to be human once again. And here you are, human and beautiful, walking the line between our world and your world, experiencing the best of both worlds. And she's angry about that. Resentful, actually."

Bella's frown deepened, but her tone was no longer sarcastic. "How are you involved then? You said it was _you_, not me."

I paused before responding, then said slowly, "I brought you into our family. I "forced' you upon her, as she says, and she's been outvoted many times regarding you, family decisions which she believes I've manipulated unfairly. But everyone else loves you dearly: Carlisle and Esme love you like a daughter already, and Emmett and Alice see you as a sister." I turned my eyes on her, piercing her with the depth of my emotions as I added, "And you know how completely and utterly I love you—far more than I can express."

"And Jasper?" she asked quietly, not distracted from her line of questioning.

"Jasper is working on his control, for your sake as well as for mine and Alice's. He sees how greatly Alice adores you, and he loves whatever and whomever Alice loves. And for that reason, he takes every precaution to avoid injuring you, as he knows that hurting you would break the hearts of every family member—Alice especially—not to mention what it would do to me." I paused, swallowing hard, then continued, knowing how badly she needed to hear the truth. "Jasper is also intensely loyal. He thinks of you as a sister as well; he would die to protect you just as he would for every other member of our family."

Blushing apparently at the thought of being included as part of our family, Bella nodded, seeming to accept the explanation regarding my well-scarred brother.

"So it's only Rosalie who doesn't want me around?" she whispered.

"Yes. It's only Rosalie. And she blames me for bringing you into our lives, for allowing myself to fall in love with a human, for finding my mate in the human world—all of which reminds her of what she yearns for, and what she has lost in becoming one of our kind. She sees me as being completely to blame, but everyone's love for you drives her resentment even deeper."

Bella turned away, trying to hide her face as she wiped away a few tears, the scent of which reached me before they overflowed her long lashes and spilled down her cheeks. After clearing her throat, she apologized, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get so upset. I guess I'm not exactly looking forward to going home and being alone so much after being surrounded by so many people for the past few weeks. Taking care of Charlie takes up only so much of my time, you know. And my head still aches too much to read for very long."

"I do know," I agreed. "And of course I'll be with you every single moment you want me," I smiled slyly.

"That will be all the time then," she said softly. Bella shyly returned my smile, placing her hand on the center console. I reached to place my hand atop hers, feeling deeply contented, and the remainder of the trip to Bella's home flew by as her warmth infused my icy hand as well as my heart.

I pulled the Volvo into Charlie's driveway, then exited my car to open Bella's door for her. Charlie appeared at the front door before Bella was even on her feet, jogging down the path to the driveway to unload her bags from my trunk. Charlie huffed more than a little as he hefted her things back into the house and up the stairs to her room, leaving Bella and me to follow him into the house at a more leisurely pace with Esme's bag of specialty items, our hands clasped together.

She led me into the kitchen, her eyes bugging wide at the extreme chaos which covered her beloved kitchen. Dirty dishes were stacked on the narrow counter on either side of the sink which also overflowed with used plates, mugs, and bowls. The counter tops were sprinkled liberally with toast crumbs and assorted detritus, the stove spattered with weeks of bacon grease. I wrinkled my nose in distaste at the odor of spoiling food and ancient grease as Bella moaned tragically.

"Gosh, didn't he wash a single dish while I was gone?" she asked, her eyes still huge with shock as she surveyed the demolition zone that had once been her tidy and organized domain.

Before she had time to hide her expression, Charlie entered the kitchen after depositing Bella's things upstairs, then swept his daughter into a rare but enthusiastic hug. "It's so good to have you back home, Bells," he whispered in her ear. "I missed you."

Bella disentangled herself from the unusual demonstration of her dad's affection before gesturing to the demolished kitchen. "Did an atomic bomb explode in here, Dad?" she questioned dramatically. "Or did Armageddon occur without my knowledge?"

Charlie had the grace to look somewhat ashamed. "Well, I'm not used to fending for myself anymore. You've been taking such great care of me that I just can't keep up with your standards. Besides, I didn't want you to be bored to tears when you came home," he grinned at his spontaneous and excellent excuse. "See? Now you have something to keep you busy."

I growled to myself quietly, not wanting to raise Charlie's hair-trigger temper but needing to vent. Charlie all-too-often allowed his daughter to neglect herself while she cared for others—especially her parents. Bella was often more organized and often more parental than either Charlie or Renee, a fact that irked me considerably; it had forced her to grow up far too soon.

Then Bella noticed the checkbook on the edge of the counter near the phone, stuffed full of receipts precariously secured with a rubber band. "Sheesh, Dad!" she exclaimed. "Please tell me you kept the checkbook balanced while I was gone!"

Charlie shot her another sheepish gaze as her brown eyes blazed into his. He glanced around the room quickly, looking for an escape route.

Fortunately, I decided to do us all a favor.

"Charlie, didn't you say something about needing to take some of the fresh trout you caught down to Billy?" I asked too innocently as Bella narrowed her eyes at me suspiciously.

Charlie wasn't a cop for nothing; he was quick on the uptake and realized immediately that I was giving him a chance to escape Bella's considerable (and well-deserved) wrath.

"Thanks for reminding me," he said almost cordially. "I wanted to run down there before Bella got home, but I got sidetracked. I'll go now, before dinner." He gave Bella one more hug, her eyes huge in surprise at yet another show of affection from her reserved father. Chuckling slightly at her bemusement, Charlie slipped out the door, jingling the keys to his cruiser in a decidedly jaunty manner, rejoicing in his temporary escape.

Bella stood there for a moment, shaking her head in disbelief, first toward the door through which Charlie had just escaped, then at me. I tried to look innocent again.

"Why did you just let him go? He should have helped me clean at least _some_ of this abysmal mess before he left!"

I embraced Bella comfortingly, and she melted into my arms, sighing loudly. I could tell she was tiring already; her stamina was still not what it had been before her illness. I truly wished that she had agreed to stay one more week with us so that she could have completely recovered from the illness that sapped her strength...and almost her life.

I kissed slowly along her shoulder, up her slender neck, then her beautiful lips. Bella hummed with pleasure, closing her eyes not only to enjoy my ministrations more fully, but also to ignore the shambles that surrounded us.

"I have an idea," I murmured against her lips between chaste kisses.

"Hmmm?" Bella questioned lazily.

"How about," I kissed along her jaw between phrases, "if you manage...the checkbook...while I...tidy the kitchen?"

"Mmmm, sounds like a plan," she mumbled against my neck. I smirked, pleased that I had so easily talked her into a job she could do sitting down while I tackled the more physical tasks; I was planning to clean the kitchen and the rest of the downstairs area at vampire speed.

"When shall we start, love?" I whispered against her white throat as I scooped her hair aside; she leaned back to allow me access to her neck as my lips moved across the warm skin above her t-shirt.

"Whenever..." she replied absently, much more interested in our loving than in bringing order out of the chaos that used to be her kitchen.

I brushed my lips against hers, capturing her mouth with mine as we exchanged slow, passionate kisses as we hadn't done for weeks.

At long last, I lifted my mouth from hers, Bella sighing happily. "Ready now?" I asked, amused by her bemused expression.

"Sure," she breathed. Then she looked at me wonderingly. "Ready for what?"

"For you to get the checkbook straightened out while I put the kitchen to rights," I laughed lightly as I reminded her.

"Um, sure," she said uncertainly. "Is that the plan?"

"That's the plan you agreed to," I answered, smiling widely.

"I did?"

"Yes, you did." I lowered my arms, placing one around her waist as I escorted her to the kitchen table. She wobbled a little, still flushed and dizzy from our passionate embrace. I seated her, cleared a spot for her to work, then brought her the checkbook overflowing with receipts, a pen, and a calculator. After shaking her head three or four times to clear it, she concentrated on her task, sorting the receipts by date, then jotting down entries in the checkbook. Of course, Charlie refused to use Quicken or another computer program to track his finances, relying on Bella to do so instead.

As she worked at the table, I sped around the kitchen, stacking and washing dishes, scrubbing counter tops and cupboard doors, bringing the room to sparkling cleanliness. Bella laughed when I nudged her, silently asking her to put her feet up while I swept then mopped under the kitchen table, expertly maneuvering the cleaning implements around her chair.

Bella looked up once from her checkbook while I worked and immediately regretted it. "Gosh, you're a blur! You're making me dizzy!" she exclaimed, covering her eyes for a few moments while trying to regain her equilibrium.

We finished before Charlie returned with a pizza boxin hand—after I gave him a quick call to suggest bringing home food so that Bella, already pale and exhausted, wouldn't have to make dinner. While she went upstairs to unpack, I made a quick salad for her and Charlie, thankful that raw vegetables possessed very little scent compared to cooked human food which smelled outright revolting. While they sat down for dinner, I flipped their television to CNN to catch up on the news; I had been too distracted by Bella's constant presence in our home to check it lately. Plus, I wanted to remain as far removed from that disgusting pepperoni as possible...

I left early in the evening, citing Bella's obvious exhaustion. She insisted on walking me out to the Volvo, stealing a sweet kiss before I drove away. Her pallor concerned me, and I planned to come back and wait for her in her room as soon as I dropped the Volvo at home. After chatting with my parents for a few moments—they wanted to know how Bella was settling back in, and Carlisle in particular was concerned, rightly so, about her doing too much too soon—I was climbing into Bella's room a mere thirty minutes after I left.

But I was too late to speak with my angel this night. As my feet landed silently on her wooden floor, I found Bella lying atop her quilt, still fully dressed and very deeply asleep, obviously trying to wait for me but completely worn out from her busy day. I had tried to spare her strength as much as possible by doing most of the physical work myself, but even the little she had done exhausted her.

Careful not to wake her, I slid Bella under her quilt after removing her navy blue Keds and white socks, leaving her to sleep in her summer shorts and t-shirt. She didn't shift a single muscle as I laid next to her, her breathing deep and regular. Her face, pale in the moonlight, was blessedly peaceful. I glanced at her digital alarm clock, noting that Bella had fallen asleep before 8:45 tonight. And I also knew that it would be many, many hours before she awakened.

It was going to be a _very_ long night.

_**Thanks for your patience as this story is being updated a little past a week after Chapter 40. But it's a loooooong one, so I hope that mitigates any hard feelings. **_

_**Please do let me know what you think. Reviews are food for the soul! :)**_

_**Thanks for reading and for supporting **_**Evening Star **_**as we begin our descent into **_**New Moon. **_**This story will finish when Edward leaves Bella in the forest; we're still six weeks out, but events are going to move forward quickly now. :) **_

_**Enjoy! **_


	42. Chapter 42: Summer Nights

_**Sorry for the delay on posting this one; I ran into a smidge of writer's block and had to really dig deep for this chapter. But it did end up being rather long again, so I hope that the length makes up for the delay, at least a little bit. **_

_**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer still owns all things Twilight, and I still don't. Rats. **_

**Chapter 42: Summer Nights**

Bella moved back to her home the second day of August and returned to work at Newton's a few days later. I greatly missed her constant presence in our home, mourning more than a little (as Alice pointed out more than once) when Bella insisted upon going home to care for her father. When she picked up her job again, working only two days per week for her first two weeks back, according to Carlisle's orders, I missed her even more. Although I attempted to mask my sullen mood in front of Bella, at least, my family was all-too-aware of my darker attitude as I spent hours pacing in my room, unable to be at peace until I was in the presence of my beautiful girl once again.

Of course, I spent every moment with her that I could, especially with summer slipping past us all too quickly; only three weeks remained until the Labor Day holiday weekend; our final year at Forks High began the following day. And then Bella's eighteenth birthday arrived exactly a week after the first day of classes.

Alice was already plotting a huge surprise party to celebrate Bella's birthday, blatantly ignoring my dire warnings that Bella would despise such a public celebration. My sister was planning to invite nearly the entire senior class and even debated having a swimming pool installed behind the house so that she could host a pool party with a Hawaiian theme, complete with grass skirts on all the tables, fresh plumeria leis overnighted from Honolulu's best florist, and actual Hawaiian beach sand around the edges of the pool area.

I definitely had my work cut out for me in reducing Alice's wild plans into something that Bella would actually not hate with a passion. Not that Bella would enjoy _any_ celebration, but I would have to acquiesce to at least a small family party to partially appease my dynamo of a sister—a party complete with a specially-designed cake (even though Bella would be the only one to consume it) and lavish gifts that Bella would certainly object to.

My dream celebration of Bella's birthday was quite different from what either Alice or Bella would consider: I desperately wanted to fly Bella to Paris for Labor Day weekend (on the supersonic Concorde to make the most of our limited time), spending several days alone together, showing her the sights of the most romantic city in the world. But I knew my love too well: Bella would cringe at the money spent on the extravagance of such a trip, and Charlie's objections would be vociferous despite the fact that my motives were pure (well, _mostly_ pure), so I didn't dare mention my wishes. Nor was I foolish enough to bring up Alice's extravagant party plans, hoping that my pixie-of-a-sister would envision Bella's severe distress and change her lavish plans without my interference (and thus I could possibly escape Alice's considerable wrath).

And as much as I desired to shower Bella with expensive gifts to celebrate her birthday, I knew better. She had already bound me to a vow of not spending _any_ money on gifts for her. In fact, she had extracted such promises from my entire family and even from her own parents. Bella was adamant about keeping her birthday completely under wraps at school and minimizing all family efforts to celebrate her in any way.

So I did not dare to mention my wishes for the Paris trip to Bella as I had heard far too much grumbling about her upcoming birthday already. Apparently Bella despised the fact that on her birthday she would be eighteen, a year older than my so-called "age." No matter how many times I attempted to persuade her that I was truly 107 and that she had nothing to worry about, she pouted in silence, her deep brown eyes both frustrated and sad.

And I knew the reasons behind both expressions. Bella was frustrated that I continued to refuse to change her into what I was. No matter how many times I patiently explained my reasons for my choice, Bella refused to agree that vampires, especially "vegetarian" vampires such as my family, were still monsters. If only she had been awake during the nights she had spent in our home! The wildness of passion between the mated couples in our home frequently had driven me away from the house over the years as I was often unwilling to witness the animalistic couplings of the three sets of lovers though their thoughts.

Not that I didn't want Bella in that way; my imaginings tended in that direction far too often as I pictured Bella with an immortal, indestructible body that could not only withstand but also return all of the powerful love and passion I felt toward her. Bella had little idea of how strictly I had to keep myself in control to merely brush my lips against hers. Having to hold my feelings and desires so carefully in check frustrated me to no end, but my moral side, assisted by frequent encouragement from Carlisle, recognized that the glories of unrestrained sex were not reason enough to rob Bella of her precious humanity.

So my imagination was all I had...imagination and many ice-cold showers.

I also refused to steal her soul although Carlisle disagreed with me on that all-important point.

The month Bella spent in our home during her convalescence was pure torture for me, yet sweetly so. I adored gathering Bella's fragile body against mine and holding her there, all night every night, even with a blanket separating us to protect her from my coldness. Yet with Bella living with us, I could no longer escape our home during the displays of vampiric passion which, although held behind closed doors, were all-too-loudly displayed in my mind as their passionate thoughts relentlessly bombarded me each and every night. As much as I tried to concentrate upon Bella's lovely presence, her unconscious beauty, it was only during her episodes of sleep-talking, when I strained to understand her faint mumblings that expressed her love for me, that I could successfully block their intimacies from my mind.

Thus the cold showers while Bella slept innocently down the hall.

And both Bella and I were unbelievably frustrated.

Frustration was not easy, but I can handle it. However, the accompanying sadness in Bella's eyes undid me, tearing at my heart and melting my resolve to protect her, body and soul.

Especially when I knew that her sadness stemmed from her feeling as though I didn't truly _want_ her...forever.

No matter how many times I expressed my love to Bella, through words and actions, she could not accept that I truly desired her...until I decide to keep her for all eternity.

Unfortunately, I had not come to this knowledge on my own; it took Alice sitting me down one afternoon while Bella worked at Newton's and gently explaining Bella's feelings to me from a woman's point-of-view. I sighed at the memory, recalling how doltish I had felt, having my sister convey Bella's internal struggles and insecurities.

So here I was, caught between the proverbial rock and hard place. I refused to destroy Bella's precious human life and beautiful soul by changing her into a vampire, yet because I refused her, loving her too much to subject her to a soulless existence driven by constant thirst for blood, Bella doubted my love for her. No matter what I said, no matter how many times I said it, she seemed not to be able to truly accept that she was worthy of my love or that I loved her with every frozen atom of my being...unless I was willing to make her like me—forever.

So on this Tuesday evening in mid-August, I strolled up her front walkway just after the hot summer sun dipped below the horizon. Summer was difficult for my family, even here in Forks, as the vast majority of the Olympic Peninsula's sunny days occurred in July and August. We were forced to take more care than usual, curtailing our outdoor activities until after the sun set. I had waited down the street in my Volvo until the exact moment the sun disappeared, then drove to her home, parking my car in her driveway behind Bella's monstrous truck a mere moment later. Waiting until dusk to see her was the most difficult, the most frustrating part of each day.

As I raised my fist to knock on the Swans' front door, I heard Bella and Charlie speaking inside, and I paused as my name came up. As much as I knew I should alert them to my presence, I decided to listen to their conversation for a just a moment first.

"Bells, you know how important it is for us to rebuild our friendship with the Blacks. Billy and I went through a tough patch lately, so whenever they invite us to do something, I want to go. I'm sorry if that means that you won't see Edward Friday night, but you see him every single evening anyway." The last words were growled; obviously Charlie's opinion of me following the catastrophe in Phoenix still hasn't improved terribly, despite my devotion to Bella during her illness. I sighed silently.

"But, Dad, I'm working all day Friday, and that evening is the only time I'll be able to see Edward all day. I can go down to La Push on Saturday if you want, but the evenings are mine and Edward's special time together. Our _only_ time together." Bella's voice was taut with frustration and repressed tears; apparently her work schedule was bothering her nearly as much as it was me. I never felt as though we had enough time together lately, and it was driving me insane.

"You need to balance your time better, Bella," Charlie scolded. "Jake hasn't seen you for over a month—closer to six weeks, actually—and that was when you were in the hospital. It's been even longer since Billy saw you—and you won't give up just _one_ evening to have a barbecue with them?" Charlie had dropped all subtlety and was shamelessly wheedling, unloading a guilt-trip worthy of a Jewish mother, or however the saying went. But I groaned internally at his words, recognizing that Bella would almost certainly give in to the guilt provoked by her father.

As much as I wanted to spend every possible moment with Bella, I recognized that she needed to have a social life beyond myself and my family, especially as a teenaged human girl. But I couldn't stem the panic rising in my chest at the thought of Bella being over the boundary in Quileute lands—someplace I couldn't go to watch her, where I couldn't protect her.

And Jacob's little crush on Bella was downright annoying.

Bella groaned, then, just as I figured, huffed a disgruntled "Fine!" to Charlie, giving into his badgering with poor grace, and stomped up the stairs to demonstrate the extent of her displeasure. I stifled a laugh at her stereotypical teenage behavior—a rarity for her. The vast majority of the time she behaved much more maturely than her years, but at this moment she was all teen.

At last I knocked at her door, grinning to myself as I heard Bella's gasp of pleasure. I heard her do a 180 at the top of the stairs and come bounding down them, breathlessly pulling open the door for me.

I pasted a smile on my face as I greeted Charlie, more than a little peeved at his strong-armed tactics in forcing Bella to attend this evening with Billy—who had stared at me with hatred—and Jacob—who still seemed unusually ill-at-ease in my presence.

Part of me still struggled with forgiving Jacob Black for revealing to Bella what I and my family are, and part of me was simply jealous of his and Bella's longstanding and easy friendship. Somehow he seemed to understand Bella more fully than I did...far too often.

Bella grasped my hand, smiling, and pulled me behind her into the kitchen where she continued with washing the dishes, her apparent activity when Charlie had started his guilt-tripping. As she turned to the sink, I wordlessly picked up a dishtowel and dried the dishes she washed and rinsed, putting them away in their proper place.

Charlie stood at the end of the kitchen counter for a few moments, watching us work in comfortable tandem before harrumphing and returning to the television to watch the start of the Mariners' game.

"So," I started, sounding far more calm than I felt, my voice low enough that Charlie couldn't hear me over the roar of the baseball crowds, "do I understand that we won't see each other on Friday?"

Nearly dropping the frying pan she was rinsing into the sudsy sink, Bella's eyes flew to mine. First anger then guilt crossed her expressive face. "You heard?" she whispered, darting an angry glance in the direction of her father.

I took the pan from her grasp, not meeting her eyes as I dried it thoroughly. I couldn't think of a way to express my concern regarding her being somewhere in which I could not watch over her or protect her without raising her ire. Bella's stubborn independence often frustrated me, yet I loved it, too—at least when it was not directed toward _me._ "Yes," I responded quietly.

"I just haven't seen Billy or Jacob in such a long time," she explained, slightly defensive.

I laughed humorlessly. "Bella, I heard the load of guilt your father laid on you. There was no way to tell him 'no' after that, was there?"

"No, there wasn't," she grumbled. She looked shyly at me as she handed me the last dish to dry. "You don't mind?"

"Oh, I mind," I corrected gently. "But I _do_ understand, Bella."

"Thanks," she breathed. After I put away the salad bowl and she had wiped down the kitchen counters and stove, she drew close to me, placing both arms around my neck. "I think," she smiled slyly, looking at me through her long lashes, "that such understanding deserves a reward."

"Does it now?" I breathed, placing my hands on her slender hips and pulling her against me.

"Hmmm, definitely." Bella lifted her face toward me, and I couldn't resist her gentle yet unsubtle advances. I bent my head toward hers, brushing my cold lips against her warm ones...once, twice, a third time, before moving my mouth against hers more passionately. Bella melted against me, her fingers twisting deliciously into the hair at the nape of my neck.

Unfortunately, after only two minutes of kissing Bella, Charlie pulled himself to his feet, his mind on fetching a beer during the commercial break between innings. Reluctantly I pulled myself away from Bella. At her surprised look of displeasure, I whispered, "Charlie," and instant understanding lit her face. She moved quickly away from me, grabbing a glass from the cupboard over the sink and filling it with water before Charlie ambled into the kitchen. I was leaning nonchalantly against the stove on the opposite side of the kitchen from the sink, as far from Bella as I could get while still remaining in the kitchen.

Charlie's suspicious eyes roamed from his blushing daughter who almost overfilled her glass of water to me, chagrined at not catching us doing something he could berate me over; he was rather hoping to throw me out on my ear if he ever found me making out with his daughter. But with my vampiric senses and mindreading, I was always at least one (if not several) steps ahead of him, and his frustration rose as he never caught us doing what he (correctly) assumed we were doing behind his back.

His mindset was slightly ridiculous, given that Bella was nearly eighteen, but I understood his desire to protect his daughter; I felt even more protective of Bella and knew how difficult it was to not be in complete control of all situations relating to her.

"We're going for a short walk, Dad," Bella informed him after taking a long drink from her glass of water. "We'll be back soon."

Charlie looked first at his daughter, then at me, obviously suspicious, then crooked his eyebrow at Bella. She groaned dramatically, then said, "We'll stay on our street, Dad. Okay?" she challenged.

Charlie nodded to her, then gave me a meaningful look which I returned with an innocent expression that seemed to annoy him to no end. He stalked back to his baseball game as Bella, grabbing my hand again, spirited me out the door, closing it emphatically behind her.

With our hands linked, we walked slowly down her street toward the dead end a couple of houses down. The night air was cool and refreshing after a particularly warm and humid day, and Bella breathed in the pine-scented air appreciatively.

"Ahhhh, freedom!" she exulted quietly, squeezing my hand. I smiled back at her in return, rejoicing in her happy expression which was free from worry or frustration for the first time in a long time; her sheer beauty astounded me into awed silence.

"What is it?" she asked, uncomfortable with the intensity of my gaze.

I stopped walking, scooping Bella into my arms and whisking us behind a tree out of the line of sight of her house in case Charlie was attempting to watch us. Setting her gently on her feet once again, I captured her lips in a searing kiss that made Bella breathless.

Literally.

Pulling back from the kiss, I traced the delectable shape of her lips with a cool index finger as I commanded quietly, "Breathe, love."

Bella's eyes were slightly out of focus, but she obeyed, taking in a lungful of sweet night air as I continued in a whisper, "You are so lovely."

She blinked twice, then smiled slightly, her eyes fixed on my lips just as mine were glued to hers. "Kiss me again, please?" she requested politely.

"You wish, my command," I responded teasingly, bending over her again.

And we lost ourselves in a deep, uninterrupted kiss that seared my mind and tempted me wildly to break every single one of my careful rules as my lips gently assaulted hers, both of us gasping in the twilight of this lovely August evening...

_**We are nearing the end—another 5-6 chapters and it will be finished...I think. ;) We do need a little more angst because of Jacob, don't you think? **_

_**Please let me know what you think—reviews make my day! (Literally!). **_


	43. Chapter 43: Loss of Control

_**A-hah! I'm kissing up a bit after being tardy with the last two chapters. This one is back to my 2500-word average (almost right on the nose, in fact). I could have gone longer with it, but decided I found a perfect place to stop it. However, I started right in on the next chapter since they're so closely related, so there's a real possibility I'll have another chapter for you in a few days. **_

_**Thanks for reading! :) **_

_**Standard Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns **_**Twilight **_**and I don't. Damn.**_

**Chapter Forty-Three: Loss of Control**

Bella had just fallen asleep in my arms, absolutely exhausted after working all day Thursday. We lay on her small bed, cool night breezes wafting in her open window, the slight chill hinting at the coming of fall. I gathered her closer as the delicate wind raised goosebumps across her bare arms. I took full advantage of this poor reason to hold Bella more tightly, for my body was undoubtedly colder than the light breeze. But any excuse would do, of course...

She murmured indistinctly in her sleep, snuggling closer to me as she sighed, a faint smile touching her unconscious visage. I smiled too, satisfied with my day's work of dropping by Forks High in order to gently persuade (Bella would have called it "dazzle"-semantics!) Mrs. Cope to align my and Bella's schedules to match almost exactly. Only one subject did not mesh as Bella was to study a different branch of higher mathematics than I was (much to her chagrin—math is her least favorite subject). But, disregarding this one exception, Mrs. Cope had been fairly easy to convince regarding changing my schedule to mirror Bella's.

Presenting Mrs. Cope and the office with a small bribe in the form of a rather generous box of candy, courtesy of Godiva Chocolatiers, also helped my request to become reality. I had forced myself to smile, tight-lipped, as I was bombarded by her rather lewd albeit flustered thoughts about my physical attributes, but the results of being with Bella nearly all day every day of our senior year was well-worth my suffering through twenty minutes of Shelly Cope's rather personal fantasies. I sighed at the memory, wishing that I could wipe a select few remembrances from my perfect vampiric memory—and today's events in the Forks High School office would definitely be included on the list of forgotten memories.

Being in only one class together, as Bella and I had been last year, was simply not acceptable. I wanted her at my side every possible moment, and by this time I was an expert at manipulating Shelly Cope and the rest of the staff at Forks High. I smiled to myself again, very pleased with my ingenuity, knowing that Bella, too, would be ecstatic over spending so many of our school hours together.

Perhaps now my mentioning school or her upcoming birthday would not cause Bella's lovely face to fall or her eyes to cloud with suppressed tears as has been the case for the past few weeks. I was more concerned than I let on about her highly emotional reactions to these two topics; perhaps now Bella would smile about our returning to school, at least.

However, I still could not wrap my considerable mental powers around the reason for Bella's dread of her birthday. While she complained, pouted, and even grieved at the thought of turning eighteen, I was thrilled for her.

After all, I would never turn eighteen. My smile faded at that thought—how I was frozen in time, trapped in a perpetually seventeen-year-old body, never moving forward, always a boy, never becoming the man I was meant to be. To tell the truth, despite Bella's dread of "aging," as she called it. I was more than slightly envious of her potential for growth—not just physical growth but mental and emotional growth as well. Any kind of change in these ways are rare for our kind. Yet Bella argued that changing her into a vampire would make us equals in age, in strength (once her newborn power waned, of course—something of which she was not yet aware), and in mental abilities.

But Bella did not recognize that she would _always_ be my superior, even if she remained in her present human form. Her thoughtfulness, her bravery, her unselfishness, her pure love—all of these qualities demonstrated why Bella would always be far, far above me.

Of course, she couldn't (or wouldn't) accept the sincerity of my words. Such ideas seemed so alien to her that I doubted she would ever see herself as I do, as my family does—or even as her own father and the rest of the town does...especially the young men of Forks. I growled softly at that last thought; Bella still had no idea how many of her classmates she had bewitched in her short tenure in this small town, and no amount of information or persuasion would alter her skewed underestimation of her many and varied charms.

My growl stirred Bella from her deep sleep; she sighed, turning onto her side facing away from me as she resettled into dreams. I turned as well, gathering her against me in the traditional "spooning" position, my arm snugly around her waist, her backside nestled against my thighs, my face pillowed on her long, strawberry-scented hair spread across her sheet.

"Edward..." Bella murmured, wiggling against me again. Her proximity in this position provided the most wondrous torture. While I adored having Bella this close to me, her perfectly-formed derriere flush against my ice-cold body, this "spooning" position immediately sent my imagination swirling into forbidden dreams—of my ripping Bella's sleep shorts and underwear from her warm form in a single motion, then freeing myself from my suddenly-binding khakis, our bodies gliding into one with a single, powerful thrust of my hips.

But with my thoughts wandering in this dangerous direction more and more frequently (and in more and more excruciating detail) than ever before, I untangled my body from Bella's, easing myself from her bed with extreme care to avoid waking her, distancing myself by taking a seat in her rocking chair. From the corner of her small room, I heard Bella groan in obvious complaint at the loss of contact with me, aware of my absence even while deeply unconscious. That groan didn't help my not-so-little problem; I tried to adjust myself into a more comfortable position, but nothing seemed to distract me from my fantasies tonight.

Shaking my head in disgust, I berated myself for allowing both my imagination and my body so far out of control tonight. I was no better than Mike Newton, Tyler Crowley, Eric Yorkie (or even at times, Mr. Banner, believe it or not), in allowing myself to fantasize about possessing Bella's slender body, so beautiful and perfect. Even young Jacob Black had struggled with seeing Bella in a romantic, even sexual, light, his mind straying to holding her and kissing her even while visiting her in the hospital after her illness. But even his deep and long-lived friendship with Bella wasn't enough to quash his own fantasies—a fact that I completely understood.

But my sympathy with other males who were attracted to Bella didn't mean that I had to _like_ it, especially when their minds pictured scenes starring Bella in quite lascivious detail. In fact, I despised such knowledge. Having to hear the detailed reactions that Bella evoked from the male population of Forks was torture.

It wasn't the first time, nor would it be the last, that I truly _hated_ my gift of mindreading.

And with the greatest self-control, I was managing to avoid Newton's Olympic Outfitters on the days in which Bella and Mike Newton worked together—for my own peace of mind and to preserve Newton's sorry life—not that I cared too very much about the latter except for Bella's sake since she looked on Mike as a friend. But Mike's survival definitely depended on my remaining out of range of his lewd thoughts regarding my lovely girl. Whenever Bella was within sight, Newton's mind descended to such intimate and sickening detail of conquering Bella's body that I could barely restrain myself from tearing him into small pieces.

_Very_ small pieces.

Yet here I was, no better than any of them...and perhaps even worse as I took advantage of her while she slept so innocently. I sighed, truly hating myself for my lapse of control tonight...and right in her own bed!

I was truly a monster.

I sighed again. Vampires are very sexual creatures, as the extremely passionate and highly frequent couplings among my own family members readily attested. So controlling my own desires and needs around Bella was far from easy; in fact, it was damn difficult.

And it was becoming more difficult every day.

I wanted Bella's body almost as much as I wanted her blood. And that was _really_ saying something...

I buried my head in my hands, elbows on my knees. The situation was untenable, the sexual tension constantly a thick barrier between us, despite our following the "rules" perfectly. Either I was going to have to bind both of us to stricter rules of conduct with one another, or I was going to be in frequent danger of killing Bella if my passion broke through my restraints.

Unless I changed her, of course.

And I knew very well which alternative Bella would strongly favor.

I was weary, so weary, of fighting her on the matter of changing her into a vampire. It was a subject she brought up several times a week; she attempted persuasion, pouting, anger, flirting rather outrageously, and even promises of sex. (The latter two I enjoyed far too much, I admit, despite the Herculean effort I constantly invested in controlling my reactions to her rather innocent (and therefore all-the-more tempting) attempts at seducing me.)

But my conscience was resolute: no matter how much easier it would be, _for me_, for Bella to become a vampire: I would no longer be driven wild by her intoxicating scent, nor would I be so constantly aroused by her stunning body only to be denied from following through on my fantasies.

However, I would not subject Bella to the monstrous aspects of our existence: the blood lust, the perpetual thirst, the uncontrollable passions and desires, the loss of humanity, and so on.

And no matter how desperately I wanted her to be like me for my sake, it wasn't good enough for my beloved. I wanted so much more for my Bella than what I was.

My thoughts continued to churn over these issues again and again, trying to seek an angle that would allow us to remain together without such heightened stress.

But she was my singer—her blood called to me. And her body...god, her body. I shook my head, readjusting my khaki pants. Again.

I seemed to find myself in this state of perpetual arousal since our trip to Seattle when my control had almost failed...when I had almost killed her.

At last, as dawn crept across the clouded skies, did Bella began to wake, her hands groping sleepily for me. I moved to her bed, sitting on the edge as her beautiful eyes fluttered open. She looked at me, still groggy still from sleep, then a slow smile spread across her face at the sight of me.

"Why aren't you here in bed with me?" she rasped, her voice hoarse with sleep.

I frowned, not wanting to tell her the real reason for fear she would use my weakness against me in her relentless campaign to become a vampire. But Bella was waiting, none too patiently, for my response.

I may as well tell her the truth...mostly.

"I needed a little breathing room," I admitted, hoping that she wouldn't fully comprehend the reason behind my rather vague statement.

Confusion crossed her face, then embarrassed understanding. "Oh," she said softly, blushing a lovely rose shade.

Damn. She did understand.

With a knowing smile, she scooted closer to me, pulling herself into a sitting position at my side. Slowly, deliberately, she stretched sleepily, her arms over her head and her mouth open in a yawn, her eyes keenly watching for my reaction.

Bella stretching in her thin tank top was a vision of beauty, making me want to bury myself deeply with her. _NOW._ I groaned as the scanty material clung to her breasts, outlining their perfect size and shape, leaving almost nothing to the imagination.

I gasped audibly, my eyes riveted on the vision before me, then, like the coward I was, I escaped to her doorway, grateful that Charlie had already left for work, and thus was unable to witness my embarrassing loss of control.

I took in several deep breaths, willing my own body to calm from its aroused state, praying that Bella would not notice the growing bulge in my pants.

But her wide eyes, riveted just below my waist, revealed that she recognized the extent of my arousal.

Damn. She was too good at this game of innocent seduction.

_But she was also playing with fire._

"Bella," I growled softly in warning, my eyes rebuking her. She returned my look, her eyes just a little too knowing to be completely innocent.

"Yes, Edward?"

Suddenly anger flashed through me. Bella and I had discussed how difficult it was for me to be around her at all—and why we needed strict boundaries in our physical relationship. But right now it seemed as if she were taunting me, wafting right under my nose what I couldn't have, what we couldn't DO. Bella's taking advantage of my weaknesses seemed grossly unfair to me.

Clenching my hands into rock-hard fists as I attempted to control my reaction, my eyes burned into hers, a very audible hiss escaping my taut lips. In a flash I turned in the doorway of her room, grasping the doorknob and feeling the brass mold itself to the shape of my fisted palm and fingers. As I slammed the door shut between us with a resounding _crack _that shook the entire house, the door frame crumpled with the sheer force of my anger.

In the split-second before I crashed the door shut, I saw fear cross Bella's pale, shocked face.

_She was afraid . _

_ Of __me__._

Swallowing, my anger dissipated in the eighth of a second since recognizing the fright in her wide brown eyes. Frozen, I remained where I stood, realizing that the doorknob I still grasped in my hand had been pulverized into a sand-like substance. An immense wave of self-loathing broke over me, gagging me where I stood. I closed my eyes, falling to my knees under the power of the emotion, the brass sand still gripped in my closed fist.

_I did not deserve Bella. _

That much was crystal-clear.

Although Bella's attempts at persuasion had wound me into a tight coil of repressed feelings over the past few weeks, there was no excuse for what I had just done.

_I had lost control. _

_ And I had terrified her. _

This was _exactly_ why Bella should not become like me. Vampires, even "vegetarians" like ourselves, could be incredibly volatile. All it took was one slip of our imperfect control, and mayhem, even death, could result.

_I could not—and I would not—burden her life with such a responsibility. _

_ By all that is holy, I swear that Bella will remain human, if it was the last thing I ever did. _

_**So there we are. I'm trying to paint Edward into the corner in which he will be leaving Bella in **_**New Moon. **_**The major reason I started writing this fic was to better explore how he could have possibly left her in the first place. I know my story is not exactly canon, but playing with this summer between the books has helped me to better understand Edward and his reasons for leaving Bella, knowing full well how miserable he will be. Yes, leaving her is a mistake, but I wanted a peek behind WHY he would make such a grave error. And I think these closing chapters are doing that—they're showing how Edward really had no other choice, given his "vows," except to leave Bella to live her human life without him. (I know—I sob with you!)**_

_**Please do review? Pretty please? :)**_

_**3,**_

_**Cassandra :)**_


	44. Chapter 44: Repercussions

_**Sorry that posting this took a little longer than I had planned. Enjoy! **_

**Chapter Forty-Four: Repercussions**

I'm not sure how long I remained kneeling in front of Bella's bedroom door. A buzzing in my pocket pulled me out of my self-flagellation and my renewed vow to never allow Bella to become a vampire...no matter what.

With a resigned sigh, I drew my cell phone from my front pocket and glanced at it; there was a text from Alice.

Of course there was.

I'm sure she had seen everything. I closed my eyes for a moment, steeling myself for my sister's none-too-tactful directives. After taking in three deep breaths, I achieved at least the outward appearance of calm, and the inward ability to focus on Alice's text.

_Get your ass back in there and calm Bella down, you idiot, _I read_. _

If the situation had been less fraught with agony, I would have at least smiled at my sister's perceptive message, if not chuckled.

But far too much was riding on how I handled my loss of control—humor was the farthest thing from my mind.

As I pulled myself to my feet with great effort, I became aware of sounds emanating from behind the wrecked door of Bella's room. The quiet sobs shaking her bed, paired with occasional rough gulps of air, stabbed at my heart more sharply than any stiletto knife.

_God, what have I done?_

_ And how could I explain my overwrought reaction? _

It seemed impossible.

My phone buzzed again in my hand, and I read Alice's new message:

_Just focus on calming her down right now. Work on the rest later. _

I nodded, realizing the wisdom of my sister's advice. Then another buzz directed my eyes back to the screen to read:

_Just so you know, you and I are going to have a very loooooong talk tonight, Edward. And I am so going to tear you limb-from-limb for upsetting my best friend, you ass. So get the hell in there—no excuses. _

But I still stood there, my feet seemingly adhered to the worn wooden floorboards outside Bella's room. Then a fourth text message buzzed at me:

_ NOW. _

I pocketed my phone and sighed. Yes, Alice was right; I needed to calm Bella first and leave explanations for later. Taking a deep breath, I gently knocked at her ruined door, asking quietly, "Bella?"

I heard the creak of her ancient bedsprings as she pulled herself to a sitting position. Her bedclothes rustled as she moved, and she sniffed several times before bending to retrieve a tissue from her bedside table, blowing her nose and sniffling a few more times. I heard her take in a deep breath, then another, apparently trying to calm herself.

_She was refusing to allow me to calm her._

As much as I knew I deserved to be raked over the proverbial coals for my loss of control and for my violent reaction, Bella's refusal to let me hold her and quiet her sobs struck at my heart again, the pain strangely physical in its intensity.

_Was this how our separation—the one Alice had foreseen in the spring—was to happen? _But the timing seemed slightly off—the weather more fall-like in Alice's vision, with l leaves beginning to shift colors.

I buried those fears—the ones I had refused to allow myself to think about all summer—because the agony Alice's vision had evoked in me was absolutely and completely debilitating. Alice _must_ be mistaken. She simply _HAD_ to be wrong, this time...despite the fact that she was very rarely wrong.

I was brought out of my pained ponderings by Bella's soft whisper.

"Come in," she invited uncertainly, her voice still trembling with suppressed tears.

As I reached tentatively for the doorknob to open her door, a shower of mangled brass shavings rained from my open hand onto the scuffed wooden floor. Her doorknob was now sprinkled across the floor; the only way to open her door was by pushing it open. However, the mangled frame would have made opening it nearly impossible for mere human strength.

But placing my palms against her crumpled door, I gave the solid-core wood a light shove. Her damaged door flew open, loosed from its splintered door frame.

I would definitely have to repair her door and its surrounding frame before Charlie came home from work tonight.

But repairs to her door would have to wait.

Something far more important needed to be repaired first.

Slowly I crossed her room and seated myself beside her, trying to keep my movements measured and deliberate in order to quiet Bella's fears.

Sitting beside her now, I glanced at Bella. Her face was swollen, her eyes fixed on the floor as she refused to look at me.

Closing my eyes for a moment, I prayed that she would forgive me.

_She has to forgive me. _

_ I could not live without her._

"Bella," I breathed, agony searing my soul at the thought of losing her...forever_._

She turned her eyes to me then. I was shocked at the depth of pain in her melted chocolate orbs, the whites reddened by tears. Her face, far paler than usual, was set in hard, defensive lines.

_I had never seen her as upset, as shaken to her core, as she was in this moment._

_ Damn. _

_ Was this it? Would she force me to leave? _

_ I couldn't leave. Ever. _

_ She was my heart, my soul, my life—or at least my existence. _

_ I could not go on without her. _

With a gasp of pain, a vision of my own stabbed my undead heart. My existence without Bella would be a dark nothingness—a void absent of the slightest glimmer of light, nothing but centuries of emptiness, of searing agony, laid out before me.

For I knew as deeply as I knew anything, that I could never truly leave her. I would be reduced to watching her from afar—watching her fall in love with a human, a man who could give her everything that I could not. She would marry, have children, and live a long, happy, normal human life while I was be relegated to watching her from the shadows, guarding her from all harm as well as I could.

_Without ever letting her know. _

And in my mind I was certain that my face had taken on the agonized, burning expression that Alice had envisioned last June. I swallowed hard, trying to bury the searing pain just enough to allow Bella to have her say...

_To let her let me go._

The pain was excruciating—like nothing I had ever experienced—

Not even when I thought I would kill her that first day, her scent so impossibly tempting...

Not even when Tyler's van nearly crushed her, possibly spilling her blood and her life...

Not even when she was bleeding on the floor of the ballet studio after being tortured by that animal...

Not even when she burned with fever, delirious, in my arms mere weeks ago...

_I was completely and utterly without hope. _

"Bella," I repeated, my voice scarcely audible.

And in a flurry of motion that I couldn't follow in my agonized state, Bella was in my lap, her arms wrapped around my neck in a near-chokehold, her slim body heaving with deep sobs against my chest, her legs gripped around my waist.

My arms automatically held her to me, protectively and lovingly. And my body shook, too, with tearless sobs that came from an untouched place deep within me—a place where relief was so strong that I could not comprehend it. I could only embrace her, allowing hope to slowly push roots into earth—growing, budding, blooming.

Intertwined, we held onto one another for an immeasurable length of time.

And it seemed as if, in this one strained, desperate moment, I could read her mind. I saw how absolutely and completely we were bound together...how we could not survive without one another. I wasn't the only one who couldn't survive if we were separated.

I had never believed that I was worthy of her love. Bella was an angel; I was a monster. But somehow, against all logic, against all reason, even against the laws of nature, she loved me as fully and as completely as her human heart was capable...and perhaps even beyond that.

Gratitude flooded me, deepening my tearless sobs as we shook and were shaken in each others' arms.

At long last, I became aware that Bella was stroking my face, her voice, ragged from crying, attempting to soothe me. I had no idea how long she had been doing so. I forced my mind from its swirling incomprehension to focus on her sweet voice.

"Sssshhhh, Edward. Ssssshhhhh. It's okay. Everything's okay. You're all right. We're all right. Please, Edward. Please stop. Sssssshhhhh. I can't bear to see you like this..." Bella's voice broke, and for her sake, with every particle of concentration I could muster, I drew myself out of the deep suffering and pained hope in which I had been drowning, absolutely helpless.

With great effort, I forced my eyes open. It took a long moment for anything I saw to register in my brain, but at last I was able to see. The first sight I was able to focus on was Bella's melted chocolate eyes, pained with deep concern.

It look even greater effort to make a conscious motion, but I raised my hand to my face where her palm was continuing to stroke soothingly, and I covered her hand with mine.

Our eyes were glued, attempting to read each others' minds—a fruitless endeavor on both of our parts, but we couldn't seem to stop trying.

Leaning toward her so that our foreheads gently touched, I cleared my throat before whispering in a voice that sounded nothing like mine, "I am so, so sorry, Bella. I have no excuse. I am the worst—"

"Stop." Her voice was shaking but firm at the same time.

"But—" I started before she pressed a small finger to my lips, silencing me.

"Edward, this is all my fault," she insisted. But I had to stop her; she was _so_ wrong. _The fault was completely mine and mine alone. _

I raised my finger to her lips, quieting her in turn. "No, love. The fault is mine. I have no excuse," I whispered, despite her fingertip on my lips. "All I can do is beg for your forgiveness." I looked down, afraid for her to see the intensity that I was sure was burning in my eyes, darkened by deep emotion.

"You have it," she said quietly. "On one condition."

I breathed in, scarcely able to believe that she was willing to forgive me. She was an angel, pure and simple. And her condition? I would give her anything—I would give her the moon, if she asked for it. "What is it?" I managed to choke out, emotion welling up in my throat, making talking almost impossible.

"My condition is that you are willing to listen to _my_ apology."

Startled, I pulled my face away from hers to better see her expression. "_Your_ apology?" I questioned almost harshly. "What do _you_ need to apologize for?"

She looked down at her hands as she twisted them together in her lap, refusing again to let me see the expression in her eyes. "For purposefully tempting you."

"Aaaaah," I remembered, my body reacting again to the memory of Bella's glorious form, outlined in excruciatingly beautiful detail for me as she deliberately stretched her body.

"I shouldn't have done that," Bella whispered remorsefully. "It wasn't fair to you, especially when we agreed to your rules."

How often I wished to break those rules myself—they were the most maddening idea I had ever come up with. What was I thinking when I instituted them? Stupid, stupid, stupid...

Then I remembered: the rules guiding our physical relationship were to keep Bella alive. _Damn._ _Of course, it figures that there's a good reason for them..._

But I was getting off track...again. I swallowed once more, searching for the right words to bring healing and peace to the awkward situation. "There's nothing to forgive—"

Bella attempted to interrupt me, but I raised my hand to stop her, and she folded her lips closed, looking slightly mutinous. If our present situation was not so deadly serious, I would have smirked at her all-too-familiar expression.

I continued, "As I said, there is nothing to forgive, but if it makes you feel better, then I accept your apology and forgive you utterly and completely."

Bella's face relaxed, and she nestled herself against my chest, her arms reaching around my torso. "Thank you," she breathed, seemingly content.

I pulled Bella close to me, rejoicing in the closeness of her body, her heart beating against my silent chest steadily and peacefully—the most beautiful sound in my world.

But we weren't quite finished with our discussion yet.

"And will you forgive me, love?" I asked quietly. "I should have controlled my reaction far better. I'm so, so sorry."

"Of course," she whispered, pulling back from my chest just enough to press her lips gently against mine. I returned her kiss, thankfulness surging through me.

After a moment, we separated, smiling at each other contentedly. Bella glanced at her door, then looked back at me, grinning. "I think you owe me a new door, though," she teased.

I smirked, appreciating the lightness of our banter after so much angst this morning. "How about if you shower while I run to the hardware store to purchase what I need to repair this destruction?"

"I showered last night," she complained. But when I moved her within sight of the full-length mirror near her bed, she frowned at her rather blotchy face, tangled hair, and rumpled appearance.

"Okay, okay," she agreed reluctantly, "sounds like a plan." After gathering her toiletries and clothing and giving me one more kiss, Bella disappeared into the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

By the time she emerged thirty minutes later, her damp hair twisted into a towel atop her head, I was already at work rebuilding the mangled door frame. She gave me a quick kiss as she returned to the bathroom, leaving the door open as she blew her hair dry, our eyes often meeting while we worked on our respective tasks.

Then I glanced at the clock, noticing the time. "Bella, what time do you need to be at work today?" I asked, knowing the answer but trying to present the information in such a way that would cause her minimal panic.

Her eyes widened with shock as they shot to the alarm clock next to her bed. "Oh, no! I'm supposed to be there in eight minutes! I'll never make it," she groaned dismally.

I made a decision in a fraction of a second. "I'll run you there through the woods and will drop your truck off later. If Newton asks, tell him I'm taking your truck in for an oil change while you work."

Bella nodded. I turned my back toward her, and she climbed on, burying her face in the side of my neck. I whisked her down the stairs, stopping in the kitchen to grab a granola bar for her breakfast. Even if she couldn't eat it right away, at least she'd have something to snack on during her first break.

In a blink of an eye, we were there. Bella clambered ungracefully off my back as I came to a halt in the forest directly behind Newton's Olympic Outfitters. As I bent to kiss her goodbye, I thrust the granola bar into her hand.

"Thanks! Love you!" Bella called over her shoulder as she ran across the lot and through the back door of the store. I checked my watch, and Bella had made it to work with 45 seconds to spare. Not bad...

_**Thanks for the kind reviews for the last few chapters! I am so enjoying hearing from some of you who read along faithfully but whom I have never "met" here. **_

_**I hope to post the first chapter of my new story, **_**Pinned but Fluttering,**_** by the weekend. The Prologue is up already. **_

_**Also, I have a blog up now in case you'd like to check it out: **__**http: / Cassandra Lowery . Blogspot . com**__** (take spaces out when you copy it into your browser)**_

_**Happy reading, all! And thanks for reviewing—they make my day! :)**_

_**-Cassandra :) **_


	45. Chapter 45: Making Repairs

_**Here's Chapter 45—only about five more chapters left of **_**Evening Star,**_** believe it or not. (I'm not sure I do!) It's possible that this story may go a wee bit longer; we'll see. Enjoy!**_

_**Standard Disclaimer: All things **_**Twilight**_** belong to Stephenie Meyer. I'm just torturing her characters for no reason whatsoever. ;) **_

**Chapter Forty-Five: Making Repairs**

After running Bella to work, I returned to her home to start repairing the door and door frame I had destroyed this morning. After a very short time, the new door frame I had built from carefully-matched moldings was drying after an application of primer; the new door I had purchased from the hardware store was balanced on two sawhorses in the backyard, also drying after a coat of varnish that perfectly matched the other doors upstairs. I seriously doubted that Charlie would ever notice the new door and frame as I was matching the new components with extreme care.

While the primer and varnish dried, I drove Bella's truck over to our house where, after donning automotive coveralls to protect my clothing, I changed the oil myself in our garage, using Rosalie's wheeled backboard to roll myself beneath the truck. While I worked, I couldn't help marveling that, despite its age, her truck was actually in great shape mechanically...with no thanks to Jacob Black's care and expertise.

I attempted to crush the envious thought; he was a mere boy who had known Bella since childhood. How then could I blame him for his admiration of Bella when so many others felt the same way about her? I sighed; so many boys were taken with Bella's outward appearance, but I was the only one who knew and adored her inner beauty which was of far greater value than the lovely package containing it.

But did Jacob know Bella as well as I did? It was a definite possibility.

Groaning to myself, I maneuvered my mind away from thoughts of Jacob and back to the topic of vehicles. Despite her protestations, I still dreamed of purchasing Bella a little Audi coupe—in a muted charcoal gray. It would be perfect for her. Fast, light, easy to drive, and safe,_ very _safe—which was of the utmost importance for Bella, of course. Fate still seemed to be gunning for her, and keeping her protected and safe from all harm had indeed become a full-time job, one I accepted gladly and with full knowledge of the privilege I had been granted.

But for some strange reason beyond me, Bella adored this behemoth of a truck, so I resolved to keep my wishes to myself regarding the Audi and continue to maintain her truck well, keeping it in excellent repair. Its size and weight, while insuring poor gas mileage, at least kept Bella relatively safe. After all, it was nearly as indestructible as I was.

As I finished the oil change and minor maintenance, I rolled myself out from under the truck as Esme hurried a small basket out to the garage: lunch for Bella.

"I made her a chicken salad with pecans and dried cranberries, and I packed some cherries and a peach for her," Esme explained. "Do you think she'll like it?"

I quickly removed my oil-splattered coveralls before hugging my mother. "It's perfect," I assured her, kissing her cheek. "Bella will love it. Thank you."

Esme returned my hug and kiss, then disappeared back into the house. I smiled, rejoicing in the love my family felt for Bella. She truly deserved it, too.

Moments later I was parking Bella's truck behind the sporting goods store in one of the dedicated employee spaces. Knowing that it was nearly time for Bella's lunch break, I rounded the building, entering through the front customer entrance, Esme's basket in hand. As I approached the register, I attempted to ignore Mike Newton's rather lewd thoughts as he eyed Bella who was standing on a ladder, stacking boxes of hiking boots into neat rows above a display. Because Newton's eyes were glued on Bella's derriere, he didn't notice my entering the store. But I couldn't quite suppress the growl that emanated from my chest at his thoughts.

_ Man, Bella has the most amazing ass. I'll have to ask her to do ladder stocking more often. The view is incredible—a private show, just for me. Man, I wish she were mine. She can't be THAT into Cullen, can she? He's just so—_

I placed Esme's basket on the sales counter in front of Mike, glaring at him with absolute loathing which, fortunately for him, halted his offensive thoughts...before I killed him. Seriously.

_ Shit! I didn't see Cullen there. Damn! I wonder if he saw..._

My icy eyes stared him down. "Yes, I saw," I hissed, just loud enough for him to hear, but low enough that Bella didn't. I leaned over him, keeping my voice low and menacing so that only Mike could hear me. "Newton, if I _EVER_ see you checking out Bella like that again, or if I hear of you assigning her a task merely to provide yourself with your own 'private show,' I will make you rue the day you were born. Do you understand?" My eyes promised him certain death if he attempted such a stunt again.

If I wasn't deathly angry, I might have laughed at the thought that Newton would probably stay on the opposite side of the store from Bella from now on.

Unable to form words from sheer fright, Newton nodded, his face ghostly pale.

"Good,"I hissed. Turning in her direction, I forced a smile for Bella who was still unaware of my presence. "Good afternoon, Bella," I said quietly, trying not to surprise her overly much, concerned that she could fall from her perch.

Despite my attempt at a gentle greeting, Bella twisted atop the ladder, almost losing her balance. I started moving toward her, all-too-aware that Newton's presence bound me to human-like speed. Catching herself with both hands gripping the side supports of the ladder, Bella grinned widely at me as she clambered down.

I breathed easy again, now that she was safely on solid ground.

"What are you doing here?" she smiled as she approached the sales counter where I stood, obviously thrilled to see me.

"I brought back your truck; the oil is changed and I installed a new air filter. And I brought you lunch," I replied, indicating the small basket on the counter. "Esme made it for you."

"Thank you!" Bella exclaimed, smiling still. "Can you stay and talk to me while I eat?"

Mike cleared his throat awkwardly, his former pallor becoming pink with embarrassment. (He really shouldn't tempt me with blood rushing to his face like that—the desire to kill him was becoming more and more difficult to stifle.) "Um, Bella...remember, my mom and dad are coming in during lunch for a store meeting? Amy's going to watch the store for us while we're in the back."

Bella's face fell. "Oh, yeah. I forgot." Her glance returned to me, regret in her eyes.

Completely ignoring Mike, I leaned toward her, kissing her on her forehead. "I'll see you tonight, then, love."

She frowned. "After the party?"

Puzzled, I asked, "The party?"

"You know, Billy asked Charlie and me over for dinner tonight. I think he's inviting the Clearwaters, too."

Oh, right. She would be spending the evening with Jacob. I was not happy about her attending the party, but I knew that she was doing it more to keep the peace with Charlie than for any desire to spend time with the Quileutes. Young Jacob shouldn't really be any trouble. Bella viewed him as only a friend, despite Jacob's occasional thoughts to the contrary. I took a deep breath, schooling my features into a calm mask.

"Certainly," I responded, my voice clipped. "Do you still want me to come by afterward?"

"Of course!" she responded emphatically before looking down, apparently upset. "I always want you to come by," she murmured under her breath.

I forced a smile. "I shall see you then," I replied, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

Mike watched our exchange, a smirk playing at the edges of his mouth as, despite how clueless he usually was, he managed to pick up on the tension between Bella and myself. I quelled his satisfaction by gathering Bella into my arms to kiss her goodbye quite thoroughly. Bella responded with equal passion, and I enjoyed Mike's reaction as he stomped away from us, dismayed by our affectionate display.

Pulling back, I kissed Bella on the nose and promised in a husky voice, "See you tonight, love." Bella's eyes were slightly unfocused as I released her; she shook her head a few times to clear it, apparently "dazzled" once again, before she returned my smile.

As I exited the store, I glanced over my shoulder for one more look at my love. Bella was peering into Esme's lunch basket, a small smile playing across her face. I couldn't help grinning to myself at her eager expression as I left Newton's Olympic Outfitters in a much better mood than I possessed upon entering it.

Unfortunately, my good mood was extremely short-lived. All it took to bring my smile crashing into a frown was the thought of how Bella was spending this evening: with the Blacks. I was only slightly annoyed with Billy Black; he knew what we were, but he was sworn to secrecy. As much as he may not like us, he was bound by the treaty to protect our secret. I could handle his scorn and even his fear much better than I could deal with the more complex thoughts of his son.

But why? What was it about Jacob Black that troubled me?

As I ran back to our home, the forest blurring as my mind pondered this question, I realized that I simply didn't trust Jacob Black. I couldn't quite pinpoint the reason behind my distrust, but I had a sinking feeling that Bella was not safe in his presence.

I shook my head in bemusement. What was I thinking? I was no Alice, and the wolf-gene seemed to have died out with Ephraim Black and his small pack seventy years ago. But then why was there a niggling disquiet in the back of my mind at the thought of Bella spending time with him? They had known each other since they were toddlers, and Jacob certainly wasn't old enough to be attractive to Bella; he was a couple of years younger, and there was simply no way an eighteen-year-old like Bella would consider dating an almost sixteen-year-old like Jacob, even if Bella were unattached...

_Which she wasn't._

Approaching our home, I leapt up the porch stairs and through the front door. The living room was empty...except for a dark-haired pixie seated on the white sofa, legs crossed and arms folded across her chest. Her disgruntled expression brought me up short.

Sighing as I perceived both her mood and her desire to discuss the day's events in excruciating detail, I seated myself on the sofa beside her. Suddenly mind-weary, I dropped my head into my hands, my elbows on my knees for support.

I closed my eyes with another heavy sigh, rubbing my fingers over the closed lids in frustration. This was the kind of day that saps even the strength of a vampire. I had felt incredible highs and heart-stopping lows today. This yo-yo of an emotional rollercoaster was exhausting, even for an immortal.

"Okay, Alice. Let's hear it," I groaned, my head still in my hands.

"You are an ass, Edward Cullen," she started. And I knew it would only get worse.

"What did I do this time?" I grumbled, although I knew exactly where this confrontation was heading...unfortunately.

"You are hurting my best friend, and I won't allow it. Not even from you! I don't care if you're my brother. Bella is my best friend—my first real friend outside of this family—and I won't let you upset her like this!" Alice nearly spat.

"I won't change her, Alice. I refuse to condemn her soul to an eternity of darkness, and that's that. I couldn't live with myself if I allowed it to happen," I spoke wearily, repeating many of the same arguments I had presented to Bella.

"Have you asked Bella what she wants?" Alice retorted.

I raised my head to glare at my sister. "You know very well what she wants."

"Yes, I do. She's quite determined, you know," she replied softly.

I searched her mind, wondering about the sudden change in her voice and demeanor. Alice had been angry, but now she seemed...compassionate? Understanding?

_Women, immortal or mortal, are very confusing creatures,_ I thought. I doubted I would ever understand the strange ways in which their minds work. And it definitely didn't help that Alice was deliberately blocking her mind right now; she focused on translating the Book of Job from the original Hebrew into Tagalog, an exercise that hid her every other thought from me.

"Alice," I growled. "What aren't you telling me?"

She sighed. "You aren't going to like it."

I grasped her arms just above her elbows. "Is it about Bella? Tell me!" I demanded, gripping Alice's arms harder in my panic.

"Edward! Stop it _now!" _hissed Jasper's voice from the stair landing above us. In a sixteenth of a second, he was in front of me, his eyes dark with anger.

I released Alice who rubbed her upper arms a little ruefully. Ashamed of my actions, I flew up two flights of stairs and into my room, slamming the door behind me. An errant thought crossed my mind: I was thankful that Esme had designed the door frames of this house to withstand vampire temper-tantrums—her excellent foresight meant fewer repairs for me to do today.

The thought of repairs reminded me that I still had work to complete at Bella's house before Charlie arrived home. Opening one of my floor-to-ceiling windows, I leapt to the ground, escaping both my house and Jasper's angry thoughts, despite Alice's attempts to calm him down.

Although I was ashamed of grabbing my sister as I had, Alice still had some explaining to do.

I ghosted through the forest, arriving at Bella's deserted house mere minutes later. I quickly completed the repairs, hanging the new door, coated with s second layer of shiny varnish, in its freshly painted frame and installing the new antiqued brass doorknobs that matched the knobs to the bathroom and Charlie's room closely enough that Charlie would not notice. It was mid-afternoon before I was finished—mostly because of waiting for the darn paint and varnish to dry in the always-damp air of Forks.

I had tidied up my mess, returned Charlie's tools to their proper places, stowed the primer, paint, and varnish in the back corner of the garage in case I ever needed them again, and swept up all the debris. I observed my handiwork and was satisfied—no human would be able to detect the newness of the repairs; everything truly looked original.

I smiled at the thought of Bella's inspection, imagining her shaking her head in disbelief as she looked carefully over the door and frame when she got home tonight.

I had hoped to meet her here at her house briefly before she and Charlie headed to La Push, but Bella had informed me that as her shift was later than usual—as often was the case on Friday nights—she would be driving to straight to La Push from Newton's, and Charlie would meet here there after his shift and a quick trip home to change from his uniform to casual clothing.

So I wouldn't see Bella until she came home tonight—probably not until nine or ten at least. I found myself pacing back and forth across her small bedroom, a sense of acute anxiety coming over me. Why was I so worried? What could possibly happen to Bella in La Push?

Hmmm. Perhaps that was a question better left unanswered, due to Bella's propensity for dangerous situations.

So what danger was possible? I forced my mind to focus as I attempted to quell a distinct feeling of panic at Bella's being outside my protection.

She was driving her behemoth, so she should be safe on the roads, especially since only light drizzle was forecasted tonight. So the possible danger was in La Push—a place I hadn't been in seventy-some years, a place where I was not allowed to trespass if I wanted to keep the treaty intact.

But perhaps I could patrol the border set by the treaty, just in case I could pick up any thoughts that could indicate danger for Bella.

This was an action I could take—one far more productive than pacing across Bella's room for hours, waiting for her return.

I was out her window and flashing through the forest a mere sixty seconds later, bent on reaching the La Push border before Bella did.

I would make sure she was safe...

No matter what.


	46. Chapter 46: Wolves?

_**Okay, here is Chapter 46. I struggled with it for the past two weeks, and I'm just gonna post it, as is. Thanks for being patient despite me delay in updating. It's been a busy couple of weeks since school started, and my teaching load is pretty serious...**_

_**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things **_**Twilight**_**, and I don't. **_

**Chapter Forty-Six: Wolves?**

It took only moments of racing through the dense forests until I reached the border marking the Quileute lands set out by Carlisle and Ephraim Black over seventy years ago. The highway snaked through the mountain passes leading down to the sea, but of course, I could not follow the highway any further unless I were to break the treaty—something Carlisle would be extremely angry about. My father-figure seldom lost his temper, but I knew that upsetting seventy-some years of peaceful co-habitation with the Quileute tribe would push him to his limit...and perhaps beyond.

I slowed as I approached the border, noting the line of demarcation more for a strange scent permeating the air than for the actual physical characteristics of the land. The smell was musky and remotely familiar—a scent I had not encountered for many years.

I inhaled deeply, grimacing at the unpleasant aroma but desiring to recall its origin.

Then I remembered.

It was an odor reminiscent of Ephraim Black himself, although different at the same time.

There was only one conclusion I could come to.

_There must be wolves nearby. _

Unable to believe my conclusion, I shook my head. As far as my family knew, the strange strain of Quileute men who shifted into the shape of wolves, an animal long sacred to their tribe, had died out with the generation of Ephraim Black. When we first returned to this area two years ago, Carlisle had met with the grandson of Ephraim, Billy Black, to renew the treaty. And Billy Black had stated at that time, in answer to Carlisle's direct query, that there were no shape-shifters in the Quileute tribe. And as I searched his mind as he answered Carlisle's question, his thoughts revealed no deception.

Perhaps the wild wolves of this area possessed a similar odor to that of the shape-shifters of seventy years ago?

_Possible._

Probable, in fact.

On our frequent hunting expeditions in this general area, we had caught the scent of very few wolves, but perhaps there were some wolf dens on the tribal lands beyond the border and thereby off limits to us by the treaty.

In fact, that situation would explain a lot. I allowed this supposition to relax the tensed muscles of my shoulders of which I was unaware until the tenseness began to ebb.

I made my way away from the highway, along the boundary line to a grouping of tall spruces. I climbed the tallest tree in a flash, and from this vantage point on the side of a mountain, I could see the highway perfectly.

Just as I got comfortably situated—or as comfortably as one can be sitting halfway up a mature spruce—I detected the purr of an approaching vehicle below me. Peering down from my perch above the meanderings two-lane road, I quickly recognized the car via both keen sight and stellar hearing. Charlie's cruiser passed the boundary line and proceeded into La Push, out of my line of sight.

_Perfect._ Although Charlie's mind was somewhat muffled for me as always—probably a trait passed down to his daughter, strengthened in her to the point that I could not hear her mind at all—I latched onto the possibility that I could track his mind from my position here just outside the Quileute border and thus be able to pick up some of the conversation and thoughts occurring at the Black's little soiree.

Obviously I wouldn't be able to hear Bella's thoughts, but it would quiet my anxious mind greatly if I could listen to the other minds present in the Blacks' home. My mind-reading range extended only one-and-a-half to two miles with unfamiliar voices; I sincerely hoped that the Blacks didn't live too far inside the boundary line.

I groaned slightly as Charlie's thoughts registered in my mind; I missed a word or phrase here and there as usual, but I captured the gist of his thoughts tonight...

Unfortunately.

Despite my distaste over the direction of his mind, I concentrated with great effort as I tracked the path of his thoughts.

_I just don't trust that kid, _Charlie thought—about me, of course.

I sighed. It figured that he'd be thinking about me; that maxim about eavesdroppers rarely hearing good about themselves was all-too-true. But I tuned into Charlie's thoughts with renewed concentration so that I could follow his mental voice to the Blacks'...although I couldn't help cringing a little as his unflattering and too-perceptive thoughts continued. _There's something not quite right with all of those Cullens, even Alice. I feel like there's a secret—a huge secret—that I'm not in on, but that Bella and the Cullens know about. At least I pried Bella and _him_ apart for an evening. That kid never spends time at his own home, not even for meals. He keeps saying that he's on a special diet, but still...shouldn't he be home for dinner once in a while? It's just...weird. I don't like Bella spending so much time with him. I hope she finds someone here on the Res that she'll like better than Cullen. I mean, Jake is a little younger than she is, but he's a good-looking kid and they've known each other forever. Why can't she fall for someone like Jake instead of for Edward Cullen?_

I lost the train of Charlie's thoughts at that point. My hands balled into tight fists while I clenched my jaw with enough force to crush an anvil. Obviously I had known that Charlie wasn't my biggest fan, but throwing Jacob Black at Bella? Simply ridiculous.

_And dangerous, somehow_—although I couldn't give a logical basis for my feeling.

Thankfully, I knew that Bella would never turn to Jacob Black. I had surmised from the few times that Jacob and Bella had spoken that she looked upon Jacob more as a kid brother than as potential dating material.

But I also knew what Jacob thought of her. Loud and clear, unfortunately. His awkward admiration of her at the prom had annoyed me to no end. How could Jacob refer to Bella as merely "pretty"? In that beautiful blue dress that brought out the creaminess of her skin and the sparkle in her deep brown eyes that night, Bella had been simply stunning. "Pretty"? Pretty didn't come near to expressing the depth of her incredible beauty.

Bella had been a goddess that night.

As she was every night.

In addition, Jacob's concern for her when she was in the hospital during her illness was more than the worry of an old friend. He had a crush on Bella, and he thought (incorrectly, although he didn't know it) that his secret was safe, known only to himself.

I wasn't worried that Bella want to be with Jacob, but I felt a similar, perhaps even a greater level of jealousy toward him that I felt toward Mike Newton, Eric Yorkie, Tyler Crowley, and the other assorted boys who crushed on her at school.

While I knew very well that Bella loved me and me alone, I was also envious that these human boys, Jacob included, could give Bella what I couldn't: a safe human life, a life not endangered by bloodlust or by vampire strength that could crush her in a mere instant of distraction.

I had to concentrate with my whole being to avoid injuring or killing her when we embraced and kissed.

_I was not safe for her. _

_ I knew it. _

_ And she refused to believe it. _

It was a fine line we walked, one that she wouldn't have to worry about if she chose one of these human boys instead of me. She could have a perfectly normal life with Mike or Jacob., despite the fact that I would never, never stop loving this frail, beautiful, brave human girl.

But for some reason beyond my comprehension, she had chosen me and continued to choose me. And I was intensely grateful to whatever deity may exist that had given her into my keeping to love and protect.

_I did not deserve her trust or her love. _

Another vehicle approached the boundary, and this one I recognized at once: the familiar roar of Bella's well-worn truck. I focused on her as she drove down the highway toward La Push, and I could hear the fuzzy strains of some of her favorite alternative music emitting from her decrepit radio, which was almost as ancient as her truck. I smiled, thinking that a new stereo for her truck would be a perfect birthday gift. But I frowned as I recalled the promise she had extracted from me last week: no birthday gifts—or, if I had to give her _something_, it had to be homemade.

Hmmm...perhaps my brothers could give her a sound system for her sorry excuse for a vehicle since she wouldn't accept an expensive gift from me? Hmm. It just might work.

I focused on Bella again and smiled to myself when I saw her smile with gentle irony as she sang along, delightfully off-key, to the lyrics of Vampire Weekend on the radio. I smiled, too, almost laughing with the delightful irony of the band's name as their music crackled through her ancient speakers. As I watched closely, Bella's truck crept past the boundary line and into Quileute territory, disappearing down the curving highway.

Now that Bella was in La Push, I tuned my mind to try to catch Charlie's thoughts and was pleasantly surprised to locate his mind with relative ease. He was speaking with Billy, and although I couldn't hear all of their conversation, I was able to read their minds even from this distance. I grinned, thrilled that I could at least keep track of some of the happenings of the evenings to insure Bella's safety and protection.

For some reason, over the last few weeks I had begun to feel a bizarre sense of panic every time Bella and I were separated. I couldn't explain it, but the feeling seemed to be increasing in strength rather than decreasing. Perhaps this constant anxiety when I was away from Bella was a result of Alice's strange visions. In addition, I was quite aware that Alice was keeping something from me—probably more visions, or repetitions of her original vision of a separation between Bella and myself.

I pushed away the thought, unable to deal with the pain that such remembered visions brought. I couldn't exist without Bella—I knew that fact as well as I knew my own name. My life without her would be so meaningless, so empty. I would truly become the dead being that I was without Bella infusing life and joy into my bland, immortal existence.

But although I hated admitting it, I was aware of becoming strangely, increasingly, insistently anxious whenever I was away from Bella, so keeping track of her in this manner brought me a modicum of peace.

After all, she was in "enemy territory," treaty or no treaty.

I listened to the thoughts of those gathered in the tiny and cramped Black home, most of them jovial as befitted a late-summer barbecue among longtime friends. They consumed countless hamburgers and hot dogs, mounds of potato salad, bag after bag of chips, and gallons of soda, as someone noted in their thoughts. Apparently the Quileute boys in particular possessed incredible appetites.

I'm just glad that I was too far away to smell it all.

_Disgusting stuff._

The only minds familiar to me were those of Charlie, which was slightly muffled as usual, and Jacob, whose thoughts were all-too-clear. Unfortunately.

He was watching Bella as she chatted with a girl Jacob thought of as Leah, daughter of one of the Elders, although Bella seemed a little shy about talking with the older girl. But Bella was apparently determined to make an effort for Harry's sake, as Jacob noted.

As Jacob Black mentally remarked upon Bella's unselfishness, her need to make the people around her happy, even if just for a moment or two, I was forced to acknowledge that he knew Bella well—a thought that did not please me. I forced my mind to return to Bella's unselfishness, a quality that I adored about her, yet it also frustrated me that Bella seemed to think so little of herself; she always put her own needs and desires last.

Every single time. Without exception.

Watching her through Jacob's thoughts, I was stunned anew by Bella's unassuming beauty. The vast majority of attractive human girls knew very well how beautiful they were and how strongly they affected the males around them. Bella, however, truly had no idea how lovely she was. Reluctantly I agreed with Jacob's admiring thoughts as he noticed the sheen of her dark hair in the dim lamplight; the sparkle in her deep brown eyes, almost black in the weak lighting of the Blacks' home; the gentle smile playing across her lips; the gorgeous and womanly form of her all-too-tempting body.

Growling softly under my breath with my jaw tightly clenched, I acknowledged Jacob's thoughts about Bella's unconscious beauty as true—but that didn't mean that I had to like the fact that he was thinking such thoughts...especially when his mind was so focused upon my Bella. _My_ Bella.

Jacob watched as Bella laughed at something a younger boy said to her in passing, his thoughts deep with satisfaction at her obvious happiness. _She belongs here_, Jacob thought. _This is her family, her world._

I was totally unaware of my grasping a nearby tree branch and crushing it to sawdust in my grip until the small bits of wood floated past me on the fickle breeze. _How dare Jacob Black assume that Bella belonged here, with __him__?_

_**Please review? We're almost to the end... **_


	47. Chapter 47: The Argument

_**It's late in the weekend, but I did manage to update both stories this weekend after all. Yay! I hope you enjoy this chapter. :) I'm going to miss this story when it's finished. But it will almost definitely require more than fifty chapters to complete it...perhaps fifty-five?**_

**Chapter 47: The Argument**

_She belongs here_, Jacob thought. _This is her family, her world._

I was totally unaware of my grasping a nearby tree branch and crushing it to sawdust in my grip until the small bits of wood floated past me on the fickle breeze. _How dare Jacob Black assume that Bella belonged here, with __him__?_

As I struggled to swallow down my ire, I vacated Jacob's mind for a few moments, fighting for control. Instead, I allowed my mind to absorb the thoughts of the others within the Black home. As he chatted with Charlie and a man he thought of as Harry, Billy Black was also watching Bella nearly as closely as his son was, deeply concerned by her closeness with my family, especially with me. He thought of warning Charlie about our family, but in a vague way that wouldn't violate the treaty, of course. But he realized, too, that such a warning, while well-intentioned, could only bring stress and discord into Charlie and Bella's relationship. Billy knew Bella's stubborn streak well, recognizing that his interference would only drive her into my arms at this point. He shook his head, both concerned and saddened.

Although I appreciated Billy Black's desire to protect both Bella and Charlie, I couldn't help wincing at some of his thoughts about our family. He didn't trust us in the least, despite our "vegetarian" ways. And he was quite correct in his assumptions that even "tame" vampires such as our family can "slip up," bringing death upon unsuspecting humans at times when the urge to feed becomes too much.

After all, thankfully unknown to Billy Black, we had been forced to flee from several locations as a result of such slips. Most of these speedy flights had been caused by Jasper, but some had also been precipitated at times by Emmett and even once by Esme. In addition, Rosalie had forced us to leave Rochester after she had achieved her revenge upon the men who had violated her, even though she never fed on them. Alice, Carlisle, and I were the only ones who had never been the reason behind a sudden relocation resulting from a loss of control. A loss of life.

_Although on the first day I had met Bella, I had very nearly been the cause of just such a precipitate move._

I had rarely minded the immediate need to disappear that was an unavoidable part of our family's existence. Because I was the "loner" of the group, I kept to myself even more than my family members did, so I never had allowed humans to become familiar enough with me to warrant anyone caring that I had left. When Carlisle gave his reluctant orders for us to move again, I merely shrugged my shoulders, helped Esme spread the dust cloths over the furniture, and packed my personal items from my bedroom: my books, music collection, clothing. etc.

Besides, I also knew how very close I had come to causing such a relocation when I first met Bella...closer than I had ever come during my long existence to losing my tightly-reigned control completely and utterly.

The train of my thoughts was suddenly derailed by what was going through Jacob's mind as he spoke to Bella. I emitted an involuntary groan, for this situation was exactly what I had been most dreading this evening.

Now that he was Bella alone, Jacob Black's thoughts were a little ashamed and embarrassed as he gave her a tour of his minuscule bedroom, no larger than a closet really. However embarrassed Jacob may be at showing Bella his tiny room, he was also experiencing a strange high; he had been successful in separating her from the rest of the group, and, with any luck, he might gain a few moments totally alone with her.

Jacob noted Bella's easy smiles as he showed her the Quileute art hanging on his walls, and she pointed out one of his band posters, teasing him gently about liking The Who. He defended his choice of classic rock while she needled him about more modern groups, their banter resembling that of brother and sister.

I would have relaxed...if I couldn't read Jacob's mind and thus recognize the awkwardness underlying their seemingly casual conversation. Jacob was debating hinting about asking her out, even though she seemed fairly attached to me. He kept psyching himself in his thoughts...

_Bella's known me for ages. Since we were kids. She'll want to hang out with me. I mean, yeah, she's with that Cullen dude, but man—he's weird. So pale and...abnormal or something. And my dad is worried as hell about her hanging out with him, especially after she got hurt down in Phoenix. And as much as Dad over-reacts, there's something really strange about those Cullens. Those old stories are a bunch of bull, but man—there's something about those white dudes that puts me on edge like nothing or no one else. How can Bella want to be with someone so freaky? It just doesn't make sense. She's so pretty and normal and everything. _

_ But how to bring it up and not look stupid?_

While Jacob's thoughts scrambled about in his mind, he and Bella had stopped talking, an increasingly awkward silence building between them. Bella focused on her shoes, not looking at Jacob, and he watched her averted face anxiously, trying to man up and bring about the topic of their relationship...or lack thereof.

"Hey, Bella," Jacob started, clearing his throat and scuffing his sneaker against the worn wooden post of his bed, obviously uneasy.

_ "_Yeah?" she replied, still not looking up.

"Uh, yeah, um, you busy next Friday?" Jacob shifted his weight from one foot to the other, his nervousness increasing his awkwardness.

Bella's head jerked up, and she blushed a rosy pink as she searched Jacob's rapidly reddening features. Jacob noted with a falling feeling that her eyes were too kind, her voice too gentle as she replied quietly, "I think Edward and I have plans for Friday night, Jacob. I'm sorry."

_ Okay. Okay. She's letting me down easy. But she seems really sorry, though. Maybe she does want to go out with me after all. Maybe I'll try again, _Jacob encouraged himself.

"How about next Saturday then?" he persisted, obviously a glutton for punishment. I growled beneath my breath, wishing I could cross the line and teach this child a lesson.

Bella smiled gently, trying to be kind to her long-time friend. "I'm busy with Edward then, too. And every night, Jacob. We're together, you know. I'm sorry."

Embarrassed by her obvious kindness, Jacob's temper flared. "Why do you hang out with that freak, Bella? You're way better than him. Everyone knows how weird he is, how weird his whole family is. They won't even come to the beach—they're always hiding out. It's just too bizarre, Bella. They're just too..." His voice trailed off, tight with frustration.

Bella's brows rushed together, her own temper piqued as her usually soft voice rose in volume. "You don't know them, Jacob! You don't know anything about them! They're really nice people, all of the Cullens. And Edward—he's _amazing._" Her voice dropped to a near whisper, awestruck as she mentioned me.

Trying to cover his injured feelings at her impassioned defense, Jacob scoffed, "He's not good enough for you, Bella. You deserve someone like—"

"Like you?" she interrupted in a deadly voice. She folded her arms over her chest, her face flushing a deeper red in anger as she nailed him with a low blow, really low for someone as kind as Bella. "I don't think so, Jake. I don't date _children_. And if anything, _I_ don't deserve _him_."

Turning on her heel, Bella strode away angrily, leaving Jacob alone and bereft in his room. After speaking low words in an upset voice to Charlie, she quietly bid goodbye to Billy and the others gathered in the Blacks' living room then walked out to her truck. Wheeling to the open door, Billy watched her twist her key in the ignition and, with her jaw set, drive away. Charlie noticed the deep concern in Billy's eyes, the same worry I caught in the Quileute elder's thoughts.

But I rejoiced in knowing that Bella was on her way home now.

_Home to me_.

I dropped silently to the forest floor below my perch, riddled by two conflicting emotions. Part of me was anxious about Bella. It simply wasn't like her to be cruel—I didn't think she had it in her to taunt Jacob as she did. And part of me rejoiced with relief as she was now returning to me, having put Jacob Black in his place, once for all.

At times it was extremely difficult to cope with my gift, especially where Bella was concerned. She truly had no clue of the thoughts she engendered in the male minds of those around her, especially in our classmates. And Jacob Black, another teen boy, was no different.

But Bella's strong reaction needled at me. I debated approaching her about it, obviously in such a way that would not reveal my whereabouts, my listening-in on her evening. I just wanted to protect her, after all.

But Bella would not be pleased with the extent of my protection tonight. I recognized that fact well.

I moved noiselessly through the thick ferns and foliage to the roadside, ducking quickly behind an ancient pine just as Bella's truck rumbled across the Quileute border towards Forks.

My heart ached as I caught a glimpse of her as she drove past my hiding place. Her jaw remained as set as Billy had noted when she drove away from his house. Her face, usually pale, was a deathly white that struck a jolt of deep concern in me, and a single tear ran down her cheek. She wiped at it with her right palm, sucking in a deep breath, in an attempt to calm herself.

Her truck disappeared down the winding road, headlights brightening her way back to Forks. I waited where I stood, wanting to be certain that Charlie would not be far behind her. Sure enough, the cruiser barreled down the highway not five minutes after Bella passed me, Chief Swan's thoughts focused solely on her daughter's wild eyes when she left and on the scolding he had given Jacob for upsetting Bella before he left. His parting words had been directed at both Jacob and his father, warning them to leave Bella alone.

I breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that Bella would not be alone at home; Charlie would probably arrive in the driveway right behind her slow-moving vehicle, if he didn't catch up to her earlier. I wanted to be there for her too, but something told me that Bella needed a little time alone to calm down tonight before I arrived in her bedroom.

I would give her an hour.

Satisfied for the present with Bella's safety, I tuned my hearing back to the Black home, listening to Billy and Jacob's conversation with growing apprehension.

"Son, what did you say to Bella that upset her?" Billy asked. He was watching Jacob pace back and forth across his closet of a room, the clamor of their guests obscuring their conversation from the others' notice.

"I just asked her out. That's all," Jacob said, not meeting his father's glance. Billy watched silently from the doorway of Jacob's room, absorbing his frustrated mood.

Billy cleared his throat before asking, "I take it she said 'no.'"

Jacob laughed humorlessly. "You got that right."

"Then why was she so upset?"

"I don't know. Okay, Dad? Just drop it." Jacob stopped his pacing to stare out the night-blackened window, his back to his father.

"I don't think so, Son. Charlie is upset that Bella's upset, so I'd like to know what happened. All of it."

Jacob shot a sullen glare over his shoulder. "None of your business."

"Jake." Billy's softly-spoken word rebuked and cajoled simultaneously.

"Okay. I said some stuff about her 'boyfriend.'" Jacob's voice curled sarcastically around the final word.

"And that's what upset Bella?"

"Yeah. Guess so. But how she can date that..._freak_ is beyond me. Girls!" he huffed.

"I'm sorry, Jake."

"Yeah, yeah." Jacob continued looking out the window into the dark, his shoulders set, his voice trembling suspiciously.

"I'll give you a few moments, Son." Billy backed his wheelchair out of the doorway and twisted the wheels to turn himself back to their guests.

He barely heard Jacob's muttered "Whatever" before Jacob closed his door, muffling the celebratory sounds of the gathering continuing mere feet from his bedroom.

Jacob's mind was nearly blank. He kept replaying the scene between himself and Bella, regretting upsetting her while justifying his commentary regarding myself and my family. Billy's thoughts, however, revolved around our family and his severe concern for both Bella and Charlie. After watching her grow up over the years, Billy loved Bella nearly as much as he loved his own daughters, and his worry was growing as my relationship with Bella became more involved.

I really couldn't blame him.

I was concerned, too. I knew, as Billy knew, that Bella was not safe spending extended time with me and my family. But I continued to hope against hope that all would be well.

The sinking feeling in my heart told me otherwise.

_**Please let me know what you think, okay? You all are the BEST! :) Thank you for your support of **_**Evening Star.**

**-Cassandra :)**


	48. Chapter 48: Confessions and Explorations

_**Here's a nice long chapter for you—worth the wait, I hope! Enjoy, and please let me know what you think. I look forward to reading your comments! :)**_

**Chapter Forty-Eight: Confessions and Explorations**

Bella had been home from La Push for over an hour by the time I ghosted across her yard and through her open window. Her back to me, her shoulders hunched, she sat on her bed, cross-legged, earbuds in as she listened to Linkin Park on the iPod she had finally accepted from me.

Bella only listened to Linkin Park when she was upset, when she wanted to drown her thoughts.

This wasn't a good sign.

She hadn't noticed my presence yet, and I didn't alert her right away; instead, I seated myself soundlessly in her rocking chair. From this vantage point, with her back still to me, I could just glimpse her profile. As she listened to the loud, angry music, her hand crept up to scrub away another tear from her pale cheek.

I was no Jasper, but even I could sense her sorrow tonight. She must be regretting the harsh words she had spoken to Jacob. I had been more than a little surprised at her low blow regarding his age—she had called him a child, after all—and such cruel words in an unusually harsh tone were very unlike Bella.

Above all else, Bella wanted the people she loved to be happy, no matter the personal cost to herself. Her absolute, pure unselfishness was one of the many things I loved about her.

But I also recognized that her own well-being was at the bottom of her priorities. She cared for both of her parents as if she were the adult and they the children. Only seventeen, she cleaned their houses, shopped for and cooked their meals, even balanced their checkbooks so that they could spend their time doing the activities they enjoyed.

Bella also cared for her friends. She gently discouraged the persistent attentions of the male students of Forks High, dismissing her own charms as she seemed to puzzle over their crushes. Bella kindly skirted around Mike Newton's insistent flirting and endless requests for dates, not wanting to encourage him, yet she was simply too kind-hearted to discourage him permanently; she saw how crushing such a blow would be to his fragile ego. She was also perceptive enough to sense Jessica's hidden hypocrisy, yet Bella still treated her with the utmost kindness. Despite Lauren's barely-concealed malice, Bella still regarded her kindly as well. Bella's only truly worthy friend was Angela Weber, a friendship I encouraged as Angela's thoughts were among the kindest I had ever experienced. And Bella somehow ranked her wants and desires below each of her friends' needs; she was always there for them, no matter how some of them (i.e., the males) tried to take advantage of her kind heart. She always saw the best in everyone.

I sighed. Then there was Jacob, her friend from childhood. Why had she refused him so rudely tonight? It just wasn't like Bella to be deliberately unkind, even cruel. Such behavior was the antithesis of who she was.

We would have to talk about this tonight, but I had to be careful not to let on that I had followed her this evening in order to listen in on the happenings in the Black home. Although I was not the least bit ashamed of my stalker-like behavior as I had committed these acts in order to protect her, I also knew that Bella would not see this evening from my perspective.

As she wiped away yet another tear, I gently cleared my throat from my seat in her rocking chair, trying not to startle her. At the familiar sound, Bella spun around on her bed, wreaking havoc on her quilt and almost falling to the floor in her astonishment at my sudden and silent appearance. Breathing hard, she placed one delicate hand over her pounding heart, her mouth hanging slightly agape.

I was at her side immediately, causing her to gasp again as I pulled her gently to her feet and folded her into my arms. "I'm sorry if I startled you," I murmured in her ear.

"How long have you been sitting there?" she asked quietly, a gentleness to her words belied by her thumping heart and shaking hands.

"Long enough to wonder why you're so upset," I replied gently, pressing a kiss to her warm forehead. "Do you want to talk about it? I'm here, ready to listen to whatever is troubling you."

Bella wrapped her arms around my neck, rising on her tiptoes to press herself against me. She hummed in satisfaction, her warm cheek nestled against my silent chest, her mere presence kindling a glow within my long-dead heart. "Thank you," she whispered.

"For what?" I whispered in response.

"For being here for me. I don't de—"

She stopped speaking abruptly as my index finger pressed gently against her full lips. "Don't you dare complete that sentence, Isabella Swan," I said firmly. "And the situation is quite reversed; it is _I _who do not deserve _you_."

I removed my finger from her mouth with a warning in my eyes. Bella sighed. "Yeah, right," she mockingly agreed.

_When would she see herself as she truly is? Beautiful, intelligent, kind, loving, unselfish, talented, loyal, and perfect...the list could go on and on. Yet no matter how many times I told her these things, she never accepted their truth..._my_ truth. _

"Yes, I am right," I asserted quietly, glossing over her sarcasm. "You have saved me from who I was and have transformed me into what I am." I smiled down at her, my eyes filled with all the love I felt for this fragile, ethereal, maddening girl whose inability to accept her power over me frustrated me to no end.

_Would she ever realize how impossible it is for me to live without her? _I shuddered at the thought. Part of me knows all-too-well that my remaining with Bella was far from the best, far from the safest place for her to be. She deserved a beautiful, normal, human life, not a life in which she was in constant danger from the family of vampires whom she had adopted into her own heart as surely as they have adopted her into theirs. With the one exception of Rosalie, of course...

With a thick swallow, I attempted to ignore the heaviness in my heart at the thought of Bella's living a life without me, returning to the topic at hand.

"Anyway," I said, sitting down on her bed and drawing her onto my lap. "Do you want to talk about what's bothering you?"

Bella nuzzled her nose into the crook of my neck, inhaling my scent to calm herself. And sure enough, her heart rate began to slow, her breathing became more regular, and color returned to her beautiful face.

"No, I don't want to talk about it." Her refusal to share with me caused my stomach to plummet. She took another deep breath, though, and continued, "But I need to."

I hide my smile of relief as I kissed the top of her head, reveling in her trust and in her sweet strawberry scent. "I'm here for you," I repeated quietly.

"I know," she whispered. And the story came out haltingly, her face still hidden against my throat, her arms still tight around my neck. I rubbed her back gently as she told me of the argument with Jacob, confessing what he said, what she said, reporting it all exactly as I had heard it. When she stopped whispering, she gripped me around the neck more tightly, as if she were afraid that I would try to escape.

_Didn't she realize that I could never leave her? I was hers; she was mine. Nothing could separate us..._

But as the last thought crossed my mind, I knew it wasn't the truth. If she were in danger as a result of me, I would be forced to leave her, no matter how much doing so would tear me apart.

_Bella always came first. _

For several moments after she finished, I continued rubbing her back. She nestled against me, her ear against my silent heart, her arms around my torso.

The peace of this moment was beautiful. I hated to disrupt it, but I needed a few answers.

"Bella, love, may I ask you a question?"

I felt her silent nod of acquiescence, so I proceeded. "Why did you tell Jacob that you 'don't date children'? What did he do to make you lash out at him?"

Bella tensed in my arms despite my careful wording that refused to blame her for hurting Jacob. After all, I couldn't have picked up on Jacob's facial expressions or body language during their heated discussion as Bella's silent mind yielded me nothing. Perhaps he had _done_ something to anger her, rather than _saying _something. But I needed to understand Bella's very strong reaction, so unlike her. Yes, my love possessed a bit of temper, but there was not a cruel cell in her entire body.

She was silent for a long moment, and I began to despair of her answering my question. Finally, she sighed, then spoke in a low, strangely emotional tone as she let go of me and wrapped her arms around her own body, as if she were in pain.

"I couldn't let him say such horrible things about you, about your family. Just the way he sneered—his lip all curled up—as if you all are the most despicable things on earth. It made me really mad, Edward. I feel bad about it now, though. I shouldn't have talked to Jake like that; I shouldn't have said half the things I did. It's tearing at my insides—knowing I'm capable of hurting someone who is practically family."

I held her close, comforting her. She was defending my family, defending me, with her fierce loyalty. Now, that made sense. I breathed a small sigh of relief, relaxing as the explanation of her strong reaction became clear. Bella protected those she loved, rather like a mama bear shielding her cubs from all harm. Nevermind that my family is immortal, invincible, and powerful beyond measure; this tiny human girl came to our defense with no thought of her own safety, her own fragility. I tucked her more snugly against my chest as my dead heart expanded with the incredible love I possessed for Isabella Swan.

Although I knew that I was going to regret this next question for my sake, I wanted what was best for Bella. So I asked her softly, "Will you call him and apologize?"

Bella relaxed in my arms, her index finger tracing invisible patterns on my white forearm as she considered my query. "No," she answered, so softly that I wasn't certain she had spoken.

My eyebrows rose in surprise. Holding grudges was something of which Bella seemed incapable. She was so forgiving to so many who didn't deserve it. Despite the fact that I wasn't certain that Jacob did deserve Bella's apology, I knew that her refusal to forgive him would gnaw at her indefinitely. It was so unlike her.

Bella looked up at me, her red, swollen eyes hesitant. "No, I need to apologize to Jake in person."

As much as I tried to control my reaction, I could tell from her slightly hardened expression that she felt how I tensed at her words.

I didn't like her going out to La Push, not at all. Despite the fact that I could not accompany her to ensure her safety because of the treaty, something about the place made me extremely uneasy, as if danger lurked there. I couldn't fully explain it, but my first reaction to her going to La Push was one of trepidation, perhaps even fear, at the thought of Bella returning, alone, to face Jacob.

"Please, love, can't you invite him here?" I pleaded, trying to find a compromise that would allow Bella her face-to-face apology yet keep her safely on our side of the treaty lands.

"No, it's not fair to Jacob for me to deliberately insult him, then make him come here to accept my apology," she asserted. "I need to go there."

Bella wriggled out of my arms, and I reluctantly let her go. But when she started to put on her sneakers, I objected.

"Not tonight?" I asked, aghast.

"Yes, tonight," she said firmly, avoiding my gaze as she tied her laces.

"Bella, it's so late. Do you know what time it is?" I nearly begged as my eyes followed her across the room as she brushed her hair quickly as she prepared to leave. I cast about for any remotely logical reason for her to remain at home tonight, then asked, "Will Charlie want you taking out the truck at this time of night?"

I glanced toward her window, and was glad to discover another impediment to her leaving. "Love, look outside. It's terribly foggy out, and you won't be able to see properly; it's practically zero visibility."

Bella eyes flitted first to her bedside clock which read 11:30 PM, then to the window which was indeed silvered with low-hanging fog. She threw up her hands in frustration, sitting back down beside me. "Fine. You win," she grumbled. "I just hate feeling like this and making Jake feel bad, too."

"I know you do," I agreed as I drew her into my arms again. "You can always call tonight and invite him to lunch here tomorrow. Teen boys love to eat, after all."

Bella pulled back for a moment, tilting her head as she looked at me with the slightest expression of disbelief crossing her face. "Good idea. I know it's late, but I'll bet he's still up. I'll call now, say I'm sorry, and see if he can come to lunch tomorrow."

Leaning back, I pulled my cell from my pocket and handed it to her. Bella looked a little puzzled as she didn't really know how to work a complex phone like mine. I opened it, then dialed in the Black phone number which I knew from setting up meetings to discuss our return to the area a few years ago. The perfect recall of vampire memories definitely came in handy at times...

"Here," I said, handing her the phone. "Just press 'send' and it will connect you." Bella nodded, pressed the button, and put the phone to her ear. I was going to have to get her a cell phone of her own; we could talk so much easier via cell when we had to be apart..._if_ she would allow me to do so. She was so funny about accepting gifts of any sort.

Bella stood up and began pacing back and forth across her room as she waited for Billy or Jake to answer her call.

I could hear the ringing of the phone, and after the fourth ring, the Blacks' answering machine kicked in. "You've reached Billy and Jake. You know what to do, so do it. Or not." I couldn't resist rolling my eyes at Jake's rather rude message; it was so _him_. Bella suppressed a smile at my dramatic reaction. After the long beep, she began to babble in her nervousness.

"Hi Billy, Jake. Sorry to call so late. Jake, I'm really sorry about our fight tonight. It was all my fault. I don't want to just apologize over the phone, though. Will you come to lunch here tomorrow? Well, it will probably be tomorrow when you get this. I mean, come for lunch on Saturday. How about noon? I hope you'll come because I am really sorry, Jake. I hate it when we fight. So please come, okay? I promise to make something good. So come, please? Well, I guess I should go. Bye, I guess. Um...yeah. See you soon, Jake. Bye."

Bella clicked my phone shut and handed it back to me. I popped it into my shirt pocket, then drew her into my lap again.

"I'm proud of you," I murmured, placing open-mouthed kisses along her fragrant jugular. The scent was maddening, so delicious and sweet yet so intrinsically Bella that I felt only the slightest burn of thirst. Bella wrapped her arms around my neck, raising her face to mine.

And I came undone.

All the stress of this night tumbled through me, and I began kissing Bella in ways I hadn't kissed her in months. Every careful boundary line and rule that I had set up since our Seattle trip came crumbling down in utter ruins, just like the walls of Jericho.

Before I was conscious of the fact, Bella's head was on her pillow, and I was over her, my weight on my arms, my hands on either side of her head as my mouth attacked hers in a gentle but insistent invasion. Bella's hands ran up and down my taut forearms as she breathlessly returned my impassioned kisses. My body was beside hers on the bed, but it took the merest of movements to settle atop her carefully, not allowing her to suffer my entire weight. I was aroused by her proximity and by our position, and, as I lowered myself onto my elbows, not breaking our kisses, I smelled the intoxicating scent of Bella's aroused body as well.

My mind vaguely realized the danger I was subjecting Bella to, but my body and my heart refused to budge an inch away from my beloved girl. When Bella's breathing grew too labored, I lowered my mouth to her throat, kissing along it, then following the trail of kisses to her clavicle with my tongue. Her skin tasted so sweet; vague memories of summer peaches from my boyhood came to mind as I tasted her pale skin blushed the most beautiful pink, just for me.

My left hand moved to the front of her shirt, and I distracted Bella with kisses along her jawline, then beneath her ear. She moaned sweetly, and I felt myself harden further at the sound. What she did to me, it was so unfamiliar.

Yet so natural.

Yet so forbidden.

Yet so utterly, completely right.

I slowly freed one button of her shirt, then another, then another. My lips returned to hers, gently assaulting her sweetness as my icy tongue parted her swollen lips and invaded her warm mouth. Deliciously our tongues darted around each others' in a dance as old as the ages.

As Bella became breathless again, my lips moved aside to outline her jaw, then down the side of her white throat, then along her perfect clavicle. My hand tugged her unbuttoned shirt open, and her eyes, closed in pleasure, flew open as the cool night air touched her almost-bare chest and stomach. I kissed along her shoulder, tasting again her peach-sweetness, before following the pink strap of her bra down to the tops of her breasts above the scalloped lace.

We both moaned as my lips, then my hands explored the gentle swells, and Bella began unconsciously moving beneath me, seeking the friction we both hungered for. As I cupped her breasts in my hands, I murmured "Perfect" under my breath, and Bella smiled gently. I leaned down to kiss them again, whispering "So beautiful" as my mouth traveled the mysterious valley between them that led to the bottom edge of her bra.

Just as I began reaching behind Bella to unhook her brassiere, I heard a tentative step just outside her door.

Shit! I had forgotten all about Charlie who had fallen asleep in front of the television as the Mariners' game went into extra innings.

I hissed "Charlie" in an urgent whisper, and Bella's eyes flew open in shock. Her light was still on, so in the split second before Charlie started twisting her doorknob, I tossed back her quilt, tucked her into bed (shoes and all), and pulled her shirt, still unbuttoned, closed over her chest before tossing her bedclothes back over her. I pulled out her arms, anchoring them to her elbows on either side of her body, thus hiding her unbuttoned blouse, and thrust her bedside copy of _Wuthering Heights_ into her hands. Her bewildered eyes attempted to follow me as I whisked into her closet, silently pulling the door shut behind me just as her door began to open.

I heard Bella attempt to draw a calming breath as Charlie opened her door.

His mind was only slightly suspicious as he took in Bella, reading in bed the way he usually found her, although much later than usual. Not noting her flushed appearance, he grinned wryly at the all-too-familiar book in her hands and told her to go to sleep before wishing her goodnight, closing the door behind him.

I heard Bella's relieved sigh as I exited her closet and returned to her bed. But now I had myself very much under control, and I wasn't going to continue what we had started, no matter how desperately I wanted to...and no matter how hard I remained, despite Charlie's ill-timed interruption.

However, Bella's welcoming smile was a siren's call, and I couldn't resist at least kissing her goodnight, despite all the kissing that we had already experienced this evening...

_**I hope you enjoyed this loooooong chapter! We're in the home stretch of this story now as we begin to enter the world of **_**New Moon**. _**I'm not certain how many chapters it will take to get us to the end, so we'll see. **_

_**I so appreciate reviews as I haven't received very many for this fic. I have some very loyal fans who keep wondering why it's not reviewed more, but it's very popular on Wattpad at least, so I'm content to keep posting, reviews or not. But reviews are GOOD! So, please, please...make my day! :) **_

_**-Cassandra**_


	49. Chapter 49: Separation Anxiety

_**Welcome to Chapter 49! I can't believe that this little story, started almost a year ago, has reached nearly fifty chapters! Wow! **_

_**And, as always, thank you for reading! **_

**Chapter Forty-Nine: Separation Anxiety **

Bella slept in my arms, a tiny smile playing at the corners of her beautiful mouth; I couldn't help smiling, too. She looked so satisfied, so pleased that tonight she had broken through almost every rule we had carefully built.

She looked so...happy.

So why, despite her smiles and mine, was my heart sinking?

I felt my smile fade as a strange sense of anxiety sucked me into its vortex...again.

I knew that I should be ecstatic. I had touched Bella in wonderful, exciting ways this evening, and I had not hurt her; in fact, I had pleased her.

And I couldn't deny that I had been just as pleased and thrilled by the scope of our activities, far beyond what I had believed was possible...what I had believed was safe. The almost uncontrollable passion of this night illustrated more strongly than ever that Bella and I belonged together.

_Forever. _

But this intractable feeling of anxiety continued to hound me, nagging at the very darkest recesses of my mind. It had come over me a few times over the last week, and I had dismissed it, repressed it.

But there was no dismissing it now.

And I think I figured out the source of this uneasiness: Alice.

For a while now, I've had a sneaking suspicion that my sister is hiding something from me. Alice and I have always been close, but over the last few months, since the end of the school year actually, I have sensed a distancing between us. Although I was incredibly wrapped up in Bella who had become my entire world so completely over the course of this magical summer, I missed my sister's formerly constant presence. But now Alice rarely allowed herself be alone with me so that we could really talk, and whenever I tried to delve into her thoughts, her mind became suddenly preoccupied with Michael Kors' new fall line or a new pair of Jimmy Choos she just _had_ to obtain. And she would flit away from me, always with an excuse about going shopping with Rosalie or hunting with Jasper.

It was getting quite annoying.

And more than a little frightening.

What terrible vision was my sister hiding from me?

And thus the nagging feeling of unease never totally left me, even when I should be deliriously happy. I was in love with the most beautiful, the most engaging, the sweetest girl on the face of the planet. I must not allow this odd anxiety ruin my and Bella's happiness, especially as our wonderful summer drew to a close, our senior year looming ahead of us.

The final year of high school seemed to be a huge deal to most humans. Despite Bella's unimpressed attitude, I wanted to make this school year special for Bella's sake, even though I had experienced more senior years than I would care to count. I wanted to hold her, love her, experience every human milestone with her this year. I wanted to buy myself a class ring for the first time and present it to Bella on a delicate chain, even though the old-fashioned gesture originated in the 1950s. I wanted to take her to the senior prom (despite her objections and certainly without Jacob Black's presence this time), and sign her yearbook with kitchy words of love. I wanted to fill this year with beautiful human memories with her, memories that would sustain her long after she outgrew me and wanted a "real life."

This last thought brought my mind to a screeching halt. My smile faded, my eyes closed, and I convulsively pulled Bella closer to my silent heart, panic-stricken into absolute immobility.

I remained frozen, completely still, for over two hours. I don't remember a single conscious thought passing through my mind during that hellish time; I 'm not sure I even took a breath.

All I knew was sheer panic.

At last my eyes opened, roving over the familiar room until I noted the time in the greenish light of Bella's digital alarm clock: 2:14 AM.

With extreme care, I removed myself from Bella's grasp that held me tight even in her deepest levels of sleep, as she had every night for the past couple of weeks.

After sliding out of her warm bed, I paused, standing over her sleeping form, allowing the thoughts I had been repressing for the past weeks to at last pass through my mind.

Bella's chokehold on me each night seemed to indicate that she also knew a separation was coming, and that she was loathe to let go.

For now, anyway.

I'm sure her mind would change, that she would be more than ready to move on as she slowly and steadily outgrew me.

In only a couple of weeks, Bella will be turning eighteen, and then it would begin: the slow outdistancing of her life, separating day by day from mine with such miniscule changes that we would be able to deny it for the first few years.

Bella was already nervous about her birthday, dreading becoming older than I was. But I dreaded her birthday even more.

Because as she began her nineteenth year, Bella would begin to grow away from me, becoming more mature, more womanly, more _adult_.

And I am forever stuck at seventeen—legally a child, despite my century of walking this earth. Who would want to be tied to a child as she became the woman she was supposed to be? The woman she was designed to be?

Each thought, as it crossed my mind, stabbed my heart as surely as any knife would pierce a human's, the pain searing, double-bladed and deadly.

I swallowed hard, trying to regain control of my wayward thoughts. My eyes remained fixed upon the pale beauty sleeping so soundly before me, and I drank in her presence. Her scent, so lovely yet so tempting, caused my throat to burn with thirst, but I quickly sublimated the desire for her blood, always present yet controlled with the utmost care.

I loved Bella far too much to lose her to a loss of self-control in an unguarded moment.

I reached out my large, cold hand to cup her frail, beautiful face, my fingers trailing across her warm, responsive, softer-than-silk skin. Touching her was one of my greatest joys, one I never took for granted as I again controlled the power behind the monster I was, regulating my inhuman strength so that I could touch her with the utmost gentleness.

Bella sighed in her sleep at my touch, unconsciously tilting her face into my icy palm. A small smile graced her lips again, then parted as she breathed, "Edward."

My name on her lips—what unmerited grace! Even in her sleep, Bella recognized my touch, my presence.

I bent over my sleeping angel and brushed my lips over hers, making the barest of contact with her soft, warm mouth.

Then resolutely I straightened, took one long look at this beautiful, trusting, fragile, human girl who completely owned me, body and mind and heart (and, oh—how I wish I had a soul to offer her as well!), and turned away, disappearing out her open window and into the darkness—

Where I belonged.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Mere moments later I leapt the river and ghosted across the lawn leading to the back porch of our home. I slipped through the back door, noting the almost complete silence. No thoughts bombarded my mind as was usual when I returned home.

Part of me was relieved. And part was rather frustrated. I wanted to speak to my sister and finally get some real answers, no matter how chilling those answers may be.

I couldn't continue allowing this darkness to steal our light, our joy, any longer. It was best to know what I was dealing with, and then Bella and I could face it head on. Together.

The house was dark, as was usual at night since my family didn't need light in order to see. I flew up the two flights of stairs to my room on the third story, as far away from the rest of the house's occupants as possible, even though distance never really helped me shield myself from the nocturnal romantic activities occurring in the three bedrooms below mine.

Being the only virgin in a household of three perfectly-matched pairs of lovers for the past several decades was a frustrating circumstance in the extreme. Remaining with Bella every night produced an additional benefit in addition to the grace of her presence: the avoidance of the type of relationship that my family members enjoyed that I was not able to have with my own beloved...and most likely will never have with Bella, despite our common and nearly-irresistible desires.

After all, if we tried to be intimate while she was human, I could, and probably would, kill her. Obviously not an option.

So if we wanted to have intimate relations, Bella would have to become immortal; she would have to give up her human life, her family, her friends, and her precious soul, just to be with me. Also not an option.

_No matter how badly I wanted her to be mine...forever_.

But wanting her to become a vampire, just for my sake—_no_. I couldn't allow her to sacrifice everything of value, including her very life and soul, in order to remain with me.

I stood in front of the long glass wall of my room, staring across the majestic treetops and looming mountain ranges, not seeing any of it as my thoughts wandered.

After all, I daydreamed of such a thing almost constantly: Bella as an immortal, at my side for all eternity. _Together forever._

And with her immortality would of course come her invulnerability which would mean that intimacy would be possible.

More than possible, in fact.

It would be _incredible_.

As usual, when my thoughts wandered in this direction, as they did more and more often as of late, I found my body reacting...in a very impure way. Like any other seventeen-year-old male, in fact.

I refused to use the too-accurate and rude words of this century to express the...situation I found myself in far too often when I thought the uncontrolled, passionate intimacy that an immortal Bella and I would indulge in, over and over.

Again and again.

As my body continued to harden, I tried to distract myself, to turn my thoughts far from such imaginings of private moments of passion with Bella.

_Edward? Are you upstairs?_

The thoughts of my sister as she entered the house were especially welcome, not only because they helped me greatly with my not-so-little problem, but also because I had left Bella to see Alice in particular.

"In my room, Alice," I whispered, my mood quite different now than it had been mere seconds ago, thank goodness. Yet I knew that in seeking out my sister and prying into her visions, I may discover that which will change my life forever, bringing sorrow where there has been joy, grief where there has been happiness.

In the split-second it took Alice to speed up the stairs and enter my room, I recalled my sister's visions from the spring, just before school let out:

_I saw myself in the Volvo, driving alone across an autumn landscape, my jaw set in what could only be pain, my eyes emptied of all emotion. I saw us, all of our family—with the exception of Bella—in Denali. I saw my face, iced over in sadness, in grief. I saw myself seated, my head in my hands, on a sofa in Tanya's spacious living room, Esme attempting to comfort me, her arm around my shoulders as I choked out tearless sobs. I saw Alice's face watching Esme's futile attempt to console me, my sister's eyes looking almost liquid with tears she couldn't produce or shed to relieve her pain—the pain we shared. I saw myself running, over and over again, through the autumn-colored forests surrounding Denali, my eyes grief-stricken, as if seeking some relief from great pain. Bella was nowhere in any of these flashes. _

And then there were Alice's visions from earlier in the summer; as my memory recalled them in perfect detail, my heart wrenched in a strangely pain-like manner, despite the fact that physical pain was a near-impossibility for me:

_Bella, lost in the woods at night, calling my name in breathless sobs, something large and dark trailing her every move..._

_ Bella curled up on her bed in her room, her eyes blank and empty, her face catatonic with grief, as Charlie, sitting on the edge of her bed, tried to talk to her, his hand on her shoulder..._

_ Bella sitting in her truck which was stopped in the middle of a residential street in Forks, sobbing, her arms wrapped around her chest, banging her forehead against the steering wheel, her face paler, thinner than it was now, and twisted in unspeakable pain..._

_ Bella preparing to jump from a cliff into the roiling sea below, her face strangely peaceful, a slight smile curving her lips—then she jumped, screaming until she disappeared beneath the crashing waves..._

_ Myself on a street in a strange place—it looked like Rio—my face crumpled in terrifying agony as I threw a cell phone into a trash can, then walked on, my movements automatic, almost those of a sleepwalker..._

_ Myself, writhing in torturous pain on a stone floor in a castle-like turret, unable to scream..._

_ Bella curled in my lap in Charlie's kitchen, her hands on my face as she leaned upward to kiss me gently... _

_ Myself holding Bella close in this very room while we both admired my mother's diamond engagement ring sparkling on Bella's left hand..._

_ Bella, absolutely breathtaking in a white wedding dress, blushing a beautiful, deep rose color as she walked down the stairs of our home on Charlie's arm, garlands of white flowers dripping from every surface of our home as I waited below, at Carlisle's side, my face aglow with joy and triumph..._

_ Bella and I waist-deep in a warm sea, both of our bodies silver in the moonlight as she placed one hand over my heart and whispered, "We belong together..."_

_ Myself sitting on the floor of a bedroom with a large white bed, my eyes glassy with shock and fear while Bella spoke into my cell phone, the sound of waves crashing on a nearby beach..._

_ Bella, bloody and mangled, on her back atop a brightly-lit operating table in Carlisle's library, her face blue and staring as I did CPR, forcing her heart to beat against its will, my face extremely focused in single-minded determination..._

_ Bella's face, now white, pale, cold, eternal—her eyes a bright crimson as she crouched in a corner of Carlisle's library, defensive yet perfect—her face even more lovely than it is now, if such a thing were possible..._

By the time Alice reached my side, I had crumpled to the carpet, weak as any human. Weaker, perhaps.

"Edward! What is it?" Alice knelt beside me, wrapping her tiny arms around my shuddering frame.

I couldn't speak.

I don't know how long we stayed on the floor of my bedroom together, myself shaking uncontrollably, my sister attempting to comfort me, whispering nonsense words in her soothing voice as she held me.

As dawn lightened the sky, the clouds turning gray, then rosebud pink, then a blooming fuchsia as the sun rose, I slowly pulled the shattered forces of my mind and heart together, but Alice's arms refused to let me go. And I didn't possess the strength to struggle against her.

Finally, as the sun peeked over the horizon, dimmed by the flare of cirrus clouds spread across the eastern sky like mare's tails, I turned to my sister.

Her eyes contracted in shock as she noted the depth of suffering in my expression as I choked out whispered words in a voice that I did not recognize as my own.

"I'm going to lose her, Alice. Aren't I?"

_**We're nearing the end of the story, my friends. Please do drop me a review and let me know what you thought of this chapter, and about the story as a whole. We're definitely on the cusp of entering **_**New Moon, **_**and I'm mulling around ideas of how to approach the material from EPOV without just repeating Stephenie's dialogue. **_

_**So please, let me know what you think, okay? Love to you all! **_

_**-Cassandra :)**_


	50. Chapter 50: The First Day of School

_**Here's Chapter 50—I can't believe I've written fifty chapters for this story over the past eleven months! Wow... **_

**Chapter Fifty: The First Day of School**

On this gray September morning, I leaned against the Volvo in the Forks High student parking lot, waiting anxiously for the grinding growl of Bella's truck to greet my ears. Today marks the first day of Bella's senior year of high school; I refused to consider how many senior years I had spent in far too many small towns and big cities over the last century. My excitement stemmed not from yet another dull year of high school but from the beautiful girl who would soon be holding my hand as we began this school year together.

If only Charlie had been more understanding about allowing me to drive Bella to school. But last night he had put his foot down when he overheard Bella asking me about the time I would be picking her up in the morning. He had stormed about he hadn't bought her a vehicle just to let it rust away in the driveway and that he expected her to drive it to and from school and work during the entire school year. Bella had half-heartedly attempted to argue with her father, but I had shaken my head at her, silently asking her to stop. Charlie was unmovable in his stance, and I reluctantly agreed to meet her in the parking lot this morning.

But as I had left to "go home" last night, I winked at Bella, and she grinned back. Little did Charlie know that Bella and I had every class save one together this year, thanks to my casual visit to the school office earlier in the summer. Bella had been ecstatic when we had compared the school schedules which arrived in last week's mail; only our last class of the day-mathematics-was different. Bella had groaned at the idea of studying Calculus I (while I was stuck in Calculus II), but she brightened considerably when I offered to tutor her.

Charlie couldn't very well argue with that activity, and Bella and I would have more time together in the evenings, even if it was just teaching her the finer points of higher mathematics. But any time spent in her sweet presence, no matter the activity, was a positive in my book. And what Charlie didn't know wouldn't hurt him.

As we waited, Alice began bouncing up and down next to me as we both detected the familiar groaning of the ancient engine of Bella's truck. She was almost here. Although I kept my composure better than my sister, I was nearly as excited as Alice this morning. While Bella and I would be in school, at least we'd be together this year more than we were over the summer due to her work at Newton's, even allowing for her stay with us during her recuperation from her illness. I was hoping that with the busy summer season over, the Newtons might let Bella go as an employee, thus leaving her more free time to be spent with me.

Bella knew that I wasn't crazy about her part-time job at Newton's Olympic Outfitters, so she didn't talk much about her work when she was in my presence. There were definitely better topics of conversation for us to enjoy than her working with Mike Newton, and we were both loathe to start an argument that seemed to have no possible resolution. Bella stubbornly refused to allow me to pay her summer expenses, nor would she let me start a college fund for her. And I did not want my already limited time with Bella interrupted, especially by someone with a huge crush on her (and a decided lack of boundaries) such as Mike Newton.

I let out the breath I was unconsciously holding with a sigh, and Alice gave me a teasing sideways glance. She knew all-too-well about mine and Bella's differing opinions regarding her work schedule. And my sister was kind enough to start chattering at me to distract my attention from the frustrating subject.

"Bella will look adorable in the floral dress I took to her yesterday," Alice enthused. "It's just right for her: simple yet elegant, and I even provided silver metallic flats for her to wear with it. Metallics are the new shoe fashion for fall, you know. Even Bella can't complain about flats—they're practically sneakers! Of course, the dress would look soooo amazing on her with a low kitten heel—Prada makes the loveliest pair in the perfect shade of deep red—but I know her too well. Now, if _I_ were wearing the dress, I would want four-inch stilettos—Kate Spade's Greats in Amethyst would be perfect!—but we know that Bella would probably trip and injure herself, and perhaps possibly even impale Mike Newton!"

"Sounds good to me," I muttered as Mike's Suburban entered the parking lot. According to Bella, Mike and Jessica had broken up last week, and although Bella hadn't said anything, the increased annoyance in her expressive eyes after work told me that Mike was back to pursuing my girl again, despite the fact that she discouraged him at every opportunity.

Perhaps I should involve Emmett and Jasper in teaching Newton a little lesson? Smiling slyly, I amused myself for a moment with imagining all the fun we could have at Newton's expense before we laid down the law about his leaving Bella alone. Emmett could definitely provide some creative ideas to that end...

"...so she'd better be wearing the matching silver headband I bought to go with her dress, too. I mean, I had to look _everywhere_ to find something that would both match perfectly and was comfortable enough for Bella. Why that girl insists so strongly on comfort is beyond me. Fashion requires sacrifice, you know, and..."

Alice spun to look at me, despite the fact that Bella's truck put-putted its way into the parking lot at that moment. "Everyone thinks that Jazz and Emmett are across the country at Dartmouth, so you can't let them help you with Mike. On the other hand, _I_ would be more than happy to assist, however..."

My mind was immediately distracted from my sister's diabolical plans for Mike Newton when Bella's warm chocolate eyes met mine as she steered the truck across the lot, parking it beside my Volvo.

I barely noted Alice's groan of disappointment as I flashed around the back of Bella's truck to open the door for her. Offering her my hand, I helped Bella down to the ground, my eyes lost in hers for that magical moment of reunion that we both savored after being parted, even for a mere hour or two.

Alice was beside us immediately, her eyes downcast. _Why__didn't__Bella__wear__the__dress?__It__was__the__perfect__first-day-of-school__statement:__not__too__frilly__but__feminine__and__lovely.__It__made__her__waist__look__so__tiny,__and__the__colors__were__so__beautiful__against__her__skin.__And__I__know__you__loved__it,__Edward.__I__just__don't__understand__why__she__refuses__to__let__me__help__her.__I__just__don't__understand__why__she__thwarts__me__at__every__turn__when__it__comes__to__fashion,__and__I..._

Nudging past Bella, I leaned into the cab of the truck, grasping her bookbag from the seat and slinging it over my shoulder along with my own bag without breaking our handclasp. Bella slammed the door of her truck then conscientiously locked it one-handed before turning toward Alice.

"Hey Alice," she greeted my sister tentatively, and I noticed the slightly sheepish expression in her large brown eyes. "Did you and Jazz have a good hunt last night?"

My sister gave Bella her best sad, injured, pouty look, and Bella cringed. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Alice! I just hate wearing dresses to school! You know I prefer jeans..." Bella trailed off, motioning to her well-worn jeans and deep green button-down shirt—also a gift from my sister—which skimmed her slender figure perfectly.

"I love what you're wearing, Bella," I assured her, glaring at Alice for trying to guilt-trip my girl. "You look beautiful...as always."

Bella blushed at my words, casting her eyes to her sneakers. "Um, time for class?" she said, trying to change the subject while also avoiding Alice's sad eyes—which mercilessly glared at me behind Bella's back as we three walked across the lot. Alice tossed her head with a final glare at me as we parted ways, Alice continuing to her first class alone, thinking, _Bella__could__have__at__least__worn__the__flats__and__matching__headband__—__they__would__look__fine__with__jeans,__too.__Much__better__than__those__cheap__canvas__sneakers__from__WalMart.__I__have__so__much__to__teach__that__girl...and__Edward__taking__her__side!__Of__course!__My__dear__brother__is__going__to__need__to__watch__his__back__where__I__am__concerned.__I__can__only__be__pushed__so__far..._

But with Bella's fragile hand in mine, I could easily and happily ignore my sister's intrusive thoughts and her plotting of revenge upon me for taking Bella's side in their never-ending fashion struggles.

I smiled down at her as we walked. Bella truly had no idea of her beauty or of the attraction she evoked in so many of the male students. I tried to ignore the volley of admiring and downright lustful thoughts that hit us as we rounded the building on our way to our English class. Of course, Mike's thoughts were the most detailed and offensive; he was going to be fortunate to survive the first week of school if he continued with such thoughts of my Bella. I tried to ignore his vile words, but couldn't as they assaulted me once again:

_Man,__Bella__is__looking__FINE__today.__Her__ass__in__those__jeans__—__wow.__And__that__top__—__it__really__shows__off__her__rack.__If__only__Cullen__was__out__of__the__picture.__I__was__really__hoping__that__working__with__Bella__this__summer__would__make__her__see__how__great__I__am,__but__she's__still__stuck__on__Cullen.__Must__be__his__money__and__looks__—__he's__a__hard__pisser__to__beat..._

I gave Mike a truly vampiric glare as we passed him on our way to class, smugly registering the real fear in his thoughts as he subconsciously took a step backward, away from us as we passed.

That's more like it.

Bella looked up at me as we entered the classroom, asking wordlessly where we should sit, and I indicated the back row of desks. Our hands still clasped, I allowed Bella to lead us to the last chairs in the center two rows, and we slid into our seats, at last (and to my chagrin) breaking our mutual touch.

I couldn't help sighing as I withdrew a notebook and pen from my bookbag in preparation for class. I was able to keep my composure as long as I was near Bella, preferably touching her somehow. But when her lovely scent was no longer torturing me, when my eyes could no longer drink in her beauty, and especially when her warm touch no longer calmed me, I reverted to the nervous wreck I had been for the past two weeks when once again I was confronted with Alice's visions.

Alice had held me for hours that night, the two of us who loved Bella most wrapped around each other as we struggled with the constant visions Alice kept seeing of a separation between Bella and myself—between Bella and our entire family. Alice and I tried to console the other, but we both felt such sadness that it had taken Jasper using his gift to bring us any sense of peace that night, and only with prolonged and concentrated effort on his part.

We had to change these visions.

I just didn't know how.

But we had an idea of the timing. The autumn landscape featured in some of Alice's visions alerted us that our time was short and becoming shorter every day. I felt some small consolation in being able to somewhat reassure my sister who had borne the burden of her visions all summer, not wanting to ruin the joy of first love for me or for Bella. Jasper, of course, had known her feelings and had helped her as much as he could, but it took someone who loved Bella even more dearly than she did, namely myself, to truly bring Alice a fragile sense of peace.

But it was an extremely tenuous peace for both Alice and myself, and we tried not to hover over Bella too much as Alice constantly scanned the future and despite my sister's recent purchases to add to Bella's scanty wardrobe. Alice's shopping for Bella had become more and more out-of-hand, but shopping for her best friend was one activity that calmed my sister, so I said little, despite Bella's quiet rebellion in refusing to wear the vast majority of Alice's selections...

"Edward!" Bella's insistent hiss intruded on my less-than-pleasant mental meanderings, and I sat up straight in my seat. Immediately I realized that Mr. Berty, the senior English teacher, was calling roll and I hadn't responded to my name.

"Here," I spoke quietly, smiling slightly at him as I raised my hand.

The teacher looked at me quizzically as thoughts ran through his mind: _I've__never__had__to__call__on__a__Cullen__more__than__once__before,__not__even__that__huge__one__in__my__classes__last__year.__Elliott,__I__think__his__name__was?__Anyway,__perhaps__this__Cullen__will__be__less__than__perfect,__for__once.__Last__year__I__kept__feeling__like__they__knew__far__more__than__they__were__letting__on.__Perfect__scores__on__every__test,__too.__But__that__Rosalie__was__quite__the__looker..._

I rapidly shut out Mr. Berty's thoughts as they turned to my beautiful sister who graduated last June along with Emmett and Jasper. Mr. Berty proceeded down the list, calling names and noting our seats on his chart, an easy method for human teachers to recall their students' names.

If only our teachers had the perfect memory recall that we vampires possessed...

But really, they, and all humans, should be thankful that their memories were so sieve-like. I possessed many perfectly-clear memories that I would joyfully forget: the murders of so many humans during my vigilante days, Bella's injuries and her pain in that ballet studio, the interminable days of her painful recovery in the Phoenix hospital, Bella's near-death this summer from the sudden fever that had almost taken her from me once again, Alice's most recent visions...

There was so much that I wanted to forget, yet so much that I wanted to remember, all of those memories centered around the beautiful human girl sitting beside me in this dull and repetitive English class.

Eric Yorkie, seated in front of me, passed an inexpensive Signet paperback over his shoulder to me as Tyler Crowley, sitting in front of Bella, handed a copy of the same book to her. I mentally groaned...

We would be starting the year off with _Romeo__and__Juliet_. Lovely.

I glanced at Bella beside me, and her expression was strangely reverent as she touched the cover art of the cheap book. She smiled to herself, seemingly amused, then glanced quickly at me, blushing a deep red when she saw that my eyes were fixed upon her.

Mr. Berty started his lecture on Shakespeare's life and times, Bella taking comprehensive notes while I sat back, puzzled by Bella's reaction to the book and somehow troubled.

I had the strangest feeling that as much as I despised the Bard's tale of "star-crossed lovers," _Romeo__and__Juliet_ would figure prominently in our future...

And not in a good way.

_**I apologize for not posting last week. I was sick and spent an entire week in bed, trying to recover. I'm hoping that I can return to a normal school day tomorrow and be able to catch up with all that's piled up for me to do over the last week. **_

_**Please REVIEW! I would LOVE to have more reviews, especially as this story draws to a close soon...**_

_**-Cassandra :) **_


	51. Chapter 51: Midnight Musings

**_A/N:__I'm__not__starting__a__debate__on__Christian__doctrines,__but__I__do__want__to__note__that__some__of__Edward's__musings__in__this__chapter__are__not__consistent__with__the__Christian__beliefs__on__redemption.__Edward__does__not__consider__ "__joining__Bella__in__the__afterlife__" __(i.e.,__suicide)__as__deserving__of__hell__as__he__plots__ways__to__join__Bella__in__the__afterlife__—__which__is__consistent__in__his__beliefs__expressed__in_New Moon_as__well.__(I__don't__necessarily__believe__that__suicides__go__to__hell__either__—__that's__up__to__God,__not__be,__thankfully!)__As__a__Christian__myself,__I__just__want__to__point__out__Edward's__inconsistencies__as__I__see__them__since__none__of__us__can__ "__deserve__" __heaven.__It's__all__grace.__:)_**

**Chapter Fifty-One: Midnight Musings**

Bella had fallen asleep in my arms precisely ninety-six minutes ago. We lay on her small bed, the window open to catch the mid-September breeze after the heat of the day. The past weekend had been unusually warm with temperatures in the low eighties during the day. With the weather uncharacteristically sunny, my time outside of my family's home has been terribly limited. I have only been able to leave the house to see Bella during the evening hours after sunset. Fortunately, as this sunny period had struck over the weekend, Bella was able to spend much of my restricted time with me. Although she had worked at Newton's most of Saturday, yesterday we spent several hours in our meadow.

A smile spread across my face as I recalled our time together. Bella still seemed so in awe of my appearance in the sunshine, and the sincerity and loveliness of her admiration often makes me forget the monster I am under the skin-deep beauty...for a few moments, at least. As we laid on a blanket in the center of the meadow, Bella nestled close to me as we exchanged chaste kisses...well, mostly chaste kisses. She enjoyed testing my boundaries, and, although I would never admit it to her, I often enjoyed it just as much as she did. Until I had to pull back and stop her, that is. But even her pout was endearing.

However, I had definitely missed spending today with her in school. The unrelenting sunshine forced me to remain out of sight, but Bella's draw upon me was too strong to be denied, especially with Alice's visions of an impending separation continually in the back of my mind. Thus I returned to my "stalkerish" behavior of last spring when I spied on Bella during the sunny days when I could not be seen in public.

Due to my absence from school today, I was not surprised to see Mike Newton at Bella's side in my place. Would he continue to take my place if Bella and I were separated? Bella's expression of supreme annoyance at his puppy-dog devotion throughout the day brought me more than a little satisfaction, but Newton didn't seem to take the hint...or several hints. His mind revolved around Bella constantly, and not all of his thoughts consisted of crude observations of her appearance...which somehow annoyed me more than his usual crass attitude.

As I monitored his thoughts during lunch, I was dismayed to note his real admiration of Bella's beauty as she threw her head back, laughing at something Ben had said to Angela. With Bella's cheeks glowing, her eyes bright, her smile sparkling, Mike's thoughts were beyond annoying as he noted her loveliness with a true sincerity of heart of which I had previously considered him incapable.

If I was forced to leave Bella for some reason which Alice's visions had yet to reveal, I was certain that Newton would be ecstatic and more than willing to take my place.

Part of me realized that Bella would be far safer with Newton or another human, rather than with myself and my vampire family. We were a constant source of danger to her, so I tried to convince myself that I should be pleased that she would be safer in Newton's keeping.

Of course she would be. Even though it would quite literally destroy me to let her go, I would do so to keep her safe. Her happiness and safety were more important to me than anything else in the world.

Even my own happiness and safety.

I mentally shrugged my shoulders. _That's__love,__I__guess..._

Deeply asleep but somehow sensing my tenseness as these thoughts flitted through my mind, Bella stirred in my arms, burrowing her head more deeply into the hollow between my neck and my shoulder. I drew her closer to my icy chest, to my silent heart which now belonged exclusively to this beautiful, fragile, human girl.

A green flash of light in the corner of my eye caught my attention, and I twisted my head slightly to determine its origin.

Bella's alarm clock, lit with a strange green light, had just turned to 12:00.

Officially midnight.

Officially September 13th.

Officially Bella's eighteenth birthday.

Officially Bella was older than myself.

Officially Bella was an adult.

While I remained seventeen, still a child despite my century of walking upon this earth.

My heart clenched so hard that I drew a pained breath between my gritted teeth, but the fresh air brought no relief from the agony gripping me. I swallowed hard as I twisted my head on the pillow so that I could watch part of Bella's face as she slept so peacefully in my arms.

_How__long__will__our__love__last?_

_ How long will she still want me?_

Despite Bella's irrational fears regarding her birthday, despite her dread of becoming older than I, our love was nearly perfect. Every time I peered into her soulful eyes, I could and did recognize how deeply she loves me.

But Bella is only human, and if there was one thing I have learned from reading the human mind for nearly a century, it was this: _humans__changed__their__minds._ All the time.

A girl may love her boy "forever"...yet she breaks up with him over concert tickets or a party-gone-bad. A boy adores his girl...until a prettier and thinner one comes along, and he drops his "beloved" like the proverbial hot potato to pursue his new flame.

All it took was one bad event, one slip-up, one wrong word at the wrong time, and the human concept of "eternal love" was destroyed. Especially among teens.

Although I could not read Bella's mind, I knew too well that she was no ordinary human teenager. Her complete acceptance and lack of fear of our family was evidence enough to demonstrate how extraordinary, how wise and perceptive my Bella is for her young years.

But could even extraordinary and wise humans love _eternally_? Indeed, some humans remained married for sixty, even seventy years. But then, they were _both_ humans; they grew old _together_.

_ Bella and I could not grow old together. _

And if she remained with me throughout the next fifty or sixty years, she would grow and mature, time ripening her body and her mind. Although in my eyes, Bella was now perfect in her beauty, I knew that she would only become more lovely as she became the beautiful woman she was meant to be.

_How__soon__she__would__outgrow__a__perpetual__seventeen-year-old!_

I was not able to grow and mature with her.

And there was so much that I couldn't give her even if she wanted to remain with me throughout her human life.

If she stayed with me throughout her human life, Bella would never be a mother. Although she had no desire now for motherhood, mostly because she had mothered her own parents throughout her own childhood, she could definitely change her mind in ten years or so. And then she would hate me for taking away her chance at motherhood, just as Rosalie resented Carlisle for changing her when she desired children more than _anything_.

More than this eternal life.

More than eternal love with Emmett.

I could not bear the thought of Bella resenting me...for any reason. Her resentment and my resulting guilt would tear us apart.

I wanted to give Bella the world—the moon—the sun—the stars—the universe. But if she remained with me, she would be giving up rather integral elements of a "normal human life."

Children.

A partner who would grow and mature with her.

A stable home, for we moved every five years or so.

And safety, for living in a family of vampires could not remain hazard-free. With Bella's propensity for accidents, she would undoubtedly cause herself to bleed at one time or another, and my family would have a difficult time retraining themselves, especially Jasper as he struggled with control more than the others did. Bella truly was an accident-waiting-to-happen.

I simply couldn't bear it if she was injured because of her intimacy with my family. Such an incident was my greatest fear, my "worst case scenario."

As the minutes and hours of night inched toward the light of dawn, I held Bella yet closer to me. Even without Alice's visions, I could not shake a feeling of impending doom. I knew that something was going to go terribly, horribly wrong very soon. I couldn't explain it. But the heaviness of my heart and the ever-present anxiety of my mind could not be dismissed.

Bella sighed in her sleep, her eye movements rapid under her lavender eyelids. She was dreaming.

She moved restlessly, flopping onto her back beside me. I slid my arm out from under her neck, propping myself upon my elbow, my head in my hand as I watched Bella dream. A slight smile crossed her lips first, and I couldn't help smile, too, fascinated by this lovely girl who owned me, heart, mind, and soul.

I froze at the errant thought. "_Soul_"? How could I believe that Bella owned my _soul_ if I didn't possess one, a by-product of the three days of burning that transformed me from a human boy to a monster from hell? A perpetual murderer?

But somehow Bella's love was transforming me—bringing to the surface the forgotten human elements of my make-up: the human behaviors, the human thinking processes, the human emotions, especially the very human feelings of joy and deep, abiding love.

In fact, she wasn't _changing_ me; Bella had _changed_ me. Already. It was done.

But did this change, this love, miraculously restore my lost soul? Could I believe that?

My mind spun with the possibilities. If I now possessed a soul, would I lose it again if I changed Bella to a vampire? Would she lose her soul, then, too?

Or now, as we are presently, she a warm human and I more human-like with a restored soul, have we both gained the possibility of eternity in a different way than was normal with my kind?

I was positive that Bella's beautiful soul must have a place in heaven.

So did my soul possess such a place in heaven as well?

Would we love eternally in heaven if I refrained from changing her?

I felt a sudden joy infuse me, warming my icy heart—almost as if I were melting from the inside outward.

We could remain human (or human-_like_) together...forever. And I wouldn't have to risk either of our souls to do so. We could live out the years of her human life, and, as soon as she left this world, I would leave, too. Right behind her. And Bella and I would have eternity together in heaven.

I looked down again at the beautiful girl whom I loved with all my being, watching different expression flit over her face as she dreamed.

Her lovely lips parted as she spoke softly, "Edward."

Leaning over her, I kissed her warm forehead. "Yes, love?" I whispered.

Bella's brow creased—she seemed worried, anxious. Then she spoke more loudly, as if in warning, "No, no—stay away! She can't see you!"

I sat up straight on her bed, now deeply concerned as I watched her with hawk-like eyes, noting every expression that flitted across her lovely face. Bella moved restlessly again, turning onto her side, away from me so that I could not see her face. Her hand moved in front of her as if she were pointing straight ahead or touching something, and then she gasped, her entire body tensing in apparent shock or pain.

Flashing around the bed to kneel on the floor before her, I urgently whispered, "What is it, Bella? What's wrong, sweetheart? It's only a dream, love. It's not real." More than anything I wanted to scoop her into my arms, but with her dream being so realistic to her, I was concerned about frightening her if she awoke suddenly.

"It's me," she moaned, and tears began to slip from beneath her closed lids. "Oh, God—it's me," she repeated, and the pain behind the words she spoke seared my heart. It felt like a steel fist grabbed my heart, squeezing every bit of joy from my being.

_Her__pain__was__my__pain._

_ Her life was my life. _

As the gray light of an overcast dawn in Forks lit her windows, I held my breath as Bella's pain rocked through me. The corners of my eyes burned with tears I was incapable of shedding as I watched her tears continue to trickle down her lovely face, now taut with anguish.

She was dreaming about me, and she was suffering.

_Was__my__presence__in__her__life__hurting__her__somehow?__What__could__I__do__to__stop__her__pain?_

She reached for me, and I backed away from her touch, not wanting to worsen the situation.

"No, no, no," she groaned. "You can't love me like this, Edward. I know you can't..." As her voice faded to a whisper, I realized that I was now out of her reach, my back now against the wall beneath her open window.

_I__couldn't__love__her__like__what__?_

If there was one fact I knew above all others in the course my abnormally-long life, it was this: _I__would__always__love__Bella__Swan__with__every__atom__of__my__eternal__body._

_ And nothing, nothing, could ever change that fact._

But Bella apparently thought differently. She did not understand my love for her, an eternal love not based on her appearance but seared into my very heart, mind, and soul.

Yes. My _soul_.

Because now that I knew that I did indeed possess a soul—that it had been miraculously restored by Bella's love—there was no way I was going to destroy hers. No, I could never destroy her beautiful, loving, perfect soul.

We would have eternity together in heaven, and I would fight my damnedest to make this dream a reality.

But if Bella didn't want me that way, I would have to live my life loving her despite the impermanence of her love. I could only hope that as my soul met her soul in heaven, she could love me again then.

My emotions were a strange combination of joy—my soul was intact because of the love of this beautiful woman—and sorrow that she did not love me with the same sense of forever. But she was indeed human, and humans hearts could and did change...

_But__I__would__never__change._

And I would never change her into what I am. _Never_.

She deserved an eternity in heaven, and I was going to give it to her, and pray that she would love me again when I sought her there.

So, with both joy and grief in my heart, I leaned over the beautiful girl I adored, and kissed her gently on her blooming cheek.

"Happy Birthday," I whispered. And then I slipped out her window into the gray dawn before she awakened...

**_I__hope__that__you__all__enjoyed__this__chapter!__Did__you__notice__that__Bella__was__dreaming__the__same__dream__that__opens_New Moon, _only__Edward__was__there__to__misinterpret__her__unconscious__reaction__to__her__dream?__Ah,__Edward,__Edward!_**

**_I__believe__that__I__will__have__three__to__four__more__chapters__following__this__one.__I__have__Chapter__52__mostly__roughed__out,__and__I__may__start__NaNoWriMo__with__the__final__chapters__of_Evening Star _before__I__start__into_Pinned but Fluttering. _As_Evening Star _must__be__completed__by__November__30__for__the__Watty__Awards__on__Wattpad,__I__want__to__be__certain__it's__complete__well__before__that__date._**

_**So please do review! I have very few reviews of this story here—fewer than 3 per chapter on average, and a few reviews would really, truly make my day! **_

_**Love to you all,**_

_**Cassandra :)**_


	52. Chapter 52: A Happy Birthday

**A/N: The portion of this chapter regarding Bella's interest in the poems of e.e. cummings has been borrowed, with written permission, from _Midnight__Sun__Bridge_ by AllTheOtherNamesAreUsed on . A short portion of that story is quoted verbatim from _Midnight__Sun__Bridge_ and is footnoted as such. Many thanks to AllTheOtherNamesAreUsed for her kind permission in allowing me to reference and quote from her work. **

**I do not own _Twilight_ or _New__Moon_—they belong to Stephenie Meyer. I'm just playing with her (well-populated) dollhouse. Quoted lines from _New__Moon_ are used only to relate the story from Edward's unique point-of-view. **

**Chapter Fifty-Two: A Happy Birthday?**

Lightning-fast, I glanced at Bella's face, rose-colored with the lovely blush I loved but which at this time indicated her frustration and anger. She slumped in her seat, arms folded tightly over her chest as she tried taking deep breaths to calm herself.

We were sitting side-by-side in the back of our English class in which we were just beginning a discussion of a new novel, a favorite of mine, Fyodor Dostoyevsky's _Crime__and__Punishment._I enjoyed stories of redemption because they gave me hope—hope that I, too, could be saved from my murderous past.

When I first read the novel upon returning from my years away from Carlisle and his lifestyle, I couldn't help hoping, along with the murderer Raskolnikov, that my own personal Sonya would save me from myself and from my sins. Over the decades since then, I had prayed for a muse, for an angel like Raskolnikov's Sonya who would bring me out of the depraved, monstrous actions of my past and raise me to goodness and rightness...and a pure, holy love.

And Bella, my own personal angel, had indeed saved me just as Sonya had redeemed Raskolnikov.

But at present, my angel was furious with Alice...and also with me. Despite my dire warnings of against it, Alice was planning a birthday party for Bella. With dozens upon dozens of pink double-roses being flown in from Seattle, pink freesia-scented candles ordered online, and a three-layered cake smothered in the palest of pink fondant ready to be picked up from Port Angeles this afternoon, Alice had definitely gone overboard.

Although, I had to admit that it had been hilarious when Esme recommended decorating for the party in Bella's favorite color. When Esme had asked for Bella's favorite shade, I had glibly responded that the one time I had asked Bella regarding her favorite color, her reply had been _brown_.

Esme's jaw had dropped in shock. Alice had thrown her hands in the air in utter exasperation. Rose had sniffed rudely and muttered something unrepeatable under her breath. Emmett, Jasper, and yes, even Carlisle had held in their mirth for precisely three seconds before falling over each other with the force of their laughter. I had rolled my eyes dramatically in condescending amusement at their responses.

That's my girl. Always a surprise. Even to my "we've been alive for decades and have seen _everything_" family.

"Brown?" gurgled Emmett. "You've got to be kidding, Bro. Who has _brown_ for their favorite color? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard..." He trailed off in laughter again, leaning on Carlisle for support.

"What can I say? She's original," I defended, my amusement fading as their laughter continued. One quick round of laughter would have been quite sufficient, and Carlisle at least was gaining control of his laughter, but Jasper, mostly under Emmett's influence, had dropped into a chair, still laughing as uncontrollably as Emmett.

"We know she's original," Alice responded acidly. "And usually I love that about her. But at times it can be too much. Every once in a while," and she leveled a penetrating stare at me, "I wonder if she's truly human. I know her body is, but, truly, her mind seems as opposite of a normal teenaged girl as is humanly possible."

I opened my mouth to argue, but my tiny sister cut me off before I had formed a single word.

"She hates shopping, of all things," Alice started, ticking off each item on her slender fingers. "She hates new, fashionable clothing. She hates heels...actually, she won't wear any shoe that doesn't have laces. She hates makeup and getting her hair done, even by me. She hates pampering of any sort. She likes _brown_," Alice emphasized the color as she approached the end of her list. "And, the _piece__d'resistance_? She hates _presents_!"

"Really?" Emmett asked curiously, his laughter gone. "She hates presents? Then why did you have us pick out that stereo for her truck?"

"Because," Alice said cheerfully, "I'm going to have _you_install it while she's busy opening the empty stereo box so she can't return it, plus it's not from me or Edward; it's from you, Jazz, and Rose. She only asked Edward and me not to spend money on gifts; I deliberately did not give her an opportunity to speak to the rest of you."

I frowned at my pixie-like sister, not appreciating her manipulation of Bella, but Alice merely grinned and stuck out her tiny tongue at me in disgust. "I had to leave myself some options for gifts, Edward," she retorted. "How could anyone not like to receive presents?" She shook her head sadly. "I just don't understand that girl sometimes."

Well, that makes two of us.

Jasper drew Alice into his lap in the chair. "Clever," he whispered in Alice's ear, and my sister smiled widely at his praise.

"And," she continued, "Bella won't object to Esme and Carlisle's gift because it's not just for her—it's for Edward, too. She'll be happy to visit her mother which she's been wanting to do for a while now. Edward says she keeps worrying about Renee when she talks in her sleep."

Glancing at one another in amusement, Carlisle and Esme quickly schooled their faces into serene expressions at my annoyed glare.

"So, what did you and Edward get her, if you aren't allowed to spend any money?" Emmett asked, curious.

Alice and I exchanged a knowing smile. With her help, we had created a home-made gift, which Bella declared was her favorite kind because of the thought, time, and love invested in such a present. Alice had clearly seen Bella's strong emotional response, especially her joyful tears, in receiving our gift.

"You'll have to wait and see," I answered smugly.

Emmett growled in frustration, starting toward me with an ominous expression, but Esme, foreseeing the possibility of a knock-down, drag-out fight in the center of her living room, raised a hand to stop Emmett, stating peaceably, "I'm sure that Bella will love whatever Edward and Alice made. In fact, I would very much like one as well."

I moved across the room to hug my mother. "I've already made you a copy," I promised in her ear. When I pulled back from her embrace, her gentle eyes were bright, as if she would have been in tears had such a thing was possible for our kind.

"Anywhoooo," Alice picked up the previous conversation, "I chose pale pink for Bella's party because Edward loves to see her blush, and I certainly was NOT going to decorate a birthday party in _brown_."

"You should have used bright red, then Alice," Emmett teased, "since that's the color she turns when she blushes. Hey, Jasper, wanna bet how many times she blushes tonight?" He and Jasper slipped from the room to discuss their bet at length and to also escape the frenzy of decorating that Alice would subject us to.

Smart move.

Of course, I had to help my sister decorate for the party despite my severe reservations. After all, the party was for my girl, and although she would be beyond embarrassed at the attention such a party would subject her to, I had at least restrained my sister in keeping the party to our family only. Alice had wanted to invite the entire senior class at first, and then I had to persuade Alice to drop the surprise party idea. It helped greatly that Alice had foreseen a very angry Bella, tears of rage streaming down her bright red cheeks, stomping outside and hiding in her truck for the remainder of the evening after everyone had yelled, "Surprise!" at her. After that vision, Alice had graciously agreed to drop the element of surprise from the party.

Thank goodness for small favors...

Allowing my mind to return to the present in our English class, I stole another glance at Bella. She had not yet relaxed from her angry position; her jaw remained tight, her arms folded, her chin tucked stubbornly to her chest, her full lips pressed into a thin line. At least I had promised her a Shakespeare movie this afternoon, as much as I disliked _Romeo__and__Juliet._ Even though we had completed the Shakespeare unit last week with watching the modern film version with Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes, Bella was hiding from her birthday by wanting to watch Zeffirelli's film starring the lovely Olivia Hussey. I had to admit, I much preferred Zeffirelli's 1968 classic over the modern 1996 DiCaprio movie which contained car chases and gang murders; I sincerely disliked updating Shakespeare's plays in film and on stage.

Sneaking another quick-silver glance at the stiff figure beside me, I realized how carefully I would have to tread today. Above all, I must not reveal any of the ever-present anxiety that weighed on my heart to Bella, nor must I demonstrate the sheer joy I felt in celebrating this beautiful girl, now legally a woman, who was mine and mine only.

The pull between the negative and the positive, the pessimism of my old ways and the optimism that Bella had brought into my life simply by existing, were constantly at battle within my mind. At one moment I felt as if I were flying—joy suffused my every thought, every motion. And the next moment I was at the bottom of the deepest, darkest well with not a single pinpoint of light visible—despair and agony piercing my heart.

So I accompanied Bella through her birthday as if this Tuesday were just any ordinary Tuesday. How I wanted to give her the world—or at the very least, a new vehicle. But, per her wishes, I had only recorded my music with Alice's assistance, of course. A CD. It seems so trite, so nothing, to give Bella a home-made recording of my piano compositions.

But the final song was unusual. Instead of my playing the piano as in all the previous songs, the final track featured the guitar, an instrument I enjoyed, but not to the extent of the piano. I had taken one of her favorite poems, set it to an original theme that had come to me a few nights ago, and sang it softly to her, Alice assisting me with the digital recording.

After all, e.e. cummings was her favorite poet, a fact that I had ferreted from her during my days of questioning her in the spring, several days before I had taken her to our meadow for the first time. Her response to my question had surprised me—I had expected Dickinson to be her favorite poet as I thought her combination of whimsy and depth of insight would appeal to Bella. But no—cummings—a poet whom I had dismissed when his works were new as being rather crass and obvious. But Bella's comments about his work had caused me to reconsider. I remembered our conversation perfectly, of course.

"_Favorite poet?" I asked..._

_"Cummings."_

_"Cummings?" I blurted out. "Don't you think his work's a little vulgar?" She blushed._

_"Well, some of it, but some of it is really…intimate I guess." _

_"Tell me some of your favorites." She paused, struggling. "Please," I added. She smiled._

_"I don't mind telling you, it's just that the[y] don't have names, they are usually known by their first line, but I always remember them by their last line."_

_"Okay, give me last lines."_

_She held up her fingers as she listed them. "Let's see…'nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands', 'the breaking of your soul upon my lips', 'where always it is Spring and everyone's in love and flowers pick themselves"…you know some of what he does, like that last one, is not so different from Monet…he's not very linear…he paints with words."_

I knew she would love the CD, but although it was personal and had taken me hours to create, it still felt like so little to offer the love of my existence upon her eighteenth birthday. But it was all she would allow, and I had promised to abide by her wishes.

The school day ended, and Bella insisted on driving us to her home to watch _Romeo__and__Juliet_. I couldn't help chafing at the snail's pace which was her truck's maximum speed. I teased Bella about her radio's poor reception to prepare Bella for her gift tonight from Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper. Her frown was comical; I had to stifle a smile as she snapped at me. She hated any criticism aimed at her precious truck.

This thing wasn't a working vehicle, I thought as the engine groaned again as she shifted gears, always having to double-pump the clutch; truly, this truck was a candidate for the junk yard. Why was she so attached to this abomination? Was it because Charlie had given it to her—one of the few gifts she had ever accepted without complaint? Or was it because Jacob Black had rebuilt the engine and kept it in satisfactory running order?

The Black child's presence over the summer had been supremely annoying. He clearly dismissed his father's "tall tales" about the tribe becoming wolves in order to fight their natural enemies, the "cold ones," yet he looked at us in an appraising manner and with curious thoughts that revealed his recognition that our family was different. He puzzled over our pale skin, our golden eyes, our inhuman beauty, but every time the thought of "cold ones" entered his mind, he dismissed the whole idea as the stuff of legends.

How right he was...

I had to admit that part of me wanted Jacob Black to put two and two together and realize what we are, just so he could go running away, scared, his tail between his legs...metaphorically, of course. I chuckled as I imagined his fear and subsequent permanent departure from Bella's life.

Bella shot me an annoyed glance, apparently believing that I was laughing at her. Immediately I schooled my features into a serious expression though I'm certain that my eyes still danced with amusement at my thoughts of never seeing young Jacob Black approach Bella again.

Once we reached her house, I leaned over, taking Bella's face in my hands, cherishing the fragility of her beautiful face. She closed her eyes, breathing in my scent, as I whispered in her ear, "You should be in a good mood, today of all days."

Bella roused herself enough to gasp through her irregular breaths, "And if I don't want to be in a good mood?"

All the love I felt for this beautiful, fragile girl burned in my eyes as I replied softly, "Too bad," as I leaned toward her and lingeringly kissed her warm, trembling lips. When Bella threw her arms around me, pressing her warm body against mine, I pulled away, smiling as our lips parted. If only she knew how very difficult it was to stop kissing her when I wanted more than anything to continue—and proceed much farther than merely a kiss.

But my self-control had become more difficult to maintain lately since the re-emergence of Alice's frightening visions. I wanted nothing more than to gently crush Bella's body against mine, bury my lips and tongue into her mouth, and take her...even right here in her dilapidated truck on a public street.

I shook my head, trying to clear my lustful thoughts as I reminded Bella, "Be good, please." I gently touched my lips to hers once more, then backed away from her too-tempting body, pulling her arms from behind my neck and placing them carefully across her slender waist. I sighed softly, too faintly for Bella to hear. Kissing Bella tested my defenses in an increasingly more difficult manner each time I touched her; my body hungered for hers more and more each day. Even each hour.

The loud thrumming of her heart didn't help in the least.

Still breathless, Bella asked, "Do you think I'll ever get better at this? That my heart might someday stop trying to jump out of my chest whenever you touch me?"

I grinned down at her. "I really hope not," I replied, just a little smug at the thought.

"Let's go watch the Capulets and Montagues hack each other up, all right?" she asked, rolling her eyes at my superior attitude.

I gave her a sweeping mock bow as I teased, "You wish, my command." Bella pretended to slug my shoulder as we walked up her front pathway; she knew better than to really hit me...if she wanted to avoid making a trip to the ER on her birthday.

A few moments later, we settled down in her living room to watch Zeffirelli's film. I drew Bella into my lap, curling my icy arms around her warm waist and scooting her back against my chest. Bella wriggled a little, seeking a more comfortable position as I covered her with a hand-knitted blanket to keep her warm despite leaning against my cold body for two hours.

As the movie began, Romeo entered, and I couldn't help but release a snort of disdain. Bella twisted to glare at me over her shoulder, so I explained how I didn't have much patience with Romeo. Bella became defensive—she must really like Romeo. A crush, perhaps? And I couldn't help feeling just a little jealous, a thought which was absolutely ridiculous considering that Romeo was A) fictional, and B) from the late 16th century, and C) an idiot.

When Bella asked for my opinion, I cheerfully ticked off the reasons I greatly disliked Romeo, hoping that Bella would not detect my illogical jealousy. "Well, first of all, he's in love with this Rosaline—don't you think that makes him seem a little fickle? And then, a few minutes after their wedding, he kills Juliets's cousin. That's not very brilliant. Could he have destroyed his own happiness any more thoroughly?"

Bella sighed, asking if I wanted to leave. Leave? Of course not! I wanted to watch her anyway; I had seen the movie back in the 1960s when it had first been released; Alice dragged me and Jasper to see it...against our wills, might I add.

When I asked her if she was going to cry, she hinted that she might—if she paid attention. So I kept my unfavorable opinions about Romeo to myself but kissed the top of her head as I whispered Romeo's somewhat inane lines into Bella's ear. She shivered with pleasure as I did so, especially during the passionate balcony scene.

I added more feeling to Romeo's lines during this romantic scene as Shakespeare's words of love and longing so well expressed my own adoration of Isabella Swan.

_The__brightness__of__her__cheek__would__shame__those__stars,_

_ As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven_

_ Would through the airy region stream so brightness _

_ That birds would sing and think it were not night._

_ See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand!_

_ O, that I were a glove upon that hand,_

_ That I might touch that cheek!"_

I reached gently forward, tracing Bella's lovely cheekbone with my fingertips. I felt the heat of her blush beneath my hand as I cupped her jaw. Bella shuddered again, then turned her head slightly to press her warm, moist lips into the center of my palm. Her unexpected response to my reading Romeo's lines caused my body to tremble...and for that moment I felt as fragile, as human, as Bella herself.

Our eyes met, neither of us paying attention to the famous balcony scene playing on the television screen as her coffee-brown eyes bore into my golden ones, my eyes searing into hers. Bella shivered a third time, effectively waking her from this moment suspended in time. Leaning over, she grabbed the remote and reversed the balcony scene so that we could watch it again. Releasing her warm cheek, I leaned forward again, whispering Romeo's lines in her ear once again.

I behaved myself, withholding my critical comments on Romeo's supreme stupidity until the final scenes when Juliet woke from her deep sleep and discovered Romeo at her side, dead. It was rather pathetic, and Bella's tears began to flow at the poignancy of the scene. As I dried her eyes, I couldn't resist commenting, somewhat sarcastically, "I'll admit, I do sort of envy him here."

Partly because of her tears but also perhaps from a prick of jealousy, Bella sniffed loudly, "She's very pretty."

She had to be joking! Juliet was the last subject on my mind. I groaned as I told her that I envied Romeo the simplicity of his death—and all the choices humans have to destroy themselves. The opportunities were endless. I explained that I once had to consider such an end...in Arizona when she had escaped from us and run to James, "Of course I was trying to focus on finding you alive," I told her, "but part of my mind was making contingency plans. Like I said, it's not as easy for me as it is for a human."

The memories played through my mind, crystal clear: finding Bella bleeding and unconscious on the floor of the ballet studio: an image that will haunt me to the end of my days.

Bella made a gasping noise, shaking her head in disbelief as she whispered, "Contingency plans?"

I rolled my eyes at the obvious response to losing her—the only response of which I would be capable should she ever leave this earth. "Well, I wasn't going to live without you," I said. I explained my plan of going to Italy in order to provoke the Volturi, then answered Bella's questions about the Volturi automatically, all the while thinking of when Bella would indeed die. At most I had sixty or seventy years with her—how quickly they would fly past for an immortal like myself—before I would be approaching Aro and begging for death.

_There__was__no__way__that__I__would__be__capable__of__existing__without__Bella._

Still trying to quash the image of myself as an empty shell, only fit to beg for a merciful end to my immortal existence, slowly I concluded blankly to Bella, "Anyway, you don't irritate the Volturi. Not unless you want to die—or whatever it is we do."

Bella turned to me, her angered face becoming horror-stricken. Placing her tiny, warm hands to my face, she held onto me as tightly as she was able, speaking slowly, deliberately,- letting each word sink in completely, "You must never, never, never think of anything like that again! No matter what might ever happen to me, you are _not__allowed_ to hurt yourself!

I wouldn't be hurting myself—that was Aro's job, or one he would delegate to his talented guard. I didn't really care if they decided to have a little fun and torture me first, as long as I would be joining Bella again in the next life...if such mercy was allowed me.

I looked into Bella's frantic eyes, trying to soothe both of us as I replied woodenly, "I'll never put you in danger again, so it's a moot point."

She argued further, but I dismissed her...until Bella declared heatedly, "What if something did happen to you?" She paled as she spoke, her translucent skin becoming colorless with stress, her jaw taut with emotion. "Would you want me to go _off_ myself?"

Pain slashed through me at the image of Bella ending her life as Juliet did in the film—_no,__no,__no,__no_.

She couldn't. She wouldn't.

So I acquiesced with little grace, "I guess I see your point...a little. But what would I do without you?" I asked, grief-stricken at the thought of proceeding through an endless existence without Bella at my side.

"Whatever you were doing before I came along and complicated your existence," she answered too quickly.

Did she not understand how much she had altered my entire existence? There was no returning to that horrible emptiness after experiencing a life with Bella's love. Frustrated that she could never see her value clearly, I sighed, "You make that sound so easy."

Bella shook her head emphatically, "It should be. I'm not really that interesting."

She truly had _no_ idea how completely and utterly she had transformed my existence, had transformed _me_. I was not the same man who had stared, frustrated, across the cafeteria at a brown-haired girl whose stubborn mind I could not read. I was capable of a love so life-altering...all because of Bella's influence and love.

I opened my mouth to argue, then decided not to begin this argument again, especially on her birthday. "Moot point," I repeated.

As I spoke, I heard the hum of Charlie's cruiser turn down the street, so I scooted Bella out of my lap, placing her beside me on the sofa.

"Charlie?" Bella asked.

I smiled somewhat ruefully. I had to somehow shift my mood before her party tonight. I didn't want to throw a damper upon her special day.

****The words between the double-asterisks are quoted verbatim with permission from AllTheOtherNamesAreUsed's story, _Midnight__Sun__Bridge_, Chapter Two. **

**Wow—only three more chapters after this one! We're definitely winding down. These chapters may be a little longer than usual, but my guess is that no one will complain too much. ;) **

**And please, please, please review! We're almost at the end, and I would LOVE to have 200 reviews by the time I complete the story. **

**Thank you for reading—you're the BEST! **

**-Cassandra **


	53. Chapter 53: Party Time

**Here's Chapter 53 of _Evening__Star_. We're almost done—only two more chapters after this one. **

**This chapter was truly hellish to write. I got lost in Edward's agony and had a difficult time keeping the chapter on track. But it's here, and I hope you'll like it well enough. **

**I only hope that I am doing justice to the characters and to _New__Moon_. **

**As always, all things and characters _Twilight_ belong to Stephenie Meyer. **

**And apologies for any weird italic issues—for some reason, this site keeps removing spaces from between ALL my italicized words. And it's getting mighty annoying. **

**Chapter Fifty-Three: Party-Time**

My birthday present to Bella, the disc of my music, continued to flow from her inexpensive CD player, lulling Bella into an uneasy sleep. I tucked her head against my shoulder, holding her tightly to my icy body while my frozen heart shattered into a thousand pieces. With extraordinary effort, I stopped my breathing and stilled my body so that my tearless sobs would not waken the sleeping angel I held in my arms, the wide bandage along the length of her arm pressed against my side in an attempt to soothe Bella's pain.

Bella's pain. My pain. All that we had possessed for the past half-year had fallen apart in a split-second tonight. It still amazed me that the simplest of movements—a mere paper cut—could conclude with my brother racing away into the night, driven by the searing guilt resulting from his loss of self-control and myself determinedly resolving to do the impossible.

I knew that the heart-deep agony of losing Bella was now upon me, just as Alice had foreseen...although she had not seen the simple slip of Bella's finger against expensive wrapping paper that caused the domino-effect of events that would now separate me from my beloved one.

As it was still her birthday, I couldn't bear to tell Bella of my decision—the only decision that could possibly be made in light of tonight's events. What I had feared the most had so nearly occurred.

And, so help me God, it would never occur again.

Never again would Bella Swan's life be endangered because of mine.

_Never_.

It was so clear a decision to make, but so damnably impossible to actually do.

How in the world was I going to leave behind this beautiful human girl? How could I let my one and only love—the love of my existence—live her own safe, human life...without me?

But I had to.

It was the only right thing to do.

And it would be hell...for both of us.

But especially for me.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

After all, the evening had started out so lovely. After Bella had finished her birthday pizza at her home, I had driven Bella's decrepit truck with laudable patience to our family's home. I had been a little worried about Bella's reaction to Alice's party, especially since Emmett had insisted not only upon attending but also on dragging a sullen Rosalie with him. Despite my concern regarding Rosalie's unaltered attitude of disdain toward my beloved one, Bella had taken the news of her presence tonight better than I had expected.

Then I had to ruin the mood, fortunately only momentarily, by asking Bella what she really wanted for her birthday since she had quickly quashed my brilliant plan for replacing her truck with a sleek, powerful Audi Coupe, the absolute antithesis of the hunk of junk she cherished.

Her reply floored me. Bella had looked down at her lap, twisting her slim fingers as she whispered, "You know what I want."

Immortality. _Riiiight._ So not going to happen. I refuse to rob Bella of her precious humanity, of her beautiful soul. Over the decades she would grow to despise me for all that I had stolen from her: the restfulness and peace of sleep, the pleasure of enjoying food, the opportunity for growth and change, the ability to have children—in other words, her entire life. I couldn't be responsible for taking everything important away from her.

I simply wasn't worth it.

I sighed as I turned her decrepit excuse for a vehicle off the highway and onto our long, private drive, proceeding slowly enough to keep the ride smooth while wishing desperately that I had not changed the subject. "Not tonight, Bella. Please," I begged her, not wishing to sour the enjoyment of her party with yet another argument over her desire for immortality.

Bella pouted, glancing at me sideways as I turned onto our long drive. "Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want," she challenged.

At first I thought she was teasing. Then I glanced at her expression and sucked in a quick breath through my set teeth. Bella was absolutely, completely serious.

Damn it!

Not tonight.

A deep, angry growl burst from me before I could stifle the violence of my reaction. How dare Alice even consider giving into Bella's wrong desire to become like us? Why in the world would my sister even remotely consider betraying me in this manner? How could she even think about taking away Bella's human life and her pure, perfect soul?

_No!__It__would__not__be!_I vowed, another growl escaping, hopefully too low for Bella's human hearing.

But I rapidly became aware of Bella's glare after my outburst; my growl had not frightened her the way it would a normal human. If anything, she seemed even more determined to get her way...in any manner she could.

I took a long look at the beautiful, stubborn, wonderful girl who had given me her heart so unreservedly. Her color was high with anger, her eyes bright and focused on me unblinkingly. She had no fear of a spirited confrontation with a vampire...no fear at all.

She was amazing.

I turned my eyes back to the curving drive to our home even though it was not necessary for me to watch my driving. "This isn't going to be your last birthday, Bella," I declared quietly.

I could feel her eyes boring into my face as she objected, "That's not fair!" If I hadn't been so angry, I might have smiled at the childishness and innocence of Bella's response.

But she was right. No, it wasn't fair, I agreed silently, my teeth set together. It was not fair that this perfect human girl had to give up anything—everything—just to be with me.

It was the worst decision she could possibly make.

And I valued her life far too much to allow her to waste it on me.

As I parked her truck in front of our home, I had to suppress a smile at Bella's dramatic groan when she spied the pink roses and lanterns, the entire effect courtesy of my sister, decorating our front porch and steps.

Laughing at Bella's silliness in inquiring if I would appear in the photos she had taken tonight with her new camera, I had whisked her into the house and into the welcoming arms of Alice, Emmett, Esme, and Carlisle, Jasper keeping a careful distance while Rosalie still sulked in the chair farthest from the front door.

Bella's eyes had widened and her face had flushed cherry-red at the chorus of "happy birthday, Bella!" as well as at the profusion of pink roses and delicately-scented candles adorning the main living area. The elaborate pink cake, the glass plates, more roses in a crystal vase, and a stack of silver-wrapped gifts topped a small table set beside my piano. Trying to comfort her and help mitigate Bella's obvious distress, I wrapped my arm around her waist, leaning close to kiss the top of her head, inhaling the sweet scent of strawberries and freesias that was uniquely Bella.

I smiled indulgently as Jasper and Emmett kept careful count of each of Bella's blushes throughout the party; Emmett had bet high and was hopeful of a win while Jasper tried to use his gift to calm Bella's blushes subtly enough that he hoped no one but myself would realize his deceitful ploy.

After all, any time I could assist anyone in helping Emmett lose a bet was far too enjoyable to resist...

Alice started directing the party, deciding wisely to have Bella address the most uncomfortable portion of the evening first thing: opening her gifts. Ignoring Bella's obvious lack of enthusiasm, my sister dragged her to the white linen-covered table beside the piano and boldly ordered Bella to start opening her presents.

True to form, Bella objected, "Alice, I know I told you I didn't want anything-"

"But I didn't listen," Alice interrupted blithely, placing the largest silver-wrapped box in Bella's hands. "Open it."

Bella sighed, then a puzzled look crossed her face at the apparently empty box, a gift from Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie. Ripping the paper away, she stared confusedly at the numbers and letters printed in black on the side of the large cardboard box. Still wondering, she actually opened the empty box while I and the rest of my family smothered grins, including Rosalie.

Bella looked up from the empty box to Jasper and Rosalie, not having noticed that Emmett had slipped from the room several minutes previously. "Um...thanks," she said politely but uncertainly.

Rosalie snickered behind her hand while the rest of the family tried to conceal amused smiles; Jasper actually broke into a laugh. Sensing Bella's growing distress, he kindly explained, "It's a stereo for your truck. Emmett's installing it right now so that you can't return it."

Bella's expression of undisguised chagrin at Alice's careful subterfuge caused the rest of us to laugh musically. Being a good sport despite my family's over-the-top celebration of her dreaded birthday, Bella smiled too. "Thanks, Jasper, Rosalie," she said sincerely, throwing me a grin, apparently realizing the reason behind my earlier complaints about her truck's radio. Then she raised her voice just slightly as she called, "Thanks, Emmett!"

And she laughed beautifully in response to Emmett's belly laugh from the front driveway where he was sliding the new stereo into place, having already removed the ancient stock radio which had only received AM frequencies. Her laugh was so lovely that I couldn't help but pull her close against me for a moment, wrapping my arms around her waist and kissing her forehead as Alice cajoled in an excited, high-pitched voice, "Open mine and Edward's next."

For one more second I held Bella against me, basking in her happiness and her love.

If only I had known that moment would be the last moment of joy I would experience...perhaps forever.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Lying next to Bella with the nightmarish incidents of the evening behind us, I didn't want to think of what had occurred next. Instead, I buried my nose in Bella's fragrant hair to ward off the memory of the horrific events—all of which had started with a single slip of Bella's slender fingers.

But the remembrances of mere hours ago descended upon me anyway, darkening my mood and binding my stomach in knots of pain.

A papercut.

All it took was a simple error of movement, the edge of wrapping paper against the fragile skin of her index finger, and a single drop of blood had risen to the surface of her skin.

The delectable scent of Bella's fragrant blood immediately permeated the room.

My roar of "No!" split the air as Jasper rushed at us. Attempting to protect Bella, I had flung her behind me, not considering the crystal-covered table standing between us and the piano in my moment of sheer panic.

Jasper had crashed into me, the echo of the collision of our stone bodies reverberating loudly through the room. Snarling uncontrollably, Jasper attempted to get past me again in his quest for Bella's blood, but Emmett seized Jasper's head under his powerful arm, headlocking the still-growling Jasper against Emmett's massive chest. Still struggling against Emmett, Jasper's wild eyes focused only on Bella.

Then the scent of her blood doubled, tripled, quadrupled in intensity. Once Emmett had Jasper in an inescapable grasp, I turned to check on Bella.

She had fallen beside my piano, her life's blood pulsing out of her arm with every rapid beat of her panicked heart. Overreacting as usual, I had thrown her into the crystal and glass-filled table, forcing her into the jagged shards. Dazedly, she pulled herself into a sitting position, paling further as she looked up to see far too many dark-eyed vampires staring hungrily at her...

Myself included.

Her blood smelled so unbelievably sweet. Unlike the last time I had seen and smelled it on the floor of that wretched ballet studio, the blood pulsing beautifully and fragrantly from Bella's arm was untainted by venom or morphine.

_It__was__perfect._

_ And__I__wanted__it__with__every__atom__of__my__being._

Then I saw Bella's eyes—her wide, frightened eyes. And the unmistakeable fear on her face brought me up short.

Immediately I held my breath.

It was the only thing I could do to save her life in this moment.

And I was not attempting save her from Jasper.

I was saving her from _me_.

Before I knew what I was doing, somehow, I was crouching in front of Bella to protect her from my family.

_From__my__family._

Even now, while holding Bella safely in my arms on her bed, I cringed at the thought of having to protect my beloved girl from my very own family.

How could such a thing have happened? How could I see my family as the enemy when this horrendous situation was entirely my fault?

_I__was__the__enemy._

I was Bella's enemy even while I growled a warning at my family through gritted teeth.

I barely noticed Carlisle's calm voice directing us with quiet authority, just as I barely noted Rosalie's smug thoughts and Esme's apology for leaving.

Carlisle's face loomed in front of me. "Let me by, Edward," he ordered quietly.

Still not breathing, I glanced about the room, searching for any residual danger to Bella. Emmett and Rosalie had wrestled a still-struggling and snarling Jasper out of the house, Esme apologetically on their heels. Only Alice and Carlisle remained, and the thoughts of both were calm and businesslike. Alice was trying to not worry about Jasper while she focused instead on Bella; she held her breath just as I did. Carlisle alone was breathing normally as Bella's quick, shallow breaths indicated her stress.

Carlisle's face pleaded with me. _Edward,__I__need__to__stop__Bella's__bleeding__and__bind__her__wound.__Please__step__aside__and__let__me__help__her._

Reluctantly I nodded, straightening my defensive posture. Carlisle approached Bella, kneeling beside her and beginning to examine her wound.

Bella's pale face seemed frozen in shock, as if her every thought had been suspended. The only indication of her pain and stress was the speed of her heart rate and her breathing—breathing that if Carlisle didn't calm her soon would result in hyperventilation and the possibility of Bella losing consciousness.

_Deep,__slow__breaths,__Bella,_I encouraged silently, uselessly.

Alice moved to Carlisle's side, a towel in hand which he refused, asking instead for his medical bag. While Alice ghosted upstairs to fetch it, Carlisle made a tourniquet for Bella's arm from a strip of the white linen cloth from the table which now lay across the thick carpeting, broken in several pieces from the force of my slamming Bella's fragile body into it.

I swallowed thickly, feeling nauseous at the thought of injuring her in this way.

As Carlisle tightened the tourniquet around her upper arm above Bella's gaping wound, I noticed her face turn a ghastly grayish-white, her eyes becoming unfocused.

I had seen her like this before; she was very near fainting, whether from blood loss or shock I couldn't tell. Perhaps both.

_And__both__were__completely__my__fault._

"Bella, do you want me to drive you to the hospital, or would you like me to take care of it here?" Carlisle asked gently, trying to distract her from the sight and smell of her blood which was causing her to become light-headed.

"Here, please," she whispered, sw allowing hard in response to her own nausea.

Following Carlisle's directions, I carried Bella away from the blood pool that had formed on the white carpeting, a stark reminder of how close she had come to dying tonight. I closed my eyes for a split-second as I carried her fragile form, recognizing how very close she had come to death tonight.

In the home of my own family.

Shutting my mind to that line of thought which would not help Bella now (knowing that I could flagellate myself later for nearly killing my beloved), I took her to the kitchen table, seating her in a chair while Carlisle prepared to remove the glass shards from Bella's arm. I did not dare to take a breath for fear that I would lose control and injure her further, so I continued to clench my jaw in fear, fighting the insane yet extremely tempting desire to sink my teeth...

_ENOUGH!_ I scolded.

I did not trust myself.

_And__neither__should__she._

Still paler than the average vampire, Bella glanced up at me with her round, brown eyes, frowning a little. Noticing my set jaw and refusal to breathe, she sighed, "Just go, Edward."

What? She wanted me to leave her? It was probably best.

And not just for the few minutes it would take Carlisle to repair her wound.

I would have to leave her...forever.

Again I closed my eyes against the agonizing thought of attempting to survive without Bella. But wouldn't a normal boyfriend stay, at least until her condition was certain? I was afraid to leave her, though; I couldn't make myself go because I feared that I would never return to her. And I couldn't face that possibility now. No, not now.

I was so weak. Such a coward.

But I would stay. For her. I would support her through the pain of her wound, the wound I caused, being stitched together. I could do that much for her—hold her hand and comfort her through the inevitable pain.

I could and I would.

Using the last of my breath while attempting to ignore the inferno burning in my dry throat, I steeled myself to remain with Bella, muttering insistently, "I can handle it."

I had to prove to her and to myself that I was not a monster who would kill her without a moment's thought. I would stay and allow the calm of Carlisle's ministrations to quiet me as he tended Bella, also allowing myself to spend every last moment I could with her.

Although she sounded irritated, I heard the undercurrent of concern—concern for me, the one who had just nearly ended her life, flowing through her words as Bella insisted, "You don't need to be a hero. Carlisle can fix me up without your help." Then she looked up into my eyes with such kindness, such compassion, such love. "Get some fresh air," she advised, searching my eyes for a clue as to how I was handling this turn of events.

Trying to mask my panic, somehow I managed to choke out two short words without taking in another breath. "I'll stay," I stated tersely, hoping she would stop arguing. If I took another breath, I didn't know what could happen to her.

Filling a small hypodermic with a local anesthetic, my father, noting my breathless response, looked at me with concern. _Are__you__all__right,__Edward?__Perhaps__you__should__leave,__for__Bella's__safety.__There's__nothing__to__be__ashamed__of__in__the__least.__She's__your__singer;__her__blood's__pull__on__you__is__powerful.__Why__don't__you__go__check__on__your__siblings?_

I shook my head minimally, and Carlisle frowned before redirecting his attention to Bella's injured arm, lining up the needle to insert it into Bella's vein.

I looked away, my tenuous control already hanging by a thread, not wanting to be tempted any further than I already was. 

Bella glanced down as Carlisle injected her with a local anesthetic before beginning to stitch her arm. Drawing in a quick breath that sounded more like a gasp, she looked away from Carlisle's action, muttering, "Why are you so masochistic?"

I saw Alice smother a smile at her remark, and even Carlisle's lips twitched once.

After searching my face once more, Carlisle entered the conversation following Bella's rhetorical question, ordering me to go find Jasper, Bella and Alice quickly chiming their agreement. _Edward,__I've__got__this.__I've__got__her.__But__you__need__to__step__out__and__regain__control.__I__can__tell__how__close__you__are__to__losing__it__right__now.__Please,__Edward.__Go._

I narrowed my eyes at all three, not appreciating their teamwork in getting rid of me.

_Edward,__go.__You__haven't__any__breath__left,__and__Jasper__truly__needs__you.__Please?__For__me?_begged Alice.

Reluctantly I nodded, then flashed through the back door and out into the inky darkness of a Forks late summer evening.

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After I had jumped the river, I followed the scents of my siblings into the park. The night was unusually clear, my way lit by starshine and moonlight.

How I wished for Bella to be here with me, her beautiful face silvered by the moonlight. But such a dream, possible only moments ago, was now an utter impossibility.

My body raced on autopilot, dodging trees, boulders, following the scent of my brothers and sister.

In a blink of an eye, everything had changed.

And one very painful, soul-shattering truth became crystal-clear: Bella Swan was being placed in constant danger because of her proximity to myself and my family.

Jasper had almost killed her tonight. He had wanted to. His dark eyes, wild with thirst, had been completely focused on his rampaging desire for Bella's blood.

And I had almost killed her tonight as well. More than once. I had thrown her fragile form into glassware and crystal, causing the injury that Carlisle was now stitching.

Yes, now. While my father calmly repaired the damage I had wreaked upon Bella, I was running away from her rather than staying with her, holding her hand and comforting her. Any normal human boyfriend, even a poor excuse for a boyfriend such as Mike Newton, would never have thrown her into a table of glassware. He would never have wanted her blood with every atom of his being. He would never have to hold his breath in order to keep himself from killing her. He would never desert her while she was in pain, leaving her to cope with the one thing she feared above all else—needles—as Carlisle meticulously stitched her wound closed.

The truth became obvious: Bella needed a normal human boyfriend. Bella needed a normal human life.

She deserved a life in which she would not be endangered, time and time again, by roving nomadic vampires who sought to play cat-and-mouse games with her...or by a boyfriend who thirsted for her blood in ways that words could never express, and, in addition, desired her carnally as well—a desire that, if fulfilled, would most likely result in her injury or death.

Bella deserved a boyfriend who would not endanger her life on a daily basis.

Bella deserved a life in which she would be happy and safe, a long life stretching in front of her to fill as she desired: college, career, marriage, children.

And I would give this long life to her, despite the fact that doing so would cause me unendurable agony.

Even now, as this resolve settled into my mind, my heart, my soul, the pain was earth-shattering. Unendurable.

I was no longer Edward Cullen.

I wasn't sure what or who I was any longer.

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The memories stopped then as I held Bella against me in her twin bed, burying my face in her fragrant hair.

I would be letting Bella go. And I knew, deep within my dead heart, that leaving this lovely human girl would destroy me.

**Okay, only two more chapters left in _Evening__Star_. I am hoping to complete it before _Breaking__Dawn__Part__1_ hits theatres this Friday. **

**Then after a few quick edits, I'll have PDFs of _Evening__Star_ posted on my blog in early December. **

**Please review! I'd love to know what you think. I only hope that I'm doing the story justice. Thank you for reading and reviewing! You're all wonderful! :)**

**-Cassandra, who is so far behind in NaNoWriMo that she will have NO days off for the remainder of the month... **


	54. Chapter 54: Pushing Forward and Falling

**Here we are...the penultimate chapter to the year-long project of _Evening__Star._ I hope you like it. It's another looong one. :)**

**Chapter Fifty-Four: Pushing Forward and Falling Back**

The unendurable pain of knowing that I would be leaving Bella seared through my body, my mind, my heart as I held her sleeping form ever closer as we lay on her bed. The piano music that Alice and I had recorded continued playing in the background, but this gift to Bella brought me no peace...because I knew what I had to do.

There was no other choice as I wanted Bella to survive and live a long, happy, safe human life. And the pain shot through me again, the agonizing knowledge of what I would do to her, to me.

How will I survive without her?

Yet this decision was not about me.

It was all about her.

Only her.

Her human life. Her safety. All that she deserved that I couldn't give her.

Unbidden, the memories of mere hours ago returned. I didn't want to keep reliving the events of this night, but I couldn't stop the images from flooding my mind, over and over in a sickening litany that wouldn't stop.

That would _never_ stop...

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Surrounded by trees and boulders, the night sky seemed to bear down on me, the agony of my decision utterly halting me. Only when I had felt a tentative touch on my shoulder did I realize that not only had I stopped pursuing Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie, but I had also sunk to my knees on the forest floor.

I had not detected Alice's thoughts, her scent, her movement, as she followed me, but she was beside me then, her tiny hand resting on my shoulder.

It was a comforting gesture that brought no relief.

Not that I deserved relief.

In a way, I hoped that Bella would realize the same truth that I had comprehended tonight—the horrible monster that I am under the thin facade of humanity—and that she would leave me, desiring to put as much distance between us as possible.

_Riiiight._

As if Bella would ever put her own interests before my own. Before anyone else's, at any time. She was the most unselfish person I had ever met.

But the unlikely scenario of her leaving me would be so much easier than the alternative: removing Bella from my existence for her own good.

As if that would be a simple task...

I knew that it would be the hardest thing I have ever done in my century-long existence.

But I would do it to protect Bella from myself...from all of my family.

Especially from myself.

All these thoughts ran through my head as Alice stood before me, her hand on my shoulder as I knelt in the damp bracken of the forest.

_Edward,__calm__down.__Breathe,__Edward.__It__will__be__all__right,__Edward__—__I__promise._

The sound of sobbing filled the air, and I glanced around. Alice's expression was sad, but she wasn't the one crying and trembling; she was perfectly still, immobilized by yet another vision, her eyes blank with that familiar far-away look.

But the forest around me was shaking. Was it an earthquake?

Then I realized, as I slumped forward with my head in my hands, as I sobbed tearlessly with each breath a knife-point stabbing my heavy heart, that I was the one crying. I was the one trembling with each heart-wrenching sob that shook my body.

Could I do this? To Bella? To myself?

I had to.

There was no choice.

Then Alice's firm voice sounded in my mind. _Edward,__you__can't__do__this.__No__—__I__won't__let__you__break__up__our__family.__Please,__stay__—__we__can__work__this__out.__And__think__how__Jazz__will__feel,__knowing__that__he__was__responsible__for__separating__you__and__Bella__as__well__as__isolating__you__from__the__rest__of__the__family.__Please,__Edward__—__I'm__begging__you.__If__not__for__your__sake,__at__least__do__it__for__Jasper's.__He__won't__be__able__to__live__with__the__guilt,__Edward.__It__will__tear__him__apart..._

But I couldn't care about Jasper and his guilt. Not now. Later...

I could only think of having to break this news to Bella...and how her heart would break...as well as my own.

And again I will be responsible for injuring this delicate, beautiful, trusting human girl. Actually, it's a miracle that she has trusted me thus far.

She shouldn't trust me.

It wasn't safe.

_I__wasn't__safe._

I was a vampire, and Bella was not only my natural food source, but also the one whose scent, whose blood, called to me as it did to no other.

Why had I allowed our relationship to proceed at all, much less this long?

I was a fool.

I should never have returned from Denali after running away from her the first time. I should have done anything, everything, to stay away from her.

I would have spared Bella all this pain.

But somehow, selfish being that I am, I could not regret returning from Denali and falling in love with Bella. The joy that our true love brought me was astounding, and I would never have become my true self without her in my life.

Yet returning had drawn Bella to me, a moth to the flame—a flame that would consume her too-short life. In fact, it had nearly done so within the past hour.

I was an utter fool. 

_ Edward,__please!__Snap__out__of__it!_Alice insisted.

As my resolve to leave Bella, to make her safe, became stronger, I felt Alice stiffen as she knelt beside me, her hands still on my shoulders.

_Nooooo,__Edward!__You__can't!__Don't__do__this!_Alice moaned audibly as her thoughts reached me.

But my sister was too late.

I had already done it.

_It__was__done._

It was just a matter of working out the details in such a way as to minimize Bella's pain. That was the only thing that mattered now.

Pulling myself to my feet, I tried to ignore the searing pain in my chest, the very place in which Bella owned my heart...and she would always own it, for as long as I existed.

Even in leaving Bella, my love for her would never change.

But my life without her sweet presence will be a living hell...

From this point forward.

I was only vaguely aware of Alice silently leaving me, her beautiful face marred by sorrow as she slipped into the woods, deciding to seek the others. The last thoughts I detected were her wish to locate Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett quickly...and the terrible pain of losing her best friend.

In Alice's absence, I crumpled to the ground again, knowing that I would be breaking many hearts tonight besides my own with this decision...

Emmett loved Bella as a little sister, one whom he teased mercilessly but whom he would also defend and protect.

Esme loved Bella as her own daughter—the one who needed her more than the rest of us because of her fragile humanity. My mother would be heart-broken at the loss of yet another child.

Carlisle regarded Bella as his daughter as well; his love for and protectiveness of her was beautiful and fierce. Only to insure Bella's safety did he allow us to kill James despite his absolute hatred of violence. I thought that he alone would fully understand my decision, as much as he would despise the pain it caused Bella and our family.

Alice loved Bella as a sister as well as a best friend, and besides myself, she would take the separation from Bella the hardest. The knowledge that such a separation was coming would not help mitigate my sister's pain.

And I was losing my heart, my life, my soul, my reason for existing.

I would never be the same without Bella by my side.

I did not remember returning to the house. My body seemed to be on autopilot, unerringly seeking the one person who could heal me, drawn toward the house by the calming tone of Carlisle's voice as he told an old story...a very old story...to Bella.

_Bella._

I paused on the steps of the back porch, gathering my scattered thoughts, the shattered pieces of my heart, schooling my features into a benign mask that I prayed wouldn't reveal the dizzying tempest and searing agony within. Much planning had to be done, and much discussion with and persuasion of my family was ahead of me.

But I couldn't think about such things yet. I just needed Bella so badly that despite my laudable attempt to gain control, my hands trembled at my sides.

I took one more deep breath, then opened the back door silently. Closing it just as soundlessly behind me, I walked quietly across the kitchen floor, remaining in the shadows out of Bella's sight.

Carlisle had just finished stitching her wound, and I heard him quietly finishing the story her was telling her. My story.

"I looked at Edward. Sick as he was, he was still beautiful. There was something pure and good about his face. The kind of face I would have wanted my son to have," Carlisle continued.

I looked down at my feet. How little did I deserve my father's good opinion of me. I was the furthest thing from "beautiful," or ""pure and good" possible. I was the antithesis of this undeserved praise.

And the hardest part to take of this scene? Bella's enraptured expression, glowing as she nodded her agreement to Carlisle's praise. I felt my dead heart lurch at the loyalty and love burning brightly in her eyes, despite the fact I had just slammed her into a table full of crystal and had caused her significant physical injury.

Not to mention almost draining her body of every drop of its lifeblood.

Well, in a day or two, she would most likely be cursing my name once I caused her significant emotional injury as well.

As I sighed almost silently, I saw Carlisle's eyes shoot toward where I had hidden myself . Damn. He'd caught me spying on their scene.

His gaze was understanding, almost pleading, as he continued my story, Bella waiting anxiously for the rest of the story. And she waited, not in fear but with excitement and anticipation, eager for details I had not revealed to her to be finally unmasked.

For myself to be unmasked.

But for the next day or so—for as long as it took our family to pack up and move once again—I would have to remain masked.

I refused to burden Bella with my leaving a single second before it was necessary. _Please,_I prayed silently, hoping that God would listen just this once to a soulless being, _please__let__her__be__happy__during__our__last__days__together.__I__need__her__to__be__happy__and__well.__Please._

Ignoring my presence, Carlisle returned to my story, filling Bella in on the details of his removing me to the morgue, then from the hospital to his home via rooftops. And his uncertainty about how best to change me—his regret over causing me more pain than was necessary.

Then his voice rose slightly, as if he were trying to impress upon me something important, "I wasn't sorry, though. I've never been sorry that I saved Edward." His words were healing—or would have been if I wasn't plotting to do something monstrous to this beautiful girl. And to my family as well.

I didn't deserve Carlisle's kindness nor his praise...which he would find out all too soon.

Knowing that I would step forward, Carlisle offered to take Bella home.

As I read the thoughts in his mind just before he made his offer to Bella, I stepped through the kitchen and into the unlit dining room. "I'll do that," I said quietly, forcing my face into the mask I would wear until I left Forks behind me, never to return.

At the sound of my voice, Bella immediately turned toward me. Her perceptive eyes searched mine which I kept carefully blank, free of all emotion. After a moment, her eyes narrowed slightly; Bella had apparently detected that all was not well. She swallowed hard, trying to conceal her reaction.

Damn. Bella had always seen right through me, despite my many attempts to protect her.

"Carlisle can take me," she responded calmly but with some effort, as if it were difficult to keep up her own mask. She looked down, avoiding my eyes, noticing her besplattered shirt, ruined with pink frosting and her own dried blood. Her nose wrinkled in distaste as her face paled.

Bella had never reacted well to blood...even her own. I reigned in my own reaction, thankful that her blood had dried, thus lowering its potency and attraction to me.

"I'm fine," I insisted without feeling, then continued, concealing my worry over her now-colorless face. "You'll need to change anyway. You'd give Charlie a heart attack the way you look. I'll have Alice get you something."

Despite the strong smell of ammonia coming from the living room where Esme was cleaning the pool of Bella's blood I had caused, I set my jaw and stopped breathing again, deciding that fetching Alice myself was the best way to remove myself from the temptation caused by Bella's blood.

I heard Bella's soft voice, tinged with regret. "He's very upset," she said quietly, her anxiety evident in her voice as she spoke to Carlisle.

I ran to find Alice, deliberately blocking their conversation and my parents' thoughts from my mind. Fortunately, I met my sister at the river; she had apparently seen that she was wanted and had returned. Gracefully she leapt the river, landing soundlessly beside me.

"Bella needs a fresh shirt. Will you help her?" I asked without emotion.

"Certainly." Alice's reply was clipped as she glared at me. _I__can't__believe__you're__going__to__do__this.__You'll__break__her__heart__beyond__repair,__Edward.__I__can't__let__you__do__that__to__Bella...or__to__yourself.__You__can't__live__without__her__any__more__than__she__can__live__without__you._

I rolled my eyes at her dramatic statements. "Please help Bella," I insisted coldly.

"Fine. For Bella's sake, anyway," she growled, then ghosted back to the house. Very slowly, more slowly than a human pace, I walked back to the house.

I heard Bella begging Esme to allow her to clean up the dinner-plate sized bloodstain marring the white carpeting—as if Bella herself were at fault. I heard both of my parents' soft laughter as Bella joked about Carlisle's speed at stitching her.

_ How could she joke about this chaos I had caused? _

Alice was waiting for me at the backdoor, tapping her tiny shoe in impatience. "We will be discussing this when you come home tonight, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen," my sister declared, her eyes narrowed.

I gave her a curt nod in affirmation before we entered the kitchen together, Alice approaching Bella as I remained in the shadows, hiding in the half-light, my emotions masked again.

Alice tugged on Bella's hand, taking her upstairs to find a similar shirt for Bella to wear home...for Charlie's sake.

_ Charlie. _

_ He was going to hate me beyond belief when I hurt his little girl. Again. _

While Bella questioned Alice, something I was expecting her to do, Carlisle came to me, placing his hand on my shoulder.

_Son,__you__need__to__let__this__go.__Bella__is__fine,__and__you__can't__blame__yourself._

_"_Whom should I blame then, Carlisle? Who brought her here? Who insisted on taking her out of her safe world and putting her in mortal danger, over and over, in ours?"

Esme immediately had her arms around me. _No,__Edward.__It__was__an__accident,__that's__all.__Truly,__she'll__be__fine,__and__so__will__you._

Gently I backed out of my mother's embrace, pulling her arms from around my waist. I didn't deserve such compassion.

"Nothing's fine, Esme. And nothing will be fine ever again," I said in a very low voice, one that no one but my parents could hear.

I moved away from Carlisle and Esme, waiting for Bella at the front door. I felt their worried gazes, but I ignored them. For now. Later I would have to inform them of our need to move immediately. But I needed to spend this last night with Bella. This last night ever with her.

Alice and Bella stepped down the stairs, Bella stumbling slightly on the final step—an action that would have amused me before tonight but which now just seemed to illustrate why this lovely human girl did not belong in our world...for her own safety.

Alice thrust Bella's unopened gifts into Bella's hands, plus her camera while my parents quietly wished Bella a happy birthday and a good night, their eyes flashing to me as I opened the front door for Bella.

Bella strode quickly past the reminders of her party—the sparkling lanterns and dew-kissed roses—and I remained at her side, opening the passenger door of her truck. With a little difficulty, Bella clambered up into the high seat, but I didn't dare help her. I couldn't touch her—I didn't deserve such grace.

As I flashed around the back of the truck and opened the driver's door, I heard a crumpling sound. As I seated myself, I saw Bella kick something under her seat.

Ah. The huge red ribbon that Emmett had left on her new stereo. Swallowing hard, I turned the ignition and raced down our driveway, faster than I ever have in Bella's decrepit vehicle.

For once, she didn't complain.

I kept my eyes trained straight ahead as I drove, unable to make myself look at the expression on Bella's face. I had already ruined her birthday, then I had nearly killed her; I didn't want to see the well-deserved anger on her face. I couldn't stand it.

Bella finally broke the silence. "Say something," she nearly begged.

I folded my lips together. How could I say anything?

But I felt her expectant eyes fixed on my face as she waited for a response.

Turning onto the freeway, I responded, "What do you want me to say?" My voice was cold, remote. I remained safely hidden behind my mask, not daring to reveal my thoughts or the actions I was planning—not until the final moment when I would inform her of my decision. I had to somehow keep her calm, even happy, between now and then. I could only hope that she would cooperate.

But...this was Bella. She was not exactly the most cooperative person. I sighed silently.

Her retort to my question surprised me greatly. "Tell me you forgive me," Bella begged, her voice rough with unshed tears.

_What?__She__had__to__be__joking!__Or__insane!__How__could__she__possibly__need__forgiveness?__What__had__she__done__wrong?__Nothing!__Not__a__thing!_

My words were tinged with annoyance, perhaps even a little anger as I asked much less remotely, "Forgive _you_? For what?"

"If I'd been more careful, nothing would have happened."

She had to be crazy! She had done nothing wrong. I tried to speak reasonably to her as I stated coldly, "Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut—that hardly deserves the death penalty." Didn't she realize just how close she had come to death tonight?

Her voice was quiet, sad. "It's still my fault."

Those four words, spoken with so much regret, tore through my mask like nothing else could have. Words tumbled from me, almost blending together they poured out in a frustrated, angry rush: "Your fault? If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica there and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could happen would be what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage? If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own—without someone throwing you into them—even then, what's the worst? You'd get blood on the seats when they drive you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up—and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself."

Bella's voice was now angry, too. She demanded acidly, "How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?"

I hissed in response, "Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with."

"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton! I'd rather die that be with anyone but you!" Bella declared.

"Don't be melodramatic, please," I nearly begged, thrown for a loop by her casual reference to her death.

_Death._ The one thing that I _had_ to protect her from. The one thing that had so nearly happened to her, both in the past and this night as well.

Did she had any idea how easily her life could have ended tonight?

"Well then, don't you be ridiculous," she huffed in response, crossing her arms stiffly across her chest.

The remainder of the drive to her home was accomplished in silence. Bella's annoyance and fear washed over me; she seemed to be thinking hard—perhaps trying to figure out how to leave me?

As much as such a demand would break my heart, I recognized that her instigating our separation would be much healthier for her in the long run. If she asked me to leave, she would be in control—she would heal so much faster.

So I waited in silence as I drove to her home, waiting for her to speak the words that would end our relationship...that would end me. But she would be fine—perhaps a little sad for a while...nothing a few pints of Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia and a few Edward-bashing sessions with Jessica wouldn't cure. Just like any other teenage crush...

I would never be the same, but she would heal...and heal quickly.

It was the end to be most desired, for Bella's sake.

I parked her truck in front of her home, switching off the ignition and waiting patiently for Bella's anger, for the words that would separate us forever. My fingers flexed spasmodically around the thin steering wheel that I could shatter so easily...just as I had shattered Bella into the table of glassware tonight.

"Will you stay tonight?" Bella asked in a small, uncertain voice.

What? She wasn't angry? She wasn't preparing to end us? Or perhaps she meant to do so in the relative privacy of her room.

"I should go home," I hemmed.

Bella spoke more determinedly, "For my birthday."

Her birthday? The one I had ruined? She must be truly desperate to call upon the "it's my birthday" excuse to persuade me to remain with her tonight.

She seemed to truly want me to stay, little Miss Inconsistency.

"You can't have it both ways," I said, my voice a little lighter. "Either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or the other."

Bella answered quickly. "Okay. I've decided that I don't want you to ignore my birthday. I'll see you upstairs," she insisted as she slid from her seat, turning to pick up her small pile of gifts.

I frowned, wondering why she was taking the presents. "You don't have to take those," I said quietly, not wanting to upset her further, something either gift could accomplish tonight.

She pulled the boxes against her chest with her good arm, insisting with a glare, "I want them."

"No, you don't," I replied, trying to convince her that opening her presents tonight was truly a poor idea. I might as well spill some of the beans; perhaps this information would cause her to forget this bad idea. "Carlisle and Esme spent money on you."

"I'll live," Bella declared, slamming the door decisively. I flashed to her side, insisting on carrying them. Thanking me, her eyes remained uncertain, and I couldn't help leaning toward her, sighing.

"Happy birthday," I murmured into her ear, then gently pressed my lips to hers for a sweet moment.

Her warm lips encompassed me as she reached her good arm around my neck, rising up on her tiptoes to continue the kiss as I began to pull away. My face broke into the genuine, crooked smile I knew she loved...until I remembered the truth: I didn't deserve such grace as this: her warmth, her kisses, her forgiveness, her love.

None of those wonderful, beautiful gifts were fit for a monster such as myself, I thought as I slipped into the darkness and made my way into her bedroom where I seated myself on her tiny bed, listening to Bella's conversation with Charlie. Just as she was ready to go upstairs, her father recalled her with a question about her bandaged arm. Bella blew it off, as usual, but I cringed at her lie about tripping.

I should have known that Bella would protect me from her father's already mixed opinion of me. If she had replied, "Oh, Edward threw me into a table full of glassware when his brother tried to kill me, then Edward almost decided to suck me dry. It's nothing," Charlie would have been justly angered, probably forbidding our relationship.

If only he knew the truth...

After wishing her dad goodnight, Bella mounted the stairs slowly, entering the bathroom first to ready herself for bed in her adorable tank top and matching bottoms. I winced as I heard her sucking in quick breaths that betrayed the true extent of her injuries as she dressed herself.

_I__did__this__to__her._

As I waited for her,I moodily turned over the two silver-wrapped gifts in my hands as I sat, Indian style, on her bed. The guilt was strong...I couldn't seem to remove it even for the short time before Bella slept.

Bella skipped joyfully into her room, coming to am awkward stop when she noted my morose expression. I looked up, watching the happiness drain from her face as she took in my sadness, my guilt—the maelstrom of emotions I was drowning in this night.

"Hi," I greeted her quietly. Even I could hear the guilt heavy in my voice.

Pushing the gifts out of my grip, Bella clambered into my lap, nestling against my cold, empty chest. _A__heartless__beast__—__that's__what__I__am._

"Hi," she said, her voice still laced with excitement as she asked, "Can I open my presents now?"

As she picked up the larger gift, I carefully removed the package from her grasp, not desiring a repeat of what happened earlier tonight.

Bella reacted to my assistance with sarcasm, but then her face filled with excitement again at the flight voucher to Jacksonville for the both of us. My mood lightened with her unmitigated joy over the gift, even to the point that I teased her about possibly accepting a gift from me that cost money; I was pleasantly surprised by her reasonable reaction.

Then I unwrapped the second gift, the one from myself and Alice, handing her a clear CD case, an unmarked silver CD within. Plucking the CD from the case, I placed it in the player resting on her bed table and pressed play.

And then my music filled the room, starting with her lullaby.

Watching Bella's face closely, I noticed tears forming in her lovely brown eyes. I cradled her face in my hands, wiping the tears away gently with my thumbs. Hoping that the tears were in reaction to the gift, I was anxious about her being in pain instead.

"Does your arm hurt?" I pleaded, worry lacing my voice.

Bella shook her head emphatically, the tears continuing as she answered in a choked voice, "No, it's not my arm. It's beautiful, Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more." She shook her head again in amazement. "I can't believe it," she whispered.

Her enjoyment again lightened my mood temporarily, enough for me to tease her about her not allowing me to purchase a piano for her home, thus the CD was my next best option.

I noticed that despite her protestations, her arm was beginning to cause her greater pain, so I brought her Tylenol which she took without complaint, a sure sign that it was indeed hurting her more than she would admit.

As the lullaby I had composed and played for Bella continued, I put her to bed and lay next to her. She sighed with contentment as she leaned her head on my shoulder.

I bypassed most of her questions about what I was thinking about...and her nervousness grew. Bella was perceptive; she knew that all was not well with me, so she requested a birthday kiss.

"You're greedy tonight," I teased, sounding more upbeat than I felt and was very glad that the dimness of her room disguised the pain in my eyes from her imperfect sight.

"Yes, I am," Bella teased me back, then pulled away slightly as if upset. "But please, don't do anything you don't want to do."

I laughed humorlessly, then sighed. "Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do," I said, the fear of the upcoming loss threading through my words, causing my voice to sound somewhat strangled.

Leaning over, I began to kiss her as usual—carefully keeping to our rules. As Bella's heart began to pound in response, my kiss became more insistent. I threaded my hand into her hair, gripping the back of her head as I buried my lips into hers. Bella's hands ran through my hair, too, but for once I didn't pull away. She pressed herself against me, eager for more contact with my cold body, and I did nothing to stop her. Our kisses became more involved, more desperate, as we hungrily consumed one anothers' lips.

This would be the last kiss we shared—our last truly-in-love passionate kiss.

The last real kiss I would allow.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

For once, I was thankful for my perfect vampiric memory. That last kiss with Bella was two minutes out of my eternity that I never wanted to forget.

Bella moved restlessly against me as she slept, turning to face me. Her sweet breath fanned across my chest, and I inhaled it greedily.

As the last piano song on her CD died away, I steeled myself for hearing the last song. Then, in the silence of her familiar, beloved room, I would plan out the desertion of the girl I adored more than life itself.

**Okay, that's it. The second-to-the-last chapter. It was difficult to write, and I hope I did this portion of the book justice.**

**Please do review—I'd love to hear from you, especially from those of you who are following the story and haven't spoken up yet. **

**I'll try to complete the final chapter before the movie...no guarantees, but I'll try!**

**Please show the love! **

**Love to you all, **

**Cassandra****:)**


	55. Chapter 55: The End, Part I

**Well, when the rough draft of this last chapter, entitled "The End" after the same chapter in New Moon, reached fifteen pages, I knew I had to break it into two separate chapters. **

**But, so that I won't keep you all in suspense, I'll post them together, Part I and Part II of "The End" back-to-back. So you'll find Part II posted within minutes of Part I. I hope that works for you. :)**

**So I'll save all the "last chapter" stuff for Part II. :) Just enjoy, and please do remember to review Part I before going onto Part II. **

**Because of the italics issue here on (all italicized words running together without spaces between) which I've noticed on other stories besides mine, I've removed all italics from this posting. You may read the chapters at Wattpad if you'd like to see the italics intact. **

**Again I am indebted to AllTheOtherNamesAreUsed's story _Midnight__Sun__Bridge_ on for the information regarding e.e. cummings as Bella's favorite poet. Her story inspired the use of cummings poem below. **

**Chapter Fifty-Five: The End, Part I **

Once again I pulled Bella's body against mine, burying my face in her strawberry-scented locks as the final song on the CD I had recorded for for birthday gift began. I knew that this song, almost as much as her lullaby, expressed my love for this beautiful, headstrong, loyal, incredible human girl...my beloved, whom I would be leaving behind, broken-hearted, in a matter of days.

When I had learned that Bella's favorite poet was e.e. cummings, I was inspired to set one of his poems to music. The piano hadn't sounded right for such a personal tribute, so I had picked up my guitar. The melody came to me easily; the chord progression was simple, providing background to the powerful words penned by a poet whose work I had dismissed as vulgar and childish. Until Bella had changed my mind.

As she had changed me in so many, many ways.

As the first guitar chords flowed from Bella's inexpensive player, I desperately wished that I could have performed this song for her in person, perhaps in my bedroom. I envisioned the scene: myself sitting on my leather sofa with Bella nestled at my feet as my fingers gently plucked the strings, my voice, raspy with emotion, crooning the familiar words to her...to my beloved:

"somewhere I have never travelled,

gladly beyond any experience,

your eyes have their silence:

in your most frail gesture

are things that enclose me,

or which I cannot touch

because they are too near.

your slightest look

will easily enclose me

though i have closed myself as fingers,

you open always petal by petal

myself as Spring opens

(touching skillfully,mysteriously)

her first rose...

or if your wish to be close me,

i and my life will shut very beautifully,

suddenly, as when the heart of this flower

imagines the snow carefully

everywhere descending...

nothing which we are to perceive

in this world equals the power

of your intense fragility:

whose texture compels me with

the colour of its countries,

rendering death and forever

with each breathing...

(i do not know what it is about you

that closes and opens;

only something in me understands

the voice of your eyes

is deeper than all roses)

nobody,not even the rain,

has such small hands..."

As the closing chords died away and the player clicked itself off, I remained frozen with the depth of my emotions, Bella's body curled into mine, my face nestled into her hair. Her scent swirled around me, through me, as the words of the song, reverberated through my mind...

"your eyes have their silence

in your most frail gesture

are things that enclose me..."

So true—her eyes could speak volumes, or they could remain silent with wisdom far beyond her human years. Every gesture of her fragile body encloses me, surrounds me—my strength sheathed within her beautiful human frailty.

"nothing which we are to perceive

in this world equals the power

of your intense fragility..."

Oh yes—the power that Bella, in her intense human fragility, held over my immortal strength was manifold, ever present...eternal.

Eternal...

As eternal as my love for her.

"rendering death and forever

with each breathing..."

Death. Forever. Each breath she took—each breath I took—brought us closer to her death and mine, for I refused to live without her for a moment longer than was necessary. When Bella breathed her last, I would be bound for Italy and the Volturi...the monsters then _"__rendering__death__and__forever.__"_

"nobody,not even the rain,

has such small hands..."

With extreme care to avoid waking Bella, I took her tiny, fragile hands in mine, awestruck by the juxtaposition of my beloved human girl—tiny yet indomitable, fragile yet stronger, in some ways, than I am myself.

As I held her hands in mine, I noticed again the white, cold scar marring the perfection of her small hands.

My kind has already scarred her permanently. I could not allow any other scar—physical, mental, or emotional—to affect her beautiful body and soul.

I pressed a kiss into each of Bella's palms, glorying in her warmth, her frailty, her beauty, her goodness. Then I kissed the scar that remained colder than the rest of her skin.

As my kind had marked her, so Bella had marked me, transforming me from a beast into one who was capable of truly loving another. Her soul had changed me, completely and irrevocably.

But I could not be responsible for ruining such a pure soul. The choice I had made was the only way...the only way to save her soul.

I steeled myself to begin the process of separating my heart from hers when she awakened.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

By the time Bella awoke in the first light of dawn, I had my mask securely in place. She was unusually pale—obviously feeling quite unwell, and I had to restrain myself from scooping her into my arms and comforting her. Still drowsy, her soft brown eyes searched mine anxiously. Although I wanted nothing more than to comfort her, to kiss away her worry, I had to start the process of our separation now.

Pressing my cool lips to her forehead, I was out her window without a word, on my way to see my family. Ahead of me lay perhaps the most serious confrontation our family has yet seen. I knew it was going to be ugly.

I was breaking too many hearts to avoid a dreadful scene.

As I ran, I tried to plot out my strategy for our meeting. I was positive that Alice had already informed the rest of the family regarding my decision, so I had lost the element of surprise. They would have their minds already made up, entrenched in their beliefs of what was best for Bella, for me, for our family.

And I would have the nearly-impossible situation before me of changing the minds of each of my family members. Carlisle and Esme would be the easiest to persuade; Rosalie would be pissed at having to leave, but I had done so for her upon one occasion, and several times on Emmett's behalf as well. I had moved house for almost all of my family without reproach or complaint, never asking for anything in return.

Alice would actually be the most challenging battle, but Jasper would fall into line behind her once I had convinced her that this was indeed the only way to proceed.

They owed me this one request. This one gift...of leaving Bella to live out her human life without any further interference from us...and especially from me.

My family was gathered in the living room when I arrived home. I sucked in a deep breath, preparing myself for the long battle ahead.

"I don't have much time for this," I started coolly. "I have to meet Bella at school in an hour."

"So we're not leaving?" Rosalie asked, one eyebrow raised in disdain. "Excellent. I like living here—with this weather, we can be almost normal."

"Oh, we're leaving, all right," I stated calmly. "We need a couple of days to get our story straight and pack up, then I'll tell Bella, and we'll be gone."

"That's cold," murmured Alice, sounding heartbroken. Jasper pulled her into his lap, embracing her.

"It has to be cold," I said, hating myself for the plan I had hatched overnight. "I want Bella to think I'm a grade-A jerk, or she'll never move on and have the normal, human life she deserves."

Esme looked as if she would be crying, if such a thing were possible for our kind. "So you're going to destroy Bella's trust in you—her trust in us? Edward, think about it. You two _need_ to be together. She needs you. And you need her just as much, if not more," she said, her soft voice choked with emotion.

"It's the only way," I replied quietly.

"The hell it is!" Emmett roared. "I'm not deserting Bella—and I'm not going to let you leave her behind, either!"

Emmett's loyalty to Bella provided another stab of the knife in my heart. Was I going to destroy my family as well as my relationship with Bella? I shook my head silently, garnering my arguments.

"Emmett's right, you know," agreed Alice. "You can't force us to leave Bella behind. You're not the only one who cares about her, Edward." My sister's quiet words wounded me deeply. I knew she spoke the truth. But...

"It doesn't matter," I whispered. "The only thing that matters is that Bella deserves a normal life. A safe life. A life free of vampires trying to kill her."

Immediately I caught Jasper's guilt-ridden thoughts and quickly interceded. "I'm not only referring to last night, but to the James debacle as well. Plus, you weren't the only one who wanted to kill her last night, Jazz," I said gently, looking at his downcast face. "I very nearly lost control myself. Esme had to leave the room, as did Alice, Emmett, and Rose. It comes down to this simple fact: Bella is not safe with us—with any of us. No matter how human we may appear, we are what we are, and we have no business dragging Bella into danger because we love her."

"It's about time you saw sense, Edward," sneered Rosalie. "Unfortunately, it's about nine months too late."

"Rose!" scolded Esme.

"No, she's right," I admitted, my ashamed eyes fixed on my shoes. "I should never have returned from Denali. I should have stayed away from Bella. I was weak, and my weakness has endangered her life for the last time."

"Edward," Carlisle intervened at last. "Do you believe that leaving Bella behind is the only way to protect her?"

Lifting my head, I gazed squarely into Carlisle's earnest eyes. "Yes," I replied simply.

"But what about Bella?" asked Esme sadly. "You can't do this to her, Edward. You can't destroy the love you two share."

"I can and I will," I answered coldly, forcing myself to state the obvious. "It's the only way."

My voice softened, becoming more persuasive as I continued, "Bella is human. She'll grieve for a little while, but soon she'll forget the color of my eyes, then exactly what my face looked like, and slowly, I'll fade from her memory. It's what all humans do. I despise myself for being the cause of her pain, but if this action grants her all that a human life has to offer—college, career, marriage, children—then it will be worth her pain in the long run. I'll just become a faded memory," I said, firmly but sadly.

"Bullshit!" Alice was on her feet, hands fisted and eyes sparkling with rage. "I know Bella better than that! YOU know Bella better than that! She is faithful and loyal, and even if you succeed in breaking her faith in you, she won't stop loving you, and she certainly won't forget you! You can not do this to her, Edward! Or to us—we love her! But most of all," Alice's voice softened slightly, "you can't do this to yourself. You can't live without her, Edward. You know you can't."

An image flashed across her mind: I was curled into a fetal position in a tiny, filthy room. Soft murmurings in Portuguese rose from the many rooms below. But what struck me most was my appearance: My face whiter than death. My eyes black as midnight. My body shaking, weak, yet strangely inanimate.

This would be what I became without Bella.

But she would be safe. Safe without me.

If she would be safe, then so be it.

I accepted my fate if only she would live and thrive.

Alice's groan reverberated around the room as she sank back onto Jasper's lap. "You've already done it," she whispered sadly. "You've decided. You won't change your mind. There's nothing I can say."

"Nothing," I agreed firmly, undaunted by her vision.

Jasper's groan met Alice's, melding with it.

I turned to him. "Understand this, Jasper," I said firmly. "I do not blame you in the least for last night. We are what we are. What happened was entirely _my_ fault for bringing a human into the lair of vampires. Please, do not blame yourself. Promise me," I demanded softly.

He stared at me, disbelief his only expression.

"Promise me, Jasper," I demanded more forcibly.

Jasper felt my determination, then sighed. "Very well, Edward."

"Thank you," I replied, nodding in gratitude. I couldn't have Jasper feeling guilty over a situation I had brought upon us all.

Esme moved quietly to Carlisle's side, clinging to him. "When do you wish to leave?" she asked, resigned.

"Within a few days. I want some time to alter Bella's perception of me.." I sucked in a deep breath, forcing the words out, "I need to be a cold-hearted bastard so that—"

"Shouldn't be difficult," muttered Alice acidly. I turned to her, shocked. Her topaz eyes returned my glare.

Esme's jaw had dropped open at Alice's words while Carlisle gave her a reproving look.

"Alice," he began. "You don't have—"

Interrupting Carlisle smoothly, I continued, "Then once we're all packed, you will leave together, traveling to Denali for now. I'll say goodbye to Bella and join you."

"Do I get to tell her goodbye?" Alice questioned sadly, all bravado leaving her at the thought of not being allowed to say goodbye to her dearest friend. Jasper pulled her closer, whispering comforting words into her ear.

Pausing for a moment, I knew that Alice would handle leaving much better if she could tell Bella goodbye, but was allowing Alice to do so really the best thing for Bella? What would Alice say? I'm not sure I trusted her since she was the one most opposed to my plan, especially since her little outburst. Plus, wouldn't a clean break be healthier for Bella, easier for her to handle?

"I don't think so," I answered softly. "I think the goodbyes should come from me only."

I heard Esme's soft gasp and despised myself anew for the pain I was subjecting my family to. Of course, this pain would be nothing compared to the agony I would be subjecting Bella to...and myself as well.

Carlisle spoke again, with authoritative calm. "Very well, Edward. I will admit to having some major misgivings about this plan, but Bella is your mate, and you must do what you believe best for her."

I winced as he said the word "mate." Vampires mated for life—for the entirety of our existence. The use of "mate" to describe Bella wounded me even further as I knew that I would never experience love again...

...Not for all eternity.

But Bella would be safe. That was the important point. Even if I couldn't be with her, the simple fact of her safety, of her future happiness, would be enough to sustain me.

It would have to be enough.

It was all I was going to have.

Glancing at the clock, I realized I didn't have much time until I had to meet Bella at school. "Thank you, Carlisle. Thank you, everyone. I'm so sorry that this will be so hard for you all. Just remember that it will be that much more difficult for me."

"I know," breathed Esme. "We're sorry, too, Edward. We never wanted something like this to happen."

"It was only a matter of time," Rosalie said, but her voice was empty of its usual invective when Bella was involved.

"Yes, Rosalie, it was," I agreed grimly. "I need to change and get to school." I was mildly surprised by the detached quality of my voice.

As Alice brightened and prepared to follow me upstairs to dress for school, I shook my head at her. "You need to pack, Alice. I'll make your excuses to Bella."

Alice glared, hissing her words at me, "Just so you know, Edward Cullen, you're making the most terrible mistake of your entire existence."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

After changing my clothing and driving to school, I arrived slightly before Bella. My mask was securely in place as her truck chugged into view.

As I opened the truck door for her, she studied my expression, her own face pale with discomfort that she refused to admit to. Despite the fact that her arm was still hurting, Bella seemed far more anxious about me than she was for her own well-being. That was Bella. Throughout the morning I remained a silent presence at her side, unwilling to speak lest the fragile mask I had erected shattered with the force of my suppressed emotion.

Obviously trying to avoid questions, Bella had hidden her bandaged injury beneath a loose, long-sleeved peasant blouse. Occasionally when she bumped her arm against someone or something, her face paled significantly, her teeth digging into her bottom lip. Her pain became my pain as I grimaced each time she did.

Our silence broke at lunch when Bella realized that Alice was not in school. As we approached our usual table for lunch, Bella stopped suddenly, glancing around the cafeteria in panic, noting that several of Alice's classmates from French class were already present. Gently I nudged her to our table, and she moved ahead of me as if sleepwalking. As we slid into our seats, I pulled a granola bar from our food tray in order to keep up the usual human charade.

Bella turned to me, her face pale again, her lips turning gray as she asked in a cracked voice, "Where's Alice?"

Digging deep, I managed to maintain the mask, taking out my frustrations by crumbling the granola bar to nothingness. "She's with Jasper," I replied quietly.

"Is he okay?" she asked, her voice rising an octave in worry.

"He's gone away for a while."

"What? Where?" Bella's brown eyes were huge with panic.

Could she grow any paler? I tried to crush my anxiety for her as I pulverized the food in my hands. Somehow I managed a noncommittal shrug as I replied, "Nowhere in particular."

"And Alice, too," she asked, her brows rushing together in consternation.

"Yes," I confirmed quietly. "She'll be gone for a while. She was trying to convince him to move to Denali."

Bella swallowed hard, apparently trying to calm herself. She bit her lip again, and I couldn't stop my worry over her paleness and lack of appetite. She hadn't touched her food.

"Is your arm bothering you?" I asked, concern tinging my voice.

Bella rolled her eyes in frustration. "Who cares about my stupid arm?" she groaned, putting her head down on the table and hiding her face in her folded arms.

My hand seemed to move of its own volition to caress the back of her head, to brush her hair away from her face, to bestir the mouthwatering scent of strawberries that will be part of my world for only the next forty-eight hours or so.

But I pulled my hand back just before touching her lowered head.

Touching her was a bad idea. The smallest chink in my mask would bring all my emotions crashing down, and, for Bella's sake, I steeled myself to remain strong.

She had to be safe. And safety for Bella was being as far from me and my family as possible.

After school I was surprised when Bella asked me to come over after she worked at Newton's; I had forgotten that Alice had called Karen Newton to switch shifts with Bella so that Bella would be free on her birthday. Obviously keeping up my mask for Bella's sake was requiring all of my concentration.

"If you want me to," I stated flatly, trying to discourage her from inviting me.

Bella's words were intense as she looked up at me, hope and determination in her eyes. "I always want you," she declared firmly.

I swallowed, concentrating with all my strength to remain unemotional behind my mask. "All right, then," I answered, my voice uncaring while pain stabbed my silent heart.

I had to be a bastard to Bella—it was the only way.

She drove away without complaint, but I noticed her wild eyes, her confused expression. Her increased breathing and heart rate attested to her state of mind as she left for her shift.

Bella was panicking.

Slowly I moved to my car, trying not to panic myself. Keeping up this mask of indifference was much more difficult than I had thought it would be. More than that, though, I was deeply concerned about Bella. Should she be driving while in such an emotional state? It didn't seem safe to me.

So I slipped my car into the street four cars behind Bella's truck, intending to follow her to Newton's to be sure she made it to work safely.

It was one of the few things I could still do to take care of my Bella.

While I still could.

My focus zeroed in on the heartbeat of the petite girl in the huge truck ahead of me. I knew that rhythm so well that even blindfolded, I could locate her in a crowd.

I began to relax slightly as I followed Bella; her breathing and heart rate were slowly normalizing. I drove past Newton's, surreptitiously watching Bella clamber out of the monstrous vehicle. She had finally worked herself into a state of semi-composure, and I felt she would be safe now that she had arrived at Newton's in one piece.

_Newton's._

The family name emblazoned across the front of the sporting goods store wounded me deeply. As soon as I was gone, Mike Newton would attempt to win over Bella's affections. In no way could he possibly deserve her, but I would have no choice in the matter, would I?

In leaving Bella behind, I was giving up every right to her future. For all I knew, she could end up marrying Mike Newton, or Jacob Black, or someone like them. While I wanted that normal, human life for her, I couldn't quell the jealousy that struck my heart at the thought of Bella with someone else. _Happy_ with someone else.

As I drove home, I found myself pinching the bridge of my nose. God, I was such a hypocrite. I wanted her to have a happy human life, but here I was becoming madly envious of the man who would win her affections in the future.

_You__can't__have__it__both__ways,__idiot,_ I scolded myself.

I arrived home to help with the packing and was unsurprised that Alice refused to speak to me, sniffing disdainfully every time I came near her. Rosalie treated me the same way. But the girls' anger was much easier to handle than the sympathetic thoughts of my parents and Emmett. Thankfully, Jasper studiously kept his mind blank, apparently not wishing for me to know his thoughts. I promised myself that I would have a long talk with him tonight when I got home from Bella's; I had no intention of remaining in her room tonight as I gradually pulled away from her presence...for Bella's sake.

I arrived at the Swans' house shortly before Bella, greeting Charlie and sliding into the armchair, thus preventing Bella from seating herself beside me on the narrow sofa.

Distance. She needed distance from me, and I needed distance as well so that I could somehow, some way wean my heart from hers.

**So, this is the end of Part I of "The End," the final chapter of _Evening__Star._**

**This last chapter has been soul-searing to write. I only hope I have done these final days of Edward and Bella's early relationship justice. **

**Please do take the time to review before reading "The End, Part II" which should be posted in mere minutes, if it isn't up already.**

**Thank you for reading and for reviewing! **

**-Cassandra :)**


	56. Chapter 55: The End, Part II

**Here we are. "The End, Part II." I started writing _Evening__Star_ on November 27, 2010, so I'm five days shy of the one year anniversary of beginning this journey. Writing _Evening__Star_ has altered my life in many ways, mostly in just showing me that I CAN WRITE FICTION—something I've told myself for years that I was incapable of doing—and that fiction writing is FUN! Entering Edward's mind through this story has been a blessed method of stress-release during a very difficult year, and you readers have kept me going! **

**This final chapter is dedicated to ALL MY READERS, to those who started the journey with me nearly a year ago, to those who are just now catching on, to those who have faithfully commented on almost every chapter, and to those who have been quietly reading all along. I would not have completed this story (this book really, as it's well over 135,000 words) without your encouragement and support! You are the reason I kept writing when I was too tired, in too much pain, was too sick. You inspire me! **

**Again, I've had to remove all italics to keep the words from running together, an issue I am seeing on other fics as well as mine. If you want to see the chapter with italics, check it out on Wattpad. **

**And, above all, I dedicate this final chapter to NataliaMazur: my steadiest fan, my head cheerleader, and my sounding board. You rock, chica! (Read her stories—they're amazing!) Love you, my friend! :) :) :) **

**Chapter Fifty-Six: The End, Part II**

Bella arrived home after work, calling my name and Charlie's, her voice tight with anxiety. But I remained remote all evening, trying to ignore Bella's panic attack in the kitchen after she noted my emotional distance. Grateful that Jasper wasn't present to tell me what Bella was feeling, I forced myself to remain stoic, steeling myself to disregard Bella's rapid heart rate and near-hyperventilation, then her strange photo safari, snapping pictures of the house, Charlie, and myself.

What was she thinking? That I would take her with me?

Hell, Bella was still hoping.

And I despised myself for what I was going to do to her.

But it was for the best—her best. My absence would mean that she would live a long and happy life, and as much as my dead heart felt pummeled by the mere thought of leaving her, I wanted that long, happy life for her beyond all else.

But I couldn't handle Bella's panic on top of my own searing agony. Charlie, however, remained completely and blissfully clueless.

But that won't last long...not long after I leave, anyway.

Rising to my feet, I spoke quietly, "I'd better get home." Bella scrambled awkwardly from the floor, her limbs stiff from sitting so long beside the armchair after Charlie had snapped a decidedly awkward photo of us.

As I walked to my Volvo, Bella on my heels, I realized that I would have to remove the film from her camera. I didn't want to leave behind any physical reminders to torture herself over. I needed to fade to merely a bad dream in her weak human memories...and physical remembrances would only slow the process.

As I opened the Volvo's door, Bella caught up with me. "Will you stay?" she asked hopelessly. She seemed to expect my response; at least, she didn't ask for a reason when I replied shortly, "Not tonight."

Without a kiss goodnight or even a touch, I drove away, cringing as I watched her forlorn figure, drenched in the falling rain, grow smaller and smaller in my rear view mirror as she pensively watched my car disappear around the corner.

Part of me worried that she would get a chill from standing in the rain like that—her white face blank with panic against her dark, soaked hair. And part of me resolved not to feel anything.

If I let myself feel any of the emotions bubbling just below the surface, I wouldn't be able to leave.

And I had to leave. For Bella's sake.

And thus I drove home, my mind strangely empty as I prepared to help my family pack all night.

The next day was filled with the same awkward silences, except that Bella asked her friends to take photos with her new camera during lunch. I was grateful that they used up her roll of film; perhaps she would develop it before I left so that I could remove the two or three photos of me without having to destroy every image by yanking the film out the back of the camera as I had planned.

Bella was severely distracted all day. When Mr. Berty asked her a question comparing Shakespeare's Juliet to Sonya in _Crime__and__Punishment_, I had to whisper the answer to her when she didn't respond after he called her name twice.

Bella was working again after school, so I went home to finish the packing and shutting down the house. The family was ready to leave in the morning, and I remained all night with them, completing the last of the arrangements. I would leave after I informed Bella...which I planned to do after school as she wasn't working in the afternoon. Charlie wouldn't be home from work yet, so we could have some privacy.

But I didn't want to sully her home with memories of my desertion. Perhaps I could talk to her outside—but not right outside in a place she would pass often. Maybe just a little way down the path by her house.

That would work.

At dawn, the packing done and with the moving vans disappearing down the long driveway on their way to a storage facility until everyone decided where they were moving permanently, I wished our family goodbye. The plan was that I would be leaving after school and catching up with them in Seattle before we all drove north to Denali for a short visit.

But I knew that I would not be joining them.

And Alice had not told them yet of my decision, perhaps hoping that I would change my mind and head to Tonya's after all. No, not happening. Tonya was the last person I wanted to see.

Again, the sympathy of Esme as she kissed me goodbye, of Carlisle as he laid a comforting hand on my shoulder, and the shoulder-punches from Emmett were far more difficult to handle than Rosalie's disdain and Alice's disappointed anger.

Alice's glare was the worst. We have always been closer to each other than the rest of the siblings, but she heartily disapproved of my leaving Bella and forcing her to desert her best friend.

As I watched their vehicles disappear down the long drive, Alice's thoughts drifted back to me. "You are going to regret doing this, Edward Cullen, more than you will ever regret anything else in your entire existence. Ever."

Alice's departing words immobilized me, and I felt my resolve begin to soften. Perhaps there was another way?

_No!_ I had to remain strong. For Bella's sake. All of this was for her benefit...so that she would survive and thrive and live a long, happy human life.

That was my mantra: A long, happy, human life_._

That's what I had to remember. That's what I had to cling to.

All this suffering—my family's, hers, mine—would be worth it if it brought Bella a long, happy, human life in the end.

Resolved, I squared my shoulders before climbing into my car and driving to school.

The day passed as the previous two days had, with little to no interaction between Bella and myself. Ignoring the catty girls who noticed the distance between myself and Bella, I strode almost blindly through my final day at Forks High School, dreading the end of the day...when I would at last confront Bella and show her what a truly cold-hearted bastard I am.

I walked Bella to her truck, noting a change in her: she wore a determined expression as if she were ready to confront me.

Good timing.

"Do you mind if I come over today?" I asked quietly.

"Of course not." Bella sounded annoyed.

"Now?" I pressed.

"Sure," she said, biting her lip. "I was just going to drop a letter to Renee in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there."

I glanced at the envelope and noticed its thickness. Ah, Bella must be mailing Renee some of the photos from her new camera. Reaching past her, I grabbed the letter from the seat of her truck, noting its heft. Yes, it definitely contained photos. And I had to get rid of all evidence of myself in Bella's life. "I'll do it," I said, quietly insistent. Then I looked up, trying to work some enthusiasm into my voice as I continued, "And I'll still beat you there."

In order to convince her, I forced her favorite smile across my lips...for the last time.

"Okay," she said uncertainly, not returning my smile.

She must have an inkling of what was going on...

I beat her to her home...despite opening Renee's letter, sliding out the three photos of myself and slipping them into my jacket pocket, then resealing the envelope and mailing it on my way to the Swan residence. Arriving several minutes before Bella's wailing truck, I was through her window in a split-second, quickly collecting all evidence of my existence from her room: the three photos featuring my image from her new photo album, the CD from her player, and the plane tickets from my parents.

For the first time, I was thankful that Bella refused to allow me to shower her with gifts. I had nothing else to collect here that I had given her. I would leave her the clothing Alice had forced upon her at various times over the last few months. And at least the new stereo system in her truck was a gift from my siblings, not from myself...and I couldn't remove it without raising Bella's suspicions anyway.

Knowing her temper, I wondered if she'd remove it herself. I wouldn't put it past her.

As I wondered what to do with these items, the floor squeaked below my feet. Bending down, I pried the loose floorboard up gently, then slipped the few items that proved my existence into the small hiding space.

At least if I couldn't be here, these small tokens of my love remained in her room with her. Perhaps they would give her a little solace somehow. Knowing they were here was a comforting thought to me, anyway...selfish thing that I am.

My phone vibrated in my back pocket. Lifting it out, I read Alice's terse text: _Leave__a__note__in__the__kitchen__from__Bella__for__Charlie__saying__that__she's__going__for__a__walk__with__you__down__the__path._

As I heard Bella's behemoth turn onto her street, I ghosted downstairs and scrawled a note in a credible imitation of Bella's messy penmanship, leaving it for Charlie on the kitchen table, weighed down by a saltshaker. I didn't understand why I needed to leave a note, but I wasn't going to question Alice now.

I let myself out the front door and slipped into my car as if I had been waiting for Bella, only stepping out of the Volvo when she scrambled out of the truck. Taking a deep breath to center my calm as I met her, I took her backpack out of her hands, shoving it back onto the seat of her truck.

"Come for a walk with me," I said quietly, reaching for her hand.

Panic filling her eyes, Bella followed me silently, her hand feeling unusually cold in mine. I led her along the side of the yard and onto the path leading into the forest. Knowing Bella's poor sense of direction, I didn't dare walk far; I turned, leaning against a tree, still within easy sight of her house.

"Okay, let's talk," Bella started bravely.

I sucked in a deep breath, then stated boldly, "Bella, we're leaving."

But her expression was calculating rather than panic-stricken. For the thousandth time, I wondered what she was thinking.

"Why now"" she asked, her voice trembling slightly. "Another year-"

I cut her off, my voice detached, cold. "Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."

Bella seemed confused as I watched her dispassionately.

Then I saw the truth hit her; she suddenly paled, and her arm snaked around her stomach, as if she felt ill.

"When you say _we__—_" she whispered, unable to finish the sentence.

"I mean my family and myself," I stated slowly and clearly, hating myself with every word.

Bella looked bemused as she shook her head in disbelief. I waited, not wishing to hurry her. I cherished each moment in her presence, each moment I could hear her heart beat, breathe in her amazing fragrance, see her beautiful face.

Then resolve filled her eyes. Resolve and hope. "Okay," she said softly. "I'll come with you."

Her hope was the final knife stab to my heart. The pain was so tangible, so real, that I glanced down at my chest to make sure it was still intact. Unfortunately, it was.

I hated to destroy the desperate hope I saw in Bella's beautiful face—but I had to.

It was the only way.

"You can't, Bella. Where we're going..." I paused, watching that last bit of hope begin to fade from her huge brown eyes, then I steeled my resolve. This was all for her. She would probably thank me when she walked down the aisle on her wedding day...or when she gave birth to her firstborn child. At least I would have the satisfaction of knowing that I had helped her to reach those joyous highlights of every human life. "It's not the right place for you," I concluded calmly while my emotions roiled violently beneath my serene exterior.

"Where you are is the right place for me," she insisted weakly.

"I'm not good for you, Bella," I insisted coldly in return.

"Don't be ridiculous," she scoffed. Then her eyes softened beautifully as she continued quietly but firmly, "You're the very best part of my life."

Aaah, Bella! How I wish that were so! I felt my resolve begin to weaken, but I shored it up quickly, before she could notice as I repeated my mantra again and again: A long, happy human life. Bella deserves a long, happy, human life.

"My world is not for you," I replied sadly, wishing with all my being that I was not speaking the truth.

Bella's brows rushed together, her face flushed, and desperate anger colored her words. "What happened with Jasper—that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" she begged.

"You're right," I agreed grimly. "It was exactly what was to be expected."

Her voice rose in desperation, "You promised!" she accused me. "In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay—"

I interrupted her, unable to listen to her all-too-accurate accusations. "As long as that was best for you," I insisted softly.

"_No!_" Bella's voice rose in her utter frustration and desperation; she was nearly shouting. "This is about my soul, isn't it?"

I remained noncommittal, forcing my expression to stay unemotional while my icy heart cracked apart with each word she spoke.

She continued, arguing as if for her very existence. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward, I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you—it's yours already!"

As I took a deep breath, my heart continued to splinter and break apart, one frozen atom at a time, the pain utterly excruciating. Focusing my eyes on the ground, I wracked my brain for a way to get through to her.

And there was only one way to do so.

One despicable, horrible way to convince her.

I was going to have to lie to her as I have never done before.

"Bella," I said coldly, deliberately, without a trace of emotion, "I don't want you to come with me."

Bella looked as if I had slapped her. I watched the truth trickle through her mind as she absorbed my words.

"You...don't...want...me?" she said very slowly, letting this new reality sink in.

God, I hated myself for doing this to her. But she believed me! She actually fucking believed me! How—with only ONE sentence—how in the hell had I convinced this beautiful, loving, compassionate, _perfect_ girl that I didn't want her...that I didn't love her?

The anguish this realization brought me was utterly excruciating.

The agony paralleled the burning of my transformation from human to vampire. In fact, in a strange way, it surpassed it. I was rapidly learning that emotional pain could be far more intense than mere physical pain.

It took ALL of my immortal strength to remain upright and unemotional in front of Bella...to not allow myself to crumple to the ground at her feet, sobbing in abject apology.

But the charade must go on...for Bella's sake. For her safety and security. My mantra played through my mind again, strengthening my resolve again: Bella deserves a long, happy, human life.

I had a part to play: the part of an ice-cold bastard.

"No," I affirmed shortly, the only word I could manage to utter through my anguish.

She looked deeply into my eyes, and I hardened my mind against her. This is all for her, I scolded myself. It's even better if she hates me. She'll get over our relationship far more quickly if she hates me than if she continues to love me.

But I despised myself for hurting her like this. Truly hated myself. I was a monster, and my words today to this sweet, loving girl only proved it all the more clearly.

I looked up at her at last, steeling myself to view her pain. Yes, the agony was clear in her eyes, but also present was a strange composure.

Almost as if my not loving her was a logical conclusion, one she was expecting to hear.

Agony rippled through my dead heart once again, but I swiftly hid my reaction, my unemotional mask firmly remaining in place.

"Well, that changes things," Bella stated with eerie calm. Her reasonable tone unnerved me. I asked myself for the thousandth time: What the hell is she thinking?

Shifting my gaze past her into the forest, I pushed the question from my mind so I could continue my nefarious lies. "Of course, I'll always love you...in a way." My voice trailed off as I swallowed hard; this lie in particular was difficult to state. I would love this frail human girl in every way, for the remainder of my miserable existence.

In fact, if it wasn't for the fact that my sacrifice would enable Bella's life to continue in safety and security, I would be tempted to end it all. I knew that the pain of separation from Bella would be too intense for me to bear—Alice's vision of me in a practically comatose state was evidence. I wasn't sure how—or even _IF_—I was going to survive without her.

She was the reason behind every thought in my mind, every action of my body, every word I spoke.

Bella was...is...will always be...everything to me.

But I forced myself to continue the ream of lies I had started, my serene voice belying the agony just below the surface. "But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm..." I paused to search for the word that would convince her the most of my supposed indifference. "..._tired_ of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." My eyes returned to her, noting with alarm that her entire body was trembling, as if she were not strong enough to hear what I was telling her.

What happened if she fainted? Her pallor was alarming. Bella's pain-filled eyes were too dark in her white face, and she swayed slightly. I took one step closer to her, afraid that she might collapse.

Bella stared at me, the forlorn look on her face showing me all too clearly how convinced she was by my weak lies. But I had to continue...I had to sever any and every tie between us. Or she would never heal properly. And my entire existence hung on her moving forward into the life she was meant to have: the life she deserved to have if I didn't exist.

And I shouldn't exist; I knew that fact all too well.

Relentlessly I continued, "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."

Bella closed her eyes, whispering faintly, "Don't." She took a deep breath, her eyes still closed, then she looked at me again, begging quietly, "Don't do this."

Oh, how I wish that I didn't have to do this, Bella—do this to you, to me, to my family.

But it was too late. This was the only way now. I allowed the firmness of my decision show in my expression as I watched her carefully. As Bella absorbed the supposed truth of my lies, the excruciating pain wracked my heart once more. But I did not allowed a single chink to show in my armor.

This is for her.

This is for her.

This is for her.

I steeled myself for the final words that I knew would strike at her own heart—the last blow. I hated to do it, but it had to be done. I had to force Bella to remember me as a cold, unfeeling, monstrous bastard.

"You're not good for me, Bella," I stated calmly.

Bella opened her mouth to argue, then closed it again.

I waited for this lie to be absorbed with the rest of the untruths I had fed her this afternoon. Resignation dulled the beautiful shine of her eyes as she stared at me.

Then she choked out the words in barely a whisper, "If...that's what you want."

The pain filling Bella's eyes as she swayed in front of me—so fragile yet so indomitable—robbed me of speech.

I could only nod once. There was no way I could form words now.

From the bottom of my shattered heart, I despised myself for doing this to her, but it was the only way.

She had to think that I didn't love her any more. That I didn't want her.

Only then would she move on to the life she was meant to live—a safe, secure life. A life devoid of monsters thirsting for her blood.

But I had to be sure of one thing or I couldn't survive.

I took another step toward her as I quietly asked, "I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much."

Bella swayed again, pain dulling her eyes, her beautiful features absolutely colorless. She looked as if she would collapse at any moment. Before I could control it, concern filled me.

Could Bella survive this separation any better than I could?

But I couldn't ask that question. I didn't deserve to ask it. She had to assure me of this one point, though. I had to know that she would be all right—that she wouldn't do anything to harm herself. I forced my face into its impassive mask as I prepared to ask her these most important questions.

"Anything," she promised, hope beginning to shine in her eyes.

I couldn't let her hope, though. It was cruel.

I was cruel.

But I had to be sure she would be safe. I felt the force of my love for this beautiful girl behind my words as I made my demands.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid," I insisted. Bella looked at me, bemused. She had to understand me now. If she hurt herself, I would never be able to survive.

This was the flaw in my plan: if I was separated from her, I could no longer protect her from outside forces.

Or from herself.

Woodenly, she nodded.

Relief helped me to slip back behind my mask. I couldn't let her think that I cared. And I hated myself for doing it. "I'm thinking of Charlie of course," I lied. "He needs you. Take care of yourself—for him." And for me. Please, Bella, for me.

She nodded. "I will," she croaked.

Her assurances made me feel slightly more assured of her well-being.

"And I'll make you a promise in return," I stated earnestly. "I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed," I promised her...as my heart continued to shatter.

But I meant every word. I only prayed that I could remain strong enough to stay away. I had to. For Bella.

As her entire body began to tremble, Bella seemed very near collapse. Her eyes began to glaze over.

Her physical weakness reminded me of the beauty of her humanity, and I smiled wryly at her. "Don't worry. You're human—your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind," I assured her.

"And your memories?" she choked out.

"Well," I thought quickly of the best way to answer her query without giving away the truth. "I won't forget." That was for certain. The beauty of my Bella would be ingrained in my memory forever, a fact for which I was intensely grateful. "But _my_kind...we're very easily distracted." I smiled at her convincingly, but I felt the strain visible on my face.

I took one step away from her—and I nearly gasped; the pain of separation was so intense. I haven't even left her yet, and already the agony was nearly unbearable.

I had to end this..._now_.

Or I would scoop her into my arms and never let her go again.

I forced myself to speak, keeping my expression deceptively serene. "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."

Bella's chin lifted at the plural. I had wondered if she would ask about the rest of my family. Now the situation dawned upon her, despite her confusion.

"Alice isn't coming back," she whispered so faintly that human ears would not have detected her words.

I shook my head slowly, keeping my eyes on her warily. Bella remained far too pale and unsteady. I was concerned about leaving her here, even within sight of her house.

"No," I answered quietly. "They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Alice is gone?" Bella's voice echoed strangely with her disbelief. Anguish struck me again: Not only was I removing myself from Bella's life, but I was robbing her of her best friend as well.

She would be alone.

I closed my eyes for a moment, feeling the guilt and pain build to a new height. I kept thinking that the agony of leaving Bella couldn't get worse.

Then it did.

Again and again.

Swallowing hard, I continued, "She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." I couldn't allow Alice to be blamed for my own decisions, despite the fact that Alice may never speak to me again.

Bella's eyes glazed over as she swayed on her feet once again. Her pallor became even more pronounced, and the pupils of her eyes grew unaccountable large as she attempted to breathe normally.

I had to end this soon...before she completely collapsed.

"Goodbye, Bella," I stated, forcing my voice to remain calm, almost peaceful.

Panic crossed her face. "Wait!" she called, her voice hoarse and cracking.

Bella began to fall, her knees folding under her. Before she sank more than an inch, I had stepped forward, grasping her wrists to support her; she leaned heavily against my arms.

Her scent...so sweet.

Strawberries.

This would be the last time I would inhale her fragrance.

And that thought nearly caused me to collapse along with Bella. But my strong body refused to betray me, despite the agony searing through every atom of my being.

Bending down, I kissed her forehead lightly, not allowing this new agony to break through my mask and ruin all that I had managed to convince her of this afternoon.

As Bella's eyes closed, she sighed softly, apparently finding comfort in my touch.

I hated to deprive her of this small solace, but lingering here would be wrong...for both of us: it would give her hope, and my fragile mask would shatter.

I had to leave..._now_.

"Take care of yourself," I whispered against her clammy forehead.

Then I ran, the agony excruciating as I ghosted into the forest, despising myself more with every step.

Quickly I looped around through the forest to the front of her house and slid into the Volvo.

But Bella's scent still permeated my car. I gratefully breathed in her sweet fragrance, again and again. Gripping the steering wheel in my hands, I didn't realize I was crushing the high-quality construction until I heard the first cracks reverberating through the enclosed car.

Only the familiar sound of Charlie's patrol car a few blocks away finally forced me to turn the key, accelerate, and leave the Swan home behind. My vampire senses allowed me to drive as if on autopilot—I was strangely numb, not a thought registering in my conscious mind.

At last I blinked, surprised to find myself parked in our garage at home, the Volvo now the only car in the garage beside my Aston Martin as the family had driven the remainder of the cars to Denali this morning.

After taking one more deep inhalation of Bella's faint fragrance from the Volvo, I slammed the car door shut, holding my breath in order to allow Bella's scent to fully permeate my mind. Locking the garage behind me, I walked slowly up the driveway to the house, slumping weakly onto the porch steps.

I held the last breath of Bella's fragrance for over an hour, savoring her precious scent until the sun sank beyond the horizon and the forest darkened around me.

Then slowly I exhaled the breath I had held so long, letting Bella's beloved scent dissipate into the evening twilight.

Bereft, I looked up into the unusually clear sky above the house and between the sharp-topped pines. One star twinkled at me: the Evening Star. Immediately my memory took me back to that twilight more than three months ago when I had nestled Bella in my embrace under the madrone trees at the Prom.

The memory of her ecstatic beauty on that night warmed me for a moment: her hair curled beautifully, her face glowing softly in the starlight, the sexy dress (despite her awkward cast) brushing softly against her lovely form, her eyes alight with joy, life, love.

My memory of Bella on that twilit evening was so different from the broken-hearted girl I had left behind me on the forest path this afternoon.

But she would heal. That's what humans do. They move on.

But I would not. I could not.

I would have to live without her_.._.for an eternity.

A miserable eternity without her.

As an overwhelming sense of panic set in, I was on my feet in an instant, streaking blindly through the forest. Tight with an emptiness that was painful beyond all agony, my chest heaved with tearless sobs as I vainly hoped that running, usually a comfort, would at least take the edge off this excruciating torture.

Unaware of all conscious thought, I raced south, automatically dodging trees, rocks, obstacles. But even running away couldn't help me now. The agony was still there, throbbing in my chest which seemed so void, so empty, without Bella's love.

Yet running was the only thing I could do.

So I ran.

Away...

Away from Denali and my family.

Away from Forks and my memories.

Away from Bella and the truest of true loves.

Away...

Never to return.

**So that's it. 360 days of writing _Evening__Star_ and it's complete at last. **

**Please do review, especially if you have been quietly reading the whole book without reviewing yet. I'd love to hear from you. **

**I can't thank all of you enough for coming on this journey with me. It's been an amazing year of learning so much about writing fiction, making many friends (you know who you are!), and writing nearly 140,000 words. Thank you, dear readers! **

**Some have asked for a sequel, written between _New__Moon_ and _Eclipse._I'm still considering it, but for right now, I want to focus on writing _Pinned__but__Fluttering._**

**Thank you again—for everything. You all are the reason I write. **

**Blessings,**

**-Cassandra :)**


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